3 year old new to daycare hitting kids, unprovoked.

[Visions]

hi everyone. i haven't posted in ages, and hope everyone is well. i am faced with a sad problem, my daughter, who started a new day care (her first) in January, hits the other kids, unprovoked. every single day. she also pulls hair. as for where she saw hitting, she had been with a babysitter who has another 3 y.o. daughter, and she has 3 teen brothers, so hitting is a norm (play hitting) there.

i dropped her off the other morning, and right in front of me, seconds after taking her coat off, she walked over to a block castle some boys were building, kicked it over, and hit a boy on the head.

i am divorced, and she's been seeing each of us 50/50. neither of us discipline by hitting, and only tap her on her bottom for something like running near cars, in a parking lot, etc.

i cosleep still, but she has her own room at her dad's.

any, any, any ideas? please. we are reading "hands are not for hitting" at both homes and at school, and are firm in saying we do not hit.

[dogretro]

I used to work w/ toddlers in a daycare. That is my reference point here Have you talked to her teachers to get their take on it & what they do when dd hits others? I'm sure they talk to her, demonstrate nice touches, use social referencing, etc. Def let them know that you and dd talk about it at home & that you reinforce that it is NOT okay. Then, let them handle it at daycare. Hitting is nothing even remotely new to them. Annoying, yes, but they are trained to handle it.

[Visions]

yes - the teachers, her dad, and i are all trying to have the same, consistent reactions. pull her aside, ask her to breathe and think about why she did it, what could she do instead, she's being read "hands are not for hitting" like 3x a day (poor thing). i let her know that she can always ASK the children "can i play with you?" instead of hitting, etc.

[hergrace]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is being malicious until I had really sussed out what is going on. Without understanding the context, it is hard to get a handle on the behaviour.

If play hitting is the norm at your house, then telling her generally that "we don't hit" isn't true and she knows it. You need to teach her that she mustn't hit at school and keep that different from the play at home, where she will need to learn the boundaries.

I would make sure it really is unprovoked from her perspective. DS1 is sensitive to stimulation in a way that triggered him to react to things physically that didn't necessarily seem like provocation, but were to him.

Also, talk to the teachers about whether she is making any friends and whether she needs coaching on how to enter a group that is already in session. The incident you described could have been holding a grudge from a provocation the previous day or a misguided attempt to join the game.