How is it different to AP an adopted child?

[miche28]

DH and I are almost through the homestudy/approval process to adopt - we have two bio kids (3 and 6) and we are likely going the route of a private domestic adoption (though we're still open to a range of options, so we'll see). We hope and expect it will be an open adoption. I am adopted myself (though a closed open).

Anyway, the thing is that a lot of what I'm reading about promoting attachment is just 'normal' parenting to us - we co-sleep, babywear, keep our kids close and are attuned and responsive to their needs because that's just how we parent.

The one thing that I am aware may be an issue if I cannot bring in a full supply (or we adopt an older baby) is learning how to bottlefeed in the same way I nursed, but are there other specific issues I should be thinking about?

[SundayCrepes]

Why not just nurse your new baby? With a newborn it's easy, an older baby might be a different story (though I've read about many who have gotten older babies to nurse.)

You can read about adoptive nursing at www.asklenore.com. You can get donor milk at www.milkshare.com.

I got fairly close to full supply for my adopted baby. I needed to supplement with 2 to 6 ounces of donor milk for a few months. Someone else I know didn't want to hassle with stimulating milk production so she used donor milk fed at the breast with a lactaid nursing system. I've used a lactaid for supplementation and, once you figure them out, they are easy to use.

[miche28]

The current plan is to breastfeed and I think I'll be ok (they're well "worked in" ), but depending on the age of the baby, I'm not sure how realistic it is that they will latch and nurse well. But either way, the baby will get breastmilk .

[Polliwog]

If you can breastfeed, terrific. If not, bottle feeding isn't the end of the world. Both of my kids were bottle fed and are perfectly attached, and wonderful, children.

[queencarr]

One thing that I have found in APing my adopted children is that the "being responsive to their needs" can look very different than with a bio child who has had no separations from parents. With a newborn, you may not notice this as much, but older babies, toddlers, and children aalready have patterns, routines, and ways of doing things. It is important to honor that and not change them to the "AP trappings" just to be more AP. Some adopted babies hate being worn, they may already have preferences on how their bottles are held, how they are put to sleep, where they sleep, etc. You may have to re-adjust your thinking. If you do change what they are familiar with, it is best to go very slowly. So for example, if they are used to holding their own bottle facing out from you, work your hands under their so they are holding you not the bottle. The gradually shift them, not making eye contact if it is too much. Realize you may never have eye contact while feeding, etc.

We coslept with my second child, the first adopted child, for about a month. He had coslept with his foster mom in Korea, so was familiar with the concept. However, they slept traditionally, on the floor. He was an active sleeper, and moved the whole of the room. Obviously, that didn't work sandwiched between dh and I He wasn't happy. So we put him a crib, and he was happy as a clam. We made sure to get in extra touch and holding during daylight hours instead. Now, at 4 1/2, he loves it when his older bother sleeps with him, and will often sleep on the floor in our room. He also likes to cosleep with the dog

[RedOakMomma]

I kept my breastmilk supply going, in hopes of nursing dd. In fact, not only did she NOT want to nurse, but her "landing" (arrival) was so rough, so frought with sleep deprivation and difficulty, that nursing quickly fell off the radar. I'm glad it did, honestly. Dd was more comfortable with bottle nursing, and it was so much more relaxing (and bonding!) than our frustrated efforts to breastfeed.

I want to echo what Carrie said: APing the adopted child is truly about being child-led and child-focused. Forget the long list of "AP shoulds" that snooty AP parents believe is the "best" way to parent. Listen to your gut, instead, and follow the lead of your children. You may be surprised at where you depart from AP.

We had to bend our AP ideals a lot for dd. She did not feel comfortable co-sleeping, simply because it was not her norm. Forcing her to do it, in my mind, would have been putting our AP ideals ahead of her own comfort and happiness. There's a fine line to walk, because of course you want to encourage bonding and be very aware of children who don't want to attach or throw up roadblocks to attachment, but we felt that cosleeping wasn't the battle we wanted to fight. She slept in her crib, was happy there, and we were always near to comfort and hold her if she needed us. In hindsight, it was absolutely the right decision. Dd has been home for 18+ months and is very bonded, very secure...our decision to respect her needs and sleeping wishes was AP parenting, even if it didn't involve cosleeping.

So yeah...my AP mama self (three bio kids before dd) had quite the adjustment to dd, and there was a lot of self-questioning of what was "right." Was I just worn out and exhausted, and that's why I wasn't insisting on doing the "right" AP thing? Was I hurting attachment efforts by "giving up" on cosleeping and breastfeeding? Was it just her real, individual needs that demanded these adjustments, or was I catering to a child who resisted attachment? So much self-questioning, so much self-doubt.

And plus we had to factor in toddler behaviors, including limits-setting, tantrums, random lines in the sand...sussing out what are ADOPTION-related behaviors and what areTODDLER-related behaviors is a challenge, to say the least. I doubt many AP parents ever have to face that challenge, except perhaps those that are dealing with children that have special or sensory needs. For example, with some of the tantrums, if it's adoption-based you're taught to react one way (hyper-responsive, hyper-loving), but if it's just toddler-based then there's a whole separate way to react (including natural consequences, setting limits, etc.). When to do one or the other, or when to just stop assessing everything through the eyes of adoption (and instead move on to straight parenting) is tricky...very tricky.

As for responding to needs, staying close, being attuned, baby-wearing, avoiding lots of overstimulating toys or tv or any of the other more natural, AP-parenting techniques, dd seemed to thrive with them. Those worked.

[queencarr]

ROM, you said much better than I what I was trying to express. My medication and pain addled brain is about to give up being able to communicate effectively!! I am so tired of this broken foot!

miche28, I forgot to mention the incredibly useful sticky at the top of this forum with all sorts of info on adoptive bf and bottlenursing. If you have good supply and your baby is young enough that the transition to bf is easy, great!!! Adoptive bf is wonderful If your baby is older or already attached to their bottle, there are some good tips for mimicking the bonding effects of bf with a bottle from some very experienced and willing to help you with whatever mamas (that would be us!!) ! From a long term exclusive pumper for my bio child, I will tell you straight up there is no way that I could have dealt with what was required to maintain supply and deal with other children, especially those traumatized by adoption. YMMV Heck, with number 3, we barefy functioned at all for the first year (lots of adoption trauma/grieving issues)! I did attempt to induce lactation with my second child, had some droplets, and got him to successfully latch pretty easily (I suspect he was dry nursed by his FM, which would have been culturally appropriate). He comfort nursed off and on for a few days. He then got teeth 2 weeks later, and could not figure out how to nurse and teeth and grieve and get used to me, all at the same time. I carried a lot of guilt for a while that I hadn't stuck it out. But looking back, I met his most essential and important need of as few changes as possible, which was what he really needed from me at that time. So follow your gut and don't feel guilty!!!

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes

Why not just nurse your new baby? With a newborn it's easy, an older baby might be a different story (though I've read about many who have gotten older babies to nurse.)

SundayCrepes, I am glad it was an easy experience for you, but it really isn't always, even with a newborn. I think the thing about using AP with an adopted child is the "rules" about what is usually best are shaky. Bonding has to be the most important thing, and that might mean giving up on something that is very important to you as the mom. I do that that the younger the baby is, the more likely it is that AP will look similar to the way you would raise a bio child.

[marsupial-mom]

I'm no expert but parenting is parenting. The child's bio background doesn't make a ton of difference in how you parent the child. the only differences I foresee are these:

1. If the child is not a newborn or if s/he is a newborn who was exposed to drugs or spent significant time in a hospital nursey without a primary caregiver, you will likely face a few bonding challenges at first. The child may not be used to as much holding and affection and/or might not enjoy it (sadly, some kinds of drug withdrawls mean baby hates being held because it literally hurts to be touched). This is temporary and can usually be overcome.

2. You may be restricted by state law or by birth parent wishes regarding some parenting techniques. For example, if you adopt through foster care, co-sleeping is frowned upon.

3.If the child is obviously adopted (different race, your age, etc) then you'll likely receive extra criticism from people who don't support attachment parenting. You may encounter more obstacles when trying to get others to treat you child the way you want them to treat him/her.

4. You already mentioned breastfeeding.

5. You might struggle more attaching to the child. Post-birth hormones help mothers attach to theirbabies, but in thecaee of adoption you don't have those hormones. It's not a big deal, it just might take a little longer to feel totally in love with your adopted child.

[miche28]

Thank you for all your replies - it's definitely resonating with me that I'll have to keep the baby's attachment at the top of mind, instead of finally getting to apply these hard-learned techniques perfectly. Sigh - a good reminder that it's the baby and not the wrap around her that is important!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

I want to echo what Carrie said: APing the adopted child is truly about being child-led and child-focused. Forget the long list of "AP shoulds" that snooty AP parents believe is the "best" way to parent. Listen to your gut, instead, and follow the lead of your children. You may be surprised at where you depart from AP.

My adoptive daughter was drug-exposed. We are also foster parents so she was not the first drug-exposed infant we'd had. Plus our bio son who had some EXTREME developmental & sensory issues. With the exception of one of the drug, none of them could tolerate being worn and were "bucket babies". My Moby and I wept. But the children are all remarkably well adjusted and well attached given what they've endured. We did what they needed and followed their lead. Of course, that means we still lay down with our 6yo bio son when he goes to sleep.

Making them feel safe and loved doesn't equate to a single specific recipe. My daughter is better attached at 16mo having never co-slept or nursed than my bio son was at 3yo with the benefit of both.

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

2. You may be restricted by state law or by birth parent wishes regarding some parenting techniques. For example, if you adopt through foster care, co-sleeping is frowned upon.

And in most states (if you adopt from foster care) this includes breastfeeding. My daughter was placed with us at 12 days old as an adoptive placement--not a foster child. Her mother gave her up and signed everything necessary (father was unknown). But legally, we couldn't nurse her. I nursed my bio son until he weaned himself at 5yo so I'm very much "for" bfing, but I didn't see the need to risk my daughter's placement for bfing. We can bond in plenty of other ways.

[EFmom]

You need to take your clues from your child.

My kids were just about a year old at the time of the adoptions (international). The last thing either of them would have wanted was for me to try to bf them. They had just had their worlds turned upside down--new people, new language, new smells, new everything. Their bottles were one reliable source of comfort and I didn't want to be the one to force something new.

My kids wanted nothing to do with cosleeping. They could not go to sleep with us in the room. My older daughter had sleep issues, but the standard "AP" approaches made the issues a million times worse. I wished I'd done what my gut was telling me to do instead of torturing her for weeks with AP.

They were both at the age where they were starting to walk. Being in a carrier annoyed one of them to no end, where the other didn't mind so much. Forcing them to be in a sling or the like when they didn't want to be wouldn't have been helpful.

Attachment comes with the million little daily interactions. We spent tons of time playing games and doing activities that build trust. Figuring out how to get us all laughing together was hugely important. Feeding was done with a lot of personal attention, and it was fun for all of us. I think really paying attention to what your child needs is key, rather than following some AP rulebook.

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I'm no expert but parenting is parenting. The child's bio background doesn't make a ton of difference in how you parent the child.

That hasn't been my experience. My daughter's early experiences prior to her adoption (at age 5.5 months) definitely have affected how we parent her, especially since the preschool years.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I'm no expert but parenting is parenting. The child's bio background doesn't make a ton of difference in how you parent the child.

This struck me as off (at least to my experience), too. The child's biological background may not make a ton of difference...unless we're talking about drug-exposure or cognitive/sensory issues...in which case the child's biological issues become very important to parenting choices.

...In our case, biological issues aren't what made the difference in how we parented, but the culture and circumstances of our daughter's first months made a HUGE, HUGE difference. She had several different caretakers, a lot of transitions, a totally different language and cultural experience...and that's just naming a few. She was a very confused, very insecure, extremely traumatized little girl for the first many months we parented her.

I tend not to credit every challenge and difficulty to adoption, but there's no doubt in my mind that dd's experiences before (and after) her adoption made a huge difference in how she needed to be parented and how we chose to parent her. For her own happiness and security, we had to approach parenting in very different ways than we did for our other children.

[tiffani]

I think that AP'ing an adopted child cuts to the heart of what it truly means to AP -- focus on the relationship you're building with your child, not on the techniques of AP'ing, if that makes sense. I was planning to nurse our adopted children, but as our adoption takes longer and longer, that dream is fading away. She will be about 9-11 months when I finally get to her, and I had hoped (when she was 5 months and we thought our little guy was just 2) that she would nurse, and her big brother would follow her lead. Seeing photos of big brother, he's obviously at least 3, so likely won't nurse at all. Baby girl is getting older by the minute, and I just can't put my body through the changes that happen when I re-lactate when the odds of either of them nursing is essentially zero. If they show signs that they might be interested, I'll go for it at that time, but if not, I will rejoice in bottle nursing, and cuddling, and laughing, and hopefully co-sleeping (but we shall see...), and just being the best mom FOR MY KIDS that I can be. I have learned with my two older children that the ideals and techniques matter far less than the respectful connection you develop with your children.

[tiffani]

and congratulations on your decision to adopt!

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by tiffani

I think that AP'ing an adopted child cuts to the heart of what it truly means to AP -- focus on the relationship you're building with your child, not on the techniques of AP'ing, if that makes sense.

I completely agree. The relationship that you develop with your child is way more important than breastfeeding, location of sleep, and mode of travel.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I completely agree. The relationship that you develop with your child is way more important than breastfeeding, location of sleep, and mode of travel.

Soooooo well said!

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

If you can breastfeed, terrific. If not, bottle feeding isn't the end of the world. Both of my kids were bottle fed and are perfectly attached, and wonderful, children.

I am going to agree with this. I breastfed my fisrt DS and now bottle feed my foster daughter who is 7 months. It was just not possible to breastfeed for many reasons, one important is she is foster. I make sure I always hold her, stare into her eyes, talk to her and just cuddle when she feeds. She is perfectly attaching to us. She is not a co-sleeper, she adores her crib and aquarium toy. But, we focus on babywearing, tuning into her needs, and only gentle re-direction right now. My DS is still a snuggler, she is not too much. I really cherish those few moments a day she wants to snuggle. She loves to be in a carrier, though, so that is awesome.

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by queencarr

He also likes to cosleep with the dog

Too funny, my DS co-sleeps with at least one, sometimes both of the dogs. Usually one at the foot of his bed and one cuddled around his neck (don't worry she is only three pounds).