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How to say "Please buy off the registry cause I REALLY need it"? - Page 2

post #21 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyNicoleTX View Post
my opinion is to not mention you even have a registry. i would say for the shower hostess to include a note with the invitations to say this "in lue of gifts, please consider cash or gift cards for the happy family." then at the shower have a "wishing well" or dedicated spot for people to place cards or cash in. if people ask you directly then just be honest and say that you are saving cash to buy some big ticket items like a carseat and would really appreciate the cash.
Asking for cash and then a wishing well?!?!

post #22 of 86
I've learned recently that any registry questions are going to become quick battle grounds of what is polite and what is not.

But- you obviously know your guests better than we do, and therefore I think you know how it would be received to ask what you're asking.

I say that the invite should just say the typical "Mom and dad to be are registered at myregistry.com"

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."

Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most

Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!
post #23 of 86
Hmmm am also planning my shower. Looks like my best bet is to make a registry with lots of onesies and blankets. LOL.

I've never registered for anything in my life, so I was confused when I read that people often didn't buy off the registry. Then why do we have them? It's like a bizarro part of the social construct. You're supposed to make one, so you think it out, but not actually expect people to buy off it. I'd rather just not make the damn thing LOL, but my mom wouldn't have that.
post #24 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hannah32 View Post
Hmmm am also planning my shower. Looks like my best bet is to make a registry with lots of onesies and blankets. LOL.

I've never registered for anything in my life, so I was confused when I read that people often didn't buy off the registry. Then why do we have them? It's like a bizarro part of the social construct. You're supposed to make one, so you think it out, but not actually expect people to buy off it. I'd rather just not make the damn thing LOL, but my mom wouldn't have that.
In my experience, people around here don't use them because no one buys from them.
One reason people will use them is because the store will offer an incentive like if the items aren't purchased by others, you can buy them for a small discount yourself after the shower. Or, you get a free gift as incentive to register.
post #25 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."

Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most

Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!
Well worded Rhi.

And OP, do what you can to encourage people to look at the registry, but accept that many people will not. Remember that places like Walmart often take return items without a receipt, as long as they carry the item. There's also craigslist, if you receive items that you just can't use, but can not return for store credit. Once a gift is given, it is yours to decide what to do with just as if you had bought it, so don't feel obligated to keep the things you are given that will just clutter your life/home. Be sincerely thankful to the giver, but if the item itself is not useful, don't feel guilty exchanging it for what you Do need.
post #26 of 86
Thread Starter 
Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! My MIL has agreed to host for me and it sounds like we'll probably do a BBQ in the park near my house. It's going to be really casual and I think I'll run the PP's suggestion of having a cash shower by my MIL. I think she'll probably be on board. I know that idea would be out of the question for some, but honestly I think it would work for us. I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower? What's more, we truly, truly can't afford the things that we NEED. I buy used or accept hand-me-downs whenever possible, but some things need to be new and I just can't afford them and we won't be able to afford them for several years so trying to budget for them down the road is out of the question. I need help. Plus, if we do a cash shower then no one brings gifts. There's no big scene around opening them (which I really dislike) and we get the things that we actually need. Sounds like a winner to me! Now all I have to do is figure out what the heck we're going to do at a shower where I don't spend the entire time opening gifts! Sounds a lot more like a blessingway to me, which is what I wanted anyway.
post #27 of 86
I really wanted people to buy cloth diapers off my registry but knew most wouldn't unless we somehow hinted at it. My sister, who sent out invites for my shower, wrote a cute little poem:

If unsure what to get for mother,
Help keep baby's bottom covered.
To make cloth work, this girl needs tons
Of eco-friendly FuzziBunz.

People actually loved it and I got more cloth diapers than I registered for! I think if you do something like this and keep it light, people will get the hint but not feel too pressured.

Good luck!
post #28 of 86
Here's what I did... instead of telling them what to buy for me, I told them what NOT to buy for me. That seemed more polite and acceptable to me. So I registered for all the things I needed, then on the shower invitation where I listed the registry, I put a statement that said, "Please NO baby clothes or toys -- we've already got more than enough of these items. Thank you!"

But it didn't matter -- people will give you whatever they want to give you. Probably half the people who attended ignored the registry and bought baby clothes or toys, because they are cute and fun to buy. My guess is maybe one or two people were swayed by that request from buying baby clothes/toys and instead bought something from the registry, but that's it. I was pretty disappointed because we didn't have money to buy some of the things we really needed. But we ended up buying used items from Craigslist and it all worked out.

It has definitely made me more sensitive to only buying items off registries for baby showers and weddings! In the past I tended to buy one small thing from the registry and one cute little outfit or something fun I picked out myself. Not anymore! It's registry all the way now.

P.S. My sister organized my shower and did a raffle where if you brought baby diapers to the shower, you were entered to win a gift basket. Most people brought a gift plus some diapers, so that was very helpful.
post #29 of 86
Thread Starter 
Ooooh! I could raffle off a gift basket for everyone who bought a cloth diaper. That's a great idea! Thanks!
post #30 of 86
The real reason people buy onesies and blankets is because they can't afford to buy the items on your registry - or they dont want to spend the money on your registry. People would much prefer to buy you a cute outfit as a gesture, than some bottle nipples and baby wipes. Just take this into account and don't buy any clothes or blankets yourself.

Either way, I think its rude and greedy to have the attitude of 'this is what I "need" - please buy it for me". The people who matter in your life won't need a baby registry, you'll be able to tell them straight out what you need and they'll spend the money. If your not close enough to talk to a person - then really you only deserve a onesie!

I didn't have an official baby shower for this very reason - I think the idea of a first time mom dictating what she needs and then expecting everyone to pick off a specified list greedy. People still gave us many, many gifts and I had more than what a little baby needs in the end.
post #31 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennmiller View Post
I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower?
Well, at least you are honest and not pretending that the shower is about celebrating an upcoming new life.
post #32 of 86
Here's my thing. Everyone keeps saying it's greedy.

It *is* greedy.

And this is one of the few times in my life where I feel completely comfortable being a consumeristic greedy pig.
post #33 of 86
I'd also say that at least where I live, it is very uncommon to have a baby shower for anything but the first pregnancy.
We have Blessingways. I have one coming up along with some other pregnant mamas, and it's just a large group of women bringing something to eat and a bead for a birth necklace. Couldn't (and wouldn't) ask for anything more .
post #34 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife View Post
Asking for cash and then a wishing well?!?!

I read this as asking for cash, then having the wishing well as the spot to put the cards (cash inside).... Did I get that wrong??
post #35 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Demeter~ View Post
I think it's rude to tell people they can only buy xyz. I typically don't buy off of a registry because many of the things I see on them I feel are unnecessary and often too pricey for my budget. I tend to buy the little things that are usually forgotten and make up a nice little basket.
This is me too. Another thing is that in my family, well actually DH's side, they like going to a store. They don't shop online. I made a registry at BRU because of this, hoping that then I might get some things that we needed or we liked. I also did register for some things that were cute and I liked... I figured some people might want to buy a really cute outfit and having a couple on the registry would give them an idea of the type of thing I liked. I honestly don't know how I would feel about going to a shower where you were asked to just give $ towards the big items.

Freecycle and Craigslist are great too!
post #36 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Well, at least you are honest and not pretending that the shower is about celebrating an upcoming new life.
That is the ONLY reason I had my shower....
I had one with my first....
with this baby, I am in a different relationship and my DP's mother is over the moon with excitement and WANTED SOOO badly to throw a shower, so because the point (to me) of a shower is to celebrate the new baby I agreed, even though I held the 'shower for first baby only' belief.


Like many other people, I received NOTHING off my registry. Even after everyone asking what I needed !!!!.... I even made a point to register for EVERYTHING under $10 to avoid the 'its too expensive' problem.... I don't think people even looked....

We have everything we need. So not receiving these items wasn't a problem, Now I just have an abundance of bibs (that i've never used for my previous kids), disposable diapers (even though it was known i'm cloth diapering), paci's (that I never give my kids), ect....

My friends that came brought nothing.... I told them that I needed nothing, and they knew I wasn't kidding. Their presence meant the world....
post #37 of 86
Baby registries are rather new things. I think a lot of people don't expect them like they do wedding registries. Even with wedding registries, people are only making suggestions. I think it is really inappropriate to further suggest that people buy certain things for you (the general you).
I agree that the main purpose of a shower is to celebrate a new life and community member. Gifts are a way to honor that occasion, and lots of people don't feel like necessities are *real* gifts. Just as some people wouldn't feel right buying socks and undies for Christmas, others won't feel comfortable buying mama pads and CDs for a baby shower (although I would LOVE to receive any of these at a gift giving occasion).
Certainly do pass on through your shower hostess that you would like the things on your registry.
I agree with PPs that it is appropriate to go ahead and make plans to provide your own necessities.
post #38 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by MiaMama View Post
If this is the case, then it seems that showers and especially registries are inherently rude.
Well, yeah, pretty much. Registries especially, but throwing any party whose very purpose is for people to give you stuff? And where people really aren't (occasional protestations aside) welcome if they don't bring a present? Yeah, rude. "You can come, but you have to give me something" isn't nice, no matter how you slice it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennmiller View Post
Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! My MIL has agreed to host for me and it sounds like we'll probably do a BBQ in the park near my house. It's going to be really casual and I think I'll run the PP's suggestion of having a cash shower by my MIL. I think she'll probably be on board. I know that idea would be out of the question for some, but honestly I think it would work for us. I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower? What's more, we truly, truly can't afford the things that we NEED. I buy used or accept hand-me-downs whenever possible, but some things need to be new and I just can't afford them and we won't be able to afford them for several years so trying to budget for them down the road is out of the question. I need help. Plus, if we do a cash shower then no one brings gifts. There's no big scene around opening them (which I really dislike) and we get the things that we actually need. Sounds like a winner to me! Now all I have to do is figure out what the heck we're going to do at a shower where I don't spend the entire time opening gifts! Sounds a lot more like a blessingway to me, which is what I wanted anyway.
To be quite honest with you, there's nothing good in expecting other people will give you the things you need. I mean, I get being poor. I'm poor--even adding in my fiancè's income to the meager amount I get from child support, we're under the federal poverty level for what will be a family of five (let alone a family of six, like we will be once the baby's here). We may have to whittle what we're getting for this baby (new, anyway) way down...but we're not going to ask anyone else to get it for us. Not to put too fine a point on it, the baby and the stuff for it are our responsibility. DF's mother and stepfather are better-set financially, and there's a chance they will be willing to pick up the car seat or the breast pump (the two most expensive must-haves), and I won't hesitate to ask if they offer, but if they don't offer it falls back to us, and that's fine. The people who would be asked to a baby shower--not that I expect to have one--surely aren't people who are close enough to me for me to ever feel comfortable demanding they provide for my child (let alone for me, postpartum).

As others have said, the people you are really close to are going to ask what you need. Feel free to tell them. But don't expect, say, your partner's Great Aunt Sally to buy anything more than a nice blanket.
post #39 of 86
Ah now I am reconnecting with the reasons why I never liked the ideas of showers anyway. Am actually registering today. I think I will now think of it as my shopping list for the baby, not anyone elses. Showers and registries are obviously a loaded subject for many.
post #40 of 86
i am always so shocked by these shower threads.

i realize that "manners" are regional/cultural/generational and there is a wide spread of what's right and wrong.

in my region/culture/generation, it is profoundly rude to NOT purchase off the registry (if you plan to give a gift, going giftless to a shower is fine) unless your gift is handmade or some other kind of special, unregisterable item. if you feel absolutely compelled to buy a cute outfit or toy, it usually accompanies something the person has registered for or a gift certificate for the registry.

i view showers as an opportunity to celebrate a new life, the parents, and, as a community, help provide for the many needs of a new baby. just like a wedding, life changes radically, and it is a privilege to be part of a supporting community to help people move into a new season of life.

without knowing what people need, i am just wasting money, regardless of my good wishes.

ETA: to the OP, i really liked the way you worded your request in the first post. the people who are coming to your shower and plan to bring a gift care enough about you to know your family is struggling. i would not hesitate to express your true need or have your MIL express that to invitees for you. it's not greedy when people are OFFERING. most shower guests come offering something and will spend their money in some way.
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