Feeling like financial misfits among peers/friends/etc..

[dexlor]

This is more or less just purging, so bare with me. I work p/t, DH works f/t plus has a 2nd job that is variable (massage therapist so depends on if he gets bookings or not). I feel like we've always struggled financially. He makes about $18 and hour. I make about $15 (that's with a Master's degree). We have one child, almost 2. Both of my parents are gone and DH's mother is gone...so we don't have that support if we need it. We own a home, which wouldn't have been made possible unless my dad left us money to get one. He always wanted us to have one. Even then, only had enough for a small down payment. We're not financial geniuses. In fact we are both the polar opposite. We are both professionals in our field and are pretty smart (er, I hope) but do not get it when it comes to money. But we don't spend foolishly. We probably have between 100-300 left over each month after bills. That's not a lot and some people might gasp in shock. Others might think we're incredibly lucky. I lean towards gasping in shock myself. It seems like a lot of our friends are doing so much better. They can get a new roof, update their kitchens, go on vacations, buy new bras (I just bought a pair of bras for $7...1st bra I bought since walmart nursing bras), go out to lunch, refinance their mortgage, save, not worry if they'll have enough to buy fuel oil for heat during the coldest month of the year, pay their mortgage on time w/o incurring a fee, buy socks to replace hole-y thin ones. I could go on but you get it. We also were idiots buying this house. I mean, we could at least have had someone who knew about houses come with us and help us figure out what to negotiate for. It's a pre-civil war home that needs tons of stuff done. We love it but it needs work and how on earth does one afford to get things done without creating more debt? We borrow from Peter to pay Paul or whatever that saying is...so we're just making things worse. We make too much money to qualify for a lot of programs that could help us. Our debt is not crazy. Credit card debt is about $7000. I have a student loan that won't be paid off till I'm gone. Some might say, sell the home, find something cheaper. We pay 1073 (with escrow) a month. Nowadays, apartments or another home would be much more. And how would we afford to fix what needs fixing to get it ready to sell? I don't know how our friends do it. How did they keep their credit clean? How do they stay on top of things? Okay, I didn't work for 14 months when I had my lovely DD. DH lost 1/2 of his hours for 4 months due to low student enrollment (works at a massage school as teacher/director of student services). We'd like to at least save monthly in anticipation of winter fuel costs. We probably pay about 1500 per winter. We'd like to save for her college, for fixing up the house. Right now, even with vision insurance we can't afford to get new glasses. DH's got busted by our DD so he has electric tape holding his together.

Are we total misfits? Or is ours not such a crazy story. We have clothes, shelter, plenty of food (that is pretty vital!), but we are always surprised when we figured wrong and get hit by our bank with $29 insufficient funds fees. If we cancel our cells, what do we do in an emergency? How do parents get by w/o cell phones once you're used to them? Do we get rid of the internet? We need it for so many things, including work. There's just not much wiggle room.

That's all I have for today. Today we're going to a science/tech museum which DD loves because it is free first sundays of the month. We are true masters in finding free stuff to do

[yeahwhat]

I often feel like we're in a similar position, right down to the masters in finding free stuff to do. This week it was spring break, and we went to the museum on free day and the movies on a free morning viewing.

What does help is keeping to a very strict budget and keeping track of where every dollar goes. Keeping really close track of every dollar and upcoming expenses means we've never been hit with $29 NSF fees or late fees on our mortgage.

It does mean that sometimes we have to wait to get new glasses or even new socks and underwear. Some weeks we have more basic meals than others, but we always have plenty of healthy food to eat. We have one pay as you go cell phone, which is mostly dh's. He carries over a lot of minutes month to month. We have internet because between online banking and the bits of translation work that dh does, it more than pays for itself. Our phone, cable, and internet are all bundled together to reduce the cost. It would probably be better to dump cable, but dh and the kids out vote me there.

We've been digging our way out of debt following house renovations that went way over budget 5 years ago, and I think I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. And the chance to start saving for cosmetic things like redoing our horrid kitchen on a budget. Maybe.

[Eman'smom]

I know this wasn't your point but can your Dh open a private practice as a side biz? Only 18 dollars an hour for massage is unheard of. Depending on your area he could easily charge 40-60+ an hour.

We too have a fixer, it gets depressing at times, the round of home improvements that were done before we bought it were cheap and shotty at best. I try to look at the positive, for where we live our mortgage is super affordable, we have a yard ect........

[spedteacher30]

I think it is important to remember that you never know how your friends are financing their lives--credit card debt, money from a family member, living off the equity of their home, inheritance, etc.

We certainly feel like financial misfits at times--but, I've realized that more of my colleagues than care to admit are feeling the pinch financially, and more of my friends than care to admit are putting things on their credit cards. (I suspect the colleagues are as well, but they won't tell me ).

[annethcz]

I see a few red flags in your post. Do you have a budget? Do you know where you're spending your money? Figuring this out is the first step towards getting ahead or being finacially comfortable. Being hit with NSF and late fees makes me think that perhaps you aren't keeping track of the bills and spending.

Start tracking your spending. Once you do this, it may be easier to find areas to cut back on so that you can get the debt paid off sooner than later.

[Ellien C]

I gotta tell you that I bet your friends are DROWNING in debt. I couldn't figure out how some of our neighbors were affording their houses, cars and kitchen remodels. I blamed it on us being old and getting a 20-year mortgage and some of them being "young" and having 30-year mortgages. Our current dishwasher is one our neighbors were throwing out due to a kitchen remodel. Well, I couldn't have been further from the truth. It turns out they had an interest-only loan and ended up having to sell at a slight loss. It was just a real eye opener for me that they others were opening HELOCs, etc.

It sounds like you are going well!

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

I gotta tell you that I bet your friends are DROWNING in debt. I couldn't figure out how some of our neighbors were affording their houses, cars and kitchen remodels. I blamed it on us being old and getting a 20-year mortgage and some of them being "young" and having 30-year mortgages. Our current dishwasher is one our neighbors were throwing out due to a kitchen remodel. Well, I couldn't have been further from the truth. It turns out they had an interest-only loan and ended up having to sell at a slight loss. It was just a real eye opener for me that they others were opening HELOCs, etc.

It sounds like you are going well!

This. I would go to playdates and wonder why we had the smallest/cheapest home. I mean, I'm a SAHM but my DH makes a decent living, so why don't we have new(er) cars, bigger house, etc? Well, now w/ ARM resetting and layoffs I'm hearing why--people were living optimistically and now they're in trouble. So I think your story isn't unusual, but either is people spending more than they earn for as long as they can get away with it.

[lilyka]

First of all why you feel so far behind your friends and stuff...

first of all they may be taking out some serious loans and debt to finance their lifestyle. Also they may be making way more than you. honestly, $15 an hour is not that much. at all. I am a barrista at a grocery store coffee shop and I almost make that much. and I live in a really low pay area.

Stop comparing yourself to the people around you though (I know it is hard.) If you must compare, compare yourself to people who make roughly the same amount you do.

So what can you change to give yourself some breathing room?
there are several things in your post that jumped out at me. First, NSF fees. That has got to stop. you absolutely must get in control of your spending. this is an indication that you have no idea how much you actually do spend. You need to get hooked up with online banksing. check your balance daily, pay your bills online, and watch all your accounts. Perhaps now would be a good time to go to a cash system for daily expenses like fun money, gas, groceries etc. also set up overdraft protection. I have never seen a system that was worse than NSF fees. Its still debt though so do not get into the mind set of "oh well, my overdraft account will cover it."

$7000 is A LOT of credit card debt. not an impossible amount but you have to start looking at it for what it is. a huge beast of burden, almost $10000 in debt that is going to cost you a fortune in finance charges if you do not get it paid off.

your house payment is high but not terrible for what you are making. it is going to make things tight though. when I do not have renters my house payment is $1000 or one third of my income. things are super tight those months. we spend them holding our breath and praying. however selling right now would acytually send me into deep debt (I would need to bring $10,000 for closing costs...after living here for 8 years and doing all kinds of improvements.) I am not going anywhere. I am going down with this ship.

I think what would help you most is make a budget and stick to is mercilessly. know where your money is at all times. pay off your debt and start saving. I would use all the money from your husbands second job to pay down debt and build savings. since it is unreliable you should not be relying on it. by building savings you will will be abloe to pay for all those things like broken glasses and repairs to your home without incurring debt.

[Thystle]

Everyone beat me to it.


I was going to chime in to see if you have an America's Best Eyeglasses in your area... $69 for the exam and two pairs of glasses.

Or if you have the slip with his prescription and measurements you can order online very cheaply at Zenni Optical for under $10.




You need a list of your baseline income (the very minimum you make each month, no "extra" hours or jobs) and all your bills. You have to see on paper what you have and what you are actually spending before you can get a game plan.

[major_mama11]

Right there with you, OP. I thought that when I graduated college, when DD was 2, we would have it all together financially. We did manage to pay off some debts while I was working FT, but then I went down to PT, and then it seemed like the moment we started to get the least bit ahead, medical expenses or something would come along and take the money. We've been putting off much-needed repairs on our house for years, and we're still paying on our original fixer-upper first house that no one wanted to buy in this housing market. But, we DO have enough to pay the bills, lots of hand me down clothes for the kids, able to afford food and electricity, etc...

I just keep reminding myself that , while we might not be getting ahead at the moment, we have ENOUGH to meet our basic needs, and for this we are blessed-- even if it's just barely enough, it's enough.

I agree about tracking spending, making a budget, and using any extra to pay down debt... it has been scary for me to do these things, but so helpful for seeing areas that I can change and seeing exactly where we're at.

[Om Girl]

I totally am in the same boat OP!

Sometimes it seems like you've done everything "right" but still aren't getting where everyone else is "going". It comes down to priorities...obviously your priorities are different than your friends/neighbors/acquaintences, etc. You work PT and are able to spend significant amounts of time with your DC. Others in your life may wish they could do that, but are strapped by their financial obligations like high mortgages, cc bills, debt, etc.

While things sometimes look enviable from the outside...as a society we don't live in glass castles with all of our dirty laundry exposed, IYKWIM?

[lmonter]

Originally Posted by dexlor

I don't know how our friends do it. How did they keep their credit clean? How do they stay on top of things?

If we cancel our cells, what do we do in an emergency? How do parents get by w/o cell phones once you're used to them?

First, have you gently asked your friends? Like you're looking for tips or something, and since they seem to be on the right track.... I have several friends that are in a similar financial mindset as me/hubby, and we swap stories and tips and whatnot all the time. I swear, couponing has come up at every mom's night out in the last two years. Am I still envious of my friend who's like ten years ahead of me in the saving game and has the cash saved up specifically for new, prettier flooring and new kitchen countertops this year? Heck yeah. Do I hold it against her? Not so much.

I know for me and hubby specifically? Our answer is that it took time (about 2 years or so if you want to be specific - but we only had some credit card debt and a car payment - still have a mortgage and student loans), a plan, and discipline for us to get to a more stable financial place. So when hubby got laid off in June, everybody else (family, friends) were freaking out more than we were. We had savings, a full pantry, a planted garden, and a plan (and a bare bones budget that was only like $100 more a month than unemployment, go us!).

As for the cell phone issue, I'm not a good one to ask as I've never *really* gotten used to having one. I forget to charge it at least once a month or leave it in the van for an entire week. It's just a pre-pay cell phone so it's nice and super cheap, and I rarely use it. Except when we're on the move for something, or I'm about to leave from a late-night mom's night to let hubby know I'm on my way home.

[calpurnia]

My DP used to work in the City before going back to school to retrain as a doctor. I don't do any paid work. Our annual income is around £12,000 in benefits & student grants (we are incredibly lucky). DP's friends, who all went into the City & stayed there, earn between £50,000 - £200,000. We are total financial misfits.

[Ruthiegirl]

Take a huge step away from making any assumptions about your friend's financial lives. I know people who make 200,000 a year and are losing their home, others who survive on less than $15,000 and year and are taking a trip to the islands.

Good friends just bought a new car and was I thrilled they could afford it since their income is irregular. Nope, her mom bought it for them.

Seriously, you never know what is happening in other people's lives. We have steady income, but help support my mom, so I live more frugally than many of my friends who have much smaller incomes.


I just mean to point out that homes and cars and lunches and whatnot -- they mean nothing. The are not real indicators of wealth or financial stability.

So, look to your own balance sheet. That is the one that really matters to you.

[amyamanda]

Originally Posted by Ruthiegirl

I just mean to point out that homes and cars and lunches and whatnot -- they mean nothing. The are not real indicators of wealth or financial stability.

So, look to your own balance sheet. That is the one that really matters to you.

This is very wise.

[dexlor]

Wow, thanks everyone for being so supportive and honest with me! I feel like we have the NSF fees because we believe we can afford to get that $5 lunch or donate $2 to United Way. It all adds up. A $5 lunch ends up costing an additional $29 in fees because we live like this. It is insane. Tonight, DH and I will look at these posts and make plans. Another bad habit is groceries. We'll get almost everything on our list but forget something and run to the store and buy what we needed plus at least one more thing we didn't need. Ugh. And yes, need to stop comparing. I look at our friends who make about $250,000 a year and are doing very well...but they um, make much more money and are way better at doing their finances...so of course the grass is greener. In fact, I would now say most of our friends are in a similar boat. Just some may actually look at their budget more often than we do. Yup, worth it to sit down every day and tally. Not once every 2 weeks like we do now.

And it is crazy that I have a masters and have been in my field for 8 years and am making $15 an hour. My fault for choosing to work in mental health

[yeahwhat]

Originally Posted by dexlor

I feel like we have the NSF fees because we believe we can afford to get that $5 lunch or donate $2 to United Way. It all adds up. A $5 lunch ends up costing an additional $29 in fees because we live like this.

I know that it really sucks, but we (and probably you guys too) sometimes just can't afford to pick up lunch when there are leftovers or sandwiches at home. Sometimes it frustrates me too. Dh and I both get some personal spending money each month that we can use for things like the $2 donation or $5 lunch, but when it's gone, that's it. We take it out and carry it in cash, so we can't overspend.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by yeahwhat

I know that it really sucks, but we (and probably you guys too) sometimes just can't afford to pick up lunch when there are leftovers or sandwiches at home. Sometimes it frustrates me too. Dh and I both get some personal spending money each month that we can use for things like the $2 donation or $5 lunch, but when it's gone, that's it. We take it out and carry it in cash, so we can't overspend.

This is absolutely where "budgeting" comes in. In my case, I take out a certain amount of cash each week for spending money. It needs to cover b-day presents, any organizing things I want to buy (new glass containers for example), lunches etc. Basically non-essentials. So when my cash is gone, I know I'm done eating out until next payday. I don't have a "budget" for lunches and birthday presents for example, but I do have a set amount for spending money. It works for me. I'm not as formal a budeter as a lot of people here.

[prone_to_wander]

Every week My DH and I get a set amount of money for our weekly spending. This includes everything except groceries, rent, and utilities. My cell phone bill, lunches, transportation costs, clothes...all come out of my weekly budget. I can't go pull out anymore money. The amount I have in my wallet is all I get.

I think you also need to look at you banking situation and perhaps you need to start using cash instead of debit or visa. Cash is tangible...I look and see...hmm I only have $20 and it needs to last me 4 more days...do I really need xyz? All those NSF charges really add up and it is difficult to see until you get the statement.

All the rest of our money gets placed in other bank accounts with specific purposes or investments.
Good Luck

[RunningMomTegan]

OP, I know you didn't really start the thread for advice, but for sympathy. Hugs to you and the process of figuring out where it all goes.

I was in that boat about a year ago, and we were dual income earning $120,000 a year. I couldn't figure out how, sometimes, I would have to dip into savings to pay the credit card bill every month when it seemed like we were just living normally?

Since then, we're buckled down and really OWN our spending now. We did it to figure out how to cut back enough for me to stay home, and we didn't have any school debt, but it was AMAZING and EYE OPENING to see where our money was going. (mostly to food and impulse purchases for the baby).

You might not be up the creek without a paddle. There might be headway you just can't see. You worked da*n hard for that degree and for those $15 an hour. So take care of your earnings by truly looking at where it's going.

But, s, I know that the end of the money wonder at where it all went is so defeating.