Filing custody when you don't know the other parents location

[Theia]

Has anyone BTDT, or got any experience or advice they are willing to share? I don't want to put details for safety purposes, but I don't have a physical address for DD's father. It has been a long time since he last saw her, well over half of her life. I am her sole provider in all ways. I want to terminate his parental rights as he does not make attempts to contact her, even for her birthday.

He is on her birth certificate FWIW. PM's are fine if you don't want to share in public.

TIA

[csekywithlove]

What about his parents or a relative that you happen to know he might be in close contact with or through whom you could find out his address? Just taking a shot in the dark here.

Good luck

[Annie Mac]

I've done this, although it was about 17 years ago, and I'm also in Canada so there may be different laws and requirements for you. I truly had no idea where he was, so I took some educated guesses as to possible cities he might live in, and the lawyer filed notice in the legal section of the newspapers in those areas, as well as the city I filed in. I did know where his parents were, but that didn't matter, as they weren't really sure where he was either. It doesn't sound like he'll challenge you anyway.

[Theia]

Thank you csekywithlove and Annie Mac. I hope you are right AM that he wouldn't challenge it.

I am in the US....as far as I know, he is not. And we weren't married if that helps at all.

The only address I have for anyone in his family is a PO Box of his parents that is not in the US either. That address was given to me over a year ago though.... so I'm not sure if it's still valid.

How hard do I have to try to find him? There was abuse involved so I have valid safety concerns for DD and I.

I tried to file for custody last year and the alternative forms of service were all denied because DD's father is out of country. I even checked with the US Postal Service and they said they honored certified mail between those two countries (US and His), but the judge turned it down because it was not X's address, it was his parents. I'm pretty confident his parents wouldn't give me his address, they were never supportive of our relationship anyway and haven't shown any interest in their GD. It's a cultural thing, but we are a blemish on their family, from their perspective.

I wish this part was over. It's the last big thing I have to do that requires him in any way.

[Annie Mac]

Do you have a lawyer, or can you afford to get one? If not, I would suggest first asking at womens' centres, they probably can direct you to some cheap or free legal advice in this situation. Or call Legal Aid and see if they can do anything for you, even just offer you advice to help you do it yourself. I remember when I did this, the lawyer asked if I felt there was any threat to me or my daughter should he catch wind of the court proceedings. He said that if there were, there were alternate routes we could go through that didn't involve notifying him. Again, different country & different laws, but worth asking, especially since it *was* an abusive situation for you.

[meemee]

theia,

your case is a complicated case which involves international situation.

seriously i would definitely talk to an immigration lawyer about this. or even the immigration office to see if they can at least guide you.

here in the US from what i remember you have to show with proof that you have tried to find him over a period of time, and then serve legal notices in the newspaper.

you might also try the multicultural forum here and post this question there and see if any mama's could help you.

i also wonder if same case as divorce applies. if you cant find the husband and have heard nothing for what 5 years - legally you can file for divorce on abandonment grounds.

[Satori]

All you need to do is file and request service by publication in the city of his last known residence. It is not your job to track him all over the globe, especially if this is an abandonment case. I would how ever try to serve him at his last known address when you 2 were together. Yes you know he's not there but it shows the attempt to contact him at his last known addy. Do be aware that if your receiving any public assistance TPR will not be granted.

[Theia]

Thanks everyone. My head hurts so I'm not going to try multiquoting.

But I am going to make another appointment with the local DV shelter for a legal evaluation. There is a lawyer that works with this shelter so I'll see if I can get in to see her. I'll keep in mind what everyone advised. I'd love for my notice to him to be as simple as sending something to our old address.

I do have one question.... Satori what does this mean?

Do be aware that if your receiving any public assistance TPR will not be granted.

I do receive foodstamps. He has never been served a CS order due to being outside the US. I have our case as "marked for cause" anyway so even if he did return, they wouldn't try to pursue him for CS. So would they still not grant TPR because of this? Thanks.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by Theia

I do have one question.... Satori what does this mean?


I do receive foodstamps. He has never been served a CS order due to being outside the US. I have our case as "marked for cause" anyway so even if he did return, they wouldn't try to pursue him for CS. So would they still not grant TPR because of this? Thanks.

When I did the TPR they were very clear, if I was receiving any gov aid like FS, cash or medicaid it would not be granted. I had to prove to the court I could support my child 100% without the fathers support and if I was needing aid from the state it was obvious that I couldn't. Just telling you what I was told. Call and talk to the adoptions clerk at the court house and find out if she's seen a TPR done when a parent was receiving FS.

[Theia]

Ugghhh..... that sucks. Thanks for your response. I will check that also. She (DD) is also on Medicaid. Gawd! I wish the US could just pass some sort of Universal Health Care so that stuff like this wouldn't *hopefully* be such an issue. It would be hard, but I think I'd probably give up my FS for a TPR. The Medicaid though, that's too big of a chance to take given an emergency or whatever.

Hopefully my income is going to go up in the next several months..... it would probably be enough to DQ us for FS and maybe Medicaid. I don't know what the limitations are for Medicaid though. But then I'd have to find personal health insurance..... Arghh!! I wanna rant, but I'll stop before I derail my own thread completely.

[kittywitty]

I don't have a legal custody order, but with child support (since we have medicaid), it's served at the last legal address or whatever the license bureau has on record for them. Since there's an international issue...I don't know. I know in many states 6 months without parental contact is abandonment and the parent loses custody without appealing it.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by Theia

Ugghhh..... that sucks. Thanks for your response. I will check that also. She (DD) is also on Medicaid. Gawd! I wish the US could just pass some sort of Universal Health Care so that stuff like this wouldn't *hopefully* be such an issue. It would be hard, but I think I'd probably give up my FS for a TPR. The Medicaid though, that's too big of a chance to take given an emergency or whatever.

Hopefully my income is going to go up in the next several months..... it would probably be enough to DQ us for FS and maybe Medicaid. I don't know what the limitations are for Medicaid though. But then I'd have to find personal health insurance..... Arghh!! I wanna rant, but I'll stop before I derail my own thread completely.

I don't remember how it all worked out but I was able to drop all services for 4 months and support us while I did the TPR (having healthy families was fine, just couldn't be on the medicaid side of it). It could have been done in half that time but I had to serve by publication which really slowed the process down. Now that I think about it I was a full time student at the time and living on grants if I remember right and just working summers and holidays and it was fine by the courts because I could show a budget that got the bills paid year around.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

I don't have a legal custody order, but with child support (since we have medicaid), it's served at the last legal address or whatever the license bureau has on record for them. Since there's an international issue...I don't know. I know in many states 6 months without parental contact is abandonment and the parent loses custody without appealing it.

Thanks for the info. I've checked into the laws (well with google) for specific info on abandonment in my state. I think we qualify, but I'm not sure if the info I've been able to find is complete or what. I did a phone consult with an attorney who said something about the other parent making "reasonable contact" or something. A specific legal term that he used that I can't remember now. Anyways, DD's father hasn't been doing that.

Originally Posted by Satori

I don't remember how it all worked out but I was able to drop all services for 4 months and support us while I did the TPR (having healthy families was fine, just couldn't be on the medicaid side of it). It could have been done in half that time but I had to serve by publication which really slowed the process down. Now that I think about it I was a full time student at the time and living on grants if I remember right and just working summers and holidays and it was fine by the courts because I could show a budget that got the bills paid year around.

So you can drop services temporarily and then after receiving the TPR reapply? I'm sure they won't guarantee readmission, but it's something to think about. Financially, I am in a good situation. My income is low, but I'm also using a Sec8 voucher for housing so that drastically improves it. My voucher is through the HUD-VASH program though, so I wonder if that would matter at all. I would be able to show a good budget in court if needed. I keep my expenses low and I am building a bit of savings.

I kick myself all the time for putting his name on the birth certificate.

[ProtoLawyer]

Keep in mind some states won't do a TPR unless there is a second parent (usually a married stepparent, sometimes an unmarried domestic partner in states that allow it) willing to adopt, regardless of custody, contact, and support.

But if yours will (and receiving Medicaid isn't a barrier), then publication of notice and/or mailing it to the last known address (check your state's specific laws) should suffice.

And don't kick yourself for putting him on the birth certificate! Chances are, the state would have initiated a paternity/support case when you applied for food stamps and medicaid anyway.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by Theia

Thanks for the info. I've checked into the laws (well with google) for specific info on abandonment in my state. I think we qualify, but I'm not sure if the info I've been able to find is complete or what. I did a phone consult with an attorney who said something about the other parent making "reasonable contact" or something. A specific legal term that he used that I can't remember now. Anyways, DD's father hasn't been doing that.



So you can drop services temporarily and then after receiving the TPR reapply? I'm sure they won't guarantee readmission, but it's something to think about. Financially, I am in a good situation. My income is low, but I'm also using a Sec8 voucher for housing so that drastically improves it. My voucher is through the HUD-VASH program though, so I wonder if that would matter at all. I would be able to show a good budget in court if needed. I keep my expenses low and I am building a bit of savings.

I kick myself all the time for putting his name on the birth certificate.

I wouldn't call it "temporarily", I simply didn't need services at that time, the fact that I needed them after the TPR is irrelevant. It was nice to be able to hand them the court order though and not have to worry about him retaliating b/c he got hit with CS. Although the way it worked out is kinda like karma, made things difficult while I was prego and never saw CS, the morning I went to court (she was 4 by then) in the mail was a CS check for like $4k, it was a huge shock! Kinda freaked me out though b/c lack of CS was one of the grounds I used. Thankfully it turned out the money was from an IRS intercept Another check showed up at the 2nd court date when the TPR was granted and holy cow started getting a check every month for $1200 for like 18 months while back support was paid off. Never thought I would see C/S, much less after the TPR! It was paid off a couple of years ago and I still don't regret the TPR, yes I miss the money but the stress factor more then makes up for the loss of money and there was no guarantee I would have kept getting C/S and the huge worry of him trying to get custody.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

Keep in mind some states won't do a TPR unless there is a second parent (usually a married stepparent, sometimes an unmarried domestic partner in states that allow it) willing to adopt, regardless of custody, contact, and support.

But if yours will (and receiving Medicaid isn't a barrier), then publication of notice and/or mailing it to the last known address (check your state's specific laws) should suffice.

And don't kick yourself for putting him on the birth certificate! Chances are, the state would have initiated a paternity/support case when you applied for food stamps and medicaid anyway.

Thank you. I am aware of this, but I'm not sure if my state is one of those that requires a second parent to adopt. In my case there is no one I'd be willing to let do that. Is there a specific legal term I could google that would help me find that info for my state? I'm not comfortable publicly revealing my location. I've googled TPR and abandonment for my state. I think we qualify, but I've not seen anything that refers to limitations based on receiving gov't aid. I imagine there are specific legal terms that I'm just not aware of.

And thanks for reminding me to give myself a break on the birth certificate. It wouldn't have been a hard case to crack for them since we were living together and his name was on my DHS paperwork.

Originally Posted by Satori

I wouldn't call it "temporarily", I simply didn't need services at that time, the fact that I needed them after the TPR is irrelevant. It was nice to be able to hand them the court order though and not have to worry about him retaliating b/c he got hit with CS. Although the way it worked out is kinda like karma, made things difficult while I was prego and never saw CS, the morning I went to court (she was 4 by then) in the mail was a CS check for like $4k, it was a huge shock! Kinda freaked me out though b/c lack of CS was one of the grounds I used. Thankfully it turned out the money was from an IRS intercept Another check showed up at the 2nd court date when the TPR was granted and holy cow started getting a check every month for $1200 for like 18 months while back support was paid off. Never thought I would see C/S, much less after the TPR! It was paid off a couple of years ago and I still don't regret the TPR, yes I miss the money but the stress factor more then makes up for the loss of money and there was no guarantee I would have kept getting C/S and the huge worry of him trying to get custody.

Oh, thanks for clearing that up about the services. And nice that you got CS after the TPR. I would be surprised if I ever see any. First I'd have to know where he is, and he would have to be back in country. And I'd have to remove the hold on my account that prevents them from pursuing him for CS. He has another child from a marriage before me, and there was talk of him giving his rights up for that child. I asked him if he would do the same for our DD, and he sent me an email (last year) that says he gives me full financial and legal responsibility for DD. I'm not sure if that would hold any weight in court tho. I'm not even sure if I should bring it up.

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by Theia

Thank you. I am aware of this, but I'm not sure if my state is one of those that requires a second parent to adopt. In my case there is no one I'd be willing to let do that. Is there a specific legal term I could google that would help me find that info for my state? I'm not comfortable publicly revealing my location. I've googled TPR and abandonment for my state. I think we qualify, but I've not seen anything that refers to limitations based on receiving gov't aid. I imagine there are specific legal terms that I'm just not aware of.

Sometimes adding "requirements" or "statutes" can be helpful.
Another thing you might be able to do is call the clerk of family court or juvenile court (some jurisdictions handle TPR in family, some in juvenile) in your county and ask if they have any pro se information. They can't give you legal advice but can point you to the right process and statutes. Some even have legal clinics (run by volunteers, sometimes law students, but supervised by experienced lawyers) where you can get 20 minutes or so of Q&A.

If you want to PM me your location, I can try to see what I can come up with (keeping in mind that I am not licensed in your state and this will be friendly advice rather than legal advice). But I understand if you want to keep that completely quiet as well.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

Sometimes adding "requirements" or "statutes" can be helpful.
Another thing you might be able to do is call the clerk of family court or juvenile court (some jurisdictions handle TPR in family, some in juvenile) in your county and ask if they have any pro se information. They can't give you legal advice but can point you to the right process and statutes. Some even have legal clinics (run by volunteers, sometimes law students, but supervised by experienced lawyers) where you can get 20 minutes or so of Q&A.

If you want to PM me your location, I can try to see what I can come up with (keeping in mind that I am not licensed in your state and this will be friendly advice rather than legal advice). But I understand if you want to keep that completely quiet as well.

Thats a good suggestion, the law library at the court house had a TPR packet for $3 that basically walked me though the process and even had examples of how to write up orders and stuff. If you happen to be in CA I can tell you TPR is allowed by single parents, I did it and know of several others who have as well. If your states doesn't allow it you might want to consider moving to a state that does and establish residency and file then move back if you want after its done. Expensive I know but it would have been worth it for me.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

Sometimes adding "requirements" or "statutes" can be helpful.
Another thing you might be able to do is call the clerk of family court or juvenile court (some jurisdictions handle TPR in family, some in juvenile) in your county and ask if they have any pro se information. They can't give you legal advice but can point you to the right process and statutes. Some even have legal clinics (run by volunteers, sometimes law students, but supervised by experienced lawyers) where you can get 20 minutes or so of Q&A.

If you want to PM me your location, I can try to see what I can come up with (keeping in mind that I am not licensed in your state and this will be friendly advice rather than legal advice). But I understand if you want to keep that completely quiet as well.

Thank you Proto, I PM'd you. And that is a good suggestion to call and ask for pro se info. I wish stuff like this was common knowledge. I know when I tried to file before when I talked to the clerk she wouldn't answer any of my questions, but neither did she offer pro se info. If I have to, I'll hire a lawyer, but I'd like to be knowledgeable if what I am asking for is realistic and even do some of the leg work myself. I've got the time, I just need the direction.

Originally Posted by Satori

Thats a good suggestion, the law library at the court house had a TPR packet for $3 that basically walked me though the process and even had examples of how to write up orders and stuff. If you happen to be in CA I can tell you TPR is allowed by single parents, I did it and know of several others who have as well. If your states doesn't allow it you might want to consider moving to a state that does and establish residency and file then move back if you want after its done. Expensive I know but it would have been worth it for me.

I wish I was in CA. I hope my current state is TPR supportive. I am going to follow up on some of these great suggestions. I'd rather not move because I just spent the last year as a homeless person in shelters, but I will keep an open mind.

[LoveOhm]

I am going thru the service by publication process in CA and it is not an easy process by any means and can easily take 3-6 months so just know it's not an overnight fix. What helps is at the end of the day I will have protected my dd and myself from the stress her father brings if he should ever decide to come back in the picture. I am actually submitting my request for Service by Publication at my court date tomorrow and I am very excited!!!

Wish I had given thought to TPR though..... not sure I would do that but it is food for thought.