Wave of grief...just coming for support

[La Sombra]

Tonight I am having a REALLY intense feeling of grief, I think the most I've felt perhaps since STBX and I separated months ago. I actually sobbed tonight and I haven't cried like that once before.

I don't really have more to say. I ended our marriage and I hurt him so bad. Tonight I feel sick over how I hurt him, and so deeply and incredibly regretful and wishing more than anything that I could take back how I ended things (if not the fact THAT I ended things). I can't be there for him in his pain and right now, in this moment, I feel so so sick with grief that I can't imagine how to get through it, although I know I will; I have to.

I just wanted to say that. Sometimes even when the decision was yours, the sense of grief and sadness and loss is unbearable. Tonight I'm really dealing with a lot of those feelings. I thank you for reading this.

[Theia]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I will pray that you find comfort.

[csekywithlove]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down... Keep your head up kiddo.

[Ceinwen]

Oh mama. Sending lots of love and light your way.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

Sometimes even when the decision was yours, the sense of grief and sadness and loss is unbearable.

this is very true. i also related to what you said about regretting how you ended it, even though it needed to happen. yes, maybe there could have been a gentler way, but we learn through experience and you had no way to know ahead of time. it had to be done, and you did it in the way that you were able. even if you had done it a "better" way, it still would have hurt (him & you).

i got married when i was 20 and ended it when i was 21, in a way that appeared to others to be completely on a whim, out of nowhere. it hurt a lot of people (not just me & xh, but our families and friends). even though i didn't regret my decision, sometimes the process of coming to terms with the pain i had caused was all-consuming.

it will get better.

[meemee]

s mama. cry your eyes out but dont feel guilty. or try not to. ex and i were in this situation but he was the one asking out. yes i could see his pain too.

however it had to be done and honestly there is no easier or gentler way to do it. it would hurt no matter how you did it.

let it all out mama, let it all flow out. feel the very depth of your pain.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I think it's best to let your natural grief work through. It's not fun at all---but it is something you probably need to do. I went through the same thing for a few weeks after I finally moved (6 months after the decision). I had some euphoria for actually pulling it off, and a little crying and then a couple of weeks later-- WHAM -- I had the sobbing, horrible, crying-in-the-bathroom-at-work grief for long enough that it was starting to worry me. And then, it was done and I could breath again. Now I have little snips of it, but I let myself grieve.

It's awful and hard and maybe if you can go see a counselor to help you through this tough bit? Most insurances cover for depression. Journaling helped me a lot.

Hope you feel better soon! This is a great loss, even if it was your decision. And you're allowed to grieve.

[MsChatsAlot]

Grief is part of the journey, even if you are the one who makes the decision.

Be gentle with yourself. There is a reason, bigger than either of you can see as to why it played out the way it did. There is great learning there for both of you, so accept that it is this way for some purpose.

I'm wishing you peace and comfort.