mothering disintegrated

[junipermoon]

Sometimes I feel like my homeschooled, AP'ed children are maturing within some kind of warped, overly safe, temperature controlled learning laboratory that they never leave. Play kitchen. Indoor swing/slide for the toddler. I counted more than 90 high gloss baby board books this morning while organizing. Outside our house are rolling hills and cornfields. Two visible neighbors, but at a distance. We go out twice a day to walk around and play. I wonder how ok it is for kids to grow up so sheltered?

We moved here the better part of a year ago, and for the first time, my kids aren't regularly in contact with children from violent or dysfunctional families that they have befriended on the street.

They do still have friends but now that they are all homeschooling and we are in the country the playdates they have are totally within our control so they are in sheltered environments when they leave our house, too.

I thought I wanted this, but now I am like, hmmmmm. My heart hurts to see how much privilege we have--not economically so much as we are not upper income--but my h is a college professor and we do have things and good shelter and beautiful surroundings and ample resources (degrees etc) for generating more income if we decided that was what we wanted. But we deliver this abundance to only our 3 children.

It makes me so want to adopt again, put out a craigslist ad offering shelter to a struggling young family, etc. In my saner moments. When I am feeling more restless I investigate the cost of plane tickets out of the global north and think about when and how I want to lead my family into a life of service, simplicity, and balance.

And then you know what happens? I start thinking about my youngest, who is not vaxed, and worry about taking him out of the country. My oldest after all almost died when we were in India, years ago, and that was with travel vaxes and all routine shots UTD. This stops me in my tracks and I decide to wait--I decide not to consider moving out of this culture that I feel generally alienated from and even decide not to take a vacation from it.

Does anyone else feel caught in a circle of wanting to keep your children safe on the one hand but wondering, on the other hand, how spiritually or emotionally "safe" or sustainable the life of western privilege really is, in the end, in the context of a world that is hurting directly because of the ways that we generally lead our western lives?

My heart for my children and my heart for my world seem to be in conflict. It's excruciating. How do all of you mamas here handle these tensions?

[Maluhia]

You bring up a great point and honestly, I write about it and I try to keep my DD really aware of what it means to be privdledged and keep her involved in what we do "for" the rest of the world. For us that means doing small-scale projects (writing cards to her grandparents asking them to recycle - my DD is obsessed with saving the rainforest) and having honest conversations with her about what impact and American "lifestyle" has on the rest of the world.

[dogretro]

Yup, I do know what you mean. We do live in a city & there are lots of kids (some from "bad" homes) that play outside in our neighborhood, & we are foster parents, so I know my kids won't be sheltered from the bad stuff. But, yeah, we have lots of toys, clothes, books, food, etc. We can't travel to other countries right now b/c we can't afford to (I ran the wwoof idea past dh & he said a vacation for him does not involve work ). The reality is, though, we live in America, so we live like Americans. We work to be v aware of what we are doing, but we do live in a society structure that is much larger than we are and that functions a certain way. I sometimes struggle b/c I really believe that my calling is to be a mother: biologically, thru adoption, and thru foster care. So I remind myself that Martin Luther King, Jr had a great-great-great grandmother. What did she do in her life? I have no idea, but she birthed and raised babies, without whom there would have been no MLK.

[nerdymom]

Why not try to reach out to the people in your community who need it? It's ok to have nice things and to live above the poverty line. I don't think that we ought to feel guilty for the privileged lives we lead as Americans. I come from a blue collar family, and I'm thankful that I'm able to live a middle class life. I have more resources at my disposal now than my parents, grandparents or great-grandparents had at my age and stage of life. That doesn't mean that I need to feel guilty, but rather blessed. And I try not to forget how good I have it. I try to bless other people with my blessings. We try to give 10% of our income to the church, which in turn is poured back into our community. I try to be a good steward of our resources so that I can help others. I got rid of most of my wardrobe and donated it instead of selling it. I gave a homeless man my last $2. I do what I can to help my friends and neighbors when they are in need, I bring them meals and go to their house and cook a bunch of things to put in their freezer when they are in their firs trimester and so sick but still have a husband and other kids to feed.

In your situation is there any way you can get your kids involved by setting $10 of your grocery budget aside, letting the kids pick out canned goods for the local food pantry or homeless shelter and then dropping it off with them? Having them pick one of their winter coats to donate? How about you check out the county library, ask the librarian if they need a few fancy board books, and donate some of your excess?

[ecoteat]

I absolutely know what you are talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me about her choices for school for her kids. Her oldest son was just about to graduate from the public school he went to from 1st to 8th grade. When he was little they almost put him in the Waldorf school, but decided it was too elitist, too removed from the whole community. And one thing she said that really struck me was, "I'm so glad he grew up with G," G being an example of a poor kid with lots of family and personal problems. Those two boys had little in common and never interacted outside of school, but they had some sort of valuable influence on each other.

[St. Margaret]

This is actually part of the reason we'll be homeschooling. I figure we can spend way more time getting out into the world and making a point of interacting across the social barriers reinforced by the school system. I'm reading NutureShock and it says being in an integrated environment by itself actually increases racist thinking by kids, but if parents talk about it specifically, you can break that down. So I'm hoping if we're intentional about things, we'll have more time and freedom to do things with/for those with less priviledge than us, volunteering, participating in organizations that are diverse, etc, as best we can. (I also kind of want to move to a place not with more diversity but where the diverse groups are better integrated, iykwim).

[Tjej]

I get what you are saying. DH and I are at a place where we are contemplating change. We might move to an urban center, or a rural community. I flop between wanting the inner-city reality and diversity and bike everywhere-ness, and the beauty, freedom and safety of rural life. I am torn between what homeschooling could be and what different school experiences would teach the kids. And the fact that we CAN flop between and consider what we want of it all is such a luxury.

Tjej

[dauphinette]

I guess I'm the only who finds this conversation a little....silly?
I mean if you want to reach out to people who need help they are only a short drive away from any of us. You don't need to go to another country to be of service to truely needing people.
And why would you feel bad for providing a safe, loving and thoughtful home environment for your children? That is I think the ultimate goal as a parent, not something to be guilty over. If other people can't provide that for their kids then that is the sad thing, not you trying the best you can to be a thoughtful loving mom.
If you want to interact more with people from all walks of life then just do it. It sounds like spiritually you want to be more useful, so take some time to ponder your strengths and then get out there and use them, if you are good with the elderly then take your kids to visit a nursing home a few times a week, you could learn songs each week and even teach your kids to play some intruments that they could play when you go.
If you are a good organizer then there are a number of churches that would love to have your skills for organizing different charitable services.....
and the list goes on and on....
You could be a big sister, a foster mom etc.
Vounteer at a local school, volunteer to bring your kids to clean up trash in local parks and natural spaces.

In summmary if you want to be something different, do something different.

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by ecoteat

I absolutely know what you are talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me about her choices for school for her kids. Her oldest son was just about to graduate from the public school he went to from 1st to 8th grade. When he was little they almost put him in the Waldorf school, but decided it was too elitist, too removed from the whole community. And one thing she said that really struck me was, "I'm so glad he grew up with G," G being an example of a poor kid with lots of family and personal problems. Those two boys had little in common and never interacted outside of school, but they had some sort of valuable influence on each other.

I'm trying to understand what in the world this could mean, but to me it just sounds so elitist and wierd....

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by St. Margaret

This is actually part of the reason we'll be homeschooling. I figure we can spend way more time getting out into the world and making a point of interacting across the social barriers reinforced by the school system.

This is a major reason we're homeschooling. I don't believe the school environment is necessary (or even beneficial) for helping make our values clear.

The biggest thing I'd caution against is focusing so much on global issues that it obscures the local ones. Global issues, especially poverty & hunger, can be too much for a child to understand, especially without having been to those places. It also starts to feel so frustrating because I cannot - my family cannot - solve all of the world's problems. Seeing progress is easier when it's local to us. The truth is that though the US is a wealthy nation, there are still people who live in deplorable conditions here. In our state (which is one of the nation's poorest), we have more than 500,000 homes without functioning kitchens or adequate indoor plumbing. That's close to home. My children can understand it. And I know how to go about helping.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by dauphinette

I'm trying to understand what in the world this could mean, but to me it just sounds so elitist and wierd....

It means that if they'd chosen Waldorf, which is expensive and requires significant time commitments from the whole family, that the child likely wouldn't have met this other child who became a wonderful friend. We can privilege our children out of wonderful experiences and relationships.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by junipermoon

Does anyone else feel caught in a circle of wanting to keep your children safe on the one hand but wondering, on the other hand, how spiritually or emotionally "safe" or sustainable the life of western privilege really is, in the end, in the context of a world that is hurting directly because of the ways that we generally lead our western lives?

I run a homeless shelter for people with mental illness. We see the most destitute, most hopeless people you can come into contact with and still be in America. We see massive drug addictions, debilitating psychiatric conditions, undernourished, lice-infested, destitution. We see the people every one else has thrown away.

My best staff members are the ones who came from priviledged households, who went to college on their parent's ticket, and who now choose to work with our population. I don't know that if my staff members' parents had uprooted them from America, taken them to Calcutta, and given them exposure to the poorest of the poor as children that it would have made them better staff members.

Just based on my own general observation, the children who had the safest, most "isolated" (if you will) upbringing turn out to be the people most compassionate and interested in the welfare of others. They are the ones volunteering for the peace corps or getting their degrees in social work.

Its like if you give them a really safe, secure environment without too much exposure to the frightening realities of the world at an early age, they then grow up with the capacity to handle those realities quite well, and with enormous empathy.

[Callimom]

subbing

[honey-lilac]

I had a very sheltered childhood, in a matter of speaking. Not in a good way, mind - my mother was almost fanatical religious and ridiculously overprotected me. I was NOT homeschooled but I was always shunned by all my peers because I was literally never allowed to go anywhere but to school and back, never allowed to have anything they had; no TV, no radio, no consumer stuff - which is fine, but made me an outcast. And my parents didn't expose me to child-friendly things either - we never did child-centered outings (ever); I never had "playdates" or even neighborhood kids to play with. (I was an only child too.) I was basically an invisible child along on their life. But to make up for that loneliness I developed a very rich inner imagination and all, so it wasn't all that bad, and I did get to spend my time reading and writing and being out in nature, so, whatever. And traveling too, we always had enough money to take extravagent vacations several times a year.

My husband grew up in the stark opposite environment. The grown-ups around him would do drugs around him, take him to NYC where they would basically set him loose to play on the streets (this was like, inner city area) when he was basically a toddler, he actually watched her mother's boyfriend get shot in front of him while they were in the same car, and he, at a very young age, picked up one of the guns they had lying around the back seat and tried to shoot the assailant... etc. Pornography was apparently OK to watch from as long as he could remember back, whereas I didn't know where babies came from until I was in my teens, and only then from a medical encyclopedia, etc. They would scour the streets for change so they could catch a bus to get some free food from the soup kitchen, etc.

We have clashed a number of times of how sheltered our kids should be. I would much, MUCH rather they live in a safe, healthy environment. I'm not nearly as crazy-fanatic as my parents were; my point isn't to hide life from them but rather to give them a safe childhood where they can be safe to be kids. I want them exposed to violence IN a way kids can handle - through fairy tales (slaying the dragons and such when they're little, then up and onwards as they get older) - but I'm not going to sit them down to watch some graphic war flick when they're two years old. (DH has no problem with that.) I am TOTALLY not body shy when it comes to nudity and we have already set the foundations for sex talks - but I'm not going to throw a porno on TV and say have a go at it kids, it's fun family fare. We don't have a lot of money to spare so thankfully we don't have to deal with the guilt of having TOO much but we always give thanks for what we DO have and we still collect change and such to put in our home's charity box for people who have less than we do.

We moved to this town where there is less chaos in the streets and such so that our kids can be safe from the harsh influences of where DH grew up (and where we were living for a while). When you're in that environment you spend energy trying to keep safe and to stay alive (if that doesn't sound too dramatic) and it does not allow the energy to cultivate the "higher" aspects of learning. I have lived on both ends of the spectrum and trust me, it's BETTER to raise your kids in a safe home - don't feel guilty about that, it's your job to protect them. Not only their physical well-being but also their mental well-being. Don't expose them to more than they need to handle when they're young out of privilige guilt.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

My best staff members are the ones who came from priviledged households, who went to college on their parent's ticket, and who now choose to work with our population. I don't know that if my staff members' parents had uprooted them from America, taken them to Calcutta, and given them exposure to the poorest of the poor as children that it would have made them better staff members.

It's probably true of your experience, but it's also true that many of the worst people come from those households as well. Many of the most insensitive, arrogant jerks I know had everything handed to them by Mom & Dad. I actually had a friend who had a breakdown at one point and left college for a while because he realized he couldn't handle adversity. He'd had such a privileged life, and Mom & Dad gave him everything, and it suddenly dawned on him that he was ill-prepared for life.

I *was* the kid who was abused and thrown away, and I can't tell you of any people of privilege who helped. I can tell you about 3 mandated reporters who knew of the abuse but didn't report. They all went home in their Mercedes to nice, warm, stable houses. The only person who ever reached out to me was a mom of 6 struggling to raise her own children.

So while I can appreciate the idea that people with MSWs are from privilege and have good intentions, I'm all too aware of the danger of molding people who don't reflect my values because they have too much. It's the single biggest parenting struggle I have.

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

It means that if they'd chosen Waldorf, which is expensive and requires significant time commitments from the whole family, that the child likely wouldn't have met this other child who became a wonderful friend. We can privilege our children out of wonderful experiences and relationships.

So because they chose public their kid has a "friendship", not even a take home friendship, but an at school semi-friendship with a poor/underpriveleged child and that makes it all worth while? What does that even mean?

[madskye]

It sounds like you feel alienated from the culture of consumerism, but you are realizing that you are comfortably buying right into it (with your massive board book stash!)?

I think there's no shame in living comfortably, but you need listen to your inner voice that is telling you that you might have taken things too far. Perhaps you needed to get your kids into that "bubble of safety" but now is time to seek out some volunteer opportunities where you can show them/teach them how blessed they are and perhaps some empathy and compassion for those who have less. I think having the choice to find a food bank to volunteer with regularly is a great thing. I would choose the ability to direct those experiences over having to deal with my child coming home from school asking about the "violent and dysfunctional" families they were in contact with at your last location.

If you want to reject the culture--do it! Stop buying. Keep on giving! Adopt another or look into something like the Fresh Air Fund and having a child stay with you in the summer--it sounds like your location is idyllic. If you're religious, do some mission work. If you're not, identify how you can make a difference in the community you are in and the world. I think a lot of people think they need to do something dramatic to make a difference (go to India) and no offense, but it's almost a cop out, because most people will never go. (You might, though!)

It's also tough when your kids are young to realize that they are old enough to understand things like homelessness, hunger, poverty...but I think if you make helping part of your reason of being it makes it more natural. You can make service a part of your lives, a la LITTLE WOMEN.

As far as privileged people vs non-privileged people growing up to be compassionate...I grew up poor and rich, and my friend from both periods are a mixed bag. Some people will always want for themselves and some people will always want to help others. I do think having a family that has an ongoing dialogue about being fortunate and a family that tries to foster empathy and compassion can help, but you can do that whether you are rich or poor.

[betsyj]

As far as privileged people vs non-privileged people growing up to be compassionate...I grew up poor and rich, and my friend from both periods are a mixed bag. Some people will always want for themselves and some people will always want to help others. I do think having a family that has an ongoing dialogue about being fortunate and a family that tries to foster empathy and compassion can help, but you can do that whether you are rich or poor.

Well said.

It means that if they'd chosen Waldorf, which is expensive and requires significant time commitments from the whole family, that the child likely wouldn't have met this other child who became a wonderful friend. We can privilege our children out of wonderful experiences and relationships.

This leaves me scratching my head as well. It has nothing to do with privilege and everything to do with parenting. If you can provide a first rate education for your children-do so. Don't feel guilty and don't NOT do it because other kids aren't as privileged. Maybe that Waldorf school had an even better friend. It makes no sense turning in one direction and agonizing over whether you should have gone the other way.

Teach your kids good lessons about sharing and giving back to the community. Chances are they will repay that expensive education back to society.

[LeslieB]

Very interesting thought! Have you ever thought about doing Couchsurfing? If you're not really able to take your kids out into the world as much as you'd like, you can bring the world to them. We're members, and we were able to host one couple when we lived in Monterey, Ca. (Now we live in Fort Bragg, NC, and we don't get many requests. ) People from all over the world participate.
It just came to mind as something you could do since it sounds like you live in such a tranquil place that other people might enjoy.

[mamaofthree]

i am not sure i understand your conundrum. if you are feeling detached from the world, then get on out there and interact. if you feel your kids are a bit too little, then try something small at first. you can always go thru your things, and donate. you can donate some money, a little time here and there. it is completely up to you what you do with that you have. maybe you can all as a family find something you can do together (even with dh). good luck, you will find the balance you need.

also, i too am at a loss as to the comment about the one kid going to school to make friends (school friends only) with the "poor" kid. that seems a bit elitist to me... like here is your poor friend, isn't that cool.

h