Homeschool groups and behaviour expectations

[Callimom]

If you belong to a homeschool group and they have some sort of explicit (stated/published) expectations around children's behaviour at your homeschool events or field trips would you share it, and maybe some of the process of how you arrived at it (if you know it).
Our city wide group is discussing the need for this sort of guideline and it is turning into a painful process. I'd love to know a bit more about how other groups deal with this situation as I am sure that it must be a fairly common issue.

thanks in advance
Karen

[earthmama369]

We're involved in several different groups and they all have some sort of expectations written out and given to every member either upon joining or at regular intervals (like the start of a new session of classes and activities).

The one that focuses on toddlers and preschoolers specifies that parents shall not physically discipline their children at group events regardless of parenting beliefs and also lays out that the group is nondiscriminatory and open to members of all religions, sexual orientation, etc. I don't know any parents there that would spank their child, especially in front of other children, but we felt it was worth spelling out when we first got together and didn't know each other as well. And having that spelled out for new members just helps set the tone of the kind of group we're going for -- more of a gentle discipline, constructive, creative group. It also specifies that parents are responsible for their children's behavior and keeping their own children safe. Parents are encouraged to specify if they're ok with other parents stepping in on discipline outside of emergency situations. (Obviously, if you see a child hitting another, whoever's closest should separate them.) Some parents prefer to handle everything themselves, some of the kiddos have special needs or just do better when their own parent is talking to them, some parents and children do better with a village setting. So most of the guidelines for the younger set are really aimed at the parents and focus on handling behavior and group dynamics with the 5 and under set.

The other two, with older kids, have some version of proximity rules -- whether or not parents just need to be on the premises during activities or directly with their children (depending on the layout and set up of the event), if children can leave a class without a parent picking them up, expectations for leaving the site clean and undamaged, rosters for volunteer duty if they need hallway monitors (or teachers or cleaning crews or playground monitors, etc.), a nut-free or allergy policy, things like that. Less about parenting style and more about logistics and common courtesy.

[zeldamomma]

My group considered having formal, written behavioral expectations and decided that it was better not to have something written. Basically, we realized that the problem behaviors we were trying to address were better dealt with directly than by universal rules. It is uncomfortable to talk to someone about how their or their kids' behavior needs to change, but having a written policy wouldn't eliminate the need for the conversation.

Just another perspective, take it for what it's worth.

[teastaigh]

There are several homeschooling groups where I live. One secular group has stated behavior guidelines for field trips. Another secular group has no rules, is chaotic, has delightful children as well as children who seem to be un-parented, unhappy, and stressed. The large Christian group has no behavior rules. The children behave nicely at field trips, and thankfully, I've never seen any physical discipline. We're now in the Christian group as we see ourselves homeschooling until college, and the secular kids rarely continue to homeschool past elementary school.

Personally, I think guidelines are a good idea. I say this as a person who organizes lots of big field trips each year. I'd have some guidelines for the moms too ... like that they stay with and sit with their children, for example, and that if they cancel, they not send a friend in their place as there is usually a waiting list -- not fair or kind to the folks on the list. I'd also find a way to support anyone organizing a field trip which involves collecting fees -- what a pain!

peace,
teastaigh

[4evermom]

I occasionally see people post events and explicitly state that parents need to remain with their child and I once organized something and ended up stuck helping ALL the kids while their parents sat off somewhere chatting. I found that annoying as did my ds who couldn't get my help when he needed it. So I can see mentioning that parents are expected to be attendant to their children and facilitate as needed.

[Dar]

Our homeschool group when Rain was little did okay with no rules until a local Waldorf school closed and we had an influx of new kids from there (and, to be fair, a few from the local schools). So, we spent a morning meeting with the kids in small groups and then in a larger group and came up with three rules. The first was not to hurt people with your body, other objects, or your words... the second was "you can't say, 'You can't play'", since exclusive play was a big issue with the new kids (and we did make it clear that if someone wasn't playing appropriately parents would try to help). I honestly can't remember the third one. It was a generally really nice group that talked things out (there was a parents planning meeting every 3 months or so, which really helped keep everyone on the same page and involved... not mandatory but many people came, and group members were generally happy to help each other out with childcare so people could attend).

The group we were peripherally involved in when Rain was 12-14 required that every teen had a parent there supervising... one of the Berkeley groups did the same... and that was a reason that we didn't really do much with them.

[zeldamomma]

Our groups certainly allow event organizers to set whatever behavior guidelines they like for their event, and sometimes suggest guidelines, but I think that's substantially different from having written, universal rules that apply to every event. Since different events are likely to require different behavior restrictions, and different organizers may want different rules, any universal rule set is likely to end up being more restrictive than anyone really wants, and include all kinds of rules that most people don't need, but are there because once somebody did something they shouldn't have.

[Shellie]

Our group doesn't have set rules--I think it's just expected and understood that if a child we behaving inappropriately that their parent would step in and so far, the few times a kid has been acting in a not-so-desirable way, mom has intervened and apologized. We're a small, newer group though--I've often thought that as things evolve we might have to have a guideline but so far so good.

[Callimom]

Thanks everyone for sharing your perspective and experiences.

I think part of our challenge is that we are running into very different philosophies and finding it challenging to balance the need to have the activitiy work for the group and our hosts, versus honouring that not all families believe the same level of supervision is appropriate and that not all families believe compliance and respecting adult "authority" is a good thing.

It's getting a bit sticky.

I think we'd all love to be able to say that it is common sense to follow societal expectations for behavior when out in public, and to choose activities where your kids can succeed and are able to behave in ways that honour the needs of their community. But there are varying perceptions around this.

I don't know that a rule or code of conduct will work either, for many of the reasons that are listed here - it can be such a subjective thing. I do think though that we need to come to some kind of common understanding of what is appropriate when we are participating in group events so that the community can fuction as a community.

blech - all this crazy stuff is supposed to be over in February.

I'd love to hear more if you have anything to add.
Karen

[annettemarie]

Well, I'll just link you.

This is the policy for the group we used to belong to. We left because some of the members were pushing the Pearls and wouldn't agree to disagree.

And these are the policies for the group we belong to now.

I wasn't involed in coming up with the policies for either group, but thought it might be helpful to you if I linked so you could see what two groups have done.

Good luck!

[Savoir Faire]

COPIED AND PASTED FROM MY GROUP'S FORMS:

This is not a comprehensive list of offenses. The Steering Committee reserves the right to set consequences for any offenses that do not appear below or to adjust the consequences based upon the particulars of a given situation.
Disrespect towards authorities or others/Out of control behavior
Child will be removed from activity and placed with his/her parent for a time-out or for the rest of the activity
Repeated disrespectful or out of control behavior either during an activity or as a pattern over time/Minor altercations with others/Destructive behavior toward property
Child will be removed from a particular activity or all activities for 1-4 weeks
Repeated altercations with others/Guns/weapons/Threats/Vandalism/Breaking Criminal laws
Child will be removed from group, including all activities that bear the (GROUP) name in any manner or association, for a minimum of one semester. At the end of the suspension the child must petition to reenter the group and show proof of repentance

[FireWithin]

The current group I'm offers many classes inpeople's homes. For example a Lego class foe 6 weeks or a physics class once a month for 8 months.
The common requirement I
Hearing from the hosts is that all the kids need to want to be there. It is far better to drop a class than force a bored child into attending (which ofte. Causes behavior issues).