curbing alarming language (ie "killing") in 3.5 yo

[zebaby]

The other day, ds was playing 'mummy' with a friend. After a few minutes, I hear him say something to the effect of the mummy will 'kill' the bird or whatever toy they were playing with. It completely took me off guard. We're not the type of people to use that word in our normal conversations so to hear him say something like that was alarming to me. I don't even know why he would think mummies could 'kill' anything - his only experience wtih mummies outside of the museum is from Scooby Doo where he knows that the monsters are people dressed up in costumes. Sadly, dh did show him a Looney Tunes that had Elmer Fudd and undoubtably made mention to "killing the rabbit". I did have to explain that Elmer Fudd was a hunter and that hunters 'catch' rabbits and other animals. I tried not to get into too many details, because I have found that he actually gets upset if the truth is too sad or scary (i.e. there was a book I remember reading where an old lady wanted to kill the cow because she wanted to eat meat. It was not the main plot of the story, more of a side note, but he tried to deny what the old lady wanted to do with the cow, I'm guessing because he didn't want to hear about something so horrific - I'd have to agree.) Anyway, I'm guessing that's where he got the idea to use that term in his play.

How do I discourage him from using that word in his play? I know that he doesn't really understand what killing really means though I'm not exactly sure what he thinks it means. Do I make a huge deal out of it? Should I be more explicit? Should I ignore it completely? If I'm supposed to ignore it, I can do that at home, but how do I deal with it if he's playing with friends and uses the word? I don't want others to think that he's some demonic 3.5 yo! Any help would be appreciated

[number572]

My no-violence sister & her dh were totally flipped out when my sweet boy nephews wanted top run over a deer to "see it dead". (ages 2 & almost 4) They loved to talk about guts spilling on the street, blood, squashing the deer, etc. They weren't exposed to killing much, but I guess whatever they overheard and could expand on to make more intense for themselves, they took the opportunity. That was a few years ago & they're still super sweetie boys!

[bjorker]

Did you only hear him say it that one time?
My gut says not to make a big deal out of it, or it could turn into something it never was in the first place. That'll make it way more interesting and put it into his head way more than something he probably casually repeated without thinking much of it. If it really becomes a problem, then maybe casually try to converse with him a little bit about what he thinks it means, where he might have heard it from, etc, and then talk about that.

My 5 y/o dd sadly knows about 'killing' from watching her daddy play video games (not particularly violent ones either. Lego Star Wars was enough to do it). It's hard to hear, but I do know that it's not just going to go away. She's going to continue to see and hear about it unless I turn into crazymommy and put her in a bubble. I'd rather be able to talk about the things she hears and sees, if I'm concerned about the effect it might have on her, than try to keep it away from her. That's just not very realistic.

[staceychev]

I was really freaked out the first time this happened with DD (around the same age). For her, it was "OK, let's pretend we're dead." Just yesterday, she was playing with DH and her dollhouse and wanted to "pretend that grandma is dead." We explained to her that grownups don't like to pretend that people are dead.

Watching DD, her friends, my nieces and nephews, etc., I've come to believe that it's a natural developmental stage. I also believe that children learn about the world and "try on" different ideas through play. As much as we might like to believe otherwise (and seriously, I'm a total non-violence proponent here), death and killing are part of life. I think that playing with those ideas are ways that children make sense of them. I don't believe that they're gateways to being sociopaths.

For what it's worth, however, I'm a believer in being open about death. We've lost two people in my family in the last year, and I didn't try to shelter DD from it. (They were not people who DD was very close to.)

Also, and this may be the English teacher in me, but I wouldn't consider words like "killing" alarming language. That's the world for what it is. It's not a euphemism, it's not a curse word or slang word, and it's not a graphic description of the mode of killing. If he's exploring a concept through play, I'd much rather see him use the word "killing" than some other word that dampens or sensationalizes the act.

[amma_mama]

Originally Posted by staceychev

I was really freaked out the first time this happened with DD (around the same age). For her, it was "OK, let's pretend we're dead." Just yesterday, she was playing with DH and her dollhouse and wanted to "pretend that grandma is dead." We explained to her that grownups don't like to pretend that people are dead.

Watching DD, her friends, my nieces and nephews, etc., I've come to believe that it's a natural developmental stage. I also believe that children learn about the world and "try on" different ideas through play. As much as we might like to believe otherwise (and seriously, I'm a total non-violence proponent here), death and killing are part of life. I think that playing with those ideas are ways that children make sense of them. I don't believe that they're gateways to being sociopaths.

For what it's worth, however, I'm a believer in being open about death. We've lost two people in my family in the last year, and I didn't try to shelter DD from it. (They were not people who DD was very close to.)

Also, and this may be the English teacher in me, but I wouldn't consider words like "killing" alarming language. That's the world for what it is. It's not a euphemism, it's not a curse word or slang word, and it's not a graphic description of the mode of killing. If he's exploring a concept through play, I'd much rather see him use the word "killing" than some other word that dampens or sensationalizes the act.

You know, I never really looked at DD's use of such play or language from this perspective, but it makes a whole lot of sense to me!

[ASusan]

http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

Watch this - at least the kindergarten segment about Seth.

[Swandira]

Probably if you just gently remind him that talking about killing isn't polite and makes many people uncomfortable, and whatever you do, don't give him an exciting emotional reaction when he says it. It's pretty normal for preschoolers to explore death themes in play, but they can be taught to tone it down for the sake of politeness.

Nealy
mama to T (7), L (4), and O (14 months)

[zebaby]

Originally Posted by ASusan

http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

Watch this - at least the kindergarten segment about Seth.

I only got a commercial for the show so I didn't get to see a segment about Seth. Could you elaborate on what they talked about? The kids on the preview looked so scary though! It's my greatest fear that my sweet / silly boy turns into an aggressive anger riddled child. I know there are a plethora of other factors in those instances, but as a mama, I just can't help but worry!

[zebaby]

He said it over and over the one time, but he did say it once or twice again at home. He hasn't said it much since then. Today, he talked about squashing the 'red bull' (a bad guy in one story) and turning him into a hamburger. I totally prefer him playing that way than announcing that he'll be killing the red bull!

I liked the idea about telling him that it wasn't polite to say that and that adults don't like to pretend that people / animals are 'dead'. He does know that my mom died. He has asked me why I wasn't sad if my mom was dead and I told him that I am sad that she's no longer with me but that I feel happy because I have DS in my life. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to tell him, next time he mentions 'killing' or 'death' in an inappropriate way, that it makes me sad or that it reminds me of my mom being dead? As I write this, I am realizing that maybe I do have some lingering sadness about the death of my mom (it happened 7 years ago but still feels recent). Anyway, long story short, I just don't want him taking killing and death lightly.

[hipumpkins]

I really don't think you should interfere with his play at all. Killing happens. we kill bugs, we kill germs, and animals get killed for food.
You may be uncomfortable hearing it but it is not his job, in his play, that was not even involving you, to make you comfortable.
If you don't want to play the killing game that's fine but if he was playing with someone else he should be able to be free to play.
Now if someone is actually being hurt or he is threatening his friend and not an imaginary character that his friend is being than by all means interfere otherwise let him be free to play and work things out.
I do not think censoring play is a good idea.

[Oubliette8]

I also think you should not interfere with his play on the subject. Children work through issues and ideas about the world through play. And death and dying is a very big concept to deal with. Playing about "killing" ultimately helps him work through feelings and ideas about death and helps him understand the subject better. I think it would be more damaging to tell him not to talk about death or killing. If he asks you you can tell him your thoughts on the subject- that it makes you sad, that you don't like to pretend to kill people and why etc. But I think for the most part he should be allowed to explore the issue in his play without him feeling its an "alarming" topic.

I must say, I'm a bit confused- its ok to turn the Red Bull into hamburger, which naturally involves killing the Red Bull, or at least inflicting severe harm, but its not ok to just say he's killing the Red Bull?

[meemee]

aaaah i am the third person coming over to say leave him alone.

he is just trying to process his environment.

going too much into him means you are passing on your own 'issues' over to him. this is the age for killing and death. doesnt mean he will turn into a sociopath down the line.

imagine being him. imagine as he tries to grasp all facts around him. do you think he really gets death? or killing even? killing at this point could be another word that he is trying to find out does what. i recall as a kid we had sooo much fun playing the killing and dying game. we all fought to die to make it as dramatic as possible while the other party tried to think of ingenious ideas to kill.

i would ignore it completely. dont worry. this is the beginning. slowly start getting prepared. within the next year or two you will have touched on different aspects of death.

this is esp. important to me because i feel we are so antiseptic of death here. i have been lucky that dd has been intimately involved with death and dying and dead bodies since seh was 3 years old.

[AllisonR]

IMO, this is totally normal, and healthy. Kids are learning about their world. They discover things are growing in spring. And we don't dicourage this talk.

Things that grow also grow old and die. Sometimes we pluck a flower and it dies more quickly. Sometimes our kids see dead insects. Sometimes birds eat worms.... Death, dead, dying... these descriptions are just as normal as living, grow, growing.... Yet some people discourage this talk. I'm not sure why.

OP, I don't think a 3.5 year old using the word killing or dead or dying means that he is taking death lightly. He is only trying on different hats and learning and exploring the world. Let him.

[mamazee]

Jumping on the "leave his play alone" bandwagon. This is normal play and won't make him aggressive.

[columbusmomma]

More of the same with me! Totally normal.

[tanyalynn]

My kids use play to explore a lot of new ideas and things that aren't allowed in their life. For a while, my daughter would only make gluten foods while playing (we're gluten and dairy free).

I try not to interfere in play unless someone is being mean to a real person. Killing the stuffed bear? Go for it, hack it up if you like. I sorta figure, if you _do_ have any anger, I'd rather it be taken out on the bear than on your sister. And it really does seem exploratory, trying to get a better handle on new concepts.

[zebaby]

Originally Posted by TanyaLopez

I try not to interfere in play unless someone is being mean to a real person. Killing the stuffed bear? Go for it, hack it up if you like. I sorta figure, if you _do_ have any anger, I'd rather it be taken out on the bear than on your sister. And it really does seem exploratory, trying to get a better handle on new concepts.

Thanks ladies. I think deep down, you have helped me see what I really feel. I do understand that play is a child's way of understanding the world. I do feel that if he has some aggression / anxiety that he should find other ways to release it rather than hurting other people. I don't want to censor his play.

After hearing everyone's comments, I realize that a lot of my concern is more about what the other mom's might think about DS. When he was playing "killing the bird" it was with his friend whose mom, I feel (or imagine) is being judgmental. It sucks that it gets to me so much that I'm turning it around on DS and making myself worry. I love my son and know what a beautiful, funny, intelligent, chatty, silly boy he is. I need to chill and trust to follow his lead when it comes to learning about the world around him.

[momofmine]

Originally Posted by ASusan

http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

Watch this - at least the kindergarten segment about Seth.

If you couldn't watch the documentary there, definitely read the book, of the same name, Raising Cain. I read it and also watched the documentary and it really helped me to understand my boys much better.