3 yo refusing to do self-care tasks

[flatstanley72]

My 3 y.o. DD has started refusing to brush her teeth, take a bath, and wash hands after using the potty. She will also wait as long as possible until she is uncomfortable before using the potty. Anyone else experience this or have ideas for how to handle it? Everything is becoming a power struggle lately, which doesn't feel good for either one of us.

[jeliphish]

Don't have any advice as we are in the exact same boat with our 3 year old. Ugh....

[sarahr]

We often have that problem. We pick our battles -- tooth brushing once a day is non-negotiable, daily bathing is. DD isn't yet potty trained (sigh), so that's a different issue altogether.

If you reduce the number of "requirements," would it be easier to enforce the really important ones?

[sapphire_chan]

Are things set up so that she could, if she chose, do them herself?

Do you have a set routine leading up to brushing and bath? Lots of people have luck with picture charts for routines. So the child can both know that first dinner, then a game, then toilet, then wash hands, then... then story, then bed, and can also look at the chart and be the one to tell what's going to happen next.

Ditto for the morning.

The waiting to use the potty thing you might be able to help with reminders and also having a little potty in the bathroom so it doesn't matter if she holds it until you going to the bathroom reminds her.

[Tjej]

My DD is 4 now, but at 3 she would often not want to do self-care things she was capable of doing. Sometimes we would insist she do it herself, but for the most part she wanted to be together. So if we would just join her IN the bathroom while she did her stuff, she'd do it. SOMETIMES, that wasn't enough, and she really was just having one of those days where she wanted to be pampered a bit. We do/did. I do encourage DD to do things for herself that she can, and point out that "she did it!", but if she wants some help sometimes, well, I sometimes want help with things I CAN do too.

Tjej

[staceychev]

Just to interject, mostly everything I've read says that you should be helping with tooth brushing until first grade. More important that the teeth get brushed well. We alternate usually--she brushes in the a.m., and I do the night-time.

I dunno. I still help my 4.5YO with a lot of things. Doesn't bother me too much. I've got her whole life for her to do things without me.

[lonegirl]

No realhelp...but wanted you to knowyou aren't alone. My son(3y3m) still has help with just about everything.He is unable to dress himself at this stage...If his pants are on and unbuttoned he take them down and pull them up to have a pee. He can put on his crocs, but not regular shoes. He will wash his hands if I turn the water on (even though he can reach with his stool). I don't know....I thought it was normal at this age.

[flatstanley72]

Thanks for the replies. I think I wasn't clear in my original post. I didn't mean that she won't do her toothbrushing and handwashing by herself. I don't mind helping her/doing it for her. She just flat out refuses to either do it herself or to allow us to do it. If we try to help her brush her teeth or wash her hands, she runs away screaming, but she also doesn't want to do it herself. She just doesn't want to do it at all. I do think reducing the number of requirements is a good idea. We are planning to stop trying daily baths. But I have only been trying to get her to brush teeth once a day anyway and I do feel like once a day toothbrushing is necessary. As for the handwashing, I don't know. I feel like washing hands after pottying shouldn't be optional, but I can't really make her do it either. It just seems gross and unhygienic to go around touching toys and putting her thumb in her mouth etc. after pottying without washing hands.

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by flatstanley72

She just flat out refuses to either do it herself or to allow us to do it. If we try to help her brush her teeth or wash her hands, she runs away screaming, but she also doesn't want to do it herself.

Ah yes. Then that sounds like 3, to me. Baths were a nightmare at that age. Really, I totally thought she was turning into the Wicked Witch of the West and was going to melt if she came into contact with water.

[bdoody11]

Originally Posted by flatstanley72

Thanks for the replies. I think I wasn't clear in my original post. I didn't mean that she won't do her toothbrushing and handwashing by herself. I don't mind helping her/doing it for her. She just flat out refuses to either do it herself or to allow us to do it. If we try to help her brush her teeth or wash her hands, she runs away screaming, but she also doesn't want to do it herself. She just doesn't want to do it at all. I do think reducing the number of requirements is a good idea. We are planning to stop trying daily baths. But I have only been trying to get her to brush teeth once a day anyway and I do feel like once a day toothbrushing is necessary. As for the handwashing, I don't know. I feel like washing hands after pottying shouldn't be optional, but I can't really make her do it either. It just seems gross and unhygienic to go around touching toys and putting her thumb in her mouth etc. after pottying without washing hands.

Three is such a fun age, isn't it? We definitely struggle over control issues, not wanting to do certain required things, etc. For my daughter I think some of it was not wanting to take the time to do something because there are so many other fun/interesting things to do. I require toothbrushing 2x per day, but this is what has really worked for us. I call it "20 Second Teeth." She sits and I count out loud until 20 while I brush and then we're done (their mouths are so small, you can get it done surprisingly well in this short of time). It has literally stopped the tooth brush battle. As for the waiting to pee until the last minute, we talk about going when you feel the urge, but there is not much else I can do. Reminding her does nothing. I just keep a lot of extra clothes around and in my purse. She will just out grow it. Hand washing is an issue too, but we try to give choices. "Do you want to wash in the bathroom or the kitchen? Do you want to wash in the sink or wipe your hands with a cloth?" That sort of thing. I personally am not a fan of it, but gel hand sanitizer might be a good compromise. Again, it can be done "on the go." We don't require daily baths and she will often just jump in the shower with either my husband or I. This will change this summer as it gets hotter and we have been periodically warning her about this to get her ready for this transition.

I hope some of these suggestions help. I know what it is like to have power struggles. You can try, when in doubt, to use distraction and humor to achieve the end result. My DH is great at this and I'm trying to be better. As always, this too shall pass.

[pbjmama]

My method is to use the child's next request to motivate them to do the required task. You want to play a game? We can as soon as your teeth are brushed! Followed by choice - do you want me to brush your teeth or will you do it yourself?

My ds also knows that he gets privileges that go along with taking care of his body. It is part of being responsible and that is something we value - I let him know I'm proud of him and his contributions to our family.

[meemee]

first of all let me say that is dead on typical age appropriate behaviour.

how you handle it depends on your philosophy.

that is the age they start their irrational fears too. so i let it go. we wouldnt brush our teeth everyday. i kinda just followed her lead. we would build up to prepare to brush teeth. if it was still huge for her we wouldnt do it.

however by teh time she was 5 she had a conversation with me and her dentist later on and decided it would be a better idea to brush her teeth even though she didnt really like it.

the key is knowing the right moment. is it the moment to insist or the moment to give in. i made mistakes but it overall it worked.

so i would say do what feels comfortable to you - not what standards others set up. dont follow the norm. for instance one fo the things my dd loves saying is how she had dinner for bfast. somedays we eat dinner stuff for bfast.

[kyndmamaof4]

My DD is 4 now, but at 3 she would often not want to do self-care things she was capable of doing. Sometimes we would insist she do it herself, but for the most part she wanted to be together. So if we would just join her IN the bathroom while she did her stuff, she'd do it. SOMETIMES, that wasn't enough, and she really was just having one of those days where she wanted to be pampered a bit. We do/did. I do encourage DD to do things for herself that she can, and point out that "she did it!", but if she wants some help sometimes, well, I sometimes want help with things I CAN do too.

Tjej

[plantmama]

Yes! They are so testy at 3!
My stance is that if you want to be the kind of parent who does have the final say now is the time to make that clear. I'm pretty flexible with my kids and a naturally laid back person so I had to learn the hard way. When something is non negotiable I have to say to myself that it is and that I will hold firm until it is done. For me that means stoically carrying them back to bathroom for hand washing or teeth brushing (both would fall into that camp for me) until they comply and not doing anything else (if possible now that I have 3 kids!) until it's done. It's a pain but for me I realized that it was worth having some authority with my kids. It makes us all feel safer and more secure knowing that I will take care of them. (This is my take on it and I respect that there are other great ways to parent.)
And I have struggled with this!

Also, I have a very inflexible and fiercely independent ds who is now 6. The teeth brushing thing was getting so tiresome at night and I told him why he needs to brush his teeth. I made sure to explain how unpleasant the dentists drill could be (ok maybe I did scare him a little) and he has taken brushing his teeth very seriously ever since. He really genuinely takes pride in keeping his teeth clean! And he's great at the dentist.
You could schedule a dentists appointment and have the dentist help you explain the importance?
We still struggle with hand washing and going to the bathroom before it's an emergency AND my 3 y/o ds adamently refuses to even use the potty so....
It's a crazy trip!

[PGTlatte]

Teeth brushing 2x a day is non-negotiable here, as both kids had decay issues by age 2. The only choice our younger son gets for that task are for me to do it with him standing up, or laying down. After the first set of fillings I decided that having his agreement for teeth brushing is nice, but not required. Since they've both had dental work done, they understand the consequences of not taking care of teeth, so the only time there is difficulty with teeth brushing is when someone's in a generally cranky mood or is resisting bedtime.

Baths we just skip if they don't want them, as long as they are not coated with mud or it hasn't been a full week since their last. If they are in a "no bath" phase then I clean individual parts as needed with a washcloth through the week.

Our 4 yo doesn't always like to wash hands. When he won't do it, I use wet ones wipes on his hands instead.

[mistymama]

I know it can be tiresome, but I think this is where some playful parenting really helps. We still use it for ds who is 7 .. ie, let's see who can get their clothes on first this morning!!

I'd try as much as you can to make those tasks into a game she will enjoy. Maybe you two sing a song together while she washes her hands, see who can make the most silly faces while brushing teeth ... I'm sure you can think of some fun games that she'll be into. It will help get the tasks done, and be less frustrating for both of you.

It's just a phase and IMO she'll pass through it quicker if no power struggles ensue and if you do not make a big deal out of it.

Good luck, I know it's frustrating!

[eepster]

Two things worked when DS went through that phase. The first was talking about why we do things, so we talked about how we need to wash our hands after using the toilet to get rid of potty germs. The second was just disengaging from the struggle and waiting him out. Fighting with mom about washing hands is engaging, standing in the bathroom without anything happening gets old fast.