The morning struggles are getting terrible-vent

[laila2]

Maybe it is just due to all the rain, hopefully

I hope I do not get a lecture. I know what I do wrong. I am well educated. Sometimes I loose the patients to do right. There is sooo much that I do do right. But today I fantasized the thought of someone calling cps so someone would remove my kids just for the mornings.

But the past two days have been horrible to getting the kids out the door and ready when I want them to be. Both days have resulted in me yelling, and degrading. But I do not feel that bad about it now, because I feel allowed to lose it sometimes. I have explained to the kids that sometimes parents do not have all the patients needed. dd 6.5 seems to be getting more difficult. Maybe she is coming into the disequalibrium phase. I am haunted by something I read from a jesuit that says people are generally who they are by age 7. When I tell her to do something, it seems she has to 100000 other things before she comes back to that. And if I start getting irritated about it, she just stands there. Are others like this? She did not eat her breakfast this morning, toast and egg, so the consequence was to take out the favorite thing out of her snack pack, a protien bar, and send her with that breakfast. Then she dropped the toast on the floor of the car, I am pretty sure it was on purpose. I can usually get her to eat something at least a few bites. But today it was 1 bite.

It started bad in the morning because my 3.5 year old started hitting me resisting getting dressed, and I swatted his bottom once. That is when dd started her protest. DS and I did apologize to each other and hug.

The worst part is we got a Mallissa and Doug reward board, and it has had no effect these past two days. I felt like tossing it in the garbage this morning. Maybe it is because dh is not fully supporting me with the board. He said I have too many things on it. I do need to narrow it down. But he also needs to remember to give the smily when they do right.

Thanks for letting me vent. I had to get that out ASAP

[Wolfcat]

I understand how you feel. Even on days that I do everything right and don't lose my temper, I sometimes just wish someone would take DS away for a day or two.

I'm actually dreading Daylight Savings, cuz it's gonna screw up our rhythms with light and time... *sighs*

[hillymum]

I used to (and on occassion still do) have the same thing. I have 3 kids to get out the door to wait for the bus. I let them choose their own breakfast from a selection. If they don't eat then they will be very hungry by lunch! Our routine starts off the night before. Bed time is alway 8:30pm, done with the same routine school night.
Up at the same time. They get dressed themselves usually. I do my best not to raise my voice (other than to shout up the stairs) and am firm when needed. I use the 1,2,3 method which has worked really well for me. If i see our mornings are begining to get rough I will introduce a star chart which even my almost 11 year old likes. That focuses us all on the good things rather than the downers.
I have found that the less stress I place on the kids the better. Really simplifying the morning routine has helped a huge amount. Things like one child hates packed lunch so he has school meals. One packs his own and I pack the youngests. We get up with plenty of time to do everything and I keep the kids informed about how long they have before the bus is due. If need be I will even say they can have 5 minutes to play at some point, as long as they will then buckle down and do what needs doing after the 5 minutes is up.
I have to admit I breath a huge sigh of relief after friday morning!

[mizznicole]

I'm no expert, I get no rewards - however, your post reminded me a lot of the scenarios in "How to Talk So Kids will Listen...." It's hard to remove yourself from the emotions of the moment - I struggle with it non-stop! (BTW, that's also an Ignatian principle.) I wonder too if the consequence is that your daughter just doesn't get breakfast. Of course that's a tricky one because you don't want them fainting in class.

[journeymom]

But the past two days have been horrible to getting the kids out the door and ready when I want them to be. Both days have resulted in me yelling, and degrading. But I do not feel that bad about it now, because I feel allowed to lose it sometimes. I have explained to the kids that sometimes parents do not have all the patients needed. dd 6.5 seems to be getting more difficult. Maybe she is coming into the disequalibrium phase. I am haunted by something I read from a jesuit that says people are generally who they are by age 7. When I tell her to do something, it seems she has to 100000 other things before she comes back to that. And if I start getting irritated about it, she just stands there. Are others like this? She did not eat her breakfast this morning, toast and egg, so the consequence was to take out the favorite thing out of her snack pack, a protein bar, and send her with that breakfast. Then she dropped the toast on the floor of the car, I am pretty sure it was on purpose. I can usually get her to eat something at least a few bites. But today it was 1 bite.

It sounds like 'so the consequence was to take out the favorite thing' really means 'so then I took away her favorite thing'. You should be clear that this is is really what you did. I don't know if you're into 'natural' consequences, but this was not a natural consequence. You punished her which made a little power struggle.

BTW, I'm not against punishment in principle. But natural consequences can be much more effective.

She is at a good age to experiment. It won't kill her to simply go to school hungry. If she doesn't want breakfast you could remind her that she might get hungry and have a hard time focusing in class. Then let her go to school.

Also you might simply ask her if she likes toast and eggs. Maybe she doesn't.

Edited to add, when the kids were both preschoolers I fantasized about being in a car accident (without them in the car, naturally) that was just bad enough to require a long hospital stay for me, but with no lasting damage. :

Edited again,

I am haunted by something I read from a jesuit that says people are generally who they are by age 7.

My kids are 15 and 10 y.o. I think they are who they are right from the start, but this is revealed to us only gradually as they grow and develop and we see them interacting with the world. They are NOT blank slates. I get to take less credit and less blame for my kids than I thought. My responsibility is still huge, my effect on them is still vital and indelible. But they truly are their own people.

[pianojazzgirl]

I can empathize. Mornings can be so difficult.

I am a huge fan of maximum simplicity in the morning. When it is just me (dh is not around to help) I have dd sleep in the clothes that she will wear the next day. I serve a simple breakfast that I know she will like and eat (bowl of yogourt, bowl of cereal, toast and peanut butter, etc). (My goal in the morning is just to get something (anything!) in her tummy. I figure I have the rest of the day to worry about complete nutrition.) I have lunch packed the night before (so I can focus on the kids instead of having to put my attention elsewhere). I brush and ponytail-ify her hair while she's eating. I have all of her outdoor clothes waiting by the door, and backpack packed and ready to go.

I do have it easier than you since ds (2 yrs old) is at home with me so it's only dd that I have to get out of the door.

To the previous poster... man, I can relate about your car accident fantasy. I have often wished to get sick enough that I can spend an entire day in bed and dh will have to look after the kids and house and everything.

[mamaduck]

But today I fantasized the thought of someone calling cps so someone would remove my kids just for the mornings.

I've had all kinds of bizarre fantasies like this when I'm tired, overwhelmed and at the end of my rope. Don't worry about it! I think its normal.

I am haunted by something I read from a jesuit that says people are generally who they are by age 7. When I tell her to do something, it seems she has to 100000 other things before she comes back to that. And if I start getting irritated about it, she just stands there.

Yes -- what you describe is normal for her age. Six year olds dawdle, daydream, and set their own priorities. It is frustrating, but it is a phase. She has a lot of learning to do still -- we don't generally keep all the annoying kid habits we had when were 6 or 7, we grow and mature. Its a common trap to globablize our kid problems by expecting that our small children are going to be as irritating as adults as they are now. Whenever you start thinking in terms of, "What if she turns into a horrible teen or a horrible adult..." you need to tell yourself that sort of thinking is a trap, a trick of your mind, a lie that your own anxiety tells you ..... you need to step back and get some perspective. She's just being a kid. She won't do it forever.

I can usually get her to eat something at least a few bites. But today it was 1 bite.

Unless there is some medical issue you haven't mentioned, don't fight with your kids about food. Seriously. Put a healthy meal in front of her, that you think will appeal to her, and walk away. After a reasonable amount of time, and one or two warnings, clear up. Don't argue or cajol. She'll be fine. My rule of thumb is that if the issue relates to bodily functions, you cannot win a power struggle. So don't try. Honestly, if you can just let go of this particular issue, your mornings will go better.

The worst part is we got a Mallissa and Doug reward board, and it has had no effect these past two days. I felt like tossing it in the garbage this morning. Maybe it is because dh is not fully supporting me with the board. He said I have too many things on it. I do need to narrow it down. But he also needs to remember to give the smily when they do right.

If you want to use a behavior chart, you need to narrow your focus to one or two things. Make a list of the behaviors you want to change, and prioritize them. Start with the two most important things and put them on the chart. After those two behavior have become a habit, then stop putting them on the chart and choose the next two, and so on. The kids cannot focus on many things at once. In fact -- I would even limit the chart to one time of day. Pick two things about your morning routine, and stick to that for now. If DH won't cooperate with the chart, then limit it to areas that are solely your responsibility.

Simplification in the morning is really important. I spend about an hour each evening getting ready for the next morning, doing as much ahead of time as I possibly can. I have a very consistent routine in the morning. The kids are only expect to dress, eat, and walk out the door. There is no TV or computer time in the morning what-so-ever. Everything is by the door (coats, bags, lunches...) There were times when they were little that I even dressed them the night before, because I knew that there would be power struggles around dressing in the morning.

One more thing I've noticed -- tension does horrible things to children's behavior. The more urgently you try to hurry, the more they fall apart and act up. When you notice the tension in the atmosphere rising, its more helpful to stop everything, spend a few minutes cuddling or chatting or connecting in some way or another, and then move on. It feels like you are wasting time, but the sacrifice of a couple of minutes to lower the tension turns into time saved when you manage to bypass the arguments and the power struggles. And you are happier. And they are happier.

[HarperRose]

It sounds like mornings suck. I've been there.

I let my kids wear their next day's clothes to bed. They eat breakfast at school. They sleep until 20 minutes before the bus comes. It's enough time to wake, bathroom, brush teeth, fix hair (for dd), put on shoes, grab backpack, and .... wait another 5 minutes for the bus. If we drive them, then we get right in the car. Easier to wait those 5 minutes in the parking lot than to let them stay home another 5 minutes and bicker.

It cuts down the stress because they have only a short window of time to get things done, there's no time for wandering aimlessly, no time for watching TV or playing a game, no time for anything except the absolutely necessary.

I found that they didn't do well w/ breakfast at home because they aren't hungry yet.

Getting dd to pick her clothes was a NIGHTMARE. Ds is cold in the morning and would fight for an HOUR over getting dressed. Having them wear their clothes to bed (or dd will pick her clothes the night before) really cut down on that stress.

Tomorrow's a new day. Get some sleep, relax, and go for it again.