Filing custody when you don't know the other parents location - Page 2

[Satori]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

I am going thru the service by publication process in CA and it is not an easy process by any means and can easily take 3-6 months so just know it's not an overnight fix. What helps is at the end of the day I will have protected my dd and myself from the stress her father brings if he should ever decide to come back in the picture. I am actually submitting my request for Service by Publication at my court date tomorrow and I am very excited!!!

Wish I had given thought to TPR though..... not sure I would do that but it is food for thought.

I found the process rather easy, time consuming yes since I had to do a lot of leg work but an uncontested TPR in CA takes about 6 weeks, if you have to publish it moves it to 12-16 weeks but still was a pretty easy process and a lot faster then dealing with custody filings.

[Theia]

LoveOhm - I wish you success at your court appointment tomorrow!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Satori

I found the process rather easy, time consuming yes since I had to do a lot of leg work but an uncontested TPR in CA takes about 6 weeks, if you have to publish it moves it to 12-16 weeks but still was a pretty easy process and a lot faster then dealing with custody filings.

For clarity I do not know much about TPR but in my experience the initial steps and filing to be able to do service by publication are quite extensive and while hard does not accurately describe it I was trying to convey to Theia that requesting Service By Publication truly a process and not one that happens overnight based on my experience.

I am thankful to see your comments on TPR because it is something I had never really considered. I thought (based only on this MDC forum) that TPR was mostly used with abuse, if a parent was in prison, or if a new marriage takes place and they want to have an adoption etc. so this is very new to me. Truly I am not judging, but am curious so please know my questions are true curiosity........ What are the advantages and disadvantages (both to the parents a to the child) to having TPR? Why request TPR over Sole Legal and Physical?

Originally Posted by Theia

LoveOhm - I wish you success at your court appointment tomorrow!

Theia thank you for the warm wishes!!! It took ALL day but it went GREAT! The judged signed my Request to do Service By Publication (actually service by posting, which is similar but a little different since I have a court fee waiver) and I will hopefully be filing a default judgement in a little over a month!!!!

[Theia]

LoveOhm - I am glad to hear your appointment went well.

I want a TPR because I am pretty confident he is walking out of DD's life as in forever, at least until she is old enough to try to contact him on her own (which I will support). He won't want to pay support. He abused both of us, as well as threatened international kidnapping.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Theia

LoveOhm - I am glad to hear your appointment went well.

I want a TPR because I am pretty confident he is walking out of DD's life as in forever, at least until she is old enough to try to contact him on her own (which I will support). He won't want to pay support. He abused both of us, as well as threatened international kidnapping.

Thank you I am REALLY happy!

I understand you feel he is walking out of her lie forever and thus wanting the TPR but wouldn't Sole Custody protect you and yur dd for all the rest? I am just wondering what is the advantage to requesting TPR over Sole Custody?

Again not questioning your decision but since TPR is new to me and an option I did not know of I am interested.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

For clarity I do not know much about TPR but in my experience the initial steps and filing to be able to do service by publication are quite extensive and while hard does not accurately describe it I was trying to convey to Theia that requesting Service By Publication truly a process and not one that happens overnight based on my experience.

I am thankful to see your comments on TPR because it is something I had never really considered. I thought (based only on this MDC forum) that TPR was mostly used with abuse, if a parent was in prison, or if a new marriage takes place and they want to have an adoption etc. so this is very new to me. Truly I am not judging, but am curious so please know my questions are true curiosity........ What are the advantages and disadvantages (both to the parents a to the child) to having TPR? Why request TPR over Sole Legal and Physical?

I had a total of 3 court dates if I remember right, I had no problem getting the order to publish and it was automatically the next step after I proved not being able to serve him despite multiple attempts. For me it was an over night thing, the judge ordered it, I wrote up the orders, he signed them then it was off to the newspaper to publish.

There are many grounds to do a TPR, sole legal and physical can be challenged at any time and I personally did not want to risk this guy coming in and trying to take away my child. How many times has a new gf/wife come into the picture and gotten a wild hair and made him go after custody if nothing more then to get out of paying child support. TPR was the only way I could make sure our family was protected and if I were to die the court would automatically send dd to live with him, a man she's never even met rather then who I chose. I wanted nothing to do with this man and he wanted nothing to do with us, win win for both sides. He gets rid of us and were protected. Downside is at this point dd is growing up without a father but thats more my fault for choosing not to marry despite a number of proposals (dd was REALLY pushing me to marry the last 2 guys I dated) an it precludes any chances of futures orders for child support. I was ok with that, I was very very shocked when we started getting it after the TPR. There are a few states though that will continue a c/s order after a TPR is done though, ours is not one and they were just collecting back pay. As soon as the back pay was done the case was closed. When dd is of age if she wants to find her father I will help her (I trace him down about once a year to help her in this so its not a cold trail for her) but until then I do not want him in our lives, he had serious problems and its not something I want my dd dealing with.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by Satori

There are many grounds to do a TPR, sole legal and physical can be challenged at any time and I personally did not want to risk this guy coming in and trying to take away my child. How many times has a new gf/wife come into the picture and gotten a wild hair and made him go after custody if nothing more then to get out of paying child support. TPR was the only way I could make sure our family was protected and if I were to die the court would automatically send dd to live with him, a man she's never even met rather then who I chose.

Those reasons too. If something happened to me he would isolate her from my family. I know it might sound hypocritical since she is being isolated from her fathers family right now. But her fathers family never wanted anything to do with her, not one single baby gift, congratulations, how is she, she is so beautiful, etc. And I tried several times to reach out to them and invite them into her life. If she were to be taken from my family (who has always loved her, and she knows them) she would be a second class family member because she is biracial. They didn't approve of me because of my race, so I can't imagine they've changed. For me it's all about providing the ultimate in protection because I think our situation warrants it. That the courts will feel the same way.

eta: As I said at the beginning of this thread, he hasn't made attempts to be a part of her life since leaving either.

[LoveOhm]

bumping so I can add questions later....

[HappyTomato]

Thanks for this thread. I've been looking for info like this. I have a question - how long does one need to wait from the time of last contact between the child and the father before pursuing TPR?

[Satori]

Originally Posted by HappyTomato

Thanks for this thread. I've been looking for info like this. I have a question - how long does one need to wait from the time of last contact between the child and the father before pursuing TPR?

Depends on what grounds your filing under and it varies by state, some its 6 months, others 1 year. I'm thinking for CA it was 1 year but considering dd was 4 and had never met him it wasn't a really important point.

[Theia]

HappyTomato - In my state it is six months without reasonable efforts at contact or maintaining a relationship. Try googling "termination parental rights <state name>". It took me some digging on the net to find something that fit my situation. Depending on how I am advised legally, I am over or just under a year for that. I haven't started this process yet. I'm working on getting my income above the limits for state assistance. And if I can't get that at this point, I'll go ahead with it anyway. I should know one way or another within a few months time. I just felt like if I can have one less reason for them to deny the TPR I'd rather wait a few months than potentially have to do it twice due to my changing circumstances.

I know that many courts see TPR's as a way of a vindictive parent attempting to keep the other parent out of the childs life. So if you choose to follow through on seeking a TPR, I suggest having some kind of documentation that will show the courts otherwise. I personally feel that TPR's should only be granted in extreme cases, those of abuse, neglect, repeated threats to harm, severe drug/alcohol addictions that are untreated, or down right abandonment. I'm not sure what your particular circumstances are, but I've been advised that the courts will most likely expect me to provide documentation from professionals (domestic violence shelters I've used services from, my PTSD counselor for examples in my case) that will back up what I'm saying.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by Theia

HappyTomato - In my state it is six months without reasonable efforts at contact or maintaining a relationship. Try googling "termination parental rights <state name>". It took me some digging on the net to find something that fit my situation. Depending on how I am advised legally, I am over or just under a year for that. I haven't started this process yet. I'm working on getting my income above the limits for state assistance. And if I can't get that at this point, I'll go ahead with it anyway. I should know one way or another within a few months time. I just felt like if I can have one less reason for them to deny the TPR I'd rather wait a few months than potentially have to do it twice due to my changing circumstances.

I know that many courts see TPR's as a way of a vindictive parent attempting to keep the other parent out of the childs life. So if you choose to follow through on seeking a TPR, I suggest having some kind of documentation that will show the courts otherwise. I personally feel that TPR's should only be granted in extreme cases, those of abuse, neglect, repeated threats to harm, severe drug/alcohol addictions that are untreated, or down right abandonment. I'm not sure what your particular circumstances are, but I've been advised that the courts will most likely expect me to provide documentation from professionals (domestic violence shelters I've used services from, my PTSD counselor for examples in my case) that will back up what I'm saying.

They did require proof when I went though it but my ex made it pretty easy for me, he ignored any and all attempts to contact him. They used both the info I provided and what they got though state and federal databases for contact info. He repeatedly ignored both letters and phone calls from them too and his address history showed a pattern of evasion. Funny, that pattern stopped after the TPR was granted (ridiculously frequent moves and switching between physical addresses and PO box to hide a physical address.) Any way the court did assign an investigator to make sure I wasn't just hiding dd or being a vindictive ex so its not just your word saying that.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i have a similar situation. my ex has not contacted my dd in years. not a card or a call. nothing. i also hear nothing from his family. ironically, they were at my baby shower and fully present as long as he and i were together.

i have flirted with the idea of a TPR, but it is hard to get here and there are some other emotions (mainly bitterness ) that i have wrapped up in the situation that will not allow me to look into it any further. i may have to examine those further.

i say all of that to say thank you for sharing this. it may propell me to give this more serious consideration.

[Theia]

Bad Mama Jama -