Help me think this through

[confustication]

Currently, I'm a WAHM and a WOHM- about 50% each. I have a 5 month old, a 19 month old, and an 8 year old.

I work as a journalist, as well as basic all-aroundist at a local paper, and I also freelance. The pay is dismal. Making a change means giving up being able to work from home, and means adding in two hours commuting each day.

While we are getting by with the way things are, we're not comfortable, and it's very paycheck to paycheck. I really don't want to return to all week away from my kids, but I'm feeling that I need to. DS 2 still nurses many times throughout the day- though he does largely reverse cycle.

DH is a SAHD. In our family, that's not going to change right away. We are waiting for approval of his work visa, at which point we can reassess, but the reality is that I have a far greater earning potential than he does.

My 8 year old is homeschooled, and going back to work might mean sending her back to school. For a number of reasons, this isn't a goods option for her, though the possibility does exist to place her in a private classical school if we can swing it financially, and I'm commuting that way anyway- however, it would mean very long days for her.

Help, I'm incredibly torn. Any suggestions? A kick in the pants?

[staceychev]

Is there a particular reason that DH can't take over the homeschooling? I know you'll feel sad being away from the kiddos, but other than nursing your little one, is there anything Dad can't do? Can you hang in there, paycheck to paycheck, until your nursling is about a year old? I put my daughter in daycare at that age, and it didn't affect our nursing relationship at all.

How long until DH gets his visa? (Although, if DH goes to work, you'll accrue a lot of child-care expense.)

Also, is your only option an extra two hours in commuting? Are you committed to staying with journalism? Are there other opportunities, in or out of your field, that might let you have a little more time at home?

Ultimately, what is your foremost goal? Stay with the kids? Stay in journalism? Increase your pay? Once you can rank your goals, I think your decisions will be slightly easier. You might never sit back to admire the perfect life you've concocted for yourself, but at least you'll know very specifically why you made the trade-offs you made, and be at peace with them.

Good luck!

[confustication]

Those are some very clarifying questions...

Originally Posted by staceychev

Is there a particular reason that DH can't take over the homeschooling? I know you'll feel sad being away from the kiddos, but other than nursing your little one, is there anything Dad can't do? Can you hang in there, paycheck to paycheck, until your nursling is about a year old? I put my daughter in daycare at that age, and it didn't affect our nursing relationship at all.

DH is amazing at doing the homeschooling- IF- I provide an outline for him to go with. He's not good at developing that structure, or at least, he's not comfortable with it. If I put together a lesson plan for him to follow (even something simple like 'make cookies and let her measure!' he does fine. WhenI have to be at the office, this is our approach. Beyond that, he's great at providing care for the kids, though is a little less 'hands on' than I am. At the moment, I'm listening to our 19 month old giggle with him in the bedroom as they discuss changing the sheets.

DH is not as aware of child development as I am, but has all the right instincts. He's also willing to listen if I raise a concern.

How long until DH gets his visa? (Although, if DH goes to work, you'll accrue a lot of child-care expense.)

Sadly, we don't know. We're expecting at least a couple years.

Also, is your only option an extra two hours in commuting? Are you committed to staying with journalism? Are there other opportunities, in or out of your field, that might let you have a little more time at home?

I live in a tiny town (approximately 400 people.) To do anything outside of what I am doing now, I would need to commute to the nearest large town (about 8000 people). I love journalism, and I'm good at it, but to really go anywhere with it will mean a job change as our paper really is quite tiny and there's not much room for upward mobility.

Ultimately, what is your foremost goal? Stay with the kids? Stay in journalism? Increase your pay? Once you can rank your goals, I think your decisions will be slightly easier. You might never sit back to admire the perfect life you've concocted for yourself, but at least you'll know very specifically why you made the trade-offs you made, and be at peace with them.

I think this is where I'm stuck. I keep wanting this situation to work for us, and I know that if I really drive to make the freelancing work, it will within a couple years. I'm beginning to believe that the financial aspect is huge though, and I need to do the freelancing around a job that pays more than I am currently earning. I don't mind not making tons of money, but the stress of not making enough to know we can get over hurdles as they come up is taking its toll on me. I will miss the kids, but they have a loving parent at home, and they will be ok in the end.

[Ianthe]

Are you able to move closer to more work?

[confustication]

We currently live where we have only utilities and taxes to pay, and it is in the same town as my family. I could move, and certainly it is something to consider, but I'm reluctant to take on debt to buy another home, and my parents are beginning to reach the point where it's helpful for us to be nearby. Certainly though, it's a consideration, but this is the first real stable home my daughter has had since we left my ex when she was 3 (she's now 8, there were a rough couple years in there.)

I am so incredibly torn.

[mambera]

Can your DH pick up any kind of small evening or night jobs off the books until his work visa comes through?

[1jooj]

What kind of freelance work do you do? Reporting/feature articles? Is there any way you could do more of that kind of work for regional or specialty pubs? It sounds quite rural where you are. Do you have a Web site for your freelancing work? Are there opportunities to do PR for companies around you--like press releases and media relations work?

If you're a strong writer, do you know any graphic artists and designers? You can mine them for copywriting work. A lot of companies write their own brochure/Web copy and it's pretty terrible. I have a few designer friends who, when they get this kind of copy, recommend a couple hours of my time to fix it up. It makes their marketing materials look so much more professional, it doesn't cost them much more than they were going to spend anyway, and in my little world a couple hundred dollars adds to the pot pretty quickly.

It can be fun work. You learn about a lot of industries and make a lot of contacts, which can open doors for you and dh in the future.

fwiw, I was primary breadwinner for the first few years of our marriage as my dh learned English and started his own work history. I know it can be tough. But one day you'll look back together and feel immensely proud and thankful.