I think I want to find a new church..

[Purple*Lotus]

Backstory:
I stopped going because STBX was going there and I had a restraining order against him so obviously I did not want to see him. The judge told him to stay away from my church anyhow. He doesn't believe in God, he was just going to get to me anyway. It was very complicated.

Basically I felt very unsupported by my church. I have volunteered there for many years and have taught many of the Children's programs and Sunday school, been involved in their mission work, etc.

But truly, when it came out that my STBX was hitting me, they scattered like flies and no one supported me

Not that I deserved to be supported by them, but I did feel that since I had been there for so long, that during a very difficult time in my life *going half blind amongst the abuse* they would at least be there to emotionally support me. Didn't happen. Every time I reached out I got no support.

So I am thinking that maybe this community can not support me in the way that I would like to be. I wonder if maybe I am expecting too much from church? I have belonged to churches in other places where I have lived that the outcome would have been quite different, I think.

But I don't really know how to go about finding a new church. Has anyone BTDT? I feel ackward just showing up at another one. Any advice? Am I expecting too much from this group of people?

[A&A]

See if there is a Unitarian Universalist church near you!

[Tradd]

Well, I guess a lot of it depends on your denomination. Is there another congregation of the same tradition in your area? Or are you looking to move into another director altogether?

If you belong to a particular denomination and not an independent congregation, I'd just go to the national website for the denomination and do a search for others congregations in your area. All the national denominational websites have online parish directories.

A little more than three years ago, things began to go really sour at the parish where I'd converted to Orthodoxy, primarily priest issues and other factors that made the parish not a good fit for me. I was lucky that I'd already been attending a parish near work (old church was in city) in the suburbs for special weekday services, and when the time came to totally leave old parish, I had somewhere to go. I was very blessed to have the new parish already there. God was looking out for me. I was at the new church enough for weekday services that I'd gotten to know the core group, and already had friends there. That made things so much easier. I know other people have been in the same sort of situation, such as you are, and they have nowhere definite to go, and church hop for a while.

I hope you find something soon, and a parish that is more supportive of you than the one you're leaving has been. My new parish has been a huge blessing to me, and I've got opportunities to do lots of things that I would have never gotten to do at my old parish (some that didn't exist there), and I'm so happy I made the move!

Blessings in your search for a new congregation!

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes

Not that I deserved to be supported by them,

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but YES you do deserve to be supported by your church during hard times! It's really sad that you feel like everyone abandoned you during such a hard time.

I am trying to find a church to go to, and have been visiting a couple, and it's always hard for me to go for the first time. Once I get over the hurdle of showing up, it's fine. People ask our names and where I am from, but thats about it.

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by A&A

See if there is a Unitarian Universalist church near you!

There is one in the next town but it is quite a drive. Maybe I will try it out.

Originally Posted by Tradd

Well, I guess a lot of it depends on your denomination. Is there another congregation of the same tradition in your area? Or are you looking to move into another director altogether?

If you belong to a particular denomination and not an independent congregation, I'd just go to the national website for the denomination and do a search for others congregations in your area. All the national denominational websites have online parish directories.

A little more than three years ago, things began to go really sour at the parish where I'd converted to Orthodoxy, primarily priest issues and other factors that made the parish not a good fit for me. I was lucky that I'd already been attending a parish near work (old church was in city) in the suburbs for special weekday services, and when the time came to totally leave old parish, I had somewhere to go. I was very blessed to have the new parish already there. God was looking out for me. I was at the new church enough for weekday services that I'd gotten to know the core group, and already had friends there. That made things so much easier. I know other people have been in the same sort of situation, such as you are, and they have nowhere definite to go, and church hop for a while.

I hope you find something soon, and a parish that is more supportive of you than the one you're leaving has been. My new parish has been a huge blessing to me, and I've got opportunities to do lots of things that I would have never gotten to do at my old parish (some that didn't exist there), and I'm so happy I made the move!

Blessings in your search for a new congregation!

There are many of the same denomination here, one even closer than the one I have been going to. I might try that. It is scary to start over again though, it has been so long.

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but YES you do deserve to be supported by your church during hard times! It's really sad that you feel like everyone abandoned you during such a hard time.

I am trying to find a church to go to, and have been visiting a couple, and it's always hard for me to go for the first time. Once I get over the hurdle of showing up, it's fine. People ask our names and where I am from, but thats about it.

Yes I was surprised that when I tried reaching out I got nowhere. I felt like maybe they did not believe me, and that was difficult.

[Grace and Granola]

You DO deserve to be supported by your church family. We are supposed to be a community! That is what church is all about. I have had great experiences at non-denominational community churches. I think non-denoms draw a crowd of people who are from all different denominations (or newbies) who are at church for the right reasons. They aren't going to X type of church just because they were raised (catholic, lutheran, episcopalian, baptist etc.). It's just CHURCH.

I hope and pray you find just the right place. I would suggest praying about it! You'll know when you've found the right church for you.



PS...no offense to the denominations I listed...only trying to illustrate a point!

[anj_rn]

YES you do deserve to be supported. I changed churches for problem with lack of support. I found going to a new church frightening, but I have been surrounded by so much love and support over the years, that I can't believe what I was missing.

[kristenok18]

You definitely deserve to be supported by your church. I am horrified that you didn't find that at your current church, particularly as it sounds like you are very active there. It makes me so sad to see so many places of worship treat women this way.

I hope you are able to find a place that feels like home, and that treasures you for the treasure that you are. I would recommend my church and denomination, but we're a bit far from you, , and I know all too well that a church is only as good as it's members (and you can find good and bad ones in any denomination!).

[javilu]

What denomination is your current church? Are you looking for another church of the same denomination, or are there other factors that are comparably important - like church size, diversity, children's programs, and so forth? Many churches these days have websites and at the very least you should be able to get phone numbers to call and ask about some things. Maybe you could also find a friend to go "church shopping" with you - I know I'd go with you if I were around, I enjoy visiting new places. That way, you'll have a familiar face around. Or if you know of a church or two you're interested in, but are shy about going to services for some reason, maybe you can get involved in another way first, like going to a weekday Bible Study class or volunteering if they have a feed-the-homeless program or something along those lines.

I agree with everyone else - why shouldn't you feel supported by your church community? A church can be more than just a place to sit on Sundays, it can be a place with friends and it can even feel like a home away from home. It is okay for you to look for a place where you feel welcomed, at the very least.

[shanniesue2]

I am in the middle of... I call it community shopping... too. Although for very different reasons--my reasons stem from an acceptance of and openness to a dramatic shift in my spiritual belief, and I want to be somewhere where people are open minded enough to support my search (but that's a different thread). However, I understand the fear/nerves behind walking into a church you've never been to before where you don't know anyone. So here's what I've done: I have given myself permission to be "in transition." And it has been amazingly liberating. I have removed all personal personal expectations of where I'm "supposed" to go to church, and this has allowed me to be more open to the positives in a community while at the same time being more honest with myself about what I need and whether or not a community meets that need.

The strategy that I have decided to adopt is to visit at least twice. Case in point: I am currently trying on a UU church. The first Sunday I went, it was just such a different experience from anything that I was used to that I really couldn't make a good judgement about what it might have to offer for me. The second Sunday I really enjoyed myself. I'm going back again tomorrow, but I'm not making any commitments to any group until I'm 100% sure. Another strategy that I think is helpful is to sit in on a class or group... I feel much less intimidated in a smaller group AND it gives me a feel for what the church might offer that meets/doesn't meet my spiritual needs.

Anyway, best of luck to you... and I'm really sorry that you're current church community hasn't been more supportive of you in your situation. You DO deserve support and fwiw, I think it was wrong of your church community to leave you hanging like that.

much peace

[Magelet]

Yes, you do deserve to be supported through tough times by your church. Whether you have given to it with much time and effort, or not.

I agree on the point of church shopping, that going twice is good. They might be having some weird event (in judaism, that event is usually a bar or bat mitzvah, but sometimes a music festival, holiday or other event) which means the crowd is not like the usual crowd, and the service is different than usual. also, it does take a lot of time to figure out what a community is like, and become a part of the community, but it's worth it for a community who supports you.

[hrsmom]

s from me, too! You're definitely not asking too much. I also felt that lack of support during a VERY difficult time in my life, from my FORMER church! (It was a tough one, especially since so many people promised to support me, then didn't. I also wondered if I was asking too much, then finally left b/c I didn't want my daughter growing up in that particular church.) I agree, it's a hard time trying to find another one, and it takes time to get to know new people, etc. I think you just show up and go a few times! I would love to start "shopping" right now, but I'm not sure what to do with my 2 y.o. during services!! I've really enjoyed conversing with some of the mamas here during my time of not attending church services.