Telling DD about other half-sibblings

[Halfasianmomma]

Ok mamas, this is a hypothetical future question regarding DD who is currently 19 months.

Right now, STBX is not very involved in DD's life. I don't know for sure, but he's starting to act the way he did when he was separating from his 3rd wife...slowly disengaging from the child they had together and forming a new family with someone else.

That's all fine with me. It does however leave me with the question about *when* to tell DD that she has 3 half-brothers, each from different mothers. I don't know if I can count on STBX to be around to disclose this information to her, but I know that were I in her shoes, I'd want to know about this sort of thing. I just don't know about the right time...or perhaps it isn't my place at all...I'm not certain.

I have a picture of her first half-brother, but currently I don't know where he lives. Her second half-brother is my former DSS. I have numerous pics of her third half-brother and his mother has agreed that she'd be ok with her son meeting my daughter at some point. Considering STBX's track record (dislikes using contraception and is already shacked up with his new gf), I imagine there will be other children at some point.

What do you mamas think?

[Theia]

Subbing because I wonder this myself. My DD has already has one half sibling who is several years older than her. The halfsibling knows about DD, but DD is only 2. I also imagine there will be future halfsiblings as well. In my case the mother of the other known child would not be supportive.... so it may have to wait for the other child to be old enough to initiate contact on her own. I do want to tell DD, but the whole when and the implications of her not being able to have relationship(s) with halfsiblings makes me want to wait a long time. But I don't want DD to think I am hiding it from her.

I'd also love to hear what others have to say about this.

[Catubodua]

subbing as well

DS has two older half-brothers (17 & 15) and neither their mom nor them are very interested in keeping a relationship with DH. i don't want to keep them a secret from DS, but i wonder at what age would i tell him about them. especially since, as i said, they probably won't be interested in establishing or maintaining any kind of relationship with him.

[dziwozony]

if it were me, i would just casually mention it every now & then. get books from the library that talk about different kinds of families & that could be a good opportunity to bring it up. kids are not born with a rigid idea of how a family is supposed to be- they only learn through their own experience.

for example, i live in a different country than my family, but i have pictures around & when talk of family comes up i tell them they have family all over the place. they don't really understand yet, but i want them to know. not that you need to encourage a close relationship with the half siblings, but they should be aware of their existance.


i really think it's a bad idea to hide the information because if they have to find out on their own, or you tell them too late, they might feel resentful about it.

i'm all about honesty as much as possible in all realms. this is how their bloodline has unfolded- it might not be ideal as you see it, but it's how it is. just talk about it like it's normal!

[RollerCoasterMama]

I've been living this. STBX has teenage sons several states away. Their step-dad adopted them almost 10 yrs ago and he hasn't seen them in 13 yrs. When DS was born MIL gave me a couple of baby pictures she had of the boys and I put them in DS's baby book. I casually said "those are your brothers" when he looked at the pictures. As he got older, I continued to mention it casually as it came up in conversation. (It came up a lot as he dealt with other kids talking about siblings.)

Last fall, I found ex-wife#1 on Facebook (and her oldest). I talked STBX into letting me contact her -- as the starting point of contact between the kids. She was shook up. But she decided to tell the boys about my son and we remain in contact (very limited) over FB, and her oldest son (18) has friended me as well. I haven't had direct contact with the 15 yr old because I'm not comfortable initiating contact with a minor who doesn't know me. (As a parent, I wouldn't be at all comfortable if the roles were reversed!) None of them want anything to do with STBX or his family, but they're open to knowing DS.

I was very grateful that she was willing to open up that chapter of her life and tell her sons about my son. It was dramatic for a week or two, but we established the boundaries that made everyone comfortable. And now back to normal---except now, the siblings know about each other and can see photos regularly. Which is HUGE.

I don't expect they'll have much to do with each other later in life, but that will be up to them. I hate causing drama, so I tried to do it as kindly as I could---and to tell you the truth, I don't think she'd have talked to me as willingly if I didn't open with the fact that we were getting divorced.

We've kept it all about the kids. It wasn't easy, but I don't regret it. I hope they don't regret it. I'm glad I did it. I never wanted it to be a mystery reveal. So I just made it part of his truth that somewhere out there, he has brothers. (Doesn't hurt that he thinks they're the coolest, luckiest boys out there because they do rodeo! And there's no question they're related...you can swap out their baby pictures.)

I wanted to feel out from the ex#1 to find out if she was willing to tell her sons about mine while DS was still little. That way, I'd know how to answer DS's questions as he gets older.

I hope one day they'll meet. But I don't have any illusions that they'll be great friends or anything. Maybe I'm wrong...but that's for them to work out on their own.