How to handle tantrums?

[bcblondie]

DS is almost 15months and he's starting to throw his head back, arch his back, scream, and kick his feet. He does this if I try to put him to bed when he's not tired/overtired, or wants me to carry him when I'm busy and need to put him down for a sec... etc.

I usually just try to talk calmly to him, like "Sorry baby, I have to make a sandwhich" and just leave him there. Maybe give him a toy to distract him.

It doesn't last long. A minute maybe. But I fear a worse tantrum might be in our future.

Any advice?

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm going to watch this thread for the responses!

My son is not quite 14mo, and he's doing this too. Usually I sit with him, tell him that I understand that he is angry/frustrated/sad/etc, and tell him that its ok to be feeling that way - but that throwing a tantrum isn't going to make it better. Then I ask him if he wants to do something else - read a book, play with a toy, go for a walk, anything to distract him. It seems to work ok for us, but I'm always open to new ideas.

[bcblondie]

Yea that's pretty much my approach. I feel bad because I feel like he must have learned this behavior from seomwhere. And it's mostly me home with him. And sometimes I have a short fuse. (who doesn't loose it occasionally when they feel like a single parent half the time? My dh works shift work so litterally the only time he was here to help, DS was sleepign...)

[Super~Single~Mama]

I don't know that they "learn" the behavior from somewhere. I know I threw the biggest most massive tantrums ever when I was this age - and I don't think I learned it from my parents.

I think it more likely comes from a child that age not being able to communicate verbally, and its frustrating to them on top of whatever other emotion they are having at the moment not to be able to communicate about it.

I am a single mom, and its so hard I can totally empathize!

[pianojazzgirl]

I absolutely agree with thyra - I don't think his temper tantrums were learned from you (no guilt mama! ). It is the rare (non-existent???) child who leaves the toddler stage without ever having had a tantrum. Some tantrum more than others but I think that's just due to personality differences.

I think thyra is right that most tantrums happen because the toddler is frustrated/angry/sad/whatever and hasn't learned or isn't capable of other ways of expressing these emotions. You can try working on other outlets for anger and frustration like... I dunno... hitting a pillow, roaring, etc (someone else who's feeling more creative help me out here!). I think acknowledging and verbalizing the (perceived) reason for the tantrum is very important. I often try to very simply and emphatically verbalize what I suspect my son is upset about. Like: "Alden is mad! Alden wants a cookie! Alden is mad because he wants a cookie!". Or something along those lines. I believe this approach is recommended in some book (that I haven't read), but I was suggested it by a friend. When my son is in the throes of upset it does seem to get through to him more easily when I speak in this simplistic, repetitive, emphatic way. Beyond that all I can do is comfort him as best I can and help him work through his big feelings. It is reality that sometimes we all get upset and it is a valuable tool to help your little one learn appropriate ways to express that and to help him learn that he will get through the bad feelings, and mama is there for him.

ETA I also think thyra's idea of distracting and redirecting is great. It's a valuable tool that works better at this age than when they're a bit older - so make use of it now!

[Breeder]

Oh dear. I have a 21 month old who has just figured out that he can make a REALLY big stink when he doesn't get his way. Sometimes a song helps. Sometimes going outside helps. Sometimes nursing helps. Sometimes asking him to find something helps. Sometimes nothing helps. For really bad ones I just lay him in the middle of my bed where he can't hurt himself and ride it out. Or if we're out I take him back to the car.

Its trial by fire, and no two toddlers are the same.

[bcblondie]

Thanks everyone.

What do you guys do when it's in public?! Hasn't happened yet but I want to be prepared!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Lincoln had one tantrum in public so far. At daycare while I was picking him up. I just picked him up (I knew he was wayyy over stimulated from all the parents/kids/people getting ready to go, plus he was tired from a long day), and held him really tight for a few minutes until he calmed down. WHile I was holding him I was talking to him, telling him that it was ok, talking to him about how we were going to get in the stroller and walk home, that he would get to see all the trucks on the way home (he LOVES trucks ). I pretty much talked to him calmly and softly until he calmed down. Then we were able to quickly get our things and leave, calmly without problems.

Don't worry too much. The most important thing about public tantrums is to not let yourself worry about what other people are thinking. If you ignore the world and deal with the tantrum you will be fine! If you pay attention to what everyone else is thinking about your kid, it will be much harder!

[pianojazzgirl]

In public I'd just do whatever I'd do in private. Hugging, comforting, validating, empathizing, distracting. Often a removal from the scene helps. When ds was that age I'd throw him up on my back and get walking and he'd usually calm down pretty quickly (though throwing a tantruming toddler up on your back is a bit of an art form let me tell you!).

I think it depends on what is causing the tantrum too. Like if my toddler is getting restless, and then tantrummy because I'm expecting too much of him (for ex. waiting forever in line at the grocery store with tons of chocolate bars right next to him that I'm not allowing him to have), then I don't have a problem giving him a little something nice (I'm thinking a treat like a fruit leather or whatever) to distract him. I guess you want to do some thinking about "rewarding the behaviour" or whatever, but my take on it is in a situation like that when I'm expecting "big kid" behaviour out of my toddler it's my responsibility to help him succeed, and it's not really a fair expectation to begin with. So I should have tricks of distraction ready to prevent a tantrum, and if I forget (ex. get caught up with my shopping and forget to give the fruit leather before the check out line) then that's my fault, not his. Just my take on it anyway....

And about public tantrums don't forget that anyone there who has parented a toddler has had their share of tantrums. No one is judging. Or, well, if they are, then they shouldn't be. If you feel really uncomfortable (which I know I have when one of my kids was really freaking out), then I would remove myself to a more private place (outside, bathroom, car, etc). Often tantrums stem from being overtired, overstimulated or hungry, so it can be appropriate to cut your outing short to go home and rectify the situation.

Good luck mama, enjoy the wild ride that is toddler-hood!