If you had reservations about your mother being at the birth... - Page 2

[flitters]

And the doula idea was very well received by dh. I think that is the leading candidate so far.


(Sigh... I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this with regards to my mom, but I still do. Hmmm, maybe it isn't guilt actually. I think I'm just a bit sad about it.)

[almadianna]

Mine contributed to the stalling at both my births.

On the second one I screamed at her because she was on the phone, people kept calling her and she would answer and say "yeah, still hasnt given birth yet...yeah we are still here....nope no idea when it will be over... we will have to reschedule...call you back later... "

it was this every 15 minutes. So I told her to shut the phone or leave. Well... I screamed it. Loud. She was hurt but I felt better.

If I had to do it again I dont know if I would have her there, my dad on the other hand is amazing and he should be at everyone's homebirth!!!

[flitters]

Originally Posted by almadianna

my dad on the other hand is amazing and he should be at everyone's homebirth!!!

Hahhahah, awesome.

And wow - the mom contributing to stall sounds really common. (Twice though - yikes!) That is one of my biggest concerns (especially given the stall in my first labor without her there).

I'm pretty sure we've decided against it and are interviewing a doula (a student doula, actually) this weekend.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by flitters

And the doula idea was very well received by dh. I think that is the leading candidate so far.


(Sigh... I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this with regards to my mom, but I still do. Hmmm, maybe it isn't guilt actually. I think I'm just a bit sad about it.)

I hear you on that. Honestly, I wish I could gag and tie my mom in the corner so that she could be there, but quiet I totally get the not guilty, but kinda sad thing. I WANT to want her to be there. I want her to be part of it! I want her to feel loved and to see our baby right as it comes out. I want her to be one of the first to hold him/her. I LOVE her.

But I am worried that even if she's just in charge of dd, the times that she/dd do come in, something will drive me nuts. It's just so...so...feral when you're birthing, you know? Like, you can talk about it before hand (my mom and I did last time--we both know we push each other's buttons and my mom is great about letting me do what I need to), but then when you're in labor, I revert to my gut level reaction (MOM YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS). And she's stressed out, so she's trying to be super helpful.

Are you sad because you want your mom there for the birth, or because you want her there for the lead in and follow up to the birth? It seems like if you just want her to meet your baby when it's brand new, or something, that you could present her with "I've been having this dilemma. I really want you to be here right after baby is born...but I know from ds' birth that I really needed my space in the house at that time. I know you've said that you'd be really bummed to have to stay somewhere else while you're visiting us, but I know that having ANYONE else in the house right after the birth would be too much for me. But I'm feeling really sad at losing the thought of sharing that time with you." And see if she has thoughts. You could always have doula there to watch ds DURING the birth, and invite her over right after...if she was okay with that.

But if you're feeling sad about her not getting to see the birth, that's a hard one. It sounds like your gut is telling you not to have her there...and it seems like a good idea to listen to your gut on stuff like this...'cause that's where your mind goes when you're in labor, you know? Right past all the rational stuff and right to your gut.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess your post hit home. I guess I am still a little nervous about having my mom there watching my dd during the birth...I'm worried that dd will want to come see me and I'll get annoyed with how my mom is handling it. I need to figure out how to deal with that...*sigh* Thanks for bringing it up though! I'm interested to hear how you're dealing with it. Good luck!

[Belle]

I had a similar thing happen to me with my mom and our homebirth. I love my mom to pieces but she has birth issues.

For our first (hospital birth) mom was there and she drove both me and dh nuts. After that experience I half-jokingly told Mom that I didn't want her there for another birth unless she practiced looking calm in the mirror. She didn't take me seriously.

For the our HB we planned on MIL being there as a support person for Dd1 but she ended up being in Canada when my water broke. Out of despiration we grudgingly asked Mom to help out with Dd1 during the birth. I didn't start labor right away after my water broke and she showed up at our house while we were walking at the park trying to get things moving. She stood their knocking on the door for who knows how long thinking that we were just ignoring her knocks.

Then she asked dh if why I was able to eat, I was supposed to be fasting, why didn't I know how far dilated I was, how come I wasn't in the hospital getting hooked up to pitocin, "Oh sweetie, that contraction looked like it was a bad one. You look like you're in so much pain", etc.

We asked her to leave. We told her that we'd call her when I went into actual labor but we "forgot" because labor went so fast. My MIL drove the 5 hours from Canada to make it there. I started labor 36 hours after my water broke. She initially seemed disappointed that she wasn't at the birth but she got over it quickly when she saw her granddaughter.

[JenChaffee]

My story with my mother is different and will possibly only confuse things. I did not particularly want my mom here for the birth. She was not okay with HB. She agreed to come when she would be of most use. We had planned to have her come a week after they were born just as DH needed to go back to work. But then they were late. With twins, we had expected them any day starting at 36 weeks. At 40 weeks, my dad called DH and asked if we could just tell her to come (we live on opposite coasts and I think she had become so anxious that she was driving him up the wall). So we did.

She came a day before they were born at 41 weeks. By the time she got here, she had resigned herself to the fact that we were doing HB and her lectures were not going to change things. Having her meet the MW helped. I think she was envisioning an witch doctor and was impressed to meet a normal, very intelligent, caring woman who could answer any question any of us had.

When I went into labor, my mom was not comfortable with being in the room, and I was not sure how comfortable I was having her watch, either. She was keeping herself to the kitchen. I had worried that she might cause my labor to stall.

Somewhere along the way, she was fascinated by the goings on and came into the room and was right there through it all. My labor never slowed. She was suddenly okay with my nudity when it involve her meeting her granddaughters. I think we both learned alot from the experience. And I think she is a convert to HB (though she won't exactly admit it.) In the end, I am very thankful that she was here, though at the beginning, I was absolutely convinced that I did not want her here.

[flitters]

Wow Carlyle - yes to pretty much everything - it feels like that. In my imagination, the ideal scenario would be for her to not be here leading up to the birth at all, come just for the birth (and be present in all the good ways I wish without all the negatives I fear), then go away for 2 - 3 days, then come visit for a few. I sure don't think that is realistic at all... too many issues - both logistical and emotional (and quite possibly physical, as the stall thing might very well be a self-fulfilling prophecy!). Hence the doula plan.

I'm not looking forward to telling her about that though... not cause she would be offended by not being at the birth, but because of how she will likely respond to the doula being there in addition to the midwives. (She actually told me she wouldn't want to be at ds' birth the first time so I imagine her feelings haven't changed, but I think she would be happy to come for ds now, though certainly wouldn't expect it). When we told her it was a practice of 2 midwives and an apprentice (which would total 3 people, the same as at our first birth though in that case it was a friend, a doula, and the midwife) her response was, "Well I *KNOW* you don't need all those people there." And this was after her being surprised I was having a homebirth again - somehow it didn't stick (despite my communicating very enthusiastically about it) that the first one was like the best incrediblest wonderfulest thing ever. I don't know if I interpreted this correctly, but it seemed like she thought I wanted to prove something the first time, and now that I had done that, I'd go to the hospital. Sigh.

Love her, but yeah, there's baggage.

And I also really am getting so much out of the stories of the (grand)moms who came to births, and how that went. I love hearing the stories where the grandma was an unexpectedly positive presence at the birth. Although I am really leaning away from her coming, I haven't completely settled on that and I like to play through the possibilities in my mind of how it *might* go well if she comes. (The problem is that I then go on to consider the actual odds of that happening, and they are very low!)

[sattygirl99]

My mom won't be here. She was with me for ds's induction and it wasn't the best. She kept ds when I went to the hospital for dd (planned so she wouldn't need to be involved).

I woild love to have her but she's negative. And she's very much 'my way is right, yours is wrong'. She's against my homebirth. In fact she said I need to be prepared for leaving my kids behind because I'm going to die if I homebirth. My MIL will be here instead. She's more uncomfortable with nudity than I am but shell get over it. Hell, she's seen both ends and she's had a vaginal birth (though medicated) so its not a surprise. She's mainly here for the kids and in case we need something. She hasn't said anything negative (actually I think she's surprised at the hb) and she's more receptive to us being 'different'. Its going to hurt my mothers feelings that MIL will be here and she won't. Shell get over it. This birth is mine and I have to make sure everyone knows that.

I am planning to call my mom after the baby is born and have her come over then. But until then, I don't think we will call anyone in labor except MIL, the MW and doula.

[flitters]

Originally Posted by sattygirl99

In fact she said I need to be prepared for leaving my kids behind because I'm going to die if I homebirth.

Wow. I'm sorry that is how she is choosing to respond. It is really difficult to understand how people can be so antagonistic towards a choice like that, when they obviously lack information but care about the person. You'd think she would at least try to understand why you made that decision before saying something that is false and has potential to be very damaging to your relationship.

I'm happy for you that you have found an arrangement that seems like it will work better this time.

[GracesMama]

We had my mom come out for the entire month of February for the birth of DD #2. I needed someone to be there exclusively for my 2 1/2 year old, and she was the only person I trusted.

The problem was that we were living in the same house for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. It seemed like she was constantly criticizing me and it got to the point that I felt like my baby was late because I didn't feel safe birthing with her around. I finally poured my guts out to a close friend, and then I felt better. It all worked out in the end, but it was tough.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I've been thinking about how to word my response to this.

My mom is very medical minded and I didn't really want her at DS's birth. I thought she'd freak out and call 911 or try to take over somehow. I didn't want to put my MW in the middle of that or pull any attention away from myself. Afterall, it was all about me. So we decided she would stay with DD during the birth, but somehow she ended up there and I was too far into laborland to even realize or fight it. I didn't care either way then.

As it turns out I really really liked that she was there. She saw me at my strongest hour. I was freakin She-Ra! She should be proud! And even though she says it was extremely difficult to watch (she had epidurals with her births), I feel like I've opened her eyes somehow.

[emski4379]

I felt the same way you do before DD was born. In fact, my mom caused me sooooo much stress after DS was born, that I asked her to wait a bit before coming to visit after DD was born. As I got closer to my EDD though, I had a change of heart, and asked her to fly in about a week after I was due, thinking DD would probably be here by then. Well, she wasn't. And I was dreading having my mom in the house if I went into labor. Sure enough, my water broke the morning after she arrived.

Things this time went very differently. I don't know if it's because she knew she stressed me out last time, or because I felt more confident or what, but having her there was the best thing possible. She kept DS busy while I was having hard core contractions, and helped the MW out with whatever they needed during the birth (drinks, snacks, towels, whatever). The next morning, she took care of DS after he got up, and I was in hard core heavy duty labor. After, when DD was born, she brought me some home cooked yumminess, and helped clean up, etc. Having her there to meet her grand daughter 10 minutes after she was born was amazing.

So, as much as I was dreading the situation, it was the best thing to have her there. Never would have expected that, but happy it worked out that way. Not saying the same will happen with you, but it's possible.

[AAK]

SKIP IT!! Mothers tend to make people a bit "on guard", etc. That type of stress isn't good for birth progression.

My mother came to my first (hospital with lots of interventions). She said after that she was so proud of me. . . I hardly made any noise at all! Well the next two births were natural with a mw (birth 2 was at a hospital, birth 3 was at home). I expected to make noise. She wasn't welcome. I would have felt self conscious about the birth noises if she would have come.

Amy

[flitters]

Gosh, there are so many interesting experiences with mothers at their daughters' births. I love hearing all of them, and each one that went well makes me smile - I really wish they were all like that!

We had two interesting things happen since my last post:

1) We met the student doula and she is a great match for us. That pretty much closed the deal.

2) I keep a weekly journal / blog thingy and my mom reads it to keep up with how we are doing. I posted about the doula, and she asked me about it on the phone. I was worried, especially with how she brought it up, "You hired someone to watch ds at the birth?!? I would have done that for free!" I then went through several of the easier-to-communicate reasons for that choice (we want to have the house just with the 3 of us in the last couple days before birth and the first couple after, we couldn't figure out how to get her there in time with those constraints, since our doula is still a student she doesn't charge for her services). She took this so much better than I thought! She even said that she figured I had good reasons for that. I was really happy that she was so OK with that in the end (especially after her earlier negative comments about the number of people who would be at the birth which at the time was just our team of 2 midwives and their apprentice).

The other cool thing that came from the conversation was that she told me more about when her siblings were born. Basically, the kids would all be sent to sleep outside for the night, and when they'd come inside in the morning, there would be the new baby! Those were fond memories for her. The traumatic one was when her youngest sister was born (MUCH younger than the rest of her sibs) and she just skipped over that saying how it was different w/ her.

So I'm feeling very satisfied with the outcome, although in the more romantic part of my brain I still wish she would be here. Unfortunately, I just don't think the reality would match that.

[To-Fu]

I agree: follow your gut. If you're having reservations, listen to them!

I decided against having my mother at my birth and it was the right decision for us at the time. It hurt her feelings very much and it was hard to know that and still tell her she couldn't come, but it all worked out in the end and I think she understands now.

Do what feels right.