Am I crazy to even think about another baby?

[oceanbaby]

My two are 8.5yo and 5.5yo, and we have a wonderful life. We are at such an easy stage, and we are on the go all the time. They are great friends, I have a lot of freedom, and they are such easy kids. But I can't seem to let go of this thought about having another baby. And it doesn't help that both kids beg for a baby all the time!

Dh says no. However, I don't think it's a firm no. I think he feels the same way I do - we would both theoretically like a third, but the reality feels overwhelming. We just got through a rough patch of our marriage, money is tight, and we are just moving on to that next stage where I can start to work a little more, we can do more things with the kids, etc.

I just feel this little pang every time I think about the finality of being done. Forever. Never having another baby. I mean, what else am I doing? I'm home with the kids anyway.

I feel a little crazy about it. I don't want to mess up this really good groove we've got going on over here, but I also don't want to always feel regret that I didn't have a third. I don't know how to go about deciding this.

[meemee]

i would really have a serious talk with dh. seriously. and see how you both feel together about another baby.

the economy is not going to get any better soon. so the financial pressure might even grow. there is no point in waiting imho.

dont let your children's view colour your views.

if you and dh are in complete understanding and both really wanna do it - then go for it.

my friend just had her 'surprise'. seh was looking for a job and couldnt find one. and now this one came along. it has been v. v. v. sweet for her. she discovered a whole different side to her older kids she never knew existed. her 12 year old watched the baby the whole night on the first night he came home. as a mother she isnt frazzled because everyone is taking part in the caring so she gets lots of rest. she and her whole family is really enjoying the baby.

[dauphinette]

Why does it have to be decided now?
It sounds like right now enjoying the age and stage that your two are at is a great idea for everyone.
When you wake up resolute that today is the day to start trying for a third then do it.
Whatever you do will be GREAT.

[becoming]

Well, to be honest, I love love love my three little ones, but adding #3 was like throwing a truckload of chaos into a calm, peaceful life. It's not HIM, either (he is very laid-back & easygoing for the most part), it's just that now there are so many little people to keep happy, fed, clothed, clean... and such different dynamics between the three kids -- one is pretty much always feeling left out, or two are fighting, or something going wrong there. We didn't have any of these sibling rivalry problems until #3 came along. When our middle child is at her dad's, or our oldest is in school, or our youngest falls sleep super early for the night, it's AMAZING the difference in the whole atmosphere of our house with only the two kids, and it doesn't matter which two.

I'm not saying definitely don't, but I would think long and hard about whether you're ready for your family dynamic to change a LOT.

[Drummer's Wife]

I don't think you are crazy at all. I'd bring it up with DH again, and see where he really stands. I know some people don't want to go back to the baby stage after being out of it, but I hate not being in it anymore! (my youngest will be 3 in a couple weeks.)

[Ellen Griswold]

I certainly don't think you're the only one struggling with this. I realize that we can't afford another little one and I still hope that there has been an "oops" every month. I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

My father always told me money is absolutly not a good bargaining chip to use when trying to decide if you want to have another baby. No one is every in a good enough place, financially.(atleast to them they arent) and look at it this way; If you got pregnant by accident, what would you do?

Listen to your heart, and your husbands heart, not the economy.

[Just1More]

I know someone who had 2 and felt like it was the perfect life. She kept telling herself that they could do all the things they did, and things were so easy because they hadn't had more. But it really nagged at her.

So, they had another baby. Their kids are 12, 10, and 2.

She was amazed. She says that their household runs easier NOW that they've added another one. The older two help out so much, and things are just sweeter and better NOW, than they ever were before.

She doesn't regret it one bit. In fact, she's due with another in a few months.

[newbiemama09]

i'm a firm believer in "a mothers instinct is right," so that "feeling" you get aroound babies is not to be ignored. first step, have a serious conversation with DH. tell him your thoughts, feelings, instincts. maybe you can both just settle on the idea that you're both OPEN to having another child, maybe just not right now! my DD is almost a year and i'm already getting that "i'd love another baby" feeling, but it tells me that i will try againg, just not now! plus, you have older kids so they will be an AMAZING help when you have another!! see what DH says first, then both of you just think about it for a month or so.

[Storm Bride]

I'm not sure what to say.

I always wanted four. It took me a long time. When I had dd2, I'm not sure it made a lot of sense to go ahead and have another one. I was 41 when she was born. DD1 and ds2 were just getting old enough to require a little less 24/7 attention (okay - I lie - ds2 is just getting there now!). We were done with the baby thing - no more diapers, no more nightwakings, except in extraordinary circumstances, etc. But, I really, really wanted another one.

And, now she's almost nine months old, and my feelings are mixed. DH is finding it really stressful. (I knew he didn't really want another one, but I thought it was about the pregnancy/c-section issues.) Sometimes, it's really hard to deal with the other two, when dd2 is being needy. She's hardly letting us put her down this week, and I'm having back trouble, and it's just...really hard.

OTOH...having dd2 here is like having a personal little sun crawling around. She smiles at everyone. She giggles at everyone. She can change the mood in the house with a single facial expression. All babies are wonderful (even dd1, and she was...challenging), but dd2 is just...magic. I really don't even have the words to describe the effect she has on everyone in this family.

Money's going to be an issue. (Vancouver is very high COL. Very few people I know, outside of the local MDC tribe - and not all of them - are living on only one income, let alone doing so with four children.) We can't do all the things we want to do, especially dh (my tastes are less expensive than his). It can sometimes be hard on the kids, because there are only two of us, even when dh is home, and four of them. But...for me, it was the right choice. For dh? mmm...50/50. He's fine with it, but would have been fine without another baby, too. The kids mostly love having a baby in the house.

Of course, we also got really lucky on the dice roll. DD2 is a remarkably easy baby. I suspect the dynamic would be much different if she weren't.

[Jenifer76]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

My two are 8.5yo and 5.5yo, and we have a wonderful life. We are at such an easy stage, and we are on the go all the time. They are great friends, I have a lot of freedom, and they are such easy kids. But I can't seem to let go of this thought about having another baby. And it doesn't help that both kids beg for a baby all the time!

Dh says no. However, I don't think it's a firm no. I think he feels the same way I do - we would both theoretically like a third, but the reality feels overwhelming. We just got through a rough patch of our marriage, money is tight, and we are just moving on to that next stage where I can start to work a little more, we can do more things with the kids, etc.

I just feel this little pang every time I think about the finality of being done. Forever. Never having another baby. I mean, what else am I doing? I'm home with the kids anyway.

I feel a little crazy about it. I don't want to mess up this really good groove we've got going on over here, but I also don't want to always feel regret that I didn't have a third. I don't know how to go about deciding this.

First, huge HUG to you. We are in very similar situations right down to our kids' ages.

My DH is more on board with having a third -- and now I can't get pregnant. We lost a pregnancy in August and haven't had luck since. My DH thinks maybe it is a "sign" we should stop trying.

I hope that whatever you decide -- that you are at complete peace. ((hug))

[Lisalee2]

oceanbaby - Honestly, I could have written your post. We're going through the same thing here. Mine are 9yo and 6yo now and would be 10 and 7 when/if another babe is born.

I sometimes think I must be nuts to add a baby to the mix when everything is so easy, calm, and organized now (for the most part ) But then I tell myself that every mother probably asks herself the same question when faced with another child.

I think it's difficult to jump in and say "Okay, let's have another baby" for me because it would be such a huge change, and I'm not always the best with change. But that's what life's all about, right? I'm sure that after the baby was born, maybe after a few months of adjustment, it would just feel right, and I'd be thankful that we chose to have another. Plus, I like the idea of my kids having more siblings, so even if things get rough, I think in the long run, more kids would be a positive thing for our family.

[Lisalee2]

Originally Posted by Jenifer76

First, huge HUG to you. We are in very similar situations right down to our kids' ages.

My DH is more on board with having a third -- and now I can't get pregnant. We lost a pregnancy in August and haven't had luck since. My DH thinks maybe it is a "sign" we should stop trying.

I hope that whatever you decide -- that you are at complete peace. ((hug))

I hope you have peace in whatever you decide also.

[AllisonR]

IMO: 3 is a VERY different dynamic than 2. Two have each other. Three have a 3rd wheel, and there is always competition as to who is going to be the 3rd wheel this year, month, day and even hour. And the 3rd wheel hurts.

Ouch, that sounded harsh. Sorry. Just my opinion. I was the middle one of 3, and often the 3rd wheel. I have two kids, 5yo and 3yo and will NOT have another - I'm too old, but more because the dynamic between my two so close in age is so fantastic I keep holding my breath and hoping it never ends.

[Lisalee2]

I feel like if we were to have a 3rd baby, that we might also want to have a 4th, just so the kiddo would have another sibling closer in age. (And hopefully there would be no third wheel syndrome) Then I've had my MIL tell me that if we did that, it would be like we had two families...ummm... But I don't feel that way.

[Engineering_Mama]

Originally Posted by Lisalee2

I feel like if we were to have a 3rd baby, that we might also want to have a 4th, just so the kiddo would have another sibling closer in age. (And hopefully there would be no third wheel syndrome) Then I've had my MIL tell me that if we did that, it would be like we had two families...ummm... But I don't feel that way.

Awww. Don't listen to your MIL. I'm the oldest and my siblings are 18 mo, 6 years and 8 years younger than me. So yeah, we did have a "big kids" vs. "little kids" thing going on but it was never like we were two completely different families. Now that we're grown me and my brother that's 6 years younger are very close. Have two sets of two a little bit apart can work out really well.

[Lisalee2]

Thanks Engineering Mama for the positive reinforcement It's nice to hear that you have had a good experience with larger-than-normal child spacing. I think we're officially TTC now

[Lisalee2]

Also, where'd Oceanbaby go? I totally hijacked her thread.