a playful parenting response to being screamed at by my 3yo?

[twin_mama]

I have the book Playful Parenting reserved at the library but could use some help in the meantime. My almost 3yo is starting to scream at me a lot lately.

Usually it goes something like this:

DD - Mom...I want xyz (said in that lovely I whiny voice)

Me - No, you can't have xyz right now because of abc.

DD - MOM!!! I want xyz!

Me - No, I just said that you can't have xyz because of abc.

DD - MOM!!! I WANT XYZ!!!!

Me - Noelle! I already told you no becau-

DD - MOM!!!! MOM!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!


You know....something like that.

I love DD very much but she has been really difficult for me from the beginning. Her twin sister is a breeze to parent compared to her (which I TRY not to do because I know it's not fair).

I feel like our relationship really suffers because my patience with her is so thin.

Any advice on how to handle this situation?

[onyxravnos]

the book: how to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk is fantastic!!!

one of the things they would suggest would be to play pretend be like "oh i would like that too! maybe we could 'something a little silly with it' amd just do that thing

[Minxie]

I offer such gems as:

"I will be glad to listen to you when your voice is calm like mine."

"I am not raising a howler monkey; I am raising a civilized human being."

"I cannot hear you when you scream; it makes my ears hurt."

"Your ears MUST be tired; let's get you home so they can take a nap!"

And, of course, the song:

"'I want, I want' never gets
'I want' never gets!

Come on, everybody sing!"

The key is the love and smile that accompanies these. When I am calm, happy and joking, DS is much more accepting. When he isn't, he usually IS tired (or hungry or...) HTH

[Juvysen]

I tend to go the "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" approach, too...

Something like "mom, I want XYZ" and I explain why not, then the child repeats it and I say something like "wow, you really DO want xyz... I like xyz too, it's delicious, but right now ABC..." sort of acknowledging you hear them by sort of repeating and discussing? It worked really well on my daughter at that age, but not as well on my son (who prefers to not listen to a word I'm saying anyway...)

[coryy]

yeah, i do all of the above. unless i have no patience. then i adopt the most whiny, naggy, kid voice i can, and i parrot back to them:

"nooooooo. i said you cannnnnnnnnnn't. stop AAAAAAASking meeeeeeeeee the whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeee voice drives me crazeeeeeeeeeeee....

they are usually so surprised they crack up laughing.

(you should see the looks i get in the stores---mommmmeee can i have one pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.....no, i have to get the vegieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees onleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)



or we switch roles. i say, ok, i be the kid and you tell me "no". they LOVE that one.

hope it helps!

[Belia]

Originally Posted by coryy

yeah, i do all of the above. unless i have no patience. then i adopt the most whiny, naggy, kid voice i can, and i parrot back to them:

"nooooooo. i said you cannnnnnnnnnn't. stop AAAAAAASking meeeeeeeeee the whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeee voice drives me crazeeeeeeeeeeee....

they are usually so surprised they crack up laughing.

(you should see the looks i get in the stores---mommmmeee can i have one pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.....no, i have to get the vegieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees onleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

I am TOTALLY not judging you or anything, but I am new to this and have an honest question. How do you keep your kids from feeling like you're making fun of them or mocking them? I don't think I can articulate my concerns well, but I could see how doing that could cross some kind of line.

[Grace and Granola]

I just have to commiserate with you because I have the same 3yo, along with the long-strained relationship and breezey sibling!

[nanamar]

Originally Posted by Heatherb917

I just have to commiserate with you because I have the same 3yo, along with the long-strained relationship and breezey sibling!

me too, thanks for asking! great suggestions ladies, i will try some tomorrow, before she sends me to the looney bin...

[mtbmomma]

I would say something like "we can't have xyz, but what do you think we could do instead that could make you happy?" Get them involved in the solution and give them an alternative project. For instance, if you are going into the store and know they will want cookies... then say before hand we are going to the store to pick up this and that. I need you to help me find a type of this (fruit...). Three year olds especially love jobs.

I have a babe to nurse to sleep now, but I'll see if I can think of anything else.

[sapphire_chan]

:
And when they're pre-verbal and just scream "xyz, xyz, xyz, xyz!!!" and all they get out of "I know you want xyz, but abc" is "xyz"?

All my parenting skills are aimed at 3 year olds.

[mamazee]

Often what helps me is if I can find a way to say it in a positive instead of negative way. So, "No you can't have a cookie because it's almost dinner" can be "you can have one after dinner." Or if that isn't practical due to the specifics, "I'd like to do abc too. I wish we could."

Sometimes they just want empathy at that point, so the "I wish we could" can really help. It's kind of like when I complain to my dh and he tries to fix whatever I'm complaining about, but I don't want him to try to fix it, I just want him to hear my complain and to empathize with me. I think it's sometimes the same way for kids. Sometimes they know they can't have something and just want empathy. "I understand you want candy for dinner. I wish candy was healthy so we could eat it for meals. Wouldn't that be fun?"

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Often what helps me is if I can find a way to say it in a positive instead of negative way. So, "No you can't have a cookie because it's almost dinner" can be "you can have one after dinner." Or if that isn't practical due to the specifics, "I'd like to do abc too. I wish we could."

Sometimes they just want empathy at that point, so the "I wish we could" can really help. It's kind of like when I complain to my dh and he tries to fix whatever I'm complaining about, but I don't want him to try to fix it, I just want him to hear my complain and to empathize with me. I think it's sometimes the same way for kids. Sometimes they know they can't have something and just want empathy. "I understand you want candy for dinner. I wish candy was healthy so we could eat it for meals. Wouldn't that be fun?"

This is what we do as well! (a tip on that though is to be fully present when saying it - don't carry on doing whatever you want and sigh it to your child - they want your full attention in these situations - they want to know you really do care and empathise with them and are really listening and you can't be doing that if you are watching tele or carry on reading a book or whatever - stop and look at them).

At the moment - a lot of what my son 'wants' he can certainly have - but it just requires a bit of patience on his part whilst I sort it all out. So instead of saying 'No, I need to do this and this and then...'... I simply rephrase that positivly - 'Sure! - That sounds great! ...I tend to not add 'once I finish ...' because that is usually unhelpful and results in a 'No...NOOOOwwwwwwww' whiney voice - he can clearly see what I am doing (like washing the dishes or having a poo! lol) so there is no need to let him know 'once I finish' with that. lol

[ASusan]

Originally Posted by Belia

I am TOTALLY not judging you or anything, but I am new to this and have an honest question. How do you keep your kids from feeling like you're making fun of them or mocking them? I don't think I can articulate my concerns well, but I could see how doing that could cross some kind of line.

I think this can be determined on the age/stage/personality of the child - and their reaction, of course. If they keep on fussing - or it increases - you can pretty quickly tell that they're not ready for a teasing response. If the response is laughter - great!, you have a new strategy. If at least the whining stops, you can sort of follow their mood. It's not a strategy I'd use every time, but it's a part of the bag-o-tricks.

My mother was mimicking DS when he was a year old, whining or fussing back to him. I asked her to stop. I didn't think DS was old enough to recognize what she was doing - or have the self control to stop his fussing, even if he did understand why she was fussing back. I also didn't like to listed to her fuss! At this young age, I prefer empathy - a mirroring back of, "You're sad. You want to be held but mommy can't lift you right now. Here's a hug..." (my back was recovering from surgery when mom was visiting during the example)