the wistful response

[laughingfox]

I'm due next month, so I've been hearing the usual "Which hospital are you going to go to?" question a lot lately.
I get a lot of mixed responses when I tell people that I'm planning another homebirth, but lately more and more mamas have been getting sad looks on their faces and saying "I wish I'd known about options like that.." or "I wish I would have done that.."

Is anyone else getting that response? What do you say?
I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing and make them feel worse.

[emnic77]

I've had this happen once or twice. I didn't really know how to respond, both times I mentioned how my other two were hospital births and kind of carried the conversation away that way.

[*MamaJen*]

I get that one too, especially from slightly older women that really had very limited choices or access to information during their pregnancies. You know what was really sad, was hearing my mom say that. I'm the youngest of three, and my mom likes to tell the story about how on the night I was born, the hospital was really quiet, and they "let" her hold me and nurse me right after I was born, and it was really special to her. She didn't get that experience with my older siblings.
I think that if my mom had been pregnant in today's climate, she would have homebirthed.

[springfever]

I told an older lady I was planning a homebirth and that my previous birth is a c-section. She said that was great and that she had to have all 3 of her kids by c-section because it was "once a c-section, always a c-section" back then. It was really sad but I didn't know what to say. Sorry I'm not helpful but I can relate!

[Gena 22]

Great! I remember giving a wistful response myself. I was pregnant and on vacation when I ran into a equally pregnant couple. They happily told me they were planning a HB. I was wistful, and said how great I thought that was, but that since I was having twins I couldn't possibly . . .

Two or three weeks later this couple's plan percolated in my mind, and after a bad OB visit I started planning my own HB. Which was wonderful.

Thanks to that couple that started the ball going! It helps to share our experiences.

[flitters]

I've gotten a wistful response once or maybe twice (as opposed to the many, many other times I've gotten quite a different response) and I think I said something along these lines:

"It's unfortunate that information about alternatives to birthing in a hospital isn't more widely spread. It can be really hard to find good resources about homebirth and other options that could be so beneficial."

The conversation went really well afterwards.

[Chamsia]

I always express how grateful I am that I knew my choices. (In fact, I am an organic farmer, and know tons of hb families. I never considered anything else.) Depending on the person we may or may not get into a discussion about the birth industrial complex.

However, one proactive thing I did recently was to organize a forum on birth choices at my local library (through Holistic Moms, but it wouldn't need to be.) We had a panel of 12 folks: hospital and birth center professionals, hb midwives, doulas, and 2 UC mamas. About 40 folks came to the meeting and I feel really good about hopefully having opened some eyes.

Without ever trying to preach I've had 3 women tell me that knowing my family inspired their homebirth. It is a privelege that we get to share the good news that a normal birth is possible! So even if the wistful responder doesn't plan to have more babes, she may be able to pass the word on to others. So definitely use the opportunity to spread the word about birth options!

Best wishes for your birth!

[McMandy]

My mom had hospital births, so I know she's been living vicariously through my homebirths as shortly after we were born she got really into the natural birth scene. (Her best friend was a midwife and she was given the opportunity to be her assistant but turned it down because the hours can be crazy and she needed something more predictable since she had two young lils! She ended up being a childbirth educator with more emphasis on the natural end of thing, and helping others as a doula free of charge from time to time.)

Anyway, I do get those comments. In fact, usually the comments are either,

"Wow, I wish I had had the opportunity to do that."

or

"Wow, that sounds awesome, but I need my drugs, so of course, we have a hospital birth."

In fact, only recently did a get a shocked comment-

I mentioned to a woman that I had a midwife appointment and her mouth dropped open and she said, "Midwife? As in homebirth? Are you having a homebirth?"

She didn't say anything negative, but you could tell she wasn't aware that homebirthing was popular again. (You should have seen her eyes bug out when I told her our last baby was unassisted!)

Normally, my comment stays the same whether people are positive or negative about it, even when they say, "Man I wish we would have..." I simply say, "It was such a wonderful experience. It really made my husband and I closer."

We don't have to play it down just because others wish they would have had one- in fact, we should let them know how wonderful it is because maybe they'll encourage someone else- their daughters or sons- to look into it more when the time comes.

[Belle]

I'd much rather get that kind of response than the "You're so brave" comments.

One of the best ones was from my Aunt who claimed to be the first to have a natural birth in the hospital she gave birth in. (Well, I know she's not the first, my dh was born in that hospital about 6 years prior and he was almost born in a wheelchair) She fought tooth and nail for her natural birth and was so proud of her acheivement. I was a little sad that she had to fight for her birth but loved seeing her joy over the birth of her children and that of my homebirth.

[josie423]

My husband's grandmother had her 4 children in the 60's. Knocked out, no DH around, not around to see her baby after the birth. She is so wistful with me and I can tell she feels so guilty! I wish I knew how to help her, she is definitely suffering from her births 40+ years later.

[laughingfox]

I guess I can hope that somehow their new knowledge that this is a real and doable thing will help them (or help someone they know) to know their options. That does make me feel a little better.

I just wish I knew what to say to make those other mamas feel better, too.