3yo - he won't eat

[JordanKX]

I'm the step-mom here, we have DSS on the weekends, just to throw that out there. Suddenly, the past 3 weekends, he won't eat anything. He says he's hungry, tonight was jumping around excited about crab cakes, sits down to dinner and looks at the plate... yells.."I want chicken" and pushes his plate away. He does this with every meal - gets excited about whatever it might be, but then refuses to eat.

From a kid who'd eat garlic cloves, turkey/spinach burgers, any vegetable....

I'm stumped. DP is stumped. The approach so far has been, sit at the table and eat, or get down and go in another room -- not to bug us cause we're eating dinner, not to turn on the tv in the living room, etc. which seems a little like punishment, although it doesn't upset him. And he doesn't eat dinner! I mean, he's only at our house two nights a week, last weekend he didn't eat either night, and he didn't eat tonight. So clearly something's not working.

ideas?

[JordanKX]

oh i guess i should add two things... we're 90% confident that he eats whatever, whenever at his moms. She's not a schedule type person and we've seen no indicators that they have "meals" together, more that he just grabs stuff out of the pantry when he wants it. And seems like he's always covered in potato chip crumbs when we pick him up. But still, he's always liked my food. Always.

Which brings me to #2, which is.... maybe it's not about the food, but control? He's had a difficult transition to DS being born. Maybe this is his acting out? Except... it's been nearly 6 months. And he's just recently started this.

[Nazsmum]

before I read your 2nd post I thought control!!

I would not let him leave the table. I would make him stay w/the family. I would not make him eat/just sit. Just me.
Just a heads-up he may start wanting something else so be on the look out.

[spring978]

I am a step Mom and I remember how picky my step daughter ws at 3 I also have a 3 year old doing this.

So one I am sure alot of this is age he doesnt have to eat but he has to sit at the table for meals. We eat as a family he is part of our family

Now when I first met my SD she refused to eat anything I DONT LIKE IT was her favorite phrase. aarrggh I wouldnt cave and buy her junk so I taught her to cook. Yep when I cook she helped she tore salad she would set the table break brocalli stir peel. She enjoyed taking a few bites of food she helped with. Now 12 years later she eats anything loves to cook.

DS3 will also be more inclined to eat if he has helped.

Also cutting things into small shapes or finger food helps providing dip
I use my coookie cutters to make fun shapes.

Just keep him involved and provide a nice relaxed meal time he will eat.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by JordanKX

oh i guess i should add two things... we're 90% confident that he eats whatever, whenever at his moms. She's not a schedule type person and we've seen no indicators that they have "meals" together, more that he just grabs stuff out of the pantry when he wants it. And seems like he's always covered in potato chip crumbs when we pick him up. But still, he's always liked my food. Always.

Which brings me to #2, which is.... maybe it's not about the food, but control? He's had a difficult transition to DS being born. Maybe this is his acting out? Except... it's been nearly 6 months. And he's just recently started this.

I can't say for sure it's about control. But I can say that this age is harder on older siblings then when the baby first arrives. The baby is now interactive, possibly mobile or sitting up. When my DD was born, my son was 3.5 he showed no sign of jealous, no acting out, nothing. just a very proud big brother. The hardest thing for him was that transition when she hit about 6 months and was sitting up in the shopping cart, or interacting with people who spoke to her at church, school etc. as a newborn, she was a lump. When people would comment on the baby, it would be a nice comment, and then almost immediately the conversation would turn to DS. They would ask him if he liked being a big brother, or thought his sister was fun...etc. He got a lot of attention just based on having a baby sister. When she got to a point that she would respond when someone tickled her toes and talked to her, she kept their attention. People stopped turning to my DS and asking him about being a big brother. It was a hard thing for him to get used to. Eventually he did, but those months between 6 and 9 months were hard on him. Much harder than when she was first born.

[K1329]

We had ds when dd was 3.5. It was a VERY tough year for dd - it seemed like she acted out in many ways in response to the arrival of her new sibling. Everything from refusing her favorite things to hitting the new baby. Personally, I wouldn't give it any power - take a "no big deal" approach. I do wonder, though, is he eating snacks 15 minutes after dinner, or, is he going to bed hungry, or what?

If its any consolation, ds is now 3 and dd is 6. They now get along fabulously and play for hours together. I think this behavior will pass. Give it time.

[JordanKX]

Originally Posted by K1329

I do wonder, though, is he eating snacks 15 minutes after dinner, or, is he going to bed hungry, or what?

He doesn't eat anything. That's why I feel so guilty about allowing him to get down from the table. If he comes back in, oh, 1/2hr asking about food, his dinner is there and he still won't eat. So he goes to bed without dinner.

So far the only successful meals are cereal for breakfast and cheese and crackers for a snack in the afternoon. We have similar - albeit not SO stubborn - issues with lunch. DP breaks down and gives him crackers later in the day because it's somewhat healthy, and you've gotta feel a little sorry for him not having any food in his tummy.

Last night was spaghetti. Same issue. All excited about it, refused it when it came to the table. So it's not that he's filled up during the day. Last night we didn't allow him to get down and he just pitched a full on tantrum during dinner. So I don't know that that's going to work either. Ugh. I do understand that in "his world", there are few things he can control and food is one of them.

I love the idea of cooking with him. I will try to incorporate that in a bit more. Thanks!

[K1329]

What a tough situation! I do believe that children can understand "different rules at different places", but, also suspect that it takes awhile to get to that point. Ds is a picky eater (quite a shock after dd who loves everything from broccoli to spicy foods...). We've struggled with this issue b/c after refusing dinner he wants a snack immediately. I read a "tip" about no snacks for 2 hrs. after a meal for picky eaters. We've incorporated something similar... out of desperation! Ds now waits one hour b/f eating a snack. Sometimes he goes back to his dinner while he's waiting, sometimes he eats a snack of fruit or peanut butter and crackers (some of the few things on his short list). But, it, sounds like your dss is not a picky eater but looking to understand limits/exhibit control. Perhaps offer a healthy snack later in the evening? Since you're only able to work on this on the weekends, I would definitely take a soft approach. I have found with dd, and, I suppose ds, too, that the less these behaviors become a "big deal" the quicker they pass.