Please share what your husbands/partners do to help parent run the household

[That Is Nice]

I would really like to survey what the husbands/partners of working mothers are doing to run the household.

If you are a part time professional mother who works the same day time hours (not nights and weekends where you can switch off childcare) and who is married or partnered with a full time professional who tends to work lots of overtime and late hours, and who leaves the house early and rarely takes any vacation or sick leave, all the better, because that is my situation going on several years nows.

I need to know what your partner does so that I can adjust my expectations, if need be, which my own husband says are unreasonable given his career. (and he is unsupportive of a SAHPing role for either of us...we both need to work which is the current status).

So, what do your husbands/partners do, and do you need to ask them to do these things before they do them?

And who gets up with the kids? It's the weekend (Sunday) and I got up both days with my child who awakened at 6:30 and DH sleeps in until 9:00 and then takes a shower, so he's basically not even starting his day until 9:00 or 10 a.m. and that happens every weekend!

Thanks!

[Ellien C]

DH does at least half the laundry. He tends to do regular laundry, while I have to do "special projects" like sheets, towels, delicates etc.

DH does grocery shopping every weekend. I make him a list - it's not perfect but we work it out. Eg. I asked for frozen entrees for lunch (not less than 350 calories) and he bought frozen DINNER entrees - like for the family.

We split the cooking. This I asked him to do at some point when I was overwhelmed. We each cook 3 nights a week and leftovers or eat out on the third night.

He does drop-off at school-daycare and I do pickup. He feeds DD breakfast and I make her lunch. All through pre-school he made the food or prepped bottles with BM. I was overwhelmed.

Sick days we split - according to who's schedule can take it. I've had "marathon monday's" for the last year and it hasn't been easy for me to take off. He knew this. When our DD had to go home early from pre-school a few times we just worked it out.

I pretty much arrange ALL playdates, plan birthday parties and have somehow become responsible for arranging summer camps, now. I have left for the weekend and told him that he needed to take DD to some party AND buy a gift before hand.

We split bedtime - 3 nights a week for each of us but he keeps DD up WAY too late on his nights, so I feel like I have to be the bedtime police. That part stinks. As a result of this, we are often up long before DD. On the rare occasions one of us is sick or needs to sleep later, the other one is usually up and takes care of the kid.

I have to say though that one of the reasons I married my husband is that he told me he'd be happy being a househusband. He was not and is not "career ambitious" and that was A-OK with me because I *was* career ambitious and I didn't want 2 high-powered career parents. It hasn't worked out for him to stay home or go part-time mostly because I think it's fear-based on his part. I make a good salary on my own and I"m kind of like- buddy - if you want to quit, quit - we'll "scrape" by on my salary. Millions of people do! But he can't see it that way. He hates his job but feels pretty trapped by it.

I'm not sure that you are ever going to have this kind of "equally shared parenting" in your situation. I think there is a blog and/or website along those lines. You might try googling.

[Geofizz]

My DH is currently a SAHD. Last year we were both working full time or more. At that time duties were split:

Me:
Laundry
A bit more than half kid pickup/drop off
Most of am getting out the door coordination
Homework, school paperwork
Meal agenda for each week
Half cooking
Sweeping/keeping counters clear

DH:
Folding laundry
Groceries
Dishes
Half cooking
Bills
Lots of high energy kid play

With DH as SAHD, the main change is shifting the balance of how much cooking we do, and he oversees more homework. The house is also generally neater and cleaner than it was before.

[34me]

I work part time, exaxctly school hours for our three. I do everything but maintain the sprinkler system. He goes to work sometime between 7-8a, gets there an hour later and is home between 6-7p. He works part of many weekends as well. When I get overwhelmed I ask the kids for help because it's not going to come from him. I had to adjust to that reality a long time ago.

[spedteacher30]

Not knowing anything of your financial situation, it sounds like it is time to hire someone to do some of the work he can't/won't do. it is too much to expect you to do everything AND work 40 (plus?) hours a week at a mentally demanding job. At the very least, I would hire someone to clean the house a couple times a month (weekly ideally) and seriously consider getting groceries delivered (unless you enjoy the grocery shopping experience). Is there anyone who children go to your child's school/daycare and live nearby? Maybe you can swap doing morning dropoff or evening pickup a couple days a week to build in a little more flexibility for you--either to work longer hours or get some projects done.

[GuildJenn]

I work full time and my DH works full+ time.

My DH consistently takes responsibility for, house wise:

- the cat litter, because this is his symbolic task
- takes out the garbage
- cleans up after himself (wipes sink after shaving, puts things in the dishwasher, takes his work files off the table, etc.)
- about 1/3 to a 1/2 the yardwork
- home reno stuff although this is wobbly - if it's urgent he does it, but we have like a 2-yr-old list of things to do that isn't getting done right now

He also pitches in when/if I raise the flag like "I have a huge deadline this week can you please get the groceries." So that is something. But he is not directly responsible for those things.

I do:
- Meal planning, shopping, 95% of the cooking
- kitchen cleaning (other than the dishes/wipe up), fridge cleaning, bathrooms
- vacuuming dusting windows etc. Essentially all the cleaning.
- organizing sorting decluttering and kid stuff
- 1/2 to 2/3 the yardwork
- bill paying & financial planning (taxes we do together)
- clothes shopping, social planning, birthdays, Christmas, holiday booking

We each maintain our own car (badly I might add :P)

However, childcare wise:

- every morning my son and I get up, read a book, then I get ready for work and get us both breakfast. Then I walk out the door and my DH gets our son washed and dressed, figures out what he needs for daycare (snack, foster child money, project stuff, books, etc.) and gets that, and takes him to daycare.

- I usually do pick up, but my DH backs me up so if I get stuck in traffic or something, he leaves to get our son, esp. on the days he works from home. So I would say he picks him up 1/5 to 2/5 of the time.

- I generally do bedtime, but my DH plays with our son first while I clean the kitchen. So really that is even. Also I like the cuddle time so it's not really a parenting chore.

- sick days, my DH and I split pretty 50-50 if it's a long illness but he has more flexibility so he takes the first day

- weekends we are with our son about equally; we each 'take the lead' on an activity - we'll back each other up for sure though

- DH looks after haircuts and baths

I do more chores and I definitely invest more energy in our housework. But my DH is a completely equal parent (and he wasn't, before I went back to work). And he has my back. So it works for us.

And oh, getting up on weekends. Mostly we each have a day to sleep in. However my DH often has to work until 2-3 am on weekends, so on those mornings I get up, and then if he has a weekend 'off' he gets up both days. I'd say it's reasonably equitable although not completely equal.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I work full time and my DH works full+ time.

My DH consistently takes responsibility for, house wise:

- the cat litter, because this is his symbolic task
- takes out the garbage
- cleans up after himself (wipes sink after shaving, puts things in the dishwasher, takes his work files off the table, etc.)
- about 1/3 to a 1/2 the yardwork
- home reno stuff although this is wobbly - if it's urgent he does it, but we have like a 2-yr-old list of things to do that isn't getting done right now

He also pitches in when/if I raise the flag like "I have a huge deadline this week can you please get the groceries." So that is something. But he is not directly responsible for those things.

I do:
- Meal planning, shopping, 95% of the cooking
- kitchen cleaning (other than the dishes/wipe up), fridge cleaning, bathrooms
- vacuuming dusting windows etc. Essentially all the cleaning.
- organizing sorting decluttering and kid stuff
- 1/2 to 2/3 the yardwork
- bill paying & financial planning (taxes we do together)
- clothes shopping, social planning, birthdays, Christmas, holiday booking

We each maintain our own car (badly I might add :P)

However, childcare wise:

- every morning my son and I get up, read a book, then I get ready for work and get us both breakfast. Then I walk out the door and my DH gets our son washed and dressed, figures out what he needs for daycare (snack, foster child money, project stuff, books, etc.) and gets that, and takes him to daycare.

- I usually do pick up, but my DH backs me up so if I get stuck in traffic or something, he leaves to get our son, esp. on the days he works from home. So I would say he picks him up 1/5 to 2/5 of the time.

- I generally do bedtime, but my DH plays with our son first while I clean the kitchen. So really that is even. Also I like the cuddle time so it's not really a parenting chore.

- sick days, my DH and I split pretty 50-50 if it's a long illness but he has more flexibility so he takes the first day

- weekends we are with our son about equally; we each 'take the lead' on an activity - we'll back each other up for sure though

- DH looks after haircuts and baths

I do more chores and I definitely invest more energy in our housework. But my DH is a completely equal parent (and he wasn't, before I went back to work). And he has my back. So it works for us.

Thanks! OK, this is great! It helps me see what is reasonable for other people and what I could potentially suggest (again) and try to work on.

My DH does all the first things mentioned that your husband does with the exception of two.

But the latter things? DH almost never does any of them, other than baths. I think the latter things are the main stressors and the main overloaders. They need to be shared a bit more.

But, see, DH can point to the first list of things and say he does contribute. ANd that's his mindset.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by 34me

I work part time, exaxctly school hours for our three. I do everything but maintain the sprinkler system. He goes to work sometime between 7-8a, gets there an hour later and is home between 6-7p. He works part of many weekends as well. When I get overwhelmed I ask the kids for help because it's not going to come from him. I had to adjust to that reality a long time ago.

How did you come to terms with this, make that adjustment?

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Thanks! OK, this is great! It helps me see what is reasonable for other people and what I could potentially suggest (again) and try to work on.

My DH does all the first things mentioned that your husband does with the exception of two.

But the latter things? DH almost never does any of them, other than baths. I think the latter things are the main stressors and the main overloaders. They need to be shared a bit more.

But, see, DH can point to the first list of things and say he does contribute. ANd that's his mindset.

It's funny because my DH looks at the same list and says "Thank you so much for taking on the house. I know you do so much work."

[Geofizz]

As DH's paid out-of-the-house work load shifts from 0-60 hours/week, our overarching approach is that we contribute equal time to the family upkeep. Working hours contributes to family ($$) as does cleaning toilets. As DH's working hours drop, he does more around the house, reducing my efforts.

We also have an agreement to not keep very close tabs on contributed time, and we also speak up quickly when one of us is feeling put upon.

Off to move the laundry then back to work for me.

[34me]

We've been married almost 20 years, had kids for 16 of those. When we first had kids he was a SAHD and was in school. He totally kept the house up and we shared parenting. When the kids were 3 and 1 he graduated and started working full time. He really hasn't been an equal partner with the house stuff since ( around this time I changed jobs to PT). As the kids got older and had crazier schedules I got more overwhelmed. But crying, yelling, calm rational discussions didn't really get me anything. Soooooo since I didn't like the resentful person I had become I knew I had to change my expectations. He's not going to clean the kitchen after I cook as had been the agreement when we first married, he will leave the pile of clean laundry on the couch until we wear it all again, etc. It's still a work in progress on my part and I'm lucky that as the kids get older they are less
needy and morehelpful. I don't know what what will hapen when they are gone. I will probably stp doing for him altogether.

[crunchy_mommy]

We're in a slightly different situation -- I WAH full-time (about to switch to part-time though) and DH WOH full-time and we have no childcare. But anyway... my DH is awesome.

He does:
-all dishes
-all laundry
-most of the cooking
-most of the general house maintenance
-most of the general cleaning
-most of the yard work

I do:
-all the finances
-all the family planning (activities etc.)
-a little cooking
-organizing
-about half the errands

We together do:
-the other half of the errands
-major cleaning of the house

Doesn't look like I do a whole lot but I have CFS & I am working while watching DS, plus I BF 20+ times a day and hold DS for all naps and wake up every 1/2 - 1 hour all night long with DS, so I am very low on energy! We all sleep in on the weekends but if I need to sleep in even longer, DH will take DS for an hour or so. I'm switching to part-time & DH is getting a more demanding job, so I expect to take over at least some of the cooking/laundry/dishes, but we'll see how it goes!

ETA: Maybe you guys could list all the household responsibilities (from laundry to baths to paid work to grocery shopping) and agree on a "point value" for each one. Then go through the whole list and determine how many "points" you each are responsible for. I don't think anything can ever be 50/50 but if you feel there is a large imbalance of responsibilities, it could help your DH see the gap.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It's funny because my DH looks at the same list and says "Thank you so much for taking on the house. I know you do so much work."

That really is the big difference isn't it? Attitude and acknowledgement.

I know what my DH would say because he said it last week, and the week before. He would say, "that is why you work part time, isn't it?" Oh, well. I'm just going to have to suck it up until the housing market improves and then he'll have to become a better person or we'll raise our child together but separately. That's the plan, anyway.

[Alyantavid]

I work full time 7-3:30 weekdays. Dh works off and on weekends or weekdays and has 1 class 2 nights a week.

He does:
drop off every morning, I leave before anyone else wakes up
makes ds1 lunch
picks up both boys, usually, depends on his work schedule
makes dinner once or twice a week
takes care of the cows
fixes anything and everything
puts the kids to bed when he's home (this is huge for me, bedtime is a struggle right now)
most yard/garden work
half the grocery shopping
boys' haircuts
all the bills
cleaning the bathtubs/showers

I do:
most cooking
all laundry (except his scrubs, he does those)
meal planning
most cleaning

We split homework stuff depending on who's home. Kid activities, we both go to, drop off, whatever. He has coached t-ball the last 2 years. And he does take the boys dirt bike riding and golfing while I'd rather stay home.

[Grace and Granola]

I am not full time out of the house, but I do care for other kids while I'm at home. So, 50 hours per week I'm caring for other people's kids. Maybe i don't fit your requirements exactly, but I do want to chime in because we have had to hash out our arrangement here so that I don't feel like I do everything. DH works 60+ hours per week from home.

We decided to give dh two regular household chores that are ongoing and consistent. TWO, because more than that he would get overwhelmed by the sheer number of tasks to juggle! So, dh does the dishes and the laundry. He also has always done the trash and yardwork. We have also started having him do two bedtimes per week, Friday and Sunday, so that I can actually leave the house sometimes! He also spends and hour after dinner each evening with the boys. Totally focused on being with them. He does the bills.

I do all housecleaning, all cooking, all baths, grocery shopping.

It is so hard to find an arrangement that works. I like the idea of listing all of the duties and picking an equitable number of items. The one thing I still feel burdened by is that I do nearly everything that sustains our children. I plan/prepare/feed every meal and snack, change their clothes, bathe, brush teeth. Those things really weigh me down, and I do wish their was more of a contribution from dh on the things that really are caring for the kids.

good luck to you

[ALittleBitCrunchy]

I'd say we're fairly 50/50. It's been that way since the first day we were married so it really has nothing to do with parenting time...it just evolved that way. We've always been a family with 2 FT working adults. With commutes, he's gone about 50 hours a week and I'm gone about 45, so fairly even split.

We split household stuff based on what we would prefer to do. I do the grocery shopping, cooking, teaching (we're a school at home family), appointments, errands... DH does all of the outside stuff, most of the car stuff, 85% of the cleaning, 100% of the laundry. We both do bills and are both responsible for everything diabetes related, although I am more of a researcher.

As far as parenting, we're pretty split. I'd say we spend equivalent amounts of time with the kids (this is intentional - we build our schedules this way). We used to rotate night-time wake-ups and then we rotated bedtimes and now the kids put themselves to bed. Same with baths - we typically alternated. We both follow the same 'rules' about behavior so no "good parent v mean parent" issues. I tend to read to them more, he tends to run around the backyard with them more. He is the one they go to with bumps and bruises and I'm the one that settles their disputes. We each have our own knacks and the kids know it, too. We alternate as caretaker on sick days, too - unless my mom is available (she is willing to watch sick kids ) so that neither of us gets the job grief of too many call offs. Now, things change all the time and we sometimes have to shuffle things. For instance, he does all basketball practices with DS because I'm still at work. Sometimes, schedules just require one of us to step up and do something every time...but we prefer to have split responsibility. And, when DH was laid off 2 years ago, he took over most of the jobs. Seemed fair to both of us.

So, for us, it's even and we don't even talk about it. Just works that way.

[staceychev]

Me:
Basic maintenance cleaning
Grocery/cooking (my preference, but he'll do it sometimes too)
laundry

Him:
stereotypical "man chores": garbage, recycling, yard work
Pet stuff: cat box, walking the dog
Major cleaning: mudroom, tops of cabinets
Upkeep and renovation on our circa 1886 house

Shared:
Bedtime, bathtime
Helping DD clean her room
Vacuuming, dusting, mopping
Dinner dishes

Really, a lot of it depends on what we're better at. I do better at maintenance cleaning, but he's the type who will empty out and reorganize a closet, which I'll never do. I love to cook, but when he cooks, he needs guidance. There's also very little on our own lists above that haven't been done by the other. (I can strip old paint off of windows, too...)

As far as getting up with the kiddo goes... I'm a morning person and he's not, so I don't mind that he doesn't get up with her, because I know that often he's working on his business or our finances after I go to bed. That doesn't mean that I won't ask him for a sleep-in day once in a while. FWIW, my sister and BIL who both work FT and go to bed at similar times each have an arranged sleep-in day per weekend. I know that Saturdays are my sister's, so I don't call before 9:30 or so then!

[cchrissyy]

DH does 1/2 the pickups/dropoffs and a full 1/2 of the cleaning and household shopping. we split bedtime and midnight wakings evenly.

he does a disproportionate amount of the meals (all of them!) and dishes.

I do a disproportionate amount of the things that require missing work, such as Dr appointments and sick child days. I also do most of the laundry, family scheduling, and all the finances.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

If you are a part time professional mother who works the same day time hours (not nights and weekends where you can switch off childcare) and who is married or partnered with a full time professional who tends to work lots of overtime and late hours, and who leaves the house early and rarely takes any vacation or sick leave, all the better, because that is my situation going on several years nows.

I'm a PT professional mom (though my hours are very flexible. That being said, I'm away traveling for work one full work week a month) and DH is a FT professional in a demanding/stressful profession. Our DS is 7 and in 1st grade. We have after school care two days a week for him.

Me:

• Take DS to school and pick him up after school or from after school care (except for the week I'm away, when we arrange extra afterschool care, arrange with friends and my MIL to pick DS up and take him to activities, etc. and then DH does drop off and pick up)
  
• Arrange most activities (swimming, art class, etc.) and take him to most of them (again, see above about the week away, when we *both* work to cobble together care)
  
• Most cooking during the week
  
• Laundry
  
• *Remembering* and organizing family stuff/family management (cat to the vet, arrangements to meet up with friends, etc., etc.)
  
• Buying birthday gifts, school clothes, etc.
  
• "Normal" bill paying (DH has ADD so it's better if I do it!)

• What DH does:
  
• All cooking during the weekend; including enough to have left overs for one or two meals during the week
  
• all meal planning
  
• (almost) all food shopping (if he forgets something or we find out we need something during the week, i may pick it up)
  
• Puts DS to bed (teeth brushing, bedtime story, etc.)
  
• Helps DS with homework
  
• Takes care of things the week a month I'm away
  
• Taxes, investments, pension stuff
  
• Takes out garbage
  
• Correspondence with companies; arguments/complaints (unfortunately) with service providers about billing, bad service, etc., etc.
  

What we share:

• Making lunch and school snack for DS (I do it about 70% of the time, DH does it about 30% of the time). It's really who thinks about it first in the morning
  
• Breakfast for DS (see above about who gets to it first in the morning)
  
• Load/unload dishwasher (about 75% of the time. DS is learning to help, though)
  
• We don't have a consistent bath schedule for DS, so if we notice he's kind of grungy, one of us will generally get him in the bath.
  
• Take recycling to recycling pick up points (I probably do this more because my tolerance for it building up around the house is less)
  

What DS does:

• Sets the table for dinner
  
• Helps clear the table for dinner (the one who made dinner doesn't have to clear the table)
  
• Puts up his own clothes in his drawers
  
• Straightens up his room
  
• Is beginning to help with loading/unloading the dishwasher

What we outsource:

• Two days a week of after school care
  
• Cleaning the house! (a major marriage saver)
  
• Ironing! (the cleaning lady also irons!)
  
• Major yard work (small European yard, but still more than we want to devote a lot of time to, so we hire a friend twice a year to do major maintenance)

Also, DS is old enough to get up himself on the weekends and watch TV for a while (yes, we let him watch around an hour or two of tv while we sleep on weekends. He's old enough and we trust him and the sleep makes us better parents!)

When he was younger, we alternated. i got up one morning, DH got up the other morning.

Our system isn't perfect, but it works for us and we're pretty happy with how things are going.

[mambera]

Right now I am part-time, working two full days plus a few odd hours here and there. DH is working full-time, but two days a week he works from home and acts as back-up for the nanny.

We are definitely not 50-50 but that wouldn't make sense the way our schedules are.

Cooking: I cook on the days I am home. The days I work, we eat leftovers or takeout, or sometimes go to a restaurant. Dishes are about 50-50 or maybe DH does them slightly more often, though he is bad about pots. I usually wash the baby bottles and my pumping stuff.

Laundry: I do mine and the baby's on a regular basis. He'll finish a load of diapers if I start it before I leave for work and tell him what to do. Sometimes I'll do a load of his clothes if I feel like it. I make a big laundromat run every few months to do comforters or when the laundry pile gets out of control, I think DH's stuff mostly gets done at those times. (He has a ton of clothing so he can just wait it out.)

Cleaning: Mostly outsourced, we have cleaning ladies once a month. DH vacuums occasionally and I'll wipe out the bathrooms if they're gross. He almost always takes out the trash and recycling. I do all the 'picking up' bc DH doesn't see neatness as important really. He tends to accumulate clutter which I then have to eliminate over his protests

Child care: I do more than DH but he does a lot. Feeding solids and diapering are about 50/50 (well maybe I do somewhat more diaper changes). I do baths, nursing (obviously) and all the nighttime parenting (she dream-feeds all night long though she rarely actually wakes). I do all the pediatrician stuff. DH plays with and entertains DD a lot, which I rarely do - I usually just haul her around while doing chores.

Shopping: Is pretty much 50/50. I walk to the store for small things. He does larger runs on the way home from work, or we go together on the weekends. I don't have to tell him what to get, he knows what we have just like I do.

Finances:It's all him, I just sign where he tells me to. I hate that stuff. We also have moved house a couple of times and are thinking about buying, and he pretty much does all that research. He also does all the arrangements for services like phone, cable, etc.

I can see that some of this stuff might make me resentful when I go back to working more hours. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't start cooking if I worked more, and he definitely wouldn't get neater. We'd just eat more takeout and have a messier house. I couldn't be too resentful though bc it's not like DH is asking me to do stuff. He doesn't care if he eats takeout every night, and he doesn't care if the house is messy, and he's not asking me to do his laundry. We each choose to do the tasks we see as important.

Sometimes I get annoyed at the fact that he just isn't as tied to the baby as I am. E.g. he will just go take a 2-3 hour nap in the middle of a weekend afternoon. I would never do that, and if I do need some time to take a shower or pump milk or cook or something I always tell him so he can take DD. But I recognize that a lot of this is just the unavoidable result of baby needing mom more in the early years, and will likely get better as DD gets older.

I do suspect he will naturally take on more of the child care as DD gets older and especially after she weans. She is 9 mo right now and babies just need a whole lot of momma. And DH is a very involved and hands-on dad (which is one of the great things I love about him and a major one of the reasons I married him).