Bringing your own food to a birthday party... is it rude? - Page 5

[spottiew]

Originally Posted by philomom

Taking your own food is rude. Plus, the other kids may notice and raise a fuss. Pre-feed your daughter, so she won't be hungry and offer her whatever you think is okay at the party.

my son's friends' families always bring their own food to outings and gatherings- that way, they know they have something they like. no one wants the kids to have nothing they can eat or a child who is over-hungry, so we are all used to it. but i guess as a group, it's mostly made up of picky eaters so we just understand one another. if it were me holding the party, i wouldn't think it was rude if people brought their own- i would think it was smart and responsible of them.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

The problem with this is that allergies, intolerances, and even preferences disguised as such then get all lumped together in the minds of some. Then people like my little sister, who has a life threatening shellfish allergy, has to worry if people take her seriously. The word allergy is overused and it is losing it's very important meaning. I'm NOT saying that food intolerances are not important.

I agree with you totally... in a perfect world, it would be nice for everyone to be educated enough to know that an intolerance isn't life threatening, but it's equally serious as an allergy. And that an anaphylactic allergy is actually life-threatening. But since that will never be the case as most people don't care unless it affects them directly, a person has to use whatever language will get their point across. For my dd and me, I'd rather people think she could die from her food intolerance and me from my coconut allergy than to not pay the condition any regard.

I disagree that the term "allergy" is losing its important meaning. I think when it's used, people who don't have an allergic person in their life immediately think of "peanut allergy" and "can die just by touching it". If anything, they take it more seriously than it needs to be taken for people with non-ana allergies and intolerance.

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

this. my kids never ate much at parties because they are so over excited.




also a great option if having even one nibble is a big deal.

I personally find it annoying when people say they have allergies that they don't have. If you are going to take your own food, just be honest and polite about it. Don't lie to your friends -- it's tacky and annoying.

You also might want to check at the places the parties are being held and find out the rules for bringing in outside food. This may not *just* be about manners.

If her daughter reacts to certain foods she has an allergy or intolerance to them. Period. How is she a liar if she tells the hostess so? I'm sorry you find people with food issues annoying. HAVING food issues is annoying at times too. Especially when you are trying to navigate social events without trying to offend or find yourself reacting to the food. What would need to happen for you to consider her not a liar? Where do you draw the line? Are only severe life threatening peanut allergies really allergies to you? Only 'doctor approved' allergies?

[MissRubyandKen]

OP-

I would tell the hostess and bring your own food. You are going to have to get used to navigating these type of social gatherings for your dd. She is too little to do it herself. It is hard because sometimes people do roll their eyes and don't understand. Who cares. Let them. People do the same thing over many of our other choices too. Extended breastfeeding, co sleeping, homeschooling, etc. It is not going to change my choices. What's even harder is when close family members have intimate gatherings at home and are trying to be supportive, but prepare food that isn't okay for you to have without realizing it and knowing you should question all the ingredients or not eat it. That is hard. I have glutened myself more than once not wanting to be rude. BUT I tell you what if it were my child, no way no how would I let that happen. And I am getting better at navigating these situations as tactfully as possible for myself, which sometimes does include pre eating and snacking on safe items or bringing food if it is a potluck type situation or where bringing more food is okayed as helpful by the hostess and bringing a snack for myself.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by velochic

I agree with you totally... in a perfect world, it would be nice for everyone to be educated enough to know that an intolerance isn't life threatening, but it's equally serious as an allergy. And that an anaphylactic allergy is actually life-threatening. But since that will never be the case as most people don't care unless it affects them directly, a person has to use whatever language will get their point across. For my dd and me, I'd rather people think she could die from her food intolerance and me from my coconut allergy than to not pay the condition any regard.

I disagree that the term "allergy" is losing its important meaning. I think when it's used, people who don't have an allergic person in their life immediately think of "peanut allergy" and "can die just by touching it". If anything, they take it more seriously than it needs to be taken for people with non-ana allergies and intolerance.

The problem is, using "allergy" language isn't working. As a few people have stated in this thread already, some people just roll their eyes when they hear someone has an allergy, whether real or misstated. I wish everyone DID take it so seriously.

Obviously we disagree but I don't think that intolerances are equal to allergies. One can kill and the other doesn't. I'm sure that people can have some really awful reactions to certain foods. But it doesn't top death.

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

If her daughter reacts to certain foods she has an allergy or intolerance to them. Period. How is she a liar if she tells the hostess so? I'm sorry you find people with food issues annoying. HAVING food issues is annoying at times too. Especially when you are trying to navigate social events without trying to offend or find yourself reacting to the food. What would need to happen for you to consider her not a liar? Where do you draw the line? Are only severe life threatening peanut allergies really allergies to you? Only 'doctor approved' allergies?

Because her daughter does not have an allergy and there is a difference. Yes, an intolerance can have an effect that is highly undesirable or maybe just mildly unpleasant. An allergy can mean a rash or it can mean anaphalaxysis. An allergy is a different physiological reaction than an intolorance. The bottom line is that ANY food issue should be respected but let's make sure that those who have a risk of dying from foods are kept alive.

[MissRubyandKen]

Okay, so basically those of you objecting would have no problem if the OP stated my dd has a food intolerance or food sensitivities? Fine. I get it. I often say I'm allergic to gluten just because I feel it is the simplest, easiest way to explain to people I can't eat gluten when they ask questions. Technically it isn't an allergy. I believe it is Celiac's disease, which would be an intolerance of gluten, an autoimmune disease. I have not been 'doctor approved' for this diagnosis. But if I eat gluten my guts are on fire, among other symptoms. Maybe it isn't Celiac's. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I can't eat gluten without reacting and the more I eat the worse it is. So maybe I should have to have long conversations with people about my personal gut problems instead of just telling them I'm gluten free and I'm allergic to gluten if they ask questions. I generally stick with "I can't eat gluten." But whatever. I highly doubt people would be more understanding or less eye rolling if I said food sensitivity or intolerance. Then you get, "Well just a couple bites of cake, you have to eat the cake, its *just* a sensitivity, it won't kill you, right", type comments.

So its okay if someone is allergic, vegan, vegetarian, religious, but those with food intolerances should just suck it up and eat the food and cake because otherwise they are rude and if it is their child they're depriving them otherwise. Really? Food intolerances are real and valid. Please ask yourself are you being intolerant simply because the person is using the 'wrong' wording or are you being intolerant because you feel food intolerances are less valid reasons and socially unacceptable to not eat particular foods possibly inconveniencing and/or offending someone. When someone says a person should eat a food anyway because it is just an intolerance that feels very disrespectful and disregarding to me.

[hildare]

Originally Posted by karika

In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality. I would probably not even go. I have a problem being around other people that are feeding their children what I consider to be poison to the human body. i have zero tolerance for it. there is so much evidence now to support the facts that food colorings cause reactions in all children. HFCS is proven to be bad for the body.... anyway, at 2 it isn't like she would even know there was a party she isn't going to. We are also GFCF and working on SF, for behavioral issues and because I have done the research. It is what is healthiest, IMO. Eating raw as much as possible (but not all, there is benefit to some foods cooked (and I haven't kicked the meat habit yet....) but what is served at Mc is not even qualified as meat IMO. It is from feed lot cows that were very unhappy most likely, and then the bits of meat that used to be unusable due to contamination possibilities are treated with ammonia and made in into patties for fast food and schools. http://www.newser.com/story/77225/da...unch-beef.html In my opinion, it is not food. So I wouldn't feel weird or bad at all about bringing real food for my child anywhere I go. I do in fact, and have for a long time since we were organic before that. To the posters that say a little is okay, once I read the things I have read and decided those things were poison for us, I cannot in good conscience give any to my child. If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do. I did like what one woman said that her children have never been restricted from those foods, and so they don't like the taste of them and refuse them, this may work when my dd is older and wondering about those other foods if the rest of the world is still eating it by then.... but we just started my daughter on the GFCF diet 6 wks ago (all of us girls are on it and feel awesome now) and she would still remember mcd... her dad used to take her there and me long ago when we travelled cross country. But now I know more and so I do things differently. I think the main reason people are still eating at places like that even after the NYT expose is they are afraid of change, and the ads (along with the alpha waves from the tv) have them in a state of half sleep. Or I could be wrong about it all... but anyway for now I would tell anyone that my dd is allergic to gluten, casein, food colors, HFCS, nitrates and nitrites.... and it is my opinion all humans are 'allergic' to these things... in that I do not believe the human body is meant to digest them and the chemicals were never meant to be food....

I totally agree.

[ShadowMoon]

Ethically, I would have an issue with DS attending birthday parties at McD's or fast food restaurants. (But that's not the point..)

DS is vegan so I fully anticipate having to bring food to parties or events that he can eat. I would probably make a vegan version of what might be served and even a few extras if others would like to try it. I, personally, don't think it is rude at all. I've been doing it for myself for years without issue. I would alert the host/ess beforehand just to give them a heads-up.

I would probably skip parties like this anyway. I would not be ok with DS having cheese pizza or some other type animal/chemical laden product "just this one time" because that is not food, (to us), and I don't dismiss my values or ethics just to make others comfortable. No one should have to. When he is old enough to make his own choices, so be it. For now though, we'll be bringing our own food if we choose to go.

[MammaG]

I think you're on the right track, OP, bringing a diaper-bag snack and getting apple wedges or salad for your child.

I know this isn't what you asked about, but I agree with pps who suggest maybe not going if you really feel that there won't be anything you can eat at these places (and it seems you don't feel so strongly). For me, I'd worry about the message I'd send to my kids about it sometimes being OK to go to especially McD's. Aside from the obvious problem of not wanting that 'food' in my growing children, I don't want my dollars going there; I won't support their practices in the business or CAFO industries. With the other CEC-like place, I'd worry about other no-nos besides the food (video games, etc).

I agree that sometimes it's OK to let our hair down and just ease up about the things I get up on my soapbox about, but I also don't want to let something slide if I really think it's THAT important. We do sometimes take our kids to places like fairs and fun-houses where they eat far less-than-ideal foods, but in the bigger picture, we choose independant businesses (never chains) and stress the OTHER things that make the trip special...the food is unfortunate but necessary, KWIM? In this case, I'd feel so uncomfortable at either party that I'd send regrets and then plan to do something really fun with the birthday boy/girl later on. It may be the kinder route for the hostess, too, as you run a (small in your case) risk of accidentally seeming to judge her choices for her child.

Sorry to hop onto the de-railed train...it just really got me thinking!

ETA: Re allergies. I have an allergy to some foods. Fresh pineapple, walnuts and strawberries make the skin in my mouth peel and I bleed for a few hours. It's only a topical reaction and it's certainly not life-threatening and I often ignore the resulting pain to enjoy a strawberry or two, but my doctors have always called it an allergy (I forget the name), so I don't see why I shouldn't also call it an allergy when I refuse a salad or a brownie made with walnuts.

[BetsyS]

I would take our own food, absolutely.

I also think it's odd that some people think it's not okay to use the word "allergy" unless it's anaphylactic, life-threatening, allergies. I'm allergic to mangoes. I break out something fierce, and it usually takes steroids to bring the rash/hives under control. Each time I've been exposed, the reaction has gotten worse and worse. Should I keep eating mangoes, and just hope that this isn't the time the allergy chooses to get bad enough to affect my breathing? Um, no. Allergies are allergies. Some are worse than others. But, all of them are our bodies way of telling us to avoid something.

[mamazee]

I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.

I agree. Everyone should be able to choose the food they/their kids want to eat without owing anyone an explanation. I don't understand why "life-threatening allergy" or "vegan" let me off the hook but "I don't like it" or "I want to eat healthy" or "I have an intolerance" would not. I don't think it's anyone else's business what you/your children eat. Of course be courteous & don't put down someone else's food, and let them know if they need an exact head count, but beyond that, no one owes anyone else an explanation about why they choose not to put something in their bodies. It's no different than choosing to not vax or not take Tylenol for a headache... you have a right to decide what goes into your body & it's not "rude" to refuse a pain-killer or a shot.

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Feed her before the party, then she won't want the food there. BUT, maybe let her have a little cake. The cake is kinda important to the birthday child. Even if you "help" her eat it. (eat most of it yourself)

Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

I think your own reasons for not wanting her to eat that food are extremely valid and important. If you prefer to bring some of her own food in, I think you should. It's family. She's two. Other than letting her have cake (even if you sneak it away from her after a few bites) I think not letting her have the party food is fine. It's harder to do in a few years, so you might as well take control now while you still can. I really wish I had paid more attention to nutrition when my daugter was little. I made some terrible choices back then.

I completely disagree. She should not feed her child cake if she has her child on a GF diet. Especially not just because it might be important to the birthday child to see her eating it. Not even because the child might feel she is missing out. If she has her on a GF diet there is a reason. And honestly I think giving a two year old a couple bites of cake and then taking it away would likely cause more distress than not having cake at all. If her daughter has an intolerance to gluten then she will likely need to be on a GF diet throughout her childhood. What precedence would having her eat cake to conform to societal expectations or 'just a few bites once in awhile' set up? Not a good one imo. Especially given food intolerances can affect the immune system.

[bandgeek]

Most of my friends have their children on some sort of restrictive diet because of allergies or intolerances and it doesn't bother me in the least when they bring their own cupcake or snack or whatever. I respect that they are doing the best thing for their child, no matter the reason behind it.

I find it insulting that some people think if it isn't a true allergy, avoidance of a food just means you are picky. I avoid MANY foods, and it's not because I don't like them. It's because they give me the runs, or indigestion, or bad heartburn. I won't subject myself to pain for days afterwards just to be polite at a party. Sorry. My anus deserves more respect than that.

And some diets, like veganism, ARE choices, but you wouldn't expect a vegan to just eat all the meat and dairy laden dishes just to be polite. Or I guess some people would, but I'd find that highly disrepectful.

As for the wording of it....yeah I agree you shouldn't use the word "allergy" but "intolerance" works just as well and is more accurate.

[annettemarie]

At this point, I have had to remove several posts that cross the line into taking issue with other members.

Rather than berating other members and telling them why you find them morally deficient for holding whatever position it is they hold that you disagree with, please instead focus on arguing the topic. Because if this continues, the thread will need to be closed.

Thanks, and feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by BetsyS

I would take our own food, absolutely.

I also think it's odd that some people think it's not okay to use the word "allergy" unless it's anaphylactic, life-threatening, allergies. I'm allergic to mangoes. I break out something fierce, and it usually takes steroids to bring the rash/hives under control. Each time I've been exposed, the reaction has gotten worse and worse. Should I keep eating mangoes, and just hope that this isn't the time the allergy chooses to get bad enough to affect my breathing? Um, no. Allergies are allergies. Some are worse than others. But, all of them are our bodies way of telling us to avoid something.

You have an allergy and many do typically get worse with each exposure. Intolerances don't. Think of someone who gets a headache when they have fermented foods. Or someone who is lactose intolerant. They usually have some gastric symptoms that repeat each time the offending dairy is consumed. Allergies involve an immune response and intolerances don't.

Sure anyone could use the word allergy if they want. But why not just say what is actually going on? For example; "I can't eat that" or "I have gluten intolerance" or "I'm vegan" or whatever. If someone doesn't respect that, not someone I'd want to be around anyway!

Originally Posted by mamazee

I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.

Nope, you don't owe anyone anything . I think a simple, no nonsense answer is best.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I agree. Everyone should be able to choose the food they/their kids want to eat without owing anyone an explanation. I don't understand why "life-threatening allergy" or "vegan" let me off the hook but "I don't like it" or "I want to eat healthy" or "I have an intolerance" would not. I don't think it's anyone else's business what you/your children eat. Of course be courteous & don't put down someone else's food, and let them know if they need an exact head count, but beyond that, no one owes anyone else an explanation about why they choose not to put something in their bodies. It's no different than choosing to not vax or not take Tylenol for a headache... you have a right to decide what goes into your body & it's not "rude" to refuse a pain-killer or a shot.

Absolutely . "I want to eat healthy" is a great reason to give, even though it is NO one's business what you eat or don't eat. This is the point I am trying to make, whatever you (general you) want to feed yourself and your family is your choice.

[ProtoLawyer]

For me...

"Do you mind if I bring some separate food for my daughter? She can't eat regular cake" = not rude. No reason to explain whether "can't" means an allergy/intolerance/vegan/etc. or she's just not allowed to, especially with a child so young. "I don't want to bore you with our health issues" usually ends the prying, if there is prying.

So long as your request is expressed in a non-judgmental manner--and the party's at a place that won't get shut down by the health inspector if you do bring in your own food--I think it's fine.

If I did have an ethical issue with McD's or Chuck's in general, I'd stay home altogether.

Where I think it gets dicey is with older children and food preferences (as opposed to dietary restrictions). I have a very picky 7-year-old (no allergies, intolerance, or sensory issues--just picky) and would not send her with separate food. (Not that this is usually an issue at a party--most fast-food/kid food is on her OK list, sadly.) She's got a good command of "no thank you" and just eating the parts of the meal she likes, and she's at an age where if she goes hungry for an hour because the meal has "green things" in it, disaster will not ensue. She can just eat after the party. Or maybe she'll be inclined to try the green things because all of her friends are enjoying them. Ha. Maybe.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by karika

In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality. I would probably not even go. I have a problem being around other people that are feeding their children what I consider to be poison to the human body. i have zero tolerance for it. there is so much evidence now to support the facts that food colorings cause reactions in all children. HFCS is proven to be bad for the body.... anyway, at 2 it isn't like she would even know there was a party she isn't going to. We are also GFCF and working on SF, for behavioral issues and because I have done the research. It is what is healthiest, IMO. Eating raw as much as possible (but not all, there is benefit to some foods cooked (and I haven't kicked the meat habit yet....) but what is served at Mc is not even qualified as meat IMO. It is from feed lot cows that were very unhappy most likely, and then the bits of meat that used to be unusable due to contamination possibilities are treated with ammonia and made in into patties for fast food and schools. http://www.newser.com/story/77225/da...unch-beef.html In my opinion, it is not food. So I wouldn't feel weird or bad at all about bringing real food for my child anywhere I go. I do in fact, and have for a long time since we were organic before that. To the posters that say a little is okay, once I read the things I have read and decided those things were poison for us, I cannot in good conscience give any to my child. If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do. I did like what one woman said that her children have never been restricted from those foods, and so they don't like the taste of them and refuse them, this may work when my dd is older and wondering about those other foods if the rest of the world is still eating it by then.... but we just started my daughter on the GFCF diet 6 wks ago (all of us girls are on it and feel awesome now) and she would still remember mcd... her dad used to take her there and me long ago when we travelled cross country. But now I know more and so I do things differently. I think the main reason people are still eating at places like that even after the NYT expose is they are afraid of change, and the ads (along with the alpha waves from the tv) have them in a state of half sleep. Or I could be wrong about it all... but anyway for now I would tell anyone that my dd is allergic to gluten, casein, food colors, HFCS, nitrates and nitrites.... and it is my opinion all humans are 'allergic' to these things... in that I do not believe the human body is meant to digest them and the chemicals were never meant to be food....

I agree with a lot of this. We don't follow a raw diet but I do follow an organic produce only, local grass fed beef and raw dairy, local pastured chicken, etc, no processed foods diet for DS. DS does not eat crap period.

And for those who have argued that once in a while won't hurt, you've never met my DS. ONCE at a family party DS had some cake and now, every time we go to that grandma's he's looking for cake. When we go to lunch every now and then, he's asking for cake. He now equates eating a meal not at home with getting cake. I don't want to deal with this with other foods like fries, or hamburgers, or pizza, or whatever else they consider kids foods.

I would do what a lot fo people suggested. Feed your daughter before you go and keep an eye on what food is being offered. I wouldn't eat a scrap at either place so maybe bring your own snacks for her and hope she's too busy to eat.

[texmati]

Not rude at ALL!!! take it from me, I've been a vegetarian back when it was super not cool to be one.

I'd mention that you are bringing someting to the host, out of politeness, and not worry about it. Your kiddo is too young to go hungry just to not offend someone. And you don't have to lie about allergies, you can just say that burgers and fries, or cheese pizza makes her ill. It's the truth!

ETA: I eat fast food 3-4 times a week , and still wouldn't touch McD's or Chuck E cheese with a 10 foot pole.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

"Do you mind if I bring some separate food for my daughter? She can't eat regular cake" = not rude. No reason to explain whether "can't" means an allergy/intolerance/vegan/etc. or she's just not allowed to, especially with a child so young. "I don't want to bore you with our health issues" usually ends the prying, if there is prying.

.

this is PERFECT!!!

I have issues with MSG. I call it an allergy. I don'tknow what the scientific definition is but if I have it my body freaks out. end of story. people understand that allergymeans you can't have it without negative results. Not all allergies are life threatening. that doesn't mean people want to go around exposing themselves to allergens. I really do not care enough to sit around and judge what people are eating. i do not care if it is a preference, a principal, an allergy or sensitivity. call it what you want. call it nothing and just say "I don't eat that". but if you are bringing your own food to something it is kind to alert the hostess (she may already be making special arrangements for you) and be respectful with what you bring. don't be showy or prideful, don't bring stuff other people, especially children, may prefer (one of my daycare kids would show up with pizza and happy meals. then I had to deal with 4 other screaming toddlers who a few minutes before had been perfectly happy with their pbandj and apple slices) etc.