I need behavior help with ds and some ways for me to not lose my cool

[~cassie~]

I don't know what to do anymore. Aidan, my sn boy is a handful. Extremely strong willed, wants his way or he will have the biggest tantrum. I give him as much power as I can, but there are just some things he cannot do. I'm consistent--no mixed messages--he's not allowed to climb all over the counters one day and then not the next. The rules are the rules and I try to be firm in them. But whenever he doesn't get his way---he pulls things off counters, he will pull the oven door open, he will throw, he will try to hit/kick, he's been biting(but I think that's more from teething), he will scream and yell at the top of his lungs(very shrill) which now my 18 mth old is doing it as well and he is even more high pitched!), he just doesn't seem to have very good coping strategies when he is frusturated/angry and I just do not know what to do anymore.

Lately I've been putting him in his room for acting out in anger if he hurts someone or if he screams but I'm not sure if this is working or not as we JUST started it like yesterday. He does have a severe language delay(about 10-12 mth behind) but I make sure to say things that he can understand, i give value to his feelings, etc but nothing seems to be working. Oh and we have done 1, 2, 3 Magic which did work really really well for a few months, but doesn't seem to anymore. Maybe I overused it, though and it lost it's effectiveness.

I hope someone has some suggestions, I'm lost and frusturated and I've been reaching my breaking point most days, which makes the behaviors worse. Heck, I could even use some strategies to help me keep my calm throughout the day so I can avoid getting to that breaking point.

[Kailey's mom]

Just hugs. I wish I had advice, my dd's tempermant is similar. I do hold her in my lap when she gets destructive, or starts hurting herself or others, some say that is physical restraint, and view it as child abuse.... I view it as protecting my kid.. anyway it does help short term *subbing*

[~cassie~]

Sometimes I will do that as well--just hold him super tight, restraining his legs so he can't kick me and holding him really close so he can't head butt me. I remember reading a long while back that it could get kids to calm down quicker, and sometimes it helps, sometimes not.

[dutchgal]

May I suggest a book called "Honey I Wrecked the Kids."?? It's made a ton of difference for me and how my days with DD go. It's Adlerian, it gives a ton of strategies for any given situation, and it gives various reasons and possible causes for the behavior you're dealing with. I was at the end of my rope, and this totally gave me back my parenting Mojo and more importantly, it gave me my kid back.

The premise of the book is that kids need to feel connected, courageous, like they count, and capable. It really, really works. Big hugs mama!

[~cassie~]

Thanks for the book suggestion. I will see if our library has it and if not, I'll check with my sister, she has a plethora of those kinds of books that she used to help deal with her Bipolar son, so she may have it. If not, I'll be heading to Amazon

[khaoskat]

Cassie:

I can almost write you post, but not the violent part, as ours has settled down.

Our Ped put a lot of emphasis on his lack of ability to communicate effectively his needs/wants/desires/feelings/etc as what was causing/is causing the behavior problems.

Giving him some down town I think it just fine. When he gets out of control, just explain to him that you love him, but that maybe he just needs to go to his room for a few minutes so that he can calm down.

Our DS2 (Aidan also) was 27 months functioning on the level of a 8-14 month old.

We still have issues, but they are getting so much better than they used to be. We still have phases, and he is very hard to discipline because he is so strong willed. I am beginning to wonder if the strong willed is because of the name of the speech now though, because I know a lot of strong willed kids named Aidan.

[whenrainhurts]

have you tried reward systems?

Your situation sounds familiar, unfortunately! I don't know how old your son is, but I have tried various reward/token/chart systems for my son, that have helped over the years.

A cotton jar - catch him being good and let him put a cotton ball in a see thru canister when you do - when it gets full, take him for a $5 reward at target or something . . . whatever his currency is - maybe its a dinner out

I'll pick one or two things I want improved (no more), put them on a chart and he earns stars for following those rules (ie, "I will use a polite voice" or "I will use my words when I feel angry"). If he earns a certain number of stars, give him a reward: we make TV time or Wii time contingent on earning stars

Since he is language delayed - and so much behavior derives from frustration due to this - give him a more appropriate outlet for his frustration - a punching bag, a bean bag chair, etc.

Hope some of these ideas help - let me know. Best- Mary

[~cassie~]

Our library just got a copy in stock of "honey I wrecked the kids" so I am going to pick it up as soon as I get the kids down for their naps and can leave. We've actually been having many good days since this post--I've been giving him the control he wants/craves--enough to satisfy him but not so much that I feel like he is running the house. But the past 3 days have gotten worse again.

[linclane]

I just started reading "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children," by Ross Greene. I don't know if it would be a good "fit" for your situation, but so far it's been really helpful for us, and dealing with a challenging child.

Hugs and good luck!!

[~cassie~]

I don't recall seeing that one there, but when I finish the ones I get, I'll look for it. I did find "The Challenging Child" and we will see what we can do between the two I got.