Have a new kid by friday...?

[MissSJ]

My MIL keeps recommending to me the book Have a New Kid by Friday. I told her I would look into it at the library but it is ALWAYS checked out. I am very skeptical she would recommend a book/method DH and I would use after she loaned us her tattered copy of Dare to Discipline with personal notes written in the margins. To clarify - she wrote them when DH and his brothers were children, the notes were not meant specifically for me. I did think it may be a good idea to look into the book/method and if it is something we would never do to explain it to her and tell her why DH and I disagree.

Can anyone tell me what this book is about and why it is so popular right now?

[nextcommercial]

I have never read that book. But, I do LOVE Kevin Leman. I have almost every one of his books. (except apparently that one)

I love his laid back, honest approach. He's easy to read, and he speaks in "real" language.

Edited to add.. most of the books that I own are actually marriage or relationship books.. only a few of them are parenting.. but, I do love that guy.

[ssh]

I've never heard of it, but I find the title offensive. After reading the first 20 pages on amazon, http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Kid-F...der_0800719026 , I think the author seems to have a very negative, adversarial view of children.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I haven't heard of it. But, whenever there is a book recommendation I go to Amazon and read the bad reviews. They are usually much more accurate than the good reviews.

[MusicianDad]

What thyra said.

Which is what I just did, and from what I picked up, his main philosophy on parenting that he expresses in this book is ignore your child until they start to behave. That doesn't sound like good parenting to me. I'd rather work through the problems I have with my child than ignore them.

[Jaesun's Dad]

The title put me off right away. I'm still a ways off from needing a book on behavior and discipline but were I looking for one I'd say "but ... we're kind of attached to the child we have today. We don't need a new child, we just want the one we have to be a bit better behaved." I agree with the others who suggest reading the amazon reviews.

[Storm Bride]

I haven't read it. The title puts me off. I don't want a "new" kid. I want my old kid, with fewer behavioural challenges.

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad

The title put me off right away. I'm still a ways off from needing a book on behavior and discipline but were I looking for one I'd say "but ... we're kind of attached to the child we have today. We don't need a new child, we just want the one we have to be a bit better behaved." I agree with the others who suggest reading the amazon reviews.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I haven't read it. The title puts me off. I don't want a "new" kid. I want my old kid, with fewer behavioural challenges.

Yes I definitely agree with this also.

[GuildJenn]

In fairness, titles are chosen by publishers, not by authors.

That said, I don't believe in instant diets or instant discipline. So since it looks like the book really is structured to produce change in five days, I'm not very impressed. Yo yo parenting?

[pookamamagoose]

That title turns me off as well... i just received my copy of the Dr. Sears discipline book in the mail today (ordered through amazon, great price!). I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but really hoping for some solid and sound advice, guidance. We have a 22 month old son who is very high spirited and a rather mellow 3 week old daughter - some jealousy and acting out is beginning and it is STRESSFUL! Any other suggestions on good 'gentle discipline' books?

And MissSJ, good luck with your MIL...

[annettemarie]

I actually like Dr. Leman. I went to college with one of his daughters, he came and spoke both to the college and our psych class, and I think he's basically a good person.

That said, I hated this book. I found it very punative and petty. I hated the whole "I won't be nice to you because you weren't nice to me" tone it had. I ended up getting rid of it.

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I actually like Dr. Leman. I went to college with one of his daughters, he came and spoke both to the college and our psych class, and I think he's basically a good person.

That said, I hated this book. I found it very punative and petty. I hated the whole "I won't be nice to you because you weren't nice to me" tone it had. I ended up getting rid of it.

Since you read the book can you give me a little more of an idea about what the main premise of this book is?

[annettemarie]

I didn't get past day one, to be honest. It kind of went like this.

Kid is (rude, obnoxious, whiny, unhelpful, whatever).

Later Kid says "Hey, Mom, you said you would take me to the mall."

Mom says, "I don't like how you treated me. I'm not taking you to the mall."

Kid says, "WTH? You promised. Wait, I know-- I'm sorry!"

Mom says, "Thank you for your apology. I'm glad you're sorry. I'm still not taking you to the mall."

Annette says "WTH?!?" and lists the book on Paperback Swap.

Sorry I can't be more help.

[Laur318]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I didn't get past day one, to be honest. It kind of went like this.

Kid is (rude, obnoxious, whiny, unhelpful, whatever).

Later Kid says "Hey, Mom, you said you would take me to the mall."

Mom says, "I don't like how you treated me. I'm not taking you to the mall."

Kid says, "WTH? You promised. Wait, I know-- I'm sorry!"

Mom says, "Thank you for your apology. I'm glad you're sorry. I'm still not taking you to the mall."

Annette says "WTH?!?" and lists the book on Paperback Swap.

Sorry I can't be more help.

just jumping in to say, that was a great "excerpt" fron the book!!!!

[ssh]

Originally Posted by pookamamagoose

That title turns me off as well... i just received my copy of the Dr. Sears discipline book in the mail today (ordered through amazon, great price!). I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but really hoping for some solid and sound advice, guidance. We have a 22 month old son who is very high spirited and a rather mellow 3 week old daughter - some jealousy and acting out is beginning and it is STRESSFUL! Any other suggestions on good 'gentle discipline' books?

And MissSJ, good luck with your MIL...

I really like Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka and also her Raising Your Spirited Child. Both books are very respectful of children and have very usable ideas.

[joanna0707]

Pookamamagoose, I always recommend "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves", I've read this book twice and am planning to read it again

I just finished "Your Child's Self-Esteem" and highly recommend it
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Childs-Se...8160125&sr=1-1

[JMJ]

Originally Posted by joanna0707

Pookamamagoose, I always recommend "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves", I've read this book twice and am planning to read it again

That's what I was going to recommend. It even has a section on helping older siblings adjust to having a new sibling around.

To the OP, I haven't read the book, but I don't believe in controlling a child's behavior. I believe in empowering children to make their own good decisions, so I am very wary of any book that wants to tell you how to make changes in your child. What would you think of your husband reading a book called "Have a New Wife by Friday?"

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by JMJ

That's what I was going to recommend. It even has a section on helping older siblings adjust to having a new sibling around.

To the OP, I haven't read the book, but I don't believe in controlling a child's behavior. I believe in empowering children to make their own good decisions, so I am very wary of any book that wants to tell you how to make changes in your child. What would you think of your husband reading a book called "Have a New Wife by Friday?"

I think I heard he actually wrote one called "Have a New Spouse by Friday".

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by JMJ

That's what I was going to recommend. It even has a section on helping older siblings adjust to having a new sibling around.

To the OP, I haven't read the book, but I don't believe in controlling a child's behavior. I believe in empowering children to make their own good decisions, so I am very wary of any book that wants to tell you how to make changes in your child. What would you think of your husband reading a book called "Have a New Wife by Friday?"

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I think I heard he actually wrote one called "Have a New Spouse by Friday".

I just looked this up on amazon and it is Have a New Husband By Friday, one of the reviews says this

I also got the sense while reading it that Dr. Leman subscribes to an idea that females like to feel superior. He appealed to that as a way of helping me change my behavior so my inferior husband will do what I want. He referred to men being "dumb as dirt" "children" and "like a dog that can be trained". He told women to talk a certain way to them, use body language like turning away to make a point, reward good behavior with sex, etc. And then he said "don't manipulate". Really??

YIKES!

Even though I am definitely sure that this book does not have principles we would ascribe to I placed a hold on the book at the library. I'd like to read it so I can talk to MIL about what it says and why we don't agree. I don't think she would advocate ignoring children to manipulate them into doing what you ask - what does that teach them? Then again this is the same lady that advocates spanking and expressed her approval of smacking a 1yr old. Maybe her suggesting this book to us is her trying to tell us we "need a new kid by friday". If she does agree with the book maybe she will see that our parenting practices conflict and she will stop recommending parenting books to us. Or maybe not.

[Viola]

All I can think when I hear this title is that I've tried to have a new kid on Friday--but the school insisted I drop her back off and take my own child home instead.

The paraphrased excerpt doesn't sound bad to me, though. Delaying consequences for bad behavior and then explaining it to them as a privilege they've lost, or that they should treat others in a way that helps them to want to and be able to do things for the kids is something we already kind of do. I had read years ago about the idea of trying not to give consequences in the heat of the moment, but waiting until things were calm and taking away a privilege then.

Although what I usually end up doing is letting the storm blow over and then talking to my child about it and letting them know that me not doing what I said I might do (that but you promised thing pisses me right off, no it was not a promise) is really related to many different things, and if things go well tomorrow, we can try and do such and such.