Will your 3-4 year old willingly go to a class the first time without you?

[marimara]

I'm curious to see where dd is on the spectrum of clinginess vs. outgoingness. My dd is 3.5 and will not ever go to a class or something for the first time without me. Oftentimes I have to go with her at least 2-3 times before she feels comfortable enough with the teachers/students to stay by herself. I mean things like ballet, arts classes, music, etc. She has always been very attached to me, I carried her everywhere until she was like 2 yo. I don't have a problem with it myself but it seems that sometimes the teachers and other parents look at me like I am too "soft" with her about this. By that, I mean that I don't MAKE her stay if she doesn't want to, and I will hold her and talk to her gently and stuff like that. As opposed to just walking out and saying "I'll be back later!!!". Just wondering what my expectations should be for her at 3.5 yo.

Thanks!!

[hopefulfaith]

Nope.

The thought is making me laugh - I'm not being snarky, but when I think about dropping my daughter off at age 3 (she's 3y4m), it just makes me...giggle. She's nowhere near being able to be ready to be that independent.

My son wasn't, either, FWIW, when he was 3. Now that he's 4.5, he is.
But at three? No way.

You aren't being soft, IMO. You just know how your particular child will react. I have known kids who would have been fine at 3, but they sure weren't mine.

[woodchick]

My DD1 (4 in May) absolutely would start a new class/storytime/etc without me. In fact, she'd be pushing me out the door as soon as we arrived! She has always been comfortable around other people/strangers.

It's just how she is. If your daughter was in DD1's class and you hung around, I wouldn't think much of it- all kids warm up at different speeds.

[velochic]

It really depends on the kid and their personality. No two kids will likely be alike.

My dd started school (language immersion school, daily, all-day) at 3.5 yo. She was still nursing a couple times a day, co-sleeping (still does at 8yo even), and pretty much wanted me in the room with her wherever she was when at home. However, the first day she went to school was just to visit the teacher and she cried that she couldn't stay. She went to school the next day and had NO problems staying.

At home she was, and still is, just as clingy. She wants to sit on my lap when she's around me. We like to snuggle together. She's a VERY attached child. But that attachment made her very confident to separate from me, knowing that I would soon return to get her. For us, it wasn't a problem at all. We've always had a strong attachment and her personality is just that she is confident to be away from me because we have a very solid trust of each other.

Not every kid is that way, but in our case, with a VERY VERY clingy kid, separation for school was not a problem ever. Attached at home, and confident to be away is how I would characterize it.

[lyterae]

DD goes to daycare and has for 1.5 years now. Drop off there goes fine.. Sunday school classes,etc.. She won't go by herself, even after being at the same church since she was born she won't go to class by herself.

[LuxPerpetua]

My dd is a little over 4 and will not go to classes without me--which is one reason we don't do any preschooler-type classes. She's been to the nursery at our church three times in the last 6 months but didn't want to go back (she was fine while she was there but she said afterwards she wanted to be with us instead). Actually, sometimes she won't even go to grandma's house without me--and she and grandma are VERY close. So, yes, it's a personality issue, I think. I was always the same way. Even as a teenager I didn't want to go places where my parents were not--we were always very attached.

[verde]

My DD would because she is a very social, out-going little girl. On the other hand, I was very shy at that age and would have been a nervous wreck. It's all dependent on the individual personality.

[AllisonR]

Oh my, my 3yo would NOT go to a first class by herself. And I think she is quite independent!

I think it is odd parents and teachers would think strangely of this. Here, it would be assumed a parent would stay as long as needed if their child was uncomfortable.

[SunshineJ]

DD would probably have hung around me for about 15 seconds to get the lay of the land then been off like a shot. Then you have DS. The older and more cautious of the two, the idea of him entering a new class without one of us at that age is truely laughable. We started him at gymnastics at that age. The first 2 classes we stood at the window, me holding him, and watched what went on during classtime. About halfway through class 3 he decided the environment was safe and that he was ok with how things worked, and had me walk him to a specific teacher he had identified as "safe". From that point on, however, he owned the place and never looked back!

I was horribly shy as a child. To try to fix it, my mom pushed me into new situations. I'm assuming the idea was if I did it enough I'd see it wasn't scary and would no longer be so shy and afraid. Her heart was in the right place, but yeah, that didn't work. Remembering this with DS, we took a different approach and tried the method of letting him know we were there and giving him all the time he needed to be secure. While we would encourage him to participate, we always gave him the time he needed. With every new experience, he seemed to get a little better. This year he started a brand new school for first grade, in a state we had only been living in for 2 weeks. He met the teacher the night before at the meet and greet, but he knew NO ONE. Yes, he was a little hesitant, and yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw the beginnings of a couple of tears that never fell, but I was SO proud of him. He held his head high and walked in on his own. So for our child, our approach seemed to have worked wonderfully.

[Alyantavid]

No. I wouldn't anyways, but my ds would never stay and participate if I wasn't at least in the room.

[Red Pajama]

At three, one of my boys would but the other really had a hard time with it, even with places they were familiar. At four, no problem, even for one time classes at the children's museum. At 5, they can't get away from me fast enough, but they're always excited to see me when I return.

[MJB]

My second, definitely would run in without looking back, at 3 or now at 4. He had a rough time with preschool drop-off the first couple days but he started school early at 2.5. My oldest was a little more clingy at 3 (but would let me leave after a couple minutes) but by 4, would go on in with a quick hug and a "bye!"

[SweetPotato]

It's funny how fast kids change, and how different they all are My dd was similar to your at 3.5-- actually even more so as she wouldn't let me leave even after several meetings together. Now she's 4y4mo and had me go in to her new class for about 20 minutes the first time, but is now fine as long as I promise to wait in the hallway (no drop and shop for me-- so I get to read for 1.5 hour once a week- it's rather pleasant) We still don't do gym childcare because she just isn't comfortable there without me. I've been told to just leave her as well, but I feel like her trust in me is more important than the convenience factor of being able to just drop her off with strangers (not saying that folks who use these things and whose kids are comfortable with it are bad-- just that my kid isn't comfortable and I feel good about respecting her discomfort and helping her ease over it)

[marimara]

Alright, thanks guys! I realize that dd is very much normal. Yeah, to the person who said it's weird that people expect me to leave her. I completely agree, but it's the norm around here . I had people telling me to leave and drop her off at 6 months at Mom's morning out and just drop her and leave, the faster the better if she was crying. I did it ONCE and it broke my heart, so I never went back. She's my first child and I was new in town back then and I just didn't know what to do, so at first I listened to all my new mommy friends, then I ended up just following my intuition. I live in a very mainstream place, at 99% of the preschools around here you are NOT allowed to stay, even if your kid is crying. I finally found an enrichment center (1x a week) that allows parents to stay and we love it there. It's just hard trying to get her signed up for other things now like gymnastics, ballet, etc. because now that she's 3 there's no more parent-child interactive classes in her age group anymore.

[Peony]

DD1 is my shy/anxious child and thought for sure she would not separate for a class. I didn't sign her up for anything until she was 3y9m when she begged and begged for a dance class, and then she skipped off and told me to leave. I couldn't believe it. Now DD2 is reserved around strangers but generally much less shy then DD1 was and certainly doesn't have anxiety issues, or at least not yet, but she will not go to a class without me going for a few times with her.

[Mirzam]

Mine are now much older, but yes they probably would have done. I think the youngest mine went to a class/camp was 4.5 ish. I remember my DS going off to a morning sport camp at that age without issue, and he was/is my shy (but not anxious) kid, and DD waved me off happily on her first day of preschool at just turned 3. I think she took her first classes at around five and I never had to stay with her on the first day.

[cattmom]

Marimara, my child is like yours, and just a little bit older, so this story might interest you. Last summer I pulled her out of the swimming pool because going into the "age appropriate" 3-6yo class with a teacher and three other kids simply terrified her. I was mad at the parks district for setting the cutoff for parent-child classes at 36 months - you could literally look into every corner of the shallow pool and see crying three-year-olds too frightened to do anything but sit on the steps (as well as other kids who were out in the water doing the things the teacher wanted them too). After talking to parks district, it turned out that we could get a waiver to go back into the parent-child swimming class... and there were more than a few kids her age in there.

But here's the thing - she really wanted to learn to ice skate - a lot - and I couldn't take her, because I can't skate. So she asked for lessons. The first time I enrolled her in a session last spring, she tried to go out there but was just too frightened of her teacher. After a few minutes, a very child friendly and sympathetic teacher at the rink gave her a private lesson, which got her up on her feet at least. She skated holding her dad's hand all summer. About four months later, in the fall, she asked for lessons again, and I enrolled her in another session. At the first class, I told her that she didn't have to go, but if she did, I would give her a chocolate bar (for what it's worth, I don't remember ever bribing her before, and sweets are part of her life - not forbidden fruit).

She went out there, cried for about two minutes, then skated and had a ball. Since then, she's been to a dozen lessons, with zero tears or fears. She always looks to see if I'm there watching her, but she is as confident as she can be, and she loves it. She asked for another treat at the second lesson, but she didn't get one - it was a one-time only thing. Generally, after her lesson, she will skate at least one time around the public sesson oval ALL BY HERSELF, after the other kids have gone off the ice. She is still three - just a more mature three.

So, at the end of this long story I guess I just wanted to say three things:

1) whoever thinks all kids are ready for separate classes as soon as they turn three probably doesn't understand the variations both in kid's personalities and in this stage of development;
2) whoever is offering classes might be willing to waive the age limit, as long as your daughter is not too far over it,
and
3) if the activity is something your daughter really really really wants to do, a one-time bribe might give her the little extra push to get over the hurdle. I know that philosophically some people will want to batter and fry me for that, but to me, it was worth it. She loves to skate, and she can.

[meemee]

my dd is super social and extremely independent.

but for the first time even now at 7 she is a little hesitant. and i am glad about that. makes sense. she doesnt know the situation. she wouldnt want to be alone there.

i mean even me. i hate going into new situations all by myself and would prefer a friend along until i am familiar the first time.

after the first time though she pushes me out the door. also it says about the group too. for instance i was church hunting when dd was 3 - 4. she refused to go to any of the other sunday school classes. the one where we stayed she asked me to stay the first day and never again. that was the only sunday school place she wanted to go. so we both chose the same place independent of each other.

so its not just an age thing, its also a personality thing.

[Lula's Mom]

My 5 year old won't. No way, no how.

[lisalulu]

DS1 was 3y6mo when he started preschool and he was fine with me leaving. He was the same way with the nursery at church-also around 3. Interestingly, I've noticed that recently he's a little more concerned about be dropped off (in a new/strange place). He's actually quite anxious about starting K in the fall.