SO says pregnancy is a turn off - Page 2

[ciga]

Originally Posted by jsh7809

On a more serious note, I have struggled at times during this pregnancy with feeling like I want to be intimate, as a way to connect (and, um, for other reasons ) with my partner, and he mostly doesn't because of my physical condition. Even when he says it in a kind and gentle way (which is communication - unlike "your body is a turn off", which is more of a foot in the mouth situation!), I have occasionally felt really really hurt and rejected. It can be a really fragile time, hormones depending, and I'm so used to him being the one that wants to more than me (due to our regular sex drive discrepancies), that it is a bit shocking, and a sign that things have really changed.
I can't imagine if he was hurtful and so offhand with his remarks, as the OP's DH was. I would be pissed and defensive too! Hope you guys can work it out.

I've had a similar experience though my husband is kind enough to at least claim that his diminished libido isn't about finding me unattractive and is more about his own worries about becoming a father and the distraction of knowing that the baby is right there between us. If he ever said anything like the OPs husband I would be beyond hurt as well.
It's hard enough to deal with a partner who's sex drive isn't matching yours without cruel comments. I think there is a difference between being honest and being thoughtless.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by chattyprincess

I told my dh (when he brought this up the end of my LAST pregnancy) that I found him highly unattractive whenever he spoke so guess who was gonna get prettier faster....of course it wasn't very nice but it was the middle of july (I deliverd july 26)with no heat and I was miserable enough as it was...sorry buddy I want this baby out your gonna have to shut your eyes and help out and do your part...
Seriously do thier brains just reset to insensitive every morning while we are pregnant?

My dh has said something similar to me. Not unattractive, just...weird or something. I told him to deal with it.

[bendmom]

tri31~ Maybe you could see it as he feels close enough to you to be honest about what's going on inside him. I know I have a tendancy to try and say something and it comes out harsh, or European as my friend puts it. As harsh as it sounds, men sometimes dont have the ability to speak with the loving kindness of a female. Not all, but some, and we all do it at some time.

My SO won't have sex with me anymore, won't "really" kiss me, or let me get him started because he's afraid where it might lead. He's afraid it might hurt me, he actually told me yesterday he thinks it might not work anymore! I know in part he's put off by the fact that there's a child that he can feel move inside of me. That's great, I get that, totally. But yesterday he pointed out two young, attractive women. One was running by, thin, blond, big boobs. I started crying at the end of the day that he doesn't want to have sex with me but can point out attractive women and their physical appearance. He opologized, but it still feels yucky. I think he just seeing women with my old body. It will come back, hopefully he won't say he can't have sex because there's a child sleepinng in the next room.

But at least he's honest, right?

[MiaMama]

My husband was hesitant at the end of our first pregnancy, because he was wary of inducing the baby to come early...

I was trying to jump him every chance I got.

He sure learned his lesson postpartum, when due to hormones or whatever, it took me about 9 more months to really be interested again.

This time around, he's getting it while he can.

On a side note, shortly after I delivered, I saw some commercial with models in it, and caught myself thinking "why do those women think they are so hot? Their bellies are all weird and FLAT! Blech!"

[emnic77]

I'm sorry.
When I was pregnant with my DD, I was 21 years old...I weighed 100 lbs soaking wet before my pregnancy, all my weight gain was in my boobs and belly, but her dad (my boyfriend at the time) was utterly repulsed by me. He wouldn't touch me for months, and when I tried he was not subtle at hiding his disgust. It was a surprise pregnancy, I was vulnerable and scared and my self-esteem had already taken a licking (I had decided to drop out of college and was feeling very down about that) and him essentially rejecting me was the last straw. I never really got over that, and neither did our relationship (though we are good friends now, and I can tell him frankly that he better not pull that crap again whenever his wife gets pregnant, or he's going to hurt her terribly).

It feels absolutely horrible to go through such tremendous changes, both physically and emotionally, and then be made to feel like you are repulsive. I'm really sorry.

[eclipse]

You know, I'm not generally an advocate of violence, but. . . Anyhow, I would have a really hard time forgiving someone who said something like that to me

[darkblue0729]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Grrrrrrrrr.

When I hear that mamas have to hear crap like that I get so PO'ed!
Sorry you had to hear that from your SO mama.

[matey]

If DH said something like that to me, he would hear about it for a long time after. I dont buy the "at least he was honest, lucky you" bs. That's just plain insensitive.

[bendmom]

No, not "lucky you". Just, at least he's honest. Sometimes honesty hurts more than just keeping it inside and not saying anything at all.

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by bendmom

No, not "lucky you". Just, at least he's honest. Sometimes honesty hurts more than just keeping it inside and not saying anything at all.

Which is exactly why he should have kept it inside and said nothing at all. Seriously, what did he gain here? What benefit is there to anyone in this relationship by saying something like that? All he has done is damaged the OP and probably also their relationship. He might feel good about himself, but he doesn't get to worry only about himself anymore.

[Honey693]

My husband did the same thing. I felt kind of bad, but I see his point. Pregnancy is just not what gets him going. I was honestly glad he told me. Once I knew it was the huge belly with a living person inside and not just me I felt a lot less rejected that he'd been turning down sex with no explanation. Pregnant sex just doesn't do it for some men and I'd rather know my DH is one of them instead of freaking out thinking I'm annoying or something every time he turned down sex.

[RedOakMomma]

It's all in how you say it, though. Obviously the OP's feelings were hurt, which means that her husband probably didn't use the kind of approach he needed to.

I'm all for honesty in a relationship (and I agree with bendmom...there really is something to be said for a relationship so honest that a husband could come to a wife with his feelings/insecurities about having sex while his wife is pregnant), but it doesn't sound like this "honesty" was shared in a loving way, or in a way that took the OP's feelings into account.

Dh is also known for body/sex blunders, though he tries. Halfway through one of my nursing periods (which tend to go on for a few years...yay extended nursing), dh finally caved and told me that he just doesn't feel attracted to my breasts when I'm nursing. I could tell it was pretty rough for him to finally cough THAT one up, but I'm glad he did. I'd been wondering why he'd been avoiding them, or why his usual breast enthusiasm (to put it mildly) seemed gone. I mean, it had been going on for over a year!! I kept wondering if it was something about me, or about how I looked, or if it was about being close, or if something was wrong....nope. It's just that, when he saw our sons nursing constantly, and when there was milk in my breasts, he saw them as something non-sexual. Can't really blame him there.

If my husband said something hurtful about intimacy and my body at 36 weeks pregnant, I'd be crushed. And what's worse is that labor is so close, and the newborn period is so close, and what I'd want at that time is to feel like I could really lean on my spouse, really feel close and secure...being told I was a turn-off is the opposite of what I'd need to feel secure, loved, and supported. That's not a time to crush your wife or partner.

[ivymae]

To me, it would be the intimacy i would miss. There are loads of ways to be intimate without having sex, so if sex is off the table (for any number of reasons - lack of interest, bedrest, etc) then it is just a challenge to find other ways to be intimate and connected to your partner, so they feel valued. If he is weirded out by the bump (which, honestly, I get, it weirds me out too towards the end) then he needs to find ways to bridge that intimacy gap with you. He also needs to get his tact filter checked, since yeah, he's lucky that hormonal woman + an insulting comment didn't equal a shoe thrown at his head.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by ivymae

To me, it would be the intimacy i would miss. There are loads of ways to be intimate without having sex, so if sex is off the table (for any number of reasons - lack of interest, bedrest, etc) then it is just a challenge to find other ways to be intimate and connected to your partner, so they feel valued. If he is weirded out by the bump (which, honestly, I get, it weirds me out too towards the end) then he needs to find ways to bridge that intimacy gap with you. He also needs to get his tact filter checked, since yeah, he's lucky that hormonal woman + an insulting comment didn't equal a shoe thrown at his head.

I was trying to post on this thread earlier and gave up due to vocabulary frustration, but this is exactly what I was trying to say.

I suspect my dh is one of those who is less than aroused by a pg body, though he has been kind enough (and smart enough) not to say so. BUT, he has still found other ways to be intimate with me - cuddling, rubbing my back, rubbing my belly, etc., so I don't feel personally rejected by his feelings. I know it is temporary, he still loves me, and is not repulsed by my body in general - just doesn't get aroused by it either.

And yes, imo the comment by the OP's SO was unnecessarily insulting, cruel, and hurtful. There are much nicer ways to say something similar. And, frankly, not every situation requires complete honesty. I hope he has the sense to bring flowers, ice cream, and a romatic movie home tonight. Or that he really really enjoys sleeping on his sofa.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl

I can't help but think a man who has an issue with my pregnant body would also have an issue with my postpartum body. A woman's body after she has had children simply isn't the same as it is before. A conversation like the one described in the OP would send up a huge red flag for me.

It sounds like the OP's dh said things in a pretty insensitive way, but I wouldn't assume that a man with libido issues while you're pregnant is obviously a jerk.

My dh (who is one of the best, imho) wasn't that turned on by me at the end of my pregnancy. It wasn't that he thought *I* wasn't attractive, just the fact that I was pregnant...there was a big bump in the way...he felt like he was bumping the baby (tmi, I know)...it was hard to find a position that was comfortable...I dunno, I kind of forget now.

He still loved me. He still thought I was very beautiful (and he told me so). But for him it just wasn't a sexy thing. And he wasn't ogling other women either, which helped. And he was happy (or at least willing? I can't remember ) to oblige if I initiated things.

I think for us it came up because he wasn't initiating nearly as much as he used to and I was feeling sad and unattractive...so I asked him why. So he told me honestly and gently that the end of pregnancy just wasn't a turn on for him. But that he still loved me and thought I was beautiful. And it helped me feel better to know where he was coming from.

AND, he thinks my postpartum body is great and very sexy...saggy nursing boobs, poochy extra tummy skin and all (those are MY descriptions of my body...not his!).

Anyway, I'm not saying people don't have a right to be pissed off if their dh says something insensitive about this, but don't think people should automatically assume their man is a big jerk if his libido is lower when they're pregs.

[lunarlady]

So sorry your SO couldn't find a nicer way to phrase things! Sometimes, honesty is the best policy, but there is a time and place for things too, and it sounds like throwing that out when you were "in the mood" was the wrong time! Not everyone finds pregnancy a turn on. I find myself less sexy pregnant, although DH thinks I'm sexy as ever. But it is harder to get me in the mood and he suffers because of it. (He asks if he's less attractive since I'm not interested). Too bad your SO couldn't find a gentle way to communicate that!

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by Carlyle

It sounds like the OP's dh said things in a pretty insensitive way, but I wouldn't assume that a man with libido issues while you're pregnant is obviously a jerk.

He's not necessarily a jerk because he's not turned on by her when pregnant. He's a jerk because of how rudely he communicated it to her. Being baldly told "Pregnancy is a turn-off" with no concern for her feelings is just not. good. And yeah, a guy who acted toward me like that while I was in an emotionally fragile state (which most of us are while extremely pregnant) would make me think the problem was a little deeper-seated.

[number572]

Originally Posted by chichimamma

Really? You thought that was a good idea to share with me at 36 weeks? A good time to tell me is either BEFORE getting pg... or NEVER. I feel like sh*t now, thank you very much and my sex drive is high.

Not happy. at. all. just a rant I suppose, as there is really no solution for this.

~Suzanne

The solution is a BOB (lol) and a reply to your partner about how insensitive and untimely his/her comments were! Or, if you play games, you could tell him/her that your biggest turnoff is lack of intuition, sensitivity, etc. What was he/she thinking? Really? Thats just so rude to say! Sorry you had to hear that from your partner. Probably was meant in a different tone, hopefully!