Is it appropriate to 'parent' other people's children?

[Adallae]

Twice in the past month I've had someone step in and take something from DD that she had found on the floor and was playing with. Both times I was sitting nearby. I saw that she'd picked something up - I noticed it wasn't sharp, she couldn't choke on it, and it was really harmless. I know she was going to eventually put it in her mouth, but it really doesn't bother me. It's how she learns and explores, you know? Plus any germs will just help build her immune system.

Should I not be allowing her to do this? Even if they disagree with point of view - Isn't it inappropriate for someone to step in and parent or discipline a child when the parent is right there? This goes along with the whole theme I've noticed recently of people (DH's family) acting as if they have some sort of claim or rights to my daughter. It's odd and has caught me off guard - I'm not sure how to respond.

ETA - The first time she picked up a leaf off the floor. The second time it was a piece of a corn husk off the counter. One my SIL took away, the other person I didn't even know!

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I suppose it depends on what she's picking up, where she's finding it, and who's taking it away from her.

[chaoticzenmom]

I think it depends on a lot of things. If a friend just takes something out of my babies mouth that they consider a choking hazard, that doesn't bother me. If they follow your child around or seem to take everything from your child, then that's rude. If someone just watches and waits to parent your child, then that's bothersome. If someone starts making "deals" with your child to get them to behave according to how they think they should behave, then that's crossing boundaries. Your child is too young for that anyway.

If it bothers you, just say, "I've got it, thanks." or "She can have that, it's ok." Just step in. It sounds like, in your case, there's more than just this one thing causing you trouble. Maybe you just feel disrespected as a parent in general by this particular person. You're going to need some boundary building!

[GoBecGo]

Well, some people would say it takes a village...

This has happened to me, probably because i too don't mind my kid mouthing stuff she found lying about (within reason, but MY reason, y/k?). But plenty of other people are germ phobic and lovingly (often very lovingly) try to protect my DD from that sort of "nutrition". I usually just smile, thank them, and add "i tend to think it's good for her immune system to taste the world". That way they, and more importantly DD, hear my personal thoughts on it, but at the same time DD sees me meet their interference as it was intended (to lovingly protect her, not to criticise me).

If something happens which steps over a boundary, like if they said "you're disgusting" or "don't eat that, idiot!" i would sternly tell them "she is NOT disgusting/and idiot" and remove her from their proximity.

I think taking these things in the spirit they were intended is best for all concerned.

[zinemama]

It's kind of funny. People are all, "it takes a village" and nostalgic for the tribal days. But when a villager steps in, the way she would have back in the tribe...lookout!

OP, I'm honestly not picking on you. It's just that I've seen this dynamic here a lot and your post just brought it to mind.

In your shoes, I really wouldn't mind. People are trying to be helpful and it's not a big deal.

As to your bigger question, yes, I think it is appropriate sometimes, in some cases, to step in and parent another kid when the parent is there. If your kid (not you OP) whacks mine repeatedly with the plastic dinosaur while you sit there thinking lovingly about how "spirited" he is, I'm going to step in and take that dino away and redirect things.

[Adallae]

I actually don't mind the 'it takes a village mindset'. If she picked up something she could choke on and I wasn't looking or someone else was closer to her - I certainly hope someone would step in. And if she was hurting someone else, that person or their guardian certainly has a right to put a stop to it. But if I'm looking sitting right beside her, actively interacting with her...it kinda made me feel like they thought I wasn't being attentive enough or I wasn't capable of handling it. To me, it was just as if they took away a toy we were exploring because they didn't approve, without allowing me to make that decision. I guess it made me feel defensive, if that makes any sense.

[Cascadian]

Totally. I lovingly 'look out' for any other child, and I'm happy enough when someone else does this for mine as well. Sure, many times (most?) my kid would have never come to harm, but the intentions were pure, I would want to encourage people to look out for others, and who knows...maybe once in a while I *am* distracted and someone saves my kid from harm, KWIM?

I'm all for the village. It does not bother me to have community members step in once in a while.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Adallae

I actually don't mind the 'it takes a village mindset'. If she picked up something she could choke on and I wasn't looking or someone else was closer to her - I certainly hope someone would step in. And if she was hurting someone else, that person or their guardian certainly has a right to put a stop to it. But if I'm looking sitting right beside her, actively interacting with her...it kinda made me feel like they thought I wasn't being attentive enough or I wasn't capable of handling it. To me, it was just as if they took away a toy we were exploring because they didn't approve, without allowing me to make that decision. I guess it made me feel defensive, if that makes any sense.

Yeah, if you're in the middle of interacting with your child, then I would probably be slightly offended. I wouldn't do that to someone else.

[musikat]

If I saw your child pick something up off the floor and I thought it was a potential hazard (for whatever reason) AND you were right there, the most I would do is say to you "Your child just picked something up, is that okay with you?" And that is just because there is a chance you didn't see it and would want to know.

I have definitely done that with friends of mine, but I always let them make the judgement call. Now if your child pops a marble into his mouth and you have your back turned, I would start removing it while telling you about it, then let you take it from there.

I can see how someone taking something away from your child while you are right there and clearly saw it would be insulting to your parenting and I would feel the same way in that situation.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by musikat

If I saw your child pick something up off the floor and I thought it was a potential hazard (for whatever reason) AND you were right there, the most I would do is say to you "Your child just picked something up, is that okay with you?" And that is just because there is a chance you didn't see it and would want to know.

Unless it's something that poses an immediate danger, I would always ask the parent first if s/he were sitting right there, rather than just taking something out of their child's hand. OTOH, it wouldn't bother me too much if family members did what the OP described, although I might say, "It's okay, I don't mind if she has that" to give them a hint for next time.

[new2this]

It would have to be something pretty hazzardous/dangerous for me to step in and take somethign away or say anthing.

Family members I think its a bit different because I think for something like this they do mean well as do strangers I think but with family they are just invested into your child's safety as well. But if you were right there and playing with your daughter yeah I would be put off by it as well.

[lonegirl]

I would and have....if I thought they were going for something harmful. If a parent was there I would give him/her the heads up if they weren't paying attention.

If it is a family member then....yeah you know imo they do have a claim over my child. I would say thanks. If it was something that was harmless but they thought was harmful or something the child shouldn't be mouthing I would say "thanks...it's ok...I don't mind him playing with that"

[NellieKatz]

This has happened with me....but I'm the other mama. I have a friend who is WAY laid-back about her baby. He's a wonderful baby and her hands-off instincts are probably the reason he's such a resourceful, relaxed, happy, free child. I adore that kid and she has done an awesome job with him.

That being said, I have found that I am a nervous wreck in their presence. My friend has said "that's ok, he can do that, or that's ok, he'll fall and clunk his head and he learns that way..." that type of thing. In other words she indicates to me that really, most times, I don't need to look out for him (like when we are in a group and the baby is crawling around, interacting with everyone & everything, and bigger kids are being rough & tumble playing ball nearby and the soccer ball keeps flying our way, or we're outdoors and he's putting fistfuls of nature into his mouth, that sort of thing...)

I totally try and respect her way of mothering, but what ends up happening is I find out that I am a nervous WRECK!! I mean, I respect her wishes, but her idea of what is safe & OK for her kid and what is safe & OK for mine are two different things. And yes it is I who am neurotic and nervous. I fully admit it.

So it's funny, like when I am at her house, I find myself saying "please don't leave the room!" because if she doesn't want me intervening in the baby's safety, then she needs to be there and tell me what's OK. Because I don't even know how to function in her way of being, with the completely non-babyproofed environment. Sometimes she does leave the room and I find myself trying to engage the little guy (he's a toddler now) in conversation or game-playing, just to keep him so busy he won't wander around and try and pull down the mountain of stuff that's precariously perched on the table above his head, or grab those scissors that are in plain reach, or stand and cut his head on the sharp-edged cabinet drawer at toddler-head-height which is too full or else I'd just shut it, or climb up the stairs, or get up on a chair and stand up and take a header onto the floor.....

So yeah, I speak on behalf of these moms that intervene...they might just be doing so out of their own anxiety pure and simple....they are doing what THEY think is helping/protecting/whatever, and it is SO hard to get outside of that mindset and stay hands-off. Even when you know that the mother (i.e. the OP in this case) is a great mother. To those of us who tend toward the nervous, it feels counter-intuitive, as our mothering styles can be very ingrained. And it all goes back to how we were parented. My mom was a nervous wreck and she did an awesome job of passing that on to me.

So, in short, it might not be about you....it could very well just be them. :-)

[One_Girl]

I would have assumed that they knew that someone with something terrible on their shoe had stepped on that object only seconds before and they were being helpful. I wouldn't have given dd a chance to eat something off of the floor or ground though so I don't know that I can offer a non-biased opinion. If you do say something then be prepared for a lecture/argument. I always let my play on the ground or floor when she was younger and I had so many unsolicited comments towards both of us. If I wasn't in the mood to argue then I wouldn't respond.

[pookamamagoose]

this is a big struggle for me, as well. i believe 'it takes a village', but if i am right there and correcting any inappropriate behavior of my child, i do not - and he does not - need any extra voices chiming in their instruction. in my opinion, if the parent is NOT doing anything, then it's probably okay to step in while they're right there, or better, ask them to correct their child's behavior before someone loses an eye. if i'm out of the room, i hope and pray someone will step in for me as they think i would see fit...it's a sticky situation, eh? there have been many occasions when at my in-laws there have been 3 non-parent voices chiming in while i or my husband are working to correct our son's behavior, and we have friends that will do this, too. very distracting for all of us. i've been trying very hard to be assertive and say, "i've got it, thanks" or drop a heavy hint by saying "e., please listen to mama"...

[angelpie545]

Well..some won't like this...but I have interfered before and I will continue to if it's necessary..BUT..only in situations that involve safety, neglect, or someone else's kid taking or damaging my or my kids' property. I'd expect the same from another parent if my kids were doing something unsafe/destructive and I hadn't stepped in yet. FWIW when it has happened I'm always gentle and kind about it, and I can't remember a time I've done it with a total stranger. It would have to be a *really* intense situation for me to say something to a stranger's kid-I'd say something to the parent first, of course if that ever happened.

My friend, for example, has this son who is a great, sweet kid, but she just does. not. watch him at all. He's a toddler, so of course he's naturally curious and wants to touch absolutely everything around him and hates being told no. Typical kid, ya know? Well, my friend just is fine to let him wander around everywhere, grabbing everything, destroying things, ext., then gets upset when people try to protect their property or tell him no firmly. So, when he's in my house, I end up following him absolutely everywhere trying to prevent him from literally tearing apart my house. In that case, I have no qualms interfering with her "parenting" because she doesn't parent in the first place. I also don't have her at my house anymore because she can't be trusted to watch her son. It sucks, because I love my friend, but if I continue to have her over things will be broken and she doesn't have the money to replace those items. I'd rather just avoid the issues in the first place and meet her in a public place or at her house.

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One time... many, many years ago. I took a group of kids to the public pool. I had two toddlers sitting right next to me on the little baby pool step. Litterally RIGHT NEXT TO ME. One on either side.

I was talking to one of the grade schoolers when a woman came up and grabbed one of the toddlers out of the water.

I hadn't noticed... that while he was still sitting next to me, his giant toddler head had had pulled his face under the water... he was practically drowning while I was "watching him" and I thought he was fine. If that lady hadn't butted in, I don't know if he would have been able to lift his head back up. I don't know when I would have noticed. I was just about to say "Oh, he's fine" when I saw what had happened. Just his face was about an inch below the water.

He's all grown and has kids of his own now. I'm so glad that lady was paying attention. Because I already thought I was, and apparently, I wasn't.

[snarky]

Yep, I parent other kids and don't mind if other people parent mine. For example, at my in-law's house I will take popcorn from babies, remove wayward children from the bouncy castle, tell my nephews not to rag on fat people, move drinks away from toddlers, offer hungry kids a snack. I do this either because the parents are not looking or I'm just the nearest grownup. I expect they would do the same for me.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by zinemama

It's kind of funny. People are all, "it takes a village" and nostalgic for the tribal days. But when a villager steps in, the way she would have back in the tribe...lookout!

I think many of us feel isolated at times and crave community. But, at the same time, in our diverse society there are so many different perspectives on childrearing.

I guess the key is to find the balance between community and privacy that we and our families are happiest with. And determine in our own minds what kind of involvement from others is welcome, what is merely tolerable, and at what point we need to politely, and possibly firmly, draw the line with people.

[NiteNicole]

I think people also do it out of habit sometimes, especially if they have kids of their own or are caregivers. I know I find myself saying, "Oh no, honey, put that down" with my niece and her mom is right there. I usually just say - oops, sorry, habit and we laugh about it. I'm not SUPER careful or terribly hovery with my daughter but sometimes the mommy brain does not switch off or filter the fact that I'm not "on duty" for that child. It takes me by surprise sometimes how fast it happens!