My freinds and family lie, or maybe I really do have body dysmorphic disorder, but I don't think so.

[Kailey's mom]

I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder years ago, I don't believe I have this, I think the psychiatrist was just afraid I was going to crash diet, so he threw that diagnosis out there to try to make me feel better. Maybe he was trying to make me believe that what I see in the mirror is false, as a way to be nice.

Self esteem now is at it's worst. Nobody in my family wants to hear it. I admit, i'm like a broken record. I was humiliated when my dh saw me in just my underwear today. I didn't want him to see how gross I am.

All I keep hearing from my mom and dh is that it's in my head.

I don't think it's in my head at all, I think people are just afraid to be honest. That's all I want. Tell me I'm ugly and fat, and help me to get normal.

I have a psychiatrist, I have an appointment at the end of the month. I am feeling MORE depressed. I'm already on antidepressant medication. I have been for years. I am grossed out each time I look in the mirror. I just wish I looked average.

People say I am skinny. No, there is such thing as body fat. I may have a small frame, but it's full of fat.

I quit smoking cigarettes 15 days ago, Maybe this is some form of withdrawl, although I have experienced it before.

I know many people who are overweight, even some who are obese, who still look normal. I'm not looking to be a stick, I just want normal.

My self esteem just sucks ass, and I have to keep this quiet, I don't want my 3 year old to hear or think any of this nonsense.

This sounds so petty, but it does effect my daily life. There are days I don't want to leave the house, than there are days, especially in summer, where I have no issues with hitting the beach in a bikini * I was skinnier last summer though* ugghhh, I can't do that this summer.

Anyway before I quit smoking I was 113.5 lbs. I'm 5 foot 4 inches. I am guessing that I'm around 130 pounds now, although I have not been on a scale.

Anyone btdt? I guess this was mostly a vent, i dont' even know if it made sense.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

it is so hard when you dont like what you see when you look in the mirror. I wish you peace and a solution.

[~Adorkable~]

i offer you a hug and understanding

and since you asked us, i will say that from what little you have said it does feel to me that you have some fight with yourself going on, not sure that is body dysmorphic disorder or just plain depression. either way, please work on letting those that love you to love all of you.

your height and weight sounds fine to me btw

[Theia]

That would be hard, to gain weight like that as you are trying to make a positive change in your life style. Maybe you need an adjustment or new AD med. See if your Dr can recommend you to a counselor so you can talk out whatever you are going through. Don't try to do it alone, or just with the pills.

At your height and weight, I still wouldn't consider you overweight. Just go easy on yourself right now. You are making a big change and that is stressful on it's own.

[Oubliette8]

I find it hard to believe you gained 17 pounds in the 15 days since you stopped smoking. But either way, 113.5 and 130 lbs are all WELL within normal BMI for someone of your height. Have you talked to your regular doctor about your weight? They see quite a few overweight people, and most doctors will be frank if your weight is not ok, particularly if you're willing to bring it up.

Also, do you have a therapist you can talk to about this? In my experience psychiatrists tend to deal mostly with prescribing medications. A good therapist can help you figure out what you're feeling and why and how to change it so you feel more positive about yourself- whether thats losing weight if thats healthy for you to do, or working on changing your body image.

As to whether its body dysmorphic disorder or not, its hard for anyone to say. i think many women have similar negative feelings about their bodies, including those who are perfectly normal. You do sound unhappy with the way things are though, and so regardless of whether the DX is correct, it might help to talk to someone about it.

[Lilyoftheincas13]

I'm the opposite scale from you (obese), and from my experience, it's almost impossible to find a mainstream health care provider who does not readily let you know; whether you bring it up or not; whether your weight has anything to do with your doctor's visit or not, that you are overweight. Even slightly. And the nurses/assistants who take your vitals also usually let you know in some way.

It is extraordinarily difficult to deal with body issues. I second the vote to let those in your life love you just the way you are. Not easy, but I'll send out many vibes of support that it becomes easier for you. I'm glad you have people who DO love you, and I'm glad you're working with a psychiatrist. Maybe you can move your appointment up earlier in the month, or find another doctor or therapist who can see you earlier? I say this because I know that in the past, I've worked the nerves of close friends / family and they have done the same to me because we talk the same issue out over and over again. Problem with that is, if the people we're talking to aren't therapists, psychiatrists or just laypeople who are going through the exact same thing, they can't help, so those on the listening end just end up getting.....tired. And sometimes sad, because they really don't know what to do to help.

s. Be well...

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

This sounds so petty, but it does effect my daily life.

I don't have any words of advice, but I want to say this isn't petty at all. You're obviously in a lot of pain.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by Oubliette8

I find it hard to believe you gained 17 pounds in the 15 days since you stopped smoking. )

I havent' been on the scale yet, I'm guessing I weight 130. I was 113.5 before I quit smoking.... ya, seems a little high, but I feel like I weigh that much. that doesn't make sense huh. I'll have to get on a scale for a reality check. We dont own one, I was doing ok.. I don't know what is causing this flare up for lack of better words.

[beanma]

Kailey's mom, you sound like you might be a little bit smaller than I am. I'm a bit taller (about 5'5.5") and probably about 130. I could stand to lose 5 or 10 lbs, but it doesn't worry me a lot except when I had to buy a dress for a funeral recently and they all seemed to accentuate my belly. My issue really isn't weight, though, but lack of tone. I really need to exercise more. My belly is really out of shape and squishy from babies and lack of exercise. I hate getting out when the weather is bad, but now that it's turning warmer I'm going to start walking more regularly and maybe doing yoga.

I want to congratulate you on quitting smoking. That is so awesome and such a hard thing to do. Be proud of yourself!

I don't think your weight sounds overweight at all, but if you feel bad about it concentrate on exercise and healthy eating. Don't diet, though. It's not worth that. Up your fruits and veggies and reduce your carbs and starches. Don't freak out about food and count calories or weigh portions, though. Try to get plenty of exercise. Your weight is probably plenty healthy. Try to concentrate on health —mental and physical— and not appearance. Exercise is great stuff. It helps both body and mind.

hth

[journeymom]

Kailey'sMom, now I remember your other thread. You are VERY hard on yourself.

There are lots of these body mass indexes all over the web, but this one says 130 lbs/5 feet 4 inches has a bmi of 22.3, which is normal weight. Normal = 18.5-24.9

I think the psychiatrist was just afraid I was going to crash diet, so he threw that diagnosis out there to try to make me feel better. Maybe he was trying to make me believe that what I see in the mirror is false, as a way to be nice.

Did the doctor do or say anything else to make you believe he was a liar? Or incompetent? If another patient called you and asked if this doc was generally a truthful person what would you say?

Self esteem now is at it's worst. Nobody in my family wants to hear it. I admit, i'm like a broken record.

I'm not sure what you mean, nobody in your family wants to hear it? What don't they want to hear?

I don't think it's in my head at all, I think people are just afraid to be honest. That's all I want. Tell me I'm ugly and fat, and help me to get normal.

Your mom and your husband are both lying to you? Yes, people do lie to their loved ones to protect their feelings. But try to be objective about this, look at your dh's actions for example. Would you describe your dh to us here at MDC as generally an honest guy? Does he lie to you in other ways? Same with your mom. Is she generally honest with you?

People say I am skinny. No, there is such thing as body fat. I may have a small frame, but it's full of fat.

Are people lying to you? In your opinion do people, generally speaking, lie a lot? Yes, in deed, there is such thing as body fat!

Ugly and fat: what you are saying is that fat is ugly. Body fat is just fat. It's an amazingly efficient tissue that feeds us, warms us and protects us and works for us. If you're going to be brutally honest about yourself, like you want your family to be, then you must accept that fat is necessary and good. A healthy body has fat, all over it!

I'm getting from the tone of your posts that you place a lot of judgment on fat. If fat = ugly, does that mean fat = bad? Does that mean you believe that you, fundamentally at your core are an ugly person? Sometimes we think that our outward physical appearance reflects who we are. (I do it, too. I got stretch marks on my breasts right off the bat, when they were developing. In the back of my head I thought I was being punished for having wanted big breasts. It took me until after my first child to get past that distorted thought.)

I really don't know anything about body dysmorphic disorder, but I do think you have a whole lot of anxiety, and it's eating away at your image of yourself.

It's fantastic that you've got an appointment with a doc coming up!

[Kailey's mom]

Fat does not =ugly. I am not attractive to begin with, so adding fat doesn't help my already messed up self image. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try without sounding too psycho.

Ok, most people *both big and small* look normal. If they are big, they are proportioned and are still pretty kwim. If they are skinny, they are proportioned and still pretty. I don't have the "normal" I dont' look normal, and if I gain weight, is makes me disproportioned, I feel almost freakish. It's hard to explain unless one is in my head


Thanks for your insight everyone, it is helping me to sort things out. I moved my appt up, it's thursday at 2pm.

[homewithtwinsmama]

First, I agree that fat does not equal ugly. I have a mama's body, with stretch marks from two twin pregnancies and about 40 extra lbs. I am still not and never will be ugly. I just don't think Tiger Woods is ever gonna want me (thank goodness)!

Second, there is a simple and easy way to see what category of weight you are in and that is the Body Mass Index. Go to your regular doctor and have an exam and find out how much body fat you have and what the true diagnosis would be.

Third, I think that disorder diagnosis might well be correct because if your perception of your own weight has you not wanting to get out of bed and limiting your life. Then, YES, your perception is a disorder for you.

Fourth, what a wonderful husband to keep telling you how beautiful you are too him even though you won't believe him.

[laohaire]

The strength of your words and self hate do alarm me. I don't think any of us can really judge how much 130 pounds on your frame might be, perhaps you are a few pounds over your ideal and that can be a valid way to feel. On the other hand, 130 pounds might be an ideal weight for your frame, especially if you have some muscle on you. So I don't think any of us can possibly say whether you have any "extra" body fat on you or not.

But ... your words are really alarming. One can be at a point where they needed to lose 5 or 10 pounds without the words you have used. (Again, not even saying you need to lose that - that's just theoretical).

I'm 30 pounds overweight and I complain about it a lot, but I honestly have way better self esteem about it. I don't hide from my husband. I don't call myself "abnormal." Or ugly. (Though I do admit I'm quite average-looking, but that's entirely different).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the real problem is your thoughts about it, not any weight you might or might not stand to lose. You are really, seriously hard on yourself, and I think you may overestimate the significance of your looks to others. (Well, I don't know that, maybe your husband is really hard on you).

Or do you live in a circle of people who are all perfect and skinny and rich and wearing designer clothes all the time? I know there are some people like that out there, I can't imagine the pressure. I live in a blue collar town and I could probably stuff my overweight self into a bikini and head to the lake and nobody would care.

[MusicianDad]

The only advice I can give is trying working with your therapist, even if you don't agree with the diagnosis. I know that chances are, nothing I can say will change how you feel. But because the way you judge yourself and the way you asses others, I do believe that the diagnosis of Body Dismorphic Disorder is probably accurate though. Normal, overweight, even obese is fine to you. But what you consider fat (and ok) for other people is different from what you consider fat (and subsequently not ok) for yourself.

ETA: Normal, healthy weight for a woman who is 5'4" is between 130 and 145.

[chaoticzenmom]

It sounds like there may be some "dismorphic" disorder going on in you. I don't know what you should do about it, but your thinking doesn't sound right.

So what if you're ugly...really. I doubt you are, but if you are, so what? Unattractive people are still perfectly happy, sexually active, valuable, loving, helpful, sexy(it's all attitude), self-assured,etc.

Attractive people are often sad, miserable, sexually insecure, critical, selfish, etc. Physical attractiveness is what people think they want, but the quest to be attractive shouldn't take away your happiness or self-worth.

You know how selfish and self-absorbed people are. They're usually just thinking of how THEY look and really don't notice the negative in others. If you think that others think your ugly, you shouldn't. They're really just worried about themselves. If they're not worried about their own looks, then they probably aren't concerned with how you look either. Only insecure people pay enough attention to others to be critical of them.

As a side note, I'm perfectly normal 5ft 6in. 160lbs. I wear size 10 pants, size L clothes. I wear a 2 piece bathing suit even though I have a few stretchmarks from my 4 kids. Sometimes I think I'm pretty and sometimes not. Whether I'm pretty to others doesn't really cross my mind much throughout the day unless I'm feeling extra hormonal (2 days per month).

I hope you feel better soon. Also, I seriously doubt you gained 17lbs in 15 days.
Lisa

[claddaghmom]

I hear a lot about your situation, perceived or not, real or not...but what have you chosen to do about it? Are you still attracted to eating healthy foods, exercising moderately and enjoying life? Or do you feel tempted to deny yourself and to hide from the world?

Maybe you need to choose one small step and stick with it for awhile. For example, getting a fancy haircut, or adopting a skincare regimen. If you feel that your shoulders are rounded, buy a tension wrap and do tension exercises once a day. Or if you think your thighs are flabby, spend some time every night exercising them.

A number on a scale means nothing if you still feel upset about your body. You could weigh 80lbs and still see something that you don't like. But taking small, definite steps might brighten your outlook and make you feel in control.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

It sounds like there may be some "dismorphic" disorder going on in you. I don't know what you should do about it, but your thinking doesn't sound right.

This is what I'm thinking. I'm not qualified to make that diagnosis, but it sounds like it may be accurate.

OP: I'm 5'5" and over 200 pounds. I have no desire to hide from my dh, and can't imagine being humiliated by being seen by him in my underwear. I'd like to lose some weight...and I'd like to get down to about 160-165. I feel amazing at that weight.

I'm getting sidetracked. The point here is that your post very much sounds like someone who has a very skewed perception of her own appearance...seriously. I second that you should keep working with a therapist.

[Kailey's mom]

Thanks everyone, yet again. I will bring all of this up to my psychaitrist on Thursday, and maybe I'll have him schedule me to talk to a therapist in the office. I don't want this to rub off on my dd. I do have a ton of self hate, which is why I think I have this tendancy to be self destructive in a way. For example, smoking cigarettes, even though I knew it was deadly. I would love to wake up one day and not want to hide away in a dark room because of my reflection, it is depressing. I am depressed.

Here are some pictures so you all can see what I am dealing with. I was okay for a while, not hating myself so much for a while, and just as fast as it went away, it came back. I'm sorry for being the constant whiner on MDC I am striving to be a more positive person, and healthy. I guess that I still have to work on my brain some more.

http://pbckt.com/sr.RHg

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Here are some pictures so you all can see what I am dealing with.

You do not look overweight.

I was okay for a while, not hating myself so much for a while, and just as fast as it went away, it came back. I'm sorry for being the constant whiner on MDC I am striving to be a more positive person, and healthy. I guess that I still have to work on my brain some more.

http://pbckt.com/sr.RHg

Do not worry about "whining". You're going through a lot, and trying to make positive changes (eg. quitting smoking - HUGE HUGE HUGE). People who are dealing with this sort of thing need support, and people here are willing to support you. Hang in there.

[PinkNFluffy]

From reading your posts and seeing the pictures, I would think you have an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder. I am not giving you a diagnosis at all but have read a book on BDD years ago and have read numerous books on eating disorders (having had one myself throughout my late childhood and early teens).

You are not fat, you look very sad in those pictures. I really think you should see a therapist, read some books on the topics, join a support group. Really, I am saying this lovingly not to sound mean but I just don't think you are living the life you are meant to be living feeling that way. It is no way to go through life and you are a beautiful human being who deserves much more!