Basically a vent: Very disappointed with my 7 yrs old

[VroomieMama]

Ok. I'm really upset with my 7 yrs old! She have improved A LOT this past year comparing to last year and 2 years ago.

Yesterday when she came home from school and I saw that she got red on her behavior chart for misbehaving at the bus stop at our home. I asked her what happened and she said that she dropped a bottle of glass. I knew there was more to the story than what she told me but I decided that I would talk to her teacher about it.

This morning, I emailed her teacher and asked her what happened at the bus stop. Just few minutes ago, school's assistant principal called me and told me that my daughter had been throwing glass bottles and threw one at the bus. She is suspended from riding bus for 5 days. I was really shocked that she would do something like this and she knew better than that because of the danger of doing something like this but she did it anyway.


I'm really upset and I feel that a serious consequence is needed to teach her a lesson but I have no idea what consequence to give her. I feel like telling her that she has no access to play with her toys, DS, and no TV or computer but it seems too extreme and that it will not teach her a lesson.

What would you do if you were in my situation and what consequence would you give your child?

Thanks in advance,

[Trinitty]

What about taking a broom and dust pan with heavy gloves and getting her to sweep up broken glass from the sidewalk, road, etc? All the while talking with her about how dangerous broken glass can be, that the bus window could have been broken, etc?

Trin.

[just_lily]

How far away is the school? Can she walk? That would be a natural consequence of getting kicked off the bus.

If you have to drive her, I would try to make it as unpleasant as possible within the limits of safety. Maybe she has to get up early to help you with morning chores because you won't have as much time to get them done yourself. Could she safely wait for you after school, instead of you being there right away? (This won't work at all schools and in all areas, I realize.) Can you run some really boring errands with her after you pick her up? And then more chores in the evening that you didn't have time to do because you had to pick her up.

I think throwing a bottle at a bus was a really poor choice, but not super awful behaviour in and of itself. I think you have a good learning opportunity here.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by Trinitty

What about taking a broom and dust pan with heavy gloves and getting her to sweep up broken glass from the sidewalk, road, etc? All the while talking with her about how dangerous broken glass can be, that the bus window could have been broken, etc?

Trin.

That's a good idea & thank you.

[VroomieMama]

How far away is the school? Can she walk? That would be a natural consequence of getting kicked off the bus.

Her school is not that far if we walked together.. probably 1/2 mile but I feel it is unsafe for her to walk by herself. There are several registered sex predators in her path if she walked to school alone.

If you have to drive her, I would try to make it as unpleasant as possible within the limits of safety. Maybe she has to get up early to help you with morning chores because you won't have as much time to get them done yourself. Could she safely wait for you after school, instead of you being there right away?

Yes she can.

(This won't work at all schools and in all areas, I realize.) Can you run some really boring errands with her after you pick her up? And then more chores in the evening that you didn't have time to do because you had to pick her up.

That's really good idea.

I think throwing a bottle at a bus was a really poor choice, but not super awful behaviour in and of itself. I think you have a good learning opportunity here.

To me, it is an awful behavior because it is really dangerous. She could have caused vehicle accidents, injured herself or others.

Thank you for your inputs.

[CarrieMF]

Her school is not that far if we walked together.. probably 1/2 mile but I feel it is unsafe for her to walk by herself. There are several registered sex predators in her path if she walked to school alone.

Then I'd make her walk to school with you. Leave earlier than she would have to in order to catch the bus(walk slowly if you have to,lol) Of course this could backfire & she could enjoy walking to school.

I'd talk to the bus driver and see if there are any bus chores she could do for them.

[LynnS6]

I think you've got some great ideas here. I would definitely have her involved in cleaning up any debris that's remaining. I also would have her help 'pay back' the time that it's going to take for me to get her to school.

The other thing that I'd do, if at all possible, is that when she's allowed back on the bus, she's supervised at the bus stop for a bit. She's lost the privilege of going to/from the bus stop by herself. And yes, she'd have to make it up to the whole family if you've got younger kids that have to come with you.

Originally Posted by VroomieMama

To me, it is an awful behavior because it is really dangerous. She could have caused vehicle accidents, injured herself or others.

Yes, it's really dangerous, but I'm not entirely sure that a 7 year old can really think that far ahead. It might well have been an experiment of sorts -- "what will happen if that big bus hits this glass bottle?" The next step "there will be glass everyone and someone might get hurt from broken/flying glass" might not have occurred to her.

[number572]

Kids frontal lobes are not quite fully "on". From what I understand, their frontal lobes (consequences, etc) are not developed and connected completely until after teenage years.

I have a horrible memory so you'll have to look up facts if you want facts but I thought this finding was incredibly interesting and hopefully I will keep it in mind when I encounter those "WhaT were you THINKING?!" moments with kids.

[zeldamomma]

I think before I really piled on the punishments, I would talk to her about it. It's entirely possible that she realized the second the bottle hit the bus that she'd made a terrible mistake, and you don't need to hammer that home.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I think before I really piled on the punishments, I would talk to her about it. It's entirely possible that she realized the second the bottle hit the bus that she'd made a terrible mistake, and you don't need to hammer that home.

Seriously?

[SunshineJ]

I'd call the bus barn and see what she can do to make up for the mess she caused - as in do they have any chores for her to do under your supervision. She didn't do anything to you, she did it to the bus company, so I think that's where she should be making amends. I would also strongly encourage her to write and apology to the bus driver and to whomever had to clean up the glass (school janitor if on the premesis, etc.).

ETA: Where did she get glass bottles at anyway? Those aren't that common any more since soda is now in cans and plastic.

[One_Girl]

I think that she should lose the privilege of being at the bus stop alone. I also think she needs to reimburse you for gas if she gets an allowance and write an apology note to the bus driver and any children who were sitting in seats by the window she hit with the bottle. That must have been very scary for the driver to hear something crash into the window and know that if it broke a child could be hurt.

[meemee]

the first thing i would do is talk to her and find out what she was thinking.

was this an experiment?

why did she do it? did she not realise it could be dangerous?

was she frustrated or angry and taking it out on bottles.

the school has been pretty strict with her. i would not further punish her, because really that would not solve anything. instead i would try more to understand how her mind works.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by Trinitty

What about taking a broom and dust pan with heavy gloves and getting her to sweep up broken glass from the sidewalk, road, etc? All the while talking with her about how dangerous broken glass can be, that the bus window could have been broken, etc?

Trin.

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

Then I'd make her walk to school with you. Leave earlier than she would have to in order to catch the bus(walk slowly if you have to,lol) Of course this could backfire & she could enjoy walking to school.

I'd talk to the bus driver and see if there are any bus chores she could do for them.

i think both of these ideas are great- even more so the bold! i really think something more needs to be done. i would have LOVED 5 days off of school- those 5 days should be put to good use!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by lovebug

i think both of these ideas are great- even more so the bold! i really think something more needs to be done. i would have LOVED 5 days off of school- those 5 days should be put to good use!

To clarify: She doesn't get 5 days off of school, as far as I know. She's been banned from the school bus for 5 days, so mom has to get her there.

[lucysmom]

I second or third the comments about just talking to her. I'm not sure where people get the idea that this is so ineffective that punishments must be used. If you have a kid who will not listen to you, I guess that's possibly a different situation, but the OP doesn't say that's their situation.

The child is 7, and what's happened already is probably pretty mortifying. Without some evidence that she is cavalier about what she did and would do it again, I don't see the need to do more than sit down for a serious talk and explain both what can happen to others if you throw glass, and what the (publicly-imposed) consequences could be for her; and emphasizing what I presume is OP's rule never to throw anything at any person or animal, period, including people in vehicles.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

Seriously?

Yes. Piling on punishments if she's already mortified at her own actions won't make her learn the lesson better, it will only damage your relationship so she cares less about your opinion the next time she screws up. She's already being punished by the school, and it's a pretty severe punishment, IMO.

If she really doesn't understand why what she did was wrong, it suggests that she isn't mature enough to be at the bus stop unsupervised, and that needs to be addressed separately from any issue of punishment, because the supervision may need to go on substantially longer than any reasonable punishment for this age.

Another reason to talk: we know what she did, but we don't know why, and without knowing why, it's hard to help her learn how to keep it from happening again. If the issue was that she lost her temper, then you can talk about better ways to handle that. If she just thought it seemed like a fun idea, you can talk about how to evaluate ideas before acting on them (i.e. stop and think about what bad things could happen, not just what you hope will happen...) With more information, we're just guessing.

ZM

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by lucysmom

I second or third the comments about just talking to her. I'm not sure where people get the idea that this is so ineffective that punishments must be used. If you have a kid who will not listen to you, I guess that's possibly a different situation, but the OP doesn't say that's their situation.

The child is 7, and what's happened already is probably pretty mortifying. Without some evidence that she is cavalier about what she did and would do it again, I don't see the need to do more than sit down for a serious talk and explain both what can happen to others if you throw glass, and what the (publicly-imposed) consequences could be for her; and emphasizing what I presume is OP's rule never to throw anything at any person or animal, period, including people in vehicles.

I would love to know how the "just talking no consequences ever" method works in the long run. Because what I see in the families I know who employ this method is a bunch of kids who think the rules don't apply to them. Sure, it sounds good when your kid is little and within your family but if an older person breaks the rules there are consequences - fines, possibly jail time. That is real life. Teaching your child that there are no consequences to their actions is just completely unrealistic.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

To clarify: She doesn't get 5 days off of school, as far as I know. She's been banned from the school bus for 5 days, so mom has to get her there.

oh i see... i must have miss read

[Conifer]

How is your child reacting to the incident? My son has made some really poor choices at 7...just not thinking about the outcome. This was dangerous and needs a consequence so that it is understood, but let's not get too carried away! I mean...was this malicious? Was she trying to hurt someone? It doesn't sound that way to me. It just sounds like she wasn't thinking ahead. At 7 I would say that happens sometimes. Talk about it. Make a reasonable consequence and move on. If you go overboard she will probably tune you out. I wouldn't set 5 different punishments for 1 incident.