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My midwife died. (x-posted in Aug 2010 DDC)

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
So, I haven't talked about this here, but a couple of weeks ago, my midwife died suddenly after a series of major strokes. It was awful.

She was the apprentice midwife in my team of three for my first birth in 2007, was pretty much given the lead, caught my daughter, and I felt far more connected to her, than to the much more experienced midwife who was technically head of our team. Though I knew that she was less experienced overall, I decided to follow her to her new practice for this birth.

At the new practice, the team was three full fledged midwives, all three were in the same graduating class, so equally "new."

Now, I've lost the one person I had the original connection with, and while I do feel like I have a good connection with the other two, it's still frustrating and hard and a little scary to have to start all over.

We were at a freestanding birth center the first time, basically a homebirth but in someone else's house, and this time we're planning a real homebirth.

I just feel a little, um, challenged by my whole situation. It's been such a rollercoaster already, and we're not even halfway there. First there was the fact that this pregnancy happened with an IUD in place, and I had to go through coming to terms with being pregnant in the first place (when we did not intend any more children), an initial ultrasound that couldn't see ANYTHING (so there was a possibility of an ectopic), getting the IUD removed (which SUCKED and was really emotionally stressful, not knowing where the pregnancy was and whether i could be doing harm just by getting the IUD out, on top of the pain of it), waiting another week to find out at the next US that it wasn't ectopic, but it WAS a week and a half earlier than my LMP would have said (so the first trimester felt like it took an EXTRA long time), getting through the zombie like feelings of seasickness and fatigue, while feeling almost nothing positive about being pregnant at all....just when I finally heard the heartbeat, started to feel movement, and both my husband and I started to actually feel excitement and joy about the pregnancy...BOOM, my midwife dies, and it's another crazy rollercoaster ride.

I don't know what I want to hear. I guess I need to reassure myself that homebirth is the right choice, and that I can trust these midwives to be prepared to care for my birth. I think I also just need to embrace the fact that this baby is here and is going to challenge us, but that we are going to come out the other side joyful and united. I'm almost there and believing it. But it's been a crazy few months already.
post #2 of 9
sorry your going through this for your mw.
post #3 of 9
So sorry... lots of good thoughts your way.
post #4 of 9
Oh wow. My condolences to you and your midwife's family. How sad.

I think you should just follow your own instincts about whether or not to stay with the practice, or go with a different one. Things are still early, and you may gain in confidence and connection with the other midwives as time goes on. If you don't, you still have plenty of time to find a new midwife.

You've been through an awful lot in this pregnancy already Mama. Be kind to yourself. You don't need to make any big decisions right now.
post #5 of 9
be gentle with yourself.. You'll find your way.
post #6 of 9
wow--what a rollercoaster. so sorry! you know in your heart who you feel best with as a caregiver. go with what is best, even if it means another change for you that you weren't planning on. and congrats on the pregnancy! even though unplanned
post #7 of 9
I'm so sorry for your loss How sad. I wish you peace in finding your way through this.
post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 
I think I'm fine with the practice I'm with. I think I'm just feeling a bit unsettled in general by the sense that weird stuff keeps happening. I suppose none of the weird stuff has been any sort of negative pregnancy things, so that's a plus.
post #9 of 9
I think you are such an ass-kicking-phenomenally tough chick that you could handle an unassisted birth. I'm not saying you should try for one! I know how challenged you have been, but you will handle everything with great aplomb and vigor. You are wonderful and awesome and strong. I'm sorry that this road has been so bumpy but you will get to where you need to be.
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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › I'm Pregnant › My midwife died. (x-posted in Aug 2010 DDC)