When someone else's kid pushes your dc

[Louisep]

What do you do? I'm losing count of the number of times an older kid has deliberately pushed over my son who has done nothing to aggravate other than stand nearby. Really hoping ds doesn't pick up this behavior! So far I've been too stunned to act. What would you do?

[mamazee]

When you say "older kid" do you mean toddler? Because it isn't uncommon for toddlers to go through pushing phases (or biting or hitting phases for that matter), and it's something they outgrow as they become more verbal.

If the child is three or up I'd let the parent know. But if it's happening a lot, I bet it's 18-month-olds to 30-month-olds or there abouts.

edited to add - I know the bigger toddlers can look scary when you have a baby or a young toddler, but they aren't much past babyhood themselves.

[Thalia the Muse]

Toddlers and preschoolers just tend to push each other and littler kids a lot -- it's a fact of life! I wouldn't be surprised if your son does it too when he's a little bigger.

None of which means it isn't upsetting when someone does it to your baby! I always just said "Gentle! No pushing!" and separated the kids. Is this at the playground without the other parent in evidence? If there's a really aggressive kid, it's easier to just move your little one and, if necessary, interpose yourself physically. It is also OK to say "NO pushing!" in a stern voice and give the Glare of Death to repeat offenders.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by mamazee

edited to add - I know the bigger toddlers can look scary when you have a baby or a young toddler, but they aren't much past babyhood themselves.

Yes, this is so true! Funny, I was just acutely aware of this the other day. Some friends came over with their 17 month old, and I think they were absolutely horrified that not-quite 2.5 yr old ds was grabbing toys from her. They kept try to reason with him as though he was his older sister's age (5.5). I realized that to them, in comparison with their 1 yr old, he must have seemed like a "big kid". I just did my best at redirecting and keeping them both occupied.

In the OPs situation I think it would make a big difference if, say, a 4 yr old is pushing down a young toddler. But it sounds likely that these are indeed older toddlers who are doing the pushing. This is normal, they are not "mean", but still, it's not ok for them to be pushing. I would be careful to stick close to my little one so I could swoop in to intervene at the first sign that there *might* be pushing about to happen. If an older one does push I would do what a pp suggested and gently say something along the lines of "no pushing, pushing hurts". That is, assuming the other parent isn't stepping in themselves. I certainly wouldn't feel bad abut saying something myself.

[Louisep]

Yeah, they're older toddlers but it still really gets to me! I wonder "where did they learn that behavior"? It's like it just gets perpetuated down the generations when it's totally unnecessary. Or maybe I'm wrong - do you think it's natural instinct not learned behavior?

At least DS just shrugs it off and doesn't even cry. He's like "what was THAT"?!

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by Louisep

Yeah, they're older toddlers but it still really gets to me! I wonder "where did they learn that behavior"? It's like it just gets perpetuated down the generations when it's totally unnecessary. Or maybe I'm wrong - do you think it's natural instinct not learned behavior?

At least DS just shrugs it off and doesn't even cry. He's like "what was THAT"?!

Honestly, they probably didn't learn it anywhere - some toddlers just push other kids. Given some time, there's also a chance that your son will one day push another kid - not to necessarily be mean, just because he's a normal kid.

[mamazee]

It is an innate thing. They aren't able to discuss or problem solve when there's a problem. It's just a toddler thing. Dont' feel bad if it happens to your toddler becasue it happens to a LOT of them. My dd was a pusher and outgrew it without any real discipline or anything really quickly, but I was a helicopter mom during that phase to protect other kids. They outgrow it, but IMO that's what the parents of the toddlers going through that should be doing - protecting others from the normal toddler aggression.

[Thalia the Muse]

In terms of impulse control, frustration tolerance, and empathy, a toddler is a just a big, mobile baby. If they want something, the majority are going to push, hit, or knock over whatever's standing between them and the object of their desire -- at least occasionally. It's totally natural behavior and does not need to be learned!

[One_Girl]

Is he getting in their space and getting pushed or just randomly getting pushed? Toddlers may look like they are playing with other kids, but they are actually playing around other kids (parallel play) and many do not like other kids entering their space. It was a natural reaction to people invading her space. I can see pushing being a reaction to that to. If you are in playgroups with parents who aren't redirecting their toddler or trying to prevent this, then I think you should consider finding another playgroup or waiting until he is older to do group activities.

[pianojazzgirl]

I agree with other posters - I think in most cases toddlers exhibiting pushing behaviour is normal, not necessarily "learned", but just one way that they might naturally find to express frustration or anger. I know my dd did her share of pushing at one point in her toddlerhood, and she had never had that behaviour modeled by anyone else (unlike her younger brother who, unfortunately, has had that behaviour modeled by his older sister ). It's too bad that the other moms aren't more on the ball about stepping in to catch the pushing before it happens (that would certainly be the ideal, though not always possible), or to redirect and teach their little ones other means of expression when it does happen.

[Breeder]

Generally I would just pick up my munchkin, give him a kiss and move him away from the pusher.

Because as everyone has said, some toddlers naturally just push. They don't have the skills to negotiate with other kids, they are still very very very little (even if they don't look it next to your little bit).

I know its hard seeing your little one get knocked around, but don't be terribly surprised if he's the one doing the knocking next year.

[starling&diesel]

We go to a few places where this happens ... family centre, kinder gym, park. I say, "Gentle, please," to first time pushers, and if it happens more than once, I remove DD to another area. There are a couple of exceptionally 'pushy' kids at once place we go to (both three years old, both toy-grabbers, toy-throwers, and kickers) and the parents/nanny are on top of them pretty much.