Teaching a friend

[Calleiah]

I've had 2 inductions and Im so done with the medical community! This time, my last time, Im doing things my way, the way things are supposed to happen and we're staying home with a good friend who's not titled as a midwife, but trained. Here is where I need your input. My best friend is married but has no kids. She has always said she doesnt want kids, but has never talked to me about why. I know she's terrified of hospitals and terrified of pain. Im contemplating inviting her to this birth so she can see that having a baby doesnt HAVE to be the way she thinks of it. I did hypnobirthing with my second, so I know that it can be a calm, peaceful and relatively pain free experience. She's been my friend for most of my life. In some ways I see this as a gift I could give her. Unless you see it or experience it, I think so much of our generation is exposed to only the one side of childbirth, the strapped to a bed, screaming bloody murder, insane kind of pain you never want to go through again kind of childbirth. On the other hand, part of me doesnt want anyone else there. I cant make up my mind.
Has anyone done this before to help a friend see another side of it?

[mamallama]

While I think it's admirable that you want to gift your friend in such a huge and generous way, I have to wonder if it will be as straightforward as it sounds.

I wonder what kind of emotions she might bring with her, and how that might affect you while in labor.

I invited a childless friend to my homebirth (like you, it was because I wanted to help her.) I had to ask her to leave when she couldn't stop fidgeting & talking. Her feeling were really hurt--she didn't understand at all.

I invited no one to my uc

[lovestolearn]

I wouldn't do it. YOU are the one who is giving birth and needs to feel totally supported. If your friend wants to work through her fears, let her do it in her own space and time. YOU need to be the center of attention, IMO!

You can point her in the direction of EFT if she wants to clear her fears of hospitals, etc. PM me for more info...

[Calleiah]

I dont know for sure thats why she's decided to not have kids, it's just something thats been in the back of my mind for a long time. We've been friends for 24 years! Ultimately, I think she'd be fine if I invited her. Ironically she's a child psychologist so she naturally has a soothing quiet personality anyway. Im not ready to say Im not going to invite her, but I will think very carefully on it for the next few months. It might really strongly depend on how I feel once labor sets in! I may or may not feel social at all.

Thanks for your input ladies, I value your thoughts and experience!

[dannic]

I would continue to ponder on it, and then if you feel good about it close to edd, THEN ask her.
I asked a friend early on in my pregnancy and ended up being non-commital about it. I ended up not calling her in labor...I just didn't want anyone extra at the last moment. I didn't like the idea of being "watched". I think she was sort of hurt by it, as a pp said.
So maybe keep the idea open (to yourself) and see how you feel in the beginning of labor?

[laohaire]

I would not do it.

One big reason is this: I would not want to have the pressure to have the birth be presented in this "perfect" light. If I, for example, felt like screaming, I would not want even to be THINKING "oh, how will friend take this?" - even if I allowed myself to scream. OK, that's an example, I hope there's no screaming, but you know what I mean It should not be a show, there should be no performance.

I'm also thinking of scenarios where you might not act on (or delay acting on) your instincts in a situation because you were worried about how it would look to your friend.

Anyway, I think it will make an awesome impact anyway just for you to do it and tell her about it! Assuming of course that she has a birth hangup in the first place, which she might not. But that's the biggest impact, just hearing your birth story.