Grieving for marriage

[kirstenb]

DH just told me the other day that he wants a divorce. Things have been rocky lately, but I thought that we would be able to work them out. I still love him very much, but he doesn't want to work on it anymore. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the pillow and cry all day, but I want to stay strong for my kids. He is a good father and a good person, and I know that we are both committed to our kids and developing a good co-parenting relationship. We both want this to be amicable. I'm grieving right now for the loss of my marriage, and am playing a lot of "if only..." in my head. What helped you mamas get through the very early stages of this?

[meemee]

i was in your exact shoes. i allowed the tears to come. when it was ok to do so. i had a newborn so i didnt need to hide. i cried for two years. then one morning woke up a changed person and said ' that's it. enough is enough. i am done. lets move on.' i have never shed a tear since then and its been over 6 years. in fact i am ever so grateful for ex having chosen to leave. it took me two years to work on our marriage and another year and a half after separation to be 'healed' and not want ex back.

in those two years ex did a total jekyll and hyde thing. he turned from loving dh to emotionally abusive dh. and is still nasty to me. however he is a good father and tries his best. to me i dont see him as an 'ex' anymore. he is my dd's father. so his badmouthing doesnt really upset me.

so what i am saying is it is a process. and you'd be surprised what comes out of that extremely painful process. i had buried a brother and father before that but nothing hurt as much as my marriage breaking up. i would honestly let your kids see your tears. i dont hide mine from my dd. we both cry togethher for different reasons.

crying for me was the most helpful. i kinda felt a washing away.

[Eaglevoice]

Kirsten, sorry to hear that you are going through this. While my situation was a little bit different, because it was me who left and I had been trying to leave for a year before I finally got the courage to go. But I can tell you that while it's not been easy, it does get easier and easier as time goes by. I am lucky that I have a lot of family support. I actually moved 6 hours away to be closer to my family. I also decided to start working on myself. In ways that I had been neglecting myself over the years since I met my husband. I started doing things that I used to love doing, but for some reason stopped doing over the years. I started to rediscover "me" and the things that make me feel whole. I guess you could say that I used some of these things as a distraction, but it worked. I got through it, and though it's still not over, I feel like a much stronger person today than I was when I walked out that door last April.

[La Sombra]

Hugs, mama. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

Like Eaglevoice, I was the one that left--and I was so sure it was the right thing, and so excited and hopeful about my new life...so imagine my surprise when several months later I start feeling a deep and at times overwhelming sense of loss and grief. I, too, feel haunted by the dream of the marriage, painfully reminded at times of the dreams and the plans and the vision of a future together--even though for me I had stopped believing in that future!

So what you are going through is, MUST be, a natural, crucial part of the grieving process. I agree with meemee...honor your feelings and let them flow over you. It could take a while, but you really will start to climb out of this hell you are feeling and you will start to gain a greater perspective on what things happened than you could possibly have right now.

Sometimes in life--I really believe this!--we have to go through certain things and let TIME to its job in order to get the strength or perspective that we need. In other words, you really CAN'T just *will* yourself into healing and being strong overnight. Maybe understanding that can help you accept your feelings and honor them and have the faith that you will get through this.

You are not alone on this journey! There are many inspiring mamas here who are on the other side of the pain you are feeling who can tell you that you will survive!!!!!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I hope you dont mind me chiming in, because I really shouldnt post here (Not a single mama) But I couldnt help myself. I couldnt read and not post.

I have been through some rough stuff, and one thing my mother always told me (And her stepmother told her) that has always helped me get through anything is "Time heals all wounds." I know, simple, and maybe stupid and corny, but for me it works. SOmetimes I actually chant it in my head. The other one is "everything happens for a reason". Those two phrases have nursed me through some of the toughest times in my life.

[Everrgreen]

I am also in your shoes right now, and it sucks In my situation my now stbx changed rather suddenly and became a person who I don't like (due to some traumatic stuff happening in his life). I tried everything in my power to help him to find himself again. Even when he was being mean to me, I tried to not take it personally. But in the end I couldn't help him. He didn't want to be with me anymore. The one thing that is helping me move on is knowing I did everything I could for the marriage, but I can't force him to be with me. And he isn't who he used to be, he is SO different, so I don't WANT to be with him anymore. I would give anything to have my husband back (who he used to be), but that person is gone and I can't get him back. And I can't dwell on that because it hurts too much, so I don't think about it. I am trying my best to move on. I am trying to find things I enjoy doing - visiting friends, getting outdoors with my DS etc. And I am trying to plan my future without him, in a positive way, thinking about all the fun things DS and I will do. And I do daydream a bit about meeting someone who really appreciates me and loves me, but we'll see what happens.

Big big hugs to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It really is like a death. It's painful. It is by fair the most painful thing I have experienced. Take the time you need to grieve and know that we are here for you to vent when you need to.

[kirstenb]

Thank you for all of your kind words. It's so nice to know that other mamas have been through the same thing, and have came out of it stronger. Right now I go from being at peace with his decision, to really mourning the fact that we are over, to hoping he will change his mind. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that my future is suddenly on a very different track. I'm afraid for my kids, and I am afraid of being alone. I'm so glad I have this forum where I can talk about it with people who know.

[Eaglevoice]

Being alone is a really scary thought. I remember that fear so clearly. But after a while, you don't even think about it anymore...it's not so scary once you are on the other side.