We've been keeping the children of friends for various reasons recently. In a normal week, we usually see them twice, and I have their son one afternoon a week at our house. The more he has been at our house, the more we've noticed that he makes very passive-aggressive moves to get what he wants. In my house, that's just one of those things that doesn't work, so my kids don't do it. I hate it when someone says something like, "it sure would be nice to have those windows open." Well, open them or ask me to do it. Don't expect me to jump to make you happy. Still, he's a child, and his parents do lots of jumping through hoops that I won't.
Here's the issue, though. When we tell him that he can't do something, he makes this awful screaming-yelling noise as if he's dying and then says "but I..." The ... is something that his parents have used as a reason for his behavior before. I need to go to the bathroom (not sure why this is so difficult). I'm starving (yeah, you had a snack an hour ago!). I'm just really tired. I'm too wound up. And on and on. An example: Dh and I took the kids to a pastry shop we frequent. (His family does, too, so this is *not* new territory.) He and DS wanted to sit in pretty high bar stools. Dh said okay, but you have to be careful. He gets up in his and then starts climbing onto his knees. The stool is wobbling, and he's starting to lose his balance. Dh grabbed his arm to balance him and turned him around. Then he said (no yelling, voice raised, sternness), "you have to sit down or you'll fall. If you can't sit, then you have to get down." He does the death cry and then says "I think I have to poop." So Dh takes him to the bathroom where he stays for 15 freakin' minutes. We check on him. He asks for "privacy," but we can hear him playing. In the end? No poop. No real effort or anything. This was the first incident, but now with the pattern, I realize that he did it because Dh told him he had to sit down.
Now, we're friends with this family. I love his parents dearly, but this is something that is a problem given how much he stays with us. I know he's just mimicking what he's heard. We pulled back from them for a few months because *all* of his behaviors are justified always. DS was starting to get really pissed about it and would say that Friend's mom *never* thinks he did anything. Or he would say that Friend would cry (apparently would tell DC beforehand) so that his mom would come and "fix" things for him. Friend clearly knows Mom is going to get him whatever he wants.
Do I say something? How? What? Part of me says it's not my business, but otoh, I do not tolerate forced screaming and crying very well. Last night he snatched a puzzle piece from Dh, and I seriously thought Dh was going to lose it with him. I don't know how to address or stop this issue without destroying the friendship.
Here's the issue, though. When we tell him that he can't do something, he makes this awful screaming-yelling noise as if he's dying and then says "but I..." The ... is something that his parents have used as a reason for his behavior before. I need to go to the bathroom (not sure why this is so difficult). I'm starving (yeah, you had a snack an hour ago!). I'm just really tired. I'm too wound up. And on and on. An example: Dh and I took the kids to a pastry shop we frequent. (His family does, too, so this is *not* new territory.) He and DS wanted to sit in pretty high bar stools. Dh said okay, but you have to be careful. He gets up in his and then starts climbing onto his knees. The stool is wobbling, and he's starting to lose his balance. Dh grabbed his arm to balance him and turned him around. Then he said (no yelling, voice raised, sternness), "you have to sit down or you'll fall. If you can't sit, then you have to get down." He does the death cry and then says "I think I have to poop." So Dh takes him to the bathroom where he stays for 15 freakin' minutes. We check on him. He asks for "privacy," but we can hear him playing. In the end? No poop. No real effort or anything. This was the first incident, but now with the pattern, I realize that he did it because Dh told him he had to sit down.
Now, we're friends with this family. I love his parents dearly, but this is something that is a problem given how much he stays with us. I know he's just mimicking what he's heard. We pulled back from them for a few months because *all* of his behaviors are justified always. DS was starting to get really pissed about it and would say that Friend's mom *never* thinks he did anything. Or he would say that Friend would cry (apparently would tell DC beforehand) so that his mom would come and "fix" things for him. Friend clearly knows Mom is going to get him whatever he wants.
Do I say something? How? What? Part of me says it's not my business, but otoh, I do not tolerate forced screaming and crying very well. Last night he snatched a puzzle piece from Dh, and I seriously thought Dh was going to lose it with him. I don't know how to address or stop this issue without destroying the friendship.
