If you had reservations about your mother being at the birth...

[flitters]

If you had reservations about your mother being at the birth but decided she could be there, how did it go?

Back-story:

Ds is 5 and baby is due in July. We feel that it would be wise to have someone he knows and trusts at the birth for him. This is partly so he can go to a different room and play with somebody (other than dh and myself) if he doesn't want to stay right there, and partly (but perhaps more importantly) in case I need to transfer to the hospital (something I consider very unlikely given my history and that of family, but still non-zero odds).

There are a couple friends I would feel very comfortable asking, but they have their own families with small children and while I think they would love to be present (one is even trained as a doula), I'd worry that when the time came, there might be a logistical problem or something.

And then there is my mom. We are close and have a very good relationship, but I do NOT feel comfortable being vulnerable in her presence at all, and she often makes comments that drive dh nuts (understandably). However, dh and I both agree she is wonderful with ds and ds adores her. If she lived nearby, I think she would be our first choice, but for her to be at the birth, she'd need to come stay at our house for some indefinite period of time... and having her stay at our house tends to be a bit stressful.

Ds was pushing 2 weeks late (and I suspect I'll go late again) so I'd probably just tell her to be ready and then have her fly (~3 hour flight) when my mucus plug came out or I just felt close. I do think she would be respectful and give space during the birth and generally try to honor our requests, but she does have some emotional baggage surrounding birth and is hyper-modest/private. She also tends to emit judgement about things without thinking first... say, me being naked (something I am completely comfortable with and I fully expect to be naked while laboring in the tub and birthing).

Part of me would really like her to be there, but I have a lot of reservations. If it weren't for ds I would not ask her to come, but this time we are really considering it.

Any advice? Anyone experience something similar?

[Carlyle]

Follow your gut on this one. If you're worried about having her there....just don't. It sounds like it would be fine to have her in TOWN, but not staying at your house. Can she rent a place? Do you have a friend with a spare room who would be willing to let her stay there?

You need, need, need your space, and if she's going to make you feel weird before/during/after the birth for wanting to be naked, making comments that make your dh uncomfortable, etc...that's a problem. If having her stay at your house is "stressful" (in your words), then you don't want her there. Anything that is making you stressed, is going to make your labor take longer. In my humble opinion, that is

My mw ended up kicking my mom out of the room when I was in labor last time because she could tell my mom was stressing me out. I love my mom. My dh loves my mom. But she does this "I'm going to be super helpful and do everything" thing that drives me absolutely bonkers. It wasn't working to have her there. And I love her to pieces. But yeah. She came and was staying in a hotel, so outside of the birth itself, it was lovely to have her in town. This time, I want her in town, staying somewhere else, and watching my dd somewhere else. I want to call them in for the pushing (if dd wants to be there). I think for MY mom, having something else to focus on (dd), will help ease the tension between us (she'll have someone else to help, so she won't need to be "helping" me, you know?)

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by flitters

There are a couple friends I would feel very comfortable asking, but they have their own families with small children and while I think they would love to be present (one is even trained as a doula), I'd worry that when the time came, there might be a logistical problem or something.

Maybe you could have one who is planning to be there and another one as a back up? Would that make you less worried about a logistical problem?

[flitters]

Originally Posted by Carlyle

It sounds like it would be fine to have her in TOWN, but not staying at your house.

I *wish* this was an option. She has made it very clear before that she would be very hurt if we asked her to stay somewhere else on a visit. I'm not sure if there is any way I could possibly frame this, given the circumstances, where it would be taken well. Unless I come up with a very good idea (unlikely) on how to make that work, it would be better not to inviter her at all than to invite her with the condition that she stay somewhere else.

Anything that is making you stressed, is going to make your labor take longer. In my humble opinion, that is

I think you are right. And my first labor was anything but fast (although once my body started pushing ds was out like a rocket - 15 minutes tops after like 40 hours in labor).

My mw ended up kicking my mom out of the room when I was in labor last time because she could tell my mom was stressing me out. I love my mom. My dh loves my mom. But she does this "I'm going to be super helpful and do everything" thing that drives me absolutely bonkers. It wasn't working to have her there. And I love her to pieces. But yeah. She came and was staying in a hotel, so outside of the birth itself, it was lovely to have her in town. This time, I want her in town, staying somewhere else, and watching my dd somewhere else. I want to call them in for the pushing (if dd wants to be there). I think for MY mom, having something else to focus on (dd), will help ease the tension between us (she'll have someone else to help, so she won't need to be "helping" me, you know?)

Wow, interesting. Thanks for sharing this. It's neat that you have a plan that sounds like such a good fit for you this time.

As I think about this, I realized one of the problems I have with my mom being there is that she doesn't seem to know how to just BE. You described your mom as super-helpful-do-everything way of driving you bonkers. I think my mom has a very similar characteristic that just manifests differently, and either way I just can't seem to envision how she could be here and I could totally let go and relax.

Sigh. It seems like something that should be so good... I mean, I love her to bits and I feel completely blessed that she was (and is) an amazing mom (and grandma). Hypothetically I'd love to share this experience with her, but I don't know how to make it work well. And I'm reluctant to bring it up to test the waters unless I'm pretty sure I want her there.

Dh tells me (and rightly so) that we have lots of time and I don't need to decide any of this right now, but it's on my mind a lot.

Thanks for sharing!!!

[laohaire]

Oh, the "hurt" thing about being asked to stay somewhere else.... grrrr!!!

On that alone, I'd pass on mom and ask your friends to tell you honestly if they would do it and back each other up.

My mom wasn't a complete disaster but still... never again.

Your birth, your terms. Your mom's feelings of being "hurt" if she stayed elsewhere should not be a factor.

[thefreckledmama]

Originally Posted by flitters

I *wish* this was an option. She has made it very clear before that she would be very hurt if we asked her to stay somewhere else on a visit.

This, more than anything else mentioned, makes me think you are probably better off not having her present. It seems like she's making it into being about her, when it's not. I'll never understand the mentality of people who expect to be houseguests in a home when a woman is about to, or has just had a baby. (Except for the situations where the mom/parents welcome said houseguest.)

I think I'm just really persnickety when it comes to the time around birth, and feel like it really is the one time where people should be accommodating to most whims of the expectant/new mom...and keep their opinions to themselves, or stay away.

[flitters]

Hmmm... I never really discussed having her stay or not stay with us during birth specifically. Perhaps she would be more understanding under those circumstances, but in general (outside the context of birth) it has been discussed and she got very upset at the merest suggestion we'd want her to stay somewhere else. I wonder if I should even broach it...

That is actually worth considering. Maybe since this wouldn't be any old visit, she would be more open to a hotel. And if she were staying in a hotel, that just leaves my reservations about her being at the actual birth itself which are non-trivial but perhaps with enough talking could be worked through... not sure.

The idea of her being there weirds me out, but on the other hand might be the ideal situation for ds. Sigh.

Thanks for thinking this through with me!

[prancie]

when you went into labor she could take your ds back to the hotel with her for the duration. Then she wouldn't be there.

as for the being hurt stuff, she's holding you hostage. Don't give in to it.

[flitters]

I think ds will want to be here for the birth and I'm happy for him to be, so I want to be comfortable with whoever is here from him being in the house during labor and birth. I can't figure out how much it would bother me if she were in the next room (which is pretty much where I would want her were she to be here).

I realized she's coming in April so I can at least think about it for that long and see how that visit goes.

I know you are all right about the hurt-if-not-staying-in-our-house thing, but as long as we can keep her visits in the 5 day range, we're fine with that. It's just more complicated this time in particular because I can't pin birth within 5 days, and I wouldn't really want her overnight the last nights prior, nor the first nights post. Generally though (perhaps this instance aside) that issue isn't worth broaching. You know, pick your battles - I'll take peace over victory in this case (unless she starts pushing to come for a month again).

[Peace+Hope]

just wanted to encourage you on the plan to have her not be there at least during the birth (after reading your posts)!

for my mom, i have discussed w/ her the team approach: my husband and i, and our 2 midwives, are preparing over many months of visits and discussion, to work together as a team. i know that to be as relaxed and focused as i can, that to introduce any new factor would be a mistake, including a person i love very much/am close to.

as helpful and wonderful and selfless as my mom is, i know in my heart she would not be the balance of helpful at my labor and birth.

GL navigating - i agree that if she's "hurtable" it's kind of a bad sign, as this needs to be on your terms...

[aylaanne]

Oh, my mother contributed to stalling out my labor last time. She only lives about 45 minutes away, so I don't need to worry about that, but I seriously considered having her come watch DS for the birth and then discarded it. Instead, we're hiring a doula that my MWs have worked with before to watch DS. Yes, it's expensive child care, but it's someone who is comfortable with birth, and has come and played with my son and is comfortable with him. In case we have to transfer, THEN we're calling one of the grandmas to come and stay with him (or take him to their house).

I'm paying her less than I would a regular doula, but more than I would pay a babysitter. And I'm getting reimbursed from my Health Care Reimbursement Account.

My mom was obviously hurt when I told her, but she got over it.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by aylaanne

Oh, my mother contributed to stalling out my labor last time.

Mine too.

And the next morning, which should have been all about snuggles and getting to know the baby, she completely overreacted to something and stormed out of the house "forever" (though we did in fact speak to her again a few days later when we admitted DD to the hospital).

There is really no place at your birth for a mother who thinks it's all about her ("hurt" about being asked to stay elsewhere, etc.).

[MJB]

Sounds like my mom! She's also unable to just "be" and always has to be DOING something, which drives me nuts on a good day. She would be hurt if I asked her to stay somewhere else. Thankfully, we lived nearby when my 4yo was born and will live nearby again when this one is born (moving at 30+ weeks pregnant). She had c-sections with both children and had some anxiety/issues surrounding birth. She was only there for the last hour or two. She wasn't especially helpful but she didn't bother me, either, and I feel like it completely changed her attitudes about birth in a positive way. She was outwardly calm, and after the birth it was nice to have her there to throw the towels in the wash and get me some of my favorite soup (which she made ahead of time and brought to the birth). My sister was also at the birth but in another room watching my then-3 yr. old.

It seems like it would be easier to ask your friends, though. If you have long labors, your husband could take your son over to their house and all they'd have to do is bring him back and stay with him for the last part of labor. I have two friends with young kids who have asked to be my doulas at my birth this summer.

[craft_media_hero]

No, no, no no no no no.

Sounds like a bad idea

In your situation I would hire a doula or a babysitter specifically to be with your little one during the birth. Hire a babysitter now and have you lo spend time with them at your home just hanging out playing so that the person is not a stranger when the time comes.

Don't have anyone in the house who is not completely supportive.

I know it will hurt her feelings, but my MIL will not be allowed to be here during the birth. I don't care. As soon as she meets the new baby, she'll get over it, and if not then that's her problem. I do not want her "energy" in our birth space, I know it will limit me and it's just not part of the birth plan that I want. Period.

Start looking for a babysitter now; put an ad in the paper if you must or go through a nanny service and interview people. Paying a sitter will not be a big deal when you look back on all this, but having your birth memory negatively affected by someone else's attitude will be a big deal later.

[meesh933]

Your situation is pretty much exactly what we just went through with DS (15 days old). My mom flew in from 900 miles away to spend 2 weeks here and keep my DD (nearly 3) while I was laboring and birthing. My mom had two c-sections, and her idea of childbirth comes pretty much straight from TV. She also tends to stick her foot in her mouth, and while I love her, a two week visit can be stressful under normal circumstances.

I asked on here what people thought about having someone present who wasn't totally on board with HB and might make me uncomfortable during the birth, and the overwhelming response was "don't do it."

That said....it went great. There was maybe a total of 15 minutes where she was in my bedroom while I was in my garden tub and her presence annoyed me, but she was just trying to keep DD happy at the time. She stayed away most of the time I was laboring, except to occasionally check in with DD while she was in the tub with me. She and DD made birthday cupcakes for after the baby was born, and while I was pushing she kept her busy at the other end of the house. (Even more important, she kept her happy while the MWs were repairing my tear, which took a while.) I had thought I didn't want her to see me in the tub/naked, but by the time baby came, I didn't care, and neither did she. I was unsure about having her there right up until I went into labor, but it really went well, and I was very, very pleasantly surprised.

So, I wouldn't totally rule it out. It might go much better than you expect!

[bjorker]

Your situation is almost exactly like mine, except my mom lives close so it's a non-issue for me. I too have a 5 year old and am expecting in June/July. Personally I'm not worried about my dd at all, though-- and my mom is the queen of "those comments", so I decided not to have her around unless I really need her for something. And even then she probably won't be my first choice of people to call. She was at dd's birth at the hospital, and there was NO way I could concentrate and deal with contractions with her around. And she did make comments that derailed my concentration.

So, anyway, I personally wouldn't plan for it, no. I think you have to go with your gut on this one, though.

[GoBecGo]

My mother is dead, so this is somewhat moot for me. Our plan currently is that my dad (who has to drive 4 hours) and MIL and FIL (who are 15mins away) will be called when we're pretty sure i'm in labour. All of them will then set off to come, MIL and FIL so they can be in the house for DD, and my Dad so he can come and meet the newborn or even, if he makes it, be there for the birth (my whole active labour was 89mins last time, so i'm more worried about NO ONE making it than everyone!). DD will be 4 and i want her to be able to come in. We've talked a little to the IL's about the whole scenario. I basically told them i want DD to be allowed to come in if she wants to and cared for gently in the meantime in the house (if she's asleep we'll still call them to come in case she wakes and needs food/a drink/support). MIL has said she isn't great with blood and would be scared to "be there" but i stressed that i just want her around for DD, she doesn't need to be in the room, just the house. My dad would love to see the baby born (both of his were c-sections in the days of dad's-in-the-corridor) and i'm happy to have him there if he makes it. I labour fast so i imagine if i haven't birthed by the time he arrives, i will be at the "don't care or not aware" stage at least, which minimises the chance of me stalling because of the comings and goings of everyone.

My IL's live so close they won't be staying anyway, and my dad has already chosen his (very nearby) hotel. I do think it's kind of crazy for ANYONE to expect to be a house guest right before/during/after a birth, but everyone is different.

The main thing i thought when i was reading your post is that if your mom has major privacy/modesty issues, would she actually SUPPORT your DS, or would she spend her time trying to keep him away from you when actually he wants to be with you and you are happy to have him there? The most important thing for me is that DD knows she can come be with mama and step-daddy when her baby sibling is coming if SHE wants to. I would be majorly annoyed if the care i'd gotten in place for her actually disrupted one of my most strong personal reasons for homebirthing (it being a family event).

[billikengirl]

My parents came from 4 hours away (by car) for the birth, and I asked them to wait in a hotel (didn't care if it hurt their feelings, I needed what I needed). They drove separately, and my mom came to my house for a quick visit before heading to the hotel. My labor slowed significantly when she was in the house and my midwife finally shooed her out.

We had agreed that the midwife would call them to come back when I was pushing because I wanted them to be able to be there for the birth. My mom came in and told me she was here and I roared "GO AWAY!" A good decision for me--somehow her being there (offering sympathy) made me weak, like I reverted to being her baby instead of being my baby's mother.

I think childbirth is one of the few times the world is supposed to revolve around your feelings, so ask for/demand what you need and don't feel bad about it.

[flitters]

Thanks so much for all the responses!

I'm definitely leaning away from inviting her at this point... As it was, whenever anybody arrived for ds's birth (first my friend, then the doula, then the midwife) I slowed down or stalled for quite a while afterwards and I was completely comfortable with all of them being there! Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if her being here actually would make the onset of labor happen later than it would without her presence. Huh, that doesn't sound good given that I expect to go over 40 weeks as it is.

On the other hand, stories like meesh933's are exactly what I would hope for, so knowing it could go well makes me want to keep an open mind to the possibility.

And I really don't think she would be self-centered around the birth itself, but there are definite issues surrounding her ability to BE without judgement or evaluation.

As for her birth issues, they aren't from her birth experience with me (I'm an only child), but from her being there when her sister was born. She and her 5 siblings were born at home, and everything went smoothly until the youngest (about 18 years younger than the rest) was born. From what I know, my grandmother actually thought she had hit menopause for the first part of pregnancy, then went considerably past due, and had what they called a "dry birth." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it was difficult and I think my mom was somewhat traumatized by it.

She made her choices to have a medicated hospital birth with me based on wanting to be damn sure she did it differently than her mother. Her labor and birth were quick and easy (despite forceps) from her description, so that's good. I thought she understood (particularly after I raved about my first birth experience) where I was coming from with my choice to homebirth, but she completely floored me this time by being rather shocked I would choose to birth at home again. I can't figure out how she possibly conceived I would do otherwise (barring some unexpected medical complication during pregnancy).

It is a very interesting idea to hire a doula for the birth, essentially for my son. I'll have to talk to dh about that. I'm not quite sure how that would work in the event of transfer, however unlikely... Yeah - that might be worth considering and I hadn't thought of that option.

Hmmm...

Thanks so much for helping me think this through!!!

[flitters]

"somehow her being there (offering sympathy) made me weak, like I reverted to being her baby instead of being my baby's mother."

And this sure resonated. She even still calls me "little girl."