He keeps getting sent home from preschool...

[Mom'n it]

UGH! I'm constantly getting called to pick him up from preschool. He's hitting other kids. Doesn't want to listen (what 4 year old does?) and wants to do his own thing. While I respect him wanting to do his own thing, and recognize a four year old has no idea what authority is and doesn't feel the need to follow directions, I'm at a loss at what to do. Is preschool too much for him? Anyone else have a high energy/independent kid with any tools/tips to help me? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[griffin2004]

What is the preschool doing to help him with the hitting and listening? Do they have any suggestions for you to think about implementing at home?

In my limited experience, I think a 4 y.o. actually does (or can) have an idea what authority is and how to follow what are probably some simple instructions.

How many children are in his class and how many teachers? When my DD had trouble in daycare, it always related to there being too many kids in the class. I think she got sensory overload.

[vermontgirl]

Hi there,

It may just be that your child is not quite ready for the preschool environment. I would give him some time to move past this phase in life and try it again when you feel he is doing much better. It can't be very good for his self esteem to be sent home regularly as a result of his behavior. he probably feels like the bad kid that people don't want to be around. Try to keep him home if that is where he feels safe and comfortable and work with him on respecting and listening to people. He will get better, and then you can see if he is ready to go back to school.

-Hannah

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At four, they DO know what athourity is, and they CAN play without hitting, and they CAN listen. Very few four year olds actually aren't capable of all of that.

That doesn't mean that YOUR four year old can. It doesn't have to mean that he's agressive and defiant. It might mean that he needs another year to mature before trying pre-school again next year. Some kids just need "one more year". Especially if he will be old enough for kindergarten in the fall, it would be unfair to send him to kindergarten if he still needs another year to play.

I knew my daughter was not as mature as the kids in her "grade" even when she was three. She was going to have a hard time in school if I didn't hold her out one more year. That year made all the difference in the world to her. I'm glad I did it.

As for why the preschool is sending him home, maybe they just aren't equipped to handle behavior issues? If that is the case, perhaps a different type of preschool would be better for him? Not all school settings are going to be a good fit for all kids. You might look into other learning enviroments and see if a different enviroment would be better for him. Some kids are best in a "play based" school, and some kids are best in an academic based school.

[Kuba'sMama]

I mean this as kindly as possible, but when you say "what 4 year old does?" it makes me think that you don't think he is capable of listening and not hitting. Could it be that your own attitude regarding this matter is making him think that you condone this type of behaviour? Kids are very perceptive and they know what our expectations are of them. Even if very subtly you are letting on that you expect a 4 year old not to listen to authority, he will pick up on it.
I would talk to the school first to see how they treat his misbehaviour. Then if you were called again I would convey to him that you are not pleased and that it's not ok. He is old enough to understand, trust me.

[umsami]

One thing that comes to mind is how long is the preschool day? Is it 2 hours or longer? Can you cut back to a shorter day, if possible?

What is the make-up of the class? Mostly boys? Mostly girls? Even mix?

How many teachers and paraprofessionals per room?

You can work on listening and appropriate ways to handle not getting your way at home. Especially the hitting stuff, you can do with make believe scenarios. Let's pretend that I took your toy, what would you do? Then work on the appropriate (nonviolent) response. If your DS gives it, then praise him, etc. Sounds dorky, but works.

[ssh]

In my DD's preschool class the teacher deals really well with non-participation issues and conflict. It's a co-op where the parents have to be parent helpers 8 times a year and are welcome to stay with their child in class at any time, so I've seem how discipline is handled first hand. Many 4 year olds still hit when stressed and minor hitting, pushing or grabbing wouldn't get a kid sent home from our preschool. Persistent violence, really hurting other kids, or destroying stuff probably would. One thing they have encouraged is loudly telling some one 'no' or 'stop' if they are doing something you don't like. It could be that the preschool your DS is in isn't a good fit. My DD's class has 16 3 and newly turned 4 year olds and has 3 to 4 adults in there all the time. Their discipline is very hands on, consistent and non-punitive.

[Tjej]

I think any normally developing 4 yo is capable of knowing what authority is and of not hitting others on a regular basis. You can expect a lot more of your son and he will likely step up and fulfill those expectations. I think most 2 yo are capable of it as well (with more slip ups, of course, but the general framework of understanding is able to be there).

As far as wanting to do his own thing - our friend's little boy was like that in preschool and the school did generally just let him do his own thing. He was allowed to miss circle time and whatever, as long as he was not being disruptive, and they did continue to invite him to participate. So you may want to talk with the preschool about how they approach that sort of thing and see if there is a school that can handle him differently. BUT, a year later I am not sure that the "let him do what he wants" approach really helped him get ready for Kindergarten, where he is expected to do what they say, and is having a harder time doing that because he didn't really have that expectation/practice last year.

Tjej