Mommy Guilt-kinda long and ranty

[dfunk98]

i am struggling with balancing my childrens' needs and my own. the age old problem.
backstory...
I have 2 kids, dd is 5 and in full-day kindergarten and ds is 2 and home with me. i spend alot of time on the computer, so for lent i limited computer use to when the children are sleeping. we have also limited tv use to 1 hour/day for kids and after kids are in bed for dh and i.

our day today...
last night, i was unable to get on the internet and couldn't do what i needed (i'm a daisy scout leader and need to plan projects and i'm also in the middle of planning a class i'm teaching next week), so while ds ate his breakfast i went on the computer. i was on for about an hour (!), then i gave him 1 hour of 1-on-1 playing-undivided attention-before lunch. he ate lunch, while i straightened up and then nursed him down for his nap. while he napped i worked on some sewing projects. ds woke from his nap in time to get dd off the bus. then they played together for an hour while i worked on my sewing some more. we went to my parents for a bit then i let them watch their hour of tv in my bed while i folded laundry. we ate dinner and i went to a pta meeting while dh was home with them.
i worry that i don't spend enough "quality" time with them, bc i have my own things that i want or need to do-even if i they are right there with me, playing in the same room and talking to me. sometimes, dd even likes to role play while i'm doing my work, like "pretend you're the grandma who is sewing", etc. yesterday i wanted to go to the library so we all went and i they played and picked out books. but i still felt guilty bc while they were playing, i was reading a book. this is an ongoing thought in my brain. i feel like i should be interacting with them all the time, even when they are playing nicely alone (rare) or together (less rare).

am i crazy?

thanks for listening.

[Red Pajama]

Personally, I don't feel that you need to be entertaining your children or directly involved with each activity. Sometimes, they need your thoughtful interactions. Sometimes, they need just supervision.

I see nothing wrong with how you've described how you spend your time. I also was supposed to limit computer time for lent, and here I am!

[onthemove]

I think you are being to hard on yourself (mothers often are) your dc's seem to be fine. They will often try very hard for your attention if they feel they need you and the good thing is you are not very far away. Children need to know you have things to do too!

[floiejo2]

I am with you! I'm constantly struggling with this. I think it's because when I first had dd1(5.5), I was interacting with her her every waking hour. I was so completely involved with her and talking, reading, playing, nursing her that I never and I mean never had a moment for myself. It took a while but I eventually broke from not ever having a second for myself. After I realized that to be healthy I had to have more me time and do things I like to do, we balanced out and both of us were happier. Then I got pregnant with dd2(2.5) and really started feeling guilty, I get super sick while pregnant, and had dd1 watching more tv than I like and doing alone things. I always felt bad. Then number two comes along and that was another huge adjustment with trying to split myself 3 or 4 ways. But I think it's good for children to do things on their own, your day sounds about like mine except I homeschool my oldest so they are with me all the time. I work 2 evenings a week and also take me time every now and then which may be a girls night out, or a whole day. Not that often, but I think it's good for my children to know that I value myself enough to do things for me too. I want them growing up knowing that they are very important and to feel good enough about themselves that they take care of themselves and not always someone else.

[possum]

I think children need to see us engaged in meaningful activities every day. Spending time directly with your kids doing kids stuff is okay sometimes, but I don't think playing kids games every waking hour is a good way of teaching kids how to live life. It's actually one of my *issues* with early school - child-centered activities.
I think your day sounds reasonable. Your kids need to see mommy planning for things in the future (like you did on the computer), being industrious and creative (sewing rather than just going out and buying everything ready made), keeping a good home (getting dinner and folding laundry), and doing adult only activities (going to the PTA meeting). If they only see you playing Hi Ho Cherry-O or reading kids books or other child-centered activities, how will they learn to be adults?
If you feel like your kids need more interaction with you, you might try incorporating them into your household activities. My 3 year old loves to cook and put the laundry in, move it over, and take it out. He's not so much into folding it, but I figure that will likely come.
He also likes to help sweep (although he make more mess than he generally cleans up at this point) and put the cat food out. There are lots of things around the house that I bet your kids would love to help with.
Be easy on yourself, it sounds like you are doing a great job!
Melinda

[MeAndVee]

Quality not quanity!!!! Think about mothers' of the past who had A LOT more hosehold work. They didn't spend every second of the day playing with their children. And I am sure their children turned out just fine! And think about when you were little...did your mom sit with you all day long? Did you resent her doing things like housework? I bet your DC don't mind you doing laundry or sewing while they play on the floor nearby! I only have one {2.5} and I try to check-in every so often and talk about what he is doing. I sew the majority of my day and he is right in the room with me with whatever toy is the it toy of the day. I also set up things he can do by himself. We talk, and sing while I am busy. He likes watching the machine stitch! Yes I feel the same as you do...that I should devote my time to him and limit my work to when he is asleep. But than when would I sleep?! Your needs are important too. And a happy mom is a lot more fun!

[almadianna]

I think your day sounds pretty great mama. No guilt needed!

[bluedaisy]

Hi mama! I understand the guilt, I think we can all relate

However, I have to say that lately I've been thinking that I don't think giving kids 100% undivided attention all the time is a positive thing.

Our culture is very child centered and we tend to revolve our lives around our kids.

I think when kids are little they need to be around mama a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be entertaining them. Especially since you have 2 kids they have each other for entertainment. You being present is a source of security and I think that is so important but if you're busy cooking, working, cleaning etc I think it's fine to your kids to realize that you have things that need to be done.

[dfunk98]

Thanks so much, mamas!! This is why I love coming on here so much. The support is so heartfelt, especially coming from complete "strangers". You ladies have definitely helped me feel more mommy confident!!

And just to address what possum said...my ds loves to help and do chores around the house, much more so than dd did/does. I try to include him in chores like laundry and cooking (his favorite). He also likes to wash dishes and I just got him a broom and a dustpan so he can help with that, too.
Last week, I started setting some "Montessori"-like activities for ds to do while I was organizing and he really enjoyed it. After each one, he kept asking "what next, mommy?" So cute!!
I read on another post a suggestion about finding toddler crafts/activities at the beginning of the week as a sort of plan on what to do. I think I'm going to start doing this so I can get ds engaged in activity close by, while I do my "work".
Thanks again, mamas!!

[sophi4ka]

This is exactly the thread I needed to read. I was so happy to read the responses!

I also battle with constant guilt that I don't want to spend all my time with DD. In my case though, I usually do, but really resent it. It sounds in the realm of fantazy to me, to be able to actually sew or read or do anything with DD playing by herself. Never happens in this house. DD doesn't let me do anything at all by myself. Ever. Part of it is probably my fault as I got her used to this undivided attention.

[dfunk98]

sophi4ka!! you are not alone!!

[pantrygirl]

i just wanted to thank you for posting this. I'm feeling a bit like this myself. Add that for the last two week's we've been sequestered due to a cold and I'm feeling super batty but also feel like I'm not spending enough time with my daughter.

Hugs and I think you are doing a terrific job!
As for less computer time for Lent, God Bless. I think that's a super hard thing for me to give up.