Did I handle this all wrong??

[EricaE]

We have a toddler who is 2.5 years old. He is a delightful, friendly little guy who is normally pretty cooperative and agreeable. However, there are times, of course, when he has normal tantrums and fits.

On Sunday he had the mother of all fits. After church, it's our routine to stop at 7-11 and get a small package of M&M's to share. Because we were in a hurry, I just jumped out of the car and ran in to buy the treats while DH stayed with the kids. When I got back to the car a minute later, DS was screaming hysterically. DH said that DS was upset because he wanted to go in with me to buy the M&Ms. I figured that once we got home and he got to open the candy he would calm down. We got home, and I had to leave right away to go pick up my DD. DH stayed with DS, who was still throwing a major fit about not being able to go in to the store. About 15 minutes later, DH called me and said that DS was STILL throwing a fit (DH had tried to put his M&M's in a bowl, and DS then threw the bowl across the room) and asked me for some advice. I told DH that I think we had made a mistake by not letting him go into the store in the first place, and I thought that he should load DS back up in the car, take him to 7-11, and let him go in and pick out the bag of candy, which is all he wanted in the first place. DH did this, and sure enough, DS was back to his happy little self within a matter of seconds. DH said he went right in to the store, found the M&M's, and proudly took them up to the counter to pay for them.

I'm really torn about how we handled this. I really do feel like DS wanting to go into the store is not a big deal, and we should have let him go in with me in the first place. I mean, it's not like he was wanting to play with knifes, or not hold my hand while crossing the street...pick your battles, you know? But was letting him "have his own way" after the fact the right thing to do?? Sure, DS calmed down and ended the fit - BUT - will he think that throwing fits in the future will always results in him getting what he wants?

What would you have done??

[heartmama]

It would depend on the situation, the mood, the generally feeling I had at the time. I'd say that generally speaking, I would not go back, but would be empathetic at home, while looking for ways to distract ds, or just sit with him until he calmed down. But on the other hand sometimes children need us to see that a small thing is, to them, a very big deal, and at 2 years old you can't expect him to matter of factly tell you that he is upset. He is going to have a tantrum. If he were older, I'd expect him to calm down and use his words. But I think that is asking too much of a 2 year old. In this instance, you could go back, and so you did. But eventually you will find a situation where you can't go back, and he will have to experience those disappointed emotions. I have known parents who would literally do anything to spare their child disappointed feelings--and to me the dynamic was very tense and miserable, because it was like the child was not trusted to be able to handle anything but happy feelings all the time. It was not even fun to be around, and certainly stressful for the parent to feel that kind of pressure 24 hours a day. Conversely, I know parents who would consider what you did 'catering' and 'spoiling' no matter what--but to that I would say that children can't learn to be patient and accomodating of others if you don't make a point of accomodating and listening to them. Children sense it when we go 'above and beyond' to show we care how they feel, that we want them to be happy, and don't mind taking time to do something important to them. It is part of parenting to learn how to strike that balance--to accomodate when you can, and help you child accept the moments when you can't.

[heartmama]

One thought to add: In this specific situation, clearly your son considered the "point" of the M&M outing to be his participation in buying the candy. He threw down the M&M's you bought without him. You did not know that *him* buying the candy was more important than the candy. So in his mind, what happened, was that he was promised a treat, and then taken to the store, and then you didn't get him anything at all. Naturally, he would come undone over it. And I think MOST adults would agree, that if you promised a 2 year old ice cream, drove them out to the store, let them see it, then said "Nope, sorry, none for you"...that if your child threw a fit, it would be a legimitate fit, and giving them ice cream after the fact would not be 'spoiling'...it would be delivering on your promise.

So in this instance, you just did not know that what he valued most was getting to be a big boy and buy his own candy.

I think most people would agree that it was okay to go back, because he was only being given what he thought was already promised.

[pianojazzgirl]

I like the pp's way of looking at it.

When my (also 2.5 yr old) ds has had similar moments of intense disappointment and upset I try to empathize in a way that he will understand. I will repeat something like "Alden is sad! Alden is sad because he didn't go in the store!" etc. If solving the problem (eg. going back to the store) is not possible then I empathize, cuddle him, try to distract him with something else he would like.

[EricaE]

Heartmama, I'm glad that you pointed out that way of looking at it - you're totally right!! To him, the treat was being able to get of the car, go in to the store, and pick out the candy all by himself. No wonder he was so mad when I just ran in! I no longer question that I did the right thing - thank you!

Thanks for your reply, Pianojazzgirl - normally when DS is throwing a fit, or is obviously frustrated, I just say very calmy "Would you like some help? Say "help", please!" and then he's usually calm right down and ask for help. It's a much better approach then yelling at him for being 'naughty' (like I've sadly seen from others).

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by EricaE

I really do feel like DS wanting to go into the store is not a big deal, and we should have let him go in with me in the first place. I mean, it's not like he was wanting to play with knifes, or not hold my hand while crossing the street...pick your battles, you know? But was letting him "have his own way" after the fact the right thing to do?? Sure, DS calmed down and ended the fit - BUT - will he think that throwing fits in the future will always results in him getting what he wants?

What would you have done??

I also agree with heartmama, but the only person who could tell you if she's right is your son.

Personally, I think there might have been a lack of communication and your son felt angry or frustrated that no one took the time to understand why he was upset. From there, no one took the time to justify his feelings, and/or show empathy towards them. Perhaps he was waiting for someone to say "I understand why you're upset (then explain why), and I'm sorry that I didn't take your feelings into consideration. I didn't know that's why you were upset, but now I know so I will try to remember to think about your feelings more in the future"?

I definitely don't think that this type of behavior teaches a child to use it as a way to get what they want. We have to choose our battles. Some things are allowed, and some are not. But whatever we deny of the child (like not following us into the store) MUST be followed up with VALID reasons why we're saying no. And if it's REALLY not that big of a deal, then stop for a minute to think about if you really want to say no. If your child is upset, and it's not a big deal, then let it go. If you were to fight over it for several minutes THEN allow your kid to "have his way" on a regular basis, then yes. I do think that you could be conditioning a habit. That said, being a "my foot is down and isn't coming back up" isn't good for any relationship. There needs to be a mutual respect, and if respect is missing on either side, this is a good example of how the outcome could be (in ANY relationship - family, work, friends...).

[Freud]

I think it was an alright thing to do, but you missed an opportunity to help him learn how to manage his big sad/mad feelings. I'm sure there will be other opportunities to do this in the future, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[mamazee]

I think it's fine to go back if you figure out it wasn't the candy he was looking for but the experience of buying it. But it's no big deal if you can't, either. One of the lessons kids that age learn is "things don't always work out how I want." I would never go out of my way to teach the lesson, but I wouldn't bend over backward to avoid it either. It's inevitable this kind of thing will come up again, and while it's ok to fix it if you're able, don't feel guilty if you aren't able. Just help him learn to communicate his frustration and disappointment and empathize with him, and it'll be fine. "You sound very disappointed. I wish we had time to go back. We'll have to remember for next time that your favorite part is buying it."

I do think it's nice to fix things if you can (where practical) because it helps show that you're on his side and want to help. But it's inevitable that you won't always be able to and that's fine too.

[elmh23]

Did he ask to go in to the store in the first place, or just assume he was and then pitched a fit? This would make a difference for me, kind of.

If he'd asked, I would have gone over my reasons again as to why he couldn't go in.

If he hadn't, then I'd go over with him that you don't know what he is thinking and he needs to voice his wants in an appropriate manner.

In either case, I would not have gone back to the store. And honestly, the M&M's wouldn't have been given to my kids in the first place if they were still throwing the fit when we got home. It's one thing to be upset, but to be in such a rage that you throw a bowl? Not going to get what you want doing that. My kids would have ended up in their rooms for some cooling off time.

[Artful_Mama]

One thing that really caught my attention was that this was your routine. Something you did every Sunday. In my experience (10yrs. childcare and a 2yr.old at home) small children do NOT react well to sudden, unanounced changes in their routines. They need that routine to feel comfortable. I think that taking him back because he wanted to buy the candy was not a big deal. He wasn't throwing a fit because he wanted more candy, he just wanted what he was used to doing. And like pps have stated, he's at an age where he can't always voice his frustrations.

[Dingletwitz]

my experience is that kids don't tend to throw fits for things unless they NEED to. So in your circumstance, he got his point across. You figured it out and fixed it. Will he now turn into some banshee who freaks out randomly to get his needs met? Probably not, because you have been listening and responding. It's when "sometimes" the fit gets listened to and sometimes not. Over time, he'll be able to articulate better what the deal is, but for now, I think you have it going on, momma.

[Deir]

The age makes a difference. If my 6 yr old did this? No way would I go back. But a 2.5 yr old- yeah- i think you did the right thing.

I once drove to old navy and bought a tank top for my ds when he was 2 because I had bought one for his brother and he truly seemed distraught that he didn't get one too. He was 2- of course it was a screaming fit- he could barely verbalize what he was thinking. In that case- I really felt I should have kept in mind how into shirts he was and how much a $4 tank top would thrill him. It wasn't something I would normally do but I think it was right. BTW- he truly loved that shirt!! LOL