My ex-husband died of a drug overdose last April at 27 years old. He had a lot of problems, and was causing a lot of distress in my daughters' lives, but of course these things kind of fade away after tragedy. The girls are doing well, a lot better than I expected, but I would like to just kind of check in with experienced people to see what they think about a few things. The girls are now 7 and 8.
First, obviously I had some major issues with their dad. In the last years before our divorce he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and in the years after he seemed to relish making me miserable any way he could. So I often feel like I'm not the best person to be grieving along with the girls, because I feel kind of like I'm faking it... Not that I don't think it was terribly sad, or miss the person he was before he started experiencing mental health problems, but I can't help but feel some measure of relief for myself (which makes me feel guilty). Their dad's family is pretty much out of the picture and always have been, so it's kind of up to me and my family to help them through this. I don't know what I'm looking for in talking about this, but it bugs me so I kind of wanted to get it off my chest, and who knows, maybe get some insight.
Second, I had initially taken the girls to some counseling but stopped for financial reasons (along with the fact that they seemed to be doing so well). Now the year anniversary is coming up and I'm just kind of wondering if I should find some way to let them grieve outside of home, with other people, and if anyone had any good ideas to share.
Third, I haven't told the girls what killed their dad. They know it was the same thing that he was in the hospital for a few months before his death, but not that it was also a drug overdose. They often express confusion about how someone so young and seemingly healthy could just die suddenly. Initially, I was also kept unaware of what had happened by his family, who told me they didn't know what had happened, but that it was probably related to over-exertion. But I requested the coroner's report, and then had to decide how to lie to the girls, which I hate. When (should?) I tell them what really happened? It's an awful thing to find out, but I would hate for them to find out some other way than me telling them. I worry that it will make them angry with their dad and lose respect for him.
On the other hand, I used drugs as a teenager and had some pretty awful experiences, and obviously what happened with their dad makes me feel like it might be good for them to know to keep them from going down that road themselves, but would it?
First, obviously I had some major issues with their dad. In the last years before our divorce he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and in the years after he seemed to relish making me miserable any way he could. So I often feel like I'm not the best person to be grieving along with the girls, because I feel kind of like I'm faking it... Not that I don't think it was terribly sad, or miss the person he was before he started experiencing mental health problems, but I can't help but feel some measure of relief for myself (which makes me feel guilty). Their dad's family is pretty much out of the picture and always have been, so it's kind of up to me and my family to help them through this. I don't know what I'm looking for in talking about this, but it bugs me so I kind of wanted to get it off my chest, and who knows, maybe get some insight.
Second, I had initially taken the girls to some counseling but stopped for financial reasons (along with the fact that they seemed to be doing so well). Now the year anniversary is coming up and I'm just kind of wondering if I should find some way to let them grieve outside of home, with other people, and if anyone had any good ideas to share.
Third, I haven't told the girls what killed their dad. They know it was the same thing that he was in the hospital for a few months before his death, but not that it was also a drug overdose. They often express confusion about how someone so young and seemingly healthy could just die suddenly. Initially, I was also kept unaware of what had happened by his family, who told me they didn't know what had happened, but that it was probably related to over-exertion. But I requested the coroner's report, and then had to decide how to lie to the girls, which I hate. When (should?) I tell them what really happened? It's an awful thing to find out, but I would hate for them to find out some other way than me telling them. I worry that it will make them angry with their dad and lose respect for him.
On the other hand, I used drugs as a teenager and had some pretty awful experiences, and obviously what happened with their dad makes me feel like it might be good for them to know to keep them from going down that road themselves, but would it?
