Being complete

[song_of_the_soule]

Hello, this is my first post under my new name (someone i do not wish to be contacted by has my old name.)

Today I have decided that my family is complete the way it is. We are not broken, we are merely different.

My husband and I have been separated for almost a year, but have maintained a relationship (that really is not working.)He is not a good father, he has many personal issues he has not worked on. I am about to give up on him and walk away. This is extra difficult as i am giving birth in June and have no other adults to lean on.

I have 4 children already, but i know i can do this. I just have to find some good people to be friends with so i am not so lonely. Loneliness is what keeps be down, and keeps my hopes up for him.

I have decided to change my last name and the last names of my children. This is going to be very difficult as "Daddy" will not agree to this. I will have to find a way. The reason i want to change their names is that he is a dishonest person who keeps losing jobs and homes, he just cannot get his life together. I do not want them lumped in with him, plus, having our own name (I have chosen one we have never had) will be a testament to our completeness as a family unit. I am tired of being viewed as broken, less than, or incomplete. We are a family, without him, and we deserve respect.

If anyone has any tips on how i can do this, i would really appreciate it. we are canadian, so we have to go by these laws.

[Hollycrand]

to you mama!

Could you look in the Finding Your Tribe section and find some other MDC mamas in your area?? I don't know what Province you are in, but check to see if there are any support services available.
I know here in Quebec they have services for in-house help for single mamas with other kids. Depending on if you are in a rural or urban setting, most large metropolitain cities/areas have support groups, playgroups, single parent groups, etc.

Good luck!!

[missmich]

You don't have to be alone in this. I really thought I was going to be very alone with my new situation,but it seems that I'll be getting more support then I thought I would,from some unlikely sources.

About the name change,first I'd check the Vital Stats website in your province for the laws. You can Google "legal name change in my province" and it should direct you to the right place if you don't have the website. In many provinces you will need to advertise your legal name change in the newspaper. Sometimes you can get away with it not doing it in the same city paper,but one in a nearby city if you don't want the x to read it. There might be something that says if you are scared of the x you don't need to do this,I'm not sure and you should really check the vital stats site for the real info on a name change.

If you don't have family and friends to help you out or be with you when you give birth or to watch your other kids while you birth,you could always check the Finding Your Tribe in your area and try to make some new mama friends who may help with this part as well as just be there for you emotionally. This is what I'm doing so that I don't have to be so alone.

I was also able to get a volunteer doula with a program they have here. I Google "volunteer doula" and got some info about them and took it from there. Make sure you ask your doctor or local health clinic what services they can offer you as a single mom or as a low income mom if you're also low income.

You could also check the local food bank,they may offer some support for single moms as well. Or your local woman's center. The one near me offers legal info,clothing,parenting classes and a lot of things that may help me later on.

I really hope you can find what you need to not feel so alone.

[song_of_the_soule]

Thank you for your suggestions. I am sorry you are going through things Miss. Life is hard, but nothing worth doing is easy, right?

I have tried to find people in my area through here for two years under my other name. I live in an isolated city, so not so many people go on here i guess. Last time i checked, only one store in the city sold "Mothering" magazine.

We do have parenting classes and such here too, i do not need them. I have a degree in a related field and a ton of experience. One of my kids is handicapped as well, so i received a lot of education when she came. i do use clothing depots and food banks, altho i really hate it. I get stuck there for like 2 hours every time.

I am very lonely and sometimes even destitute, but life is more peaceful without him in it. I know that is so sad to say because he can be soooo loving. He has mental health and addiction problems he will not own or get treatment for. I am just sick of the whole thing. He is the father of two of the children, the others do not share his genes. I work hard with the ones who are his so their environment does not aggravate their probable disposition to what he suffers from.

I think things will be fine. It is just getting over the hump, know what i mean?

[missmich]

I hope you didn't think I was saying that you needed parenting classes. I was just saying that my local woman's center offers them along with many other services. So your local woman's center may be able to offer you some of the same services mine does including some that you may really find helpful like legal services and info.

[Theia]

I don't have any suggestions for you, other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out. One moment at a time. All those wonderful cliche's huh? Best wishes to you. I think you are very strong and congratulations on completion of your family.

[song_of_the_soule]

Originally Posted by missmich

I hope you didn't think I was saying that you needed parenting classes. I was just saying that my local woman's center offers them along with many other services. So your local woman's center may be able to offer you some of the same services mine does including some that you may really find helpful like legal services and info.

Nah, did not think you were telling me i needed classes, i figured you were sharing what you have learned in your life and sharing with me. I thank you for that. It's all good.

Mine is a hard situation, up and down a lot. I am trying to iron out all the wrinkles.

Theia, thank you for the congrates. As i read it i thought about what "complete" means. I wonder if it can be easily defined. Does it mean "contentment?" " Inner peace?"

What do others think?

[missmich]

I was also wondering what the word complete really means also. I think for some women and mothers it means a husband,2 kids and a dog and a white picket fence. For others it would mean a strong single mama with a good head on her shoulders and a good support system in place. For other mamas it would mean something totally different. So,I don't think this is something that can defined easily or will have one definition that fits everyone. I'm still trying to trying to figure out what it's going to mean for me and how to get what I need to feel complete.

[monkeybum]

If you are from Ontario, there is a great online mom's group called "Momstown", and they have groups in many towns/cities big and small. Not sure if they have expanded out of Ontario yet. I have been a member since they were created many years ago and it has been an amazing way to meet other local mom's, and there is an active message board as well (not as AP, non-vaxing, natural birthing etc. as Mothering, but there are some great moms on there!).

You can also find Yahoo moms groups for various towns/cities. I think having friends for support is so important.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by song_of_the_soule

As i read it i thought about what "complete" means. I wonder if it can be easily defined. Does it mean "contentment?" " Inner peace?"

What do others think?

i think the definition for everyone is going to vary depending on what they have gone thru - their own experience.

for me 'complete me' means knowing and understanding myself.

me, myself I as meemee the person. not meemee the daughter, the exwife, the friend, the mom, the .....

i love who i have become because of the challenge single mom has thrown me.

the other day i was EXHAUSTED. had a girl scouts organisation thing that i had finished, been up whole night studying for an exam in which i didnt do that well... i was at my worst yet at school i was running for a meeting that i was late for. and one of my costudy mate i hadnt seen in a while looked at me and said wow you look soooo happy. sheesh. i havent received my check so i have no money, my fs has not come in - waiting to pay my rent.... you name it i am suffering it. and yet what she said is so true. i have been able to rise above all the stuff.

for me self discovery was the completeness i think. i mean ex is still pretty nasty to me calling me names in front of dd - even after 6 years. i shrugged my shoulders and whatever. other times i pity him for all the anger he still carries - what a waste of energy and time. anyways i am so incredibly grateful that he opened up opportunities to see how far i could go - with working with him, with working with a small budget, living simply in a small room.... my life is full. and i love it. i am so incredibly lucky for all that i am able to do.

a storm comes along. and after a while the support services move it. so for me ultimately in some form or other everything works out very well.

i certainly wouldnt have discovered all this about myself without being a single mom. i could possibly have discovered it if i became a widow at old age. but i am so grateful i was able to do it when i am younger and can do things in life. for instance the career path i am following now - i would not have been able to pursue it had i been married. today nothing is holding me back.

so in a sense singlehood to me means freedom. and i love, love, love that i get to focus and share time just with dd instead of having to take care of a partner. and i am grateful i did raising the young years of dd by myself as dd was extremely needy. now she is at the stage where she si venturing out without mommy so mommy can do things on her own without feeling guilty or missing dd.

[song_of_the_soule]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

If you are from Ontario, there is a great online mom's group called "Momstown", and they have groups in many towns/cities big and small.

I joined, but there is no mention of my city in Ontario. I live far, in the middle of a forest type thing. Oh well, thanks for the info anyway. I do agree, friends and support are so vital. I am working on that. It really is not easy for me.

I relate to almost everything Meemee said. I have been through many of the same things. I have learned a lot being a single mother. My soon to be ex partner has very high emotional needs too. He leaves me so drained I can hardly deal with the kids. My older two children i raised mostly by myself and they have turned out great, so far

Having a simple life is integral i believe as well. I have been going through the house getting rid of stuff. It is very freeing. my landlord evicted us because i cannot afford this house alone, and i am having a hell of a time finding something i can afford. I have been on an urgent housing list for 4-5 months to get geared to income housing, but nothing yet. That is so draining, but the simplifying our possessions will help when we go to move.