Is it appropriate to 'parent' other people's children? - Page 3

[GoBecGo]

It depends on the level of interaction though. My DD can be doing something and i can look relatively disengaged to the casual onlooker, occasionally talking to her while i look at other things, talk to someone else or even read, but i know exactly what she has in her hands, exactly where her hands are and exactly what she's doing. But i wouldn't expect that casual observer to know that. It could also be that the leaf in question looked like a leaf they thought was dangerous beyond it's leaf-status, and they might think you don't know about it being poisonous (and not realise it isn't). Or they *might* at a stretch think you're being crazily lax - i was once "told off" by an older woman for letting DD lick stones (which were smooth flint and changed colour when wet, hence her fascination). But she was genuinely concerned for my DD, so i just said "it's ok, i see her, i've got it" and smiled.

Really you can't have it both ways - either it takes a village and you get a village to rely on or it's your way only and you rely on yourself.

[Ldavis24]

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies yet but I have this particular situation happen to me all the time. DD is always grabbing stuff and shoving it in her mouth as babies do. If it is not something that she can choke on I generally don't make a big fuss about it. Over the past weekend I was visiting my mom who just got a new puppy. Well to DD and puppy alike all their toys look the same. The dog was chewing the baby toys and the baby LOVED the dog toys. I honestly didn't care if DD chewed something with a little dog slobber (it certainly won't be the grossest thing she tries to eat I imagine) but my mother was freaking out the whole time and kept grabbing stuff away from her! Eventually it got to the point of me being really annoyed and telling her to stop yanking stuff out of her hands.

On the other hand if it is something even possibly dangerous I would expect someone to grab it from her, regardless if I am sitting there or not. It is just a reaction sometimes, I would do the same thing to another baby. I don't really see it as "parenting" so much as a safety issue.

[possum]

While I usually bristle at other people doing things I wouldn't do, I generally think people are well-intentioned and try not to counter them unless it's something that is really not okay in our book. I don't like it when people correct my son for behavior I think is okay and am not okay with people scaring him (Oh my God he's going to fall from up there - at the park on the climbing structures), so I often gently say, whatever-it-is is okay for him. I also don't let people mistreat or shout at him (a cousin did this over the holidays when he was being too rough playing with her kid and I was trying to intervene - I just said we don't shout at him and I was taking care of it).
But in general, I don't think it's terrible for my son to learn that people out there have different expectations, and I don't mind if someone gently corrects him when he's out and about. Sometimes I think it's helpful when someone comments on his running through a store. I feel like some back up is nice when I say that people don't like it when we are rowdy in their stores or whatever it is I am trying to teach him.

Melinda

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Really you can't have it both ways - either it takes a village and you get a village to rely on or it's your way only and you rely on yourself.

I see your point. On the one hand, I have felt quite enamored of the "tribal system" when learning about people like the Yequana Indians of South America. On the other hand, I also feel quite enamored of mindful parenting, and I feel blessed by all the access I have to all kinds of information and ideas.

And I have to realize that I honestly would rather be in my own situation, than to be a tribal person without internet access or exposure to other ways of thinking and doing things. There sure is a lot we can learn from Yequana mothers and other tribal mothers -- but I love it that we have choices. We have alternatives.

Whereas, what they are doing obviously works really well for them, and it's what their people have been doing for thousands of years. But I don't think those mothers and children have the same degree of choice that me and my children do.

Which brings me to my second point -- what you said about it being "your (the parent's) way only," in which case the parent just has him/herself to rely on. In my case, it's not necessarily about it being MY way.

As some others like Ann have mentioned, some of us are quite happy to let things go if our children are unaffected by the other adult's involvement or interference. But, in my case, when another adult's interactions with my child are upsetting to my child, I do feel a need to step in.

This sometimes creates some tough situations for me. I've shared here before about the strong need I feel for more community for myself and my family -- but it seems like wherever we go to get plugged in to a larger community, we encounter adults who don't respect children as human beings in their own right.

I.e., my youger dd who turns 5 tomorrow, still goes by the name of Baby (it's the only name she will answer to -- and she won't just ignore people who try to call her something else, she gets really upset by it). Some people in the larger community feel a need to keep making an issue of this -- and, confrontational as I may seem online, I seriously don't enjoy confronting people in real life.

So, for me, issues like this sometimes have me wondering if it's really worth it to leave the house. It just seems like sometimes the community requires me to be so confrontational, in order to protect the rights of my children. Some people say to just let the child deal with it ...

But when a child asserts herself to an adult and the adult continues being disrespectful -- well, you get the picture: some children will just shut up and give in to the adult, and some (i.e. my little one) are likely to get mad and haul off and slap the rude adult. So I don't really feel I can just leave it all up to my 5yo to handle.

[GoBecGo]

Oh i think tribes have internal disagreements all the time too! I just meant that if you go with the village mentality a certain amount of benefit-of-doubt giving, tongue-biting and understanding is necessary to get along, just as if you don't a certain amount of self-sufficiency, independence and single-mindedness is needed.

My dad tends (to me) to over-discipline my DD. I let him get on with it generally, she understands that granddad has really high standards and demands good behaviour. But if he's rude i will step in for her, because i want her to have both high standards AND self-esteem and so together my dad and i can model both simultaneously. I'm not rude to my dad, i just point out what i think he's done which was unhelpful. He is very respectful (it's something he both demands and models) and usually if he's rude it's unthinking old-man cantankerousness, and he always apologises earnestly to me and to her. I know his commenting on her behaviour isn't a criticism of ME or my parenting, so i make sure i don't react like it is.

[leighi123]

I'm pretty laid back with ds, it bugs me when people try to 'take over' when ds is just fine! Like at the playground, I let him climb anything he can get up without hovering over him, he is careful and will only climb what he knows he can get up, and if he needs help he asks for it. But other parents always go stand by him and 'spot' him, even if he is 2 feet off the ground and has climbed the thing 50 times before. If I was worried he'd fall, I would be right there, but I know he is fine so I just watch from near by.

I've had people yell at me before for letting him play with stuff - like when he was maybe a year old and was rolling a pencil on the floor, a lady yelled at me that he was going to get lead poisoning. I just said 'he's fine thank you'

[BlueWolf]

mammal_mama, I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes it just not worth the fight so I too will stay home. Sometimes you really have to set yourself (and others) up for success. If I know there with be an issue over something I have a tendency to want to avoid it.

I think it's a good thing that your daughter stands up for herself. I hope my daughter will do the same as she grows older, but I will help her learn how to stand up for herself in a respectful manner. I think it's so important for kids to realize that they can disagree with grown ups (they're not always right just because they're adults), but they must disagree in a respectful manner.

[Bluegoat]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies yet but I have this particular situation happen to me all the time. DD is always grabbing stuff and shoving it in her mouth as babies do. If it is not something that she can choke on I generally don't make a big fuss about it. Over the past weekend I was visiting my mom who just got a new puppy. Well to DD and puppy alike all their toys look the same. The dog was chewing the baby toys and the baby LOVED the dog toys. I honestly didn't care if DD chewed something with a little dog slobber (it certainly won't be the grossest thing she tries to eat I imagine) but my mother was freaking out the whole time and kept grabbing stuff away from her! Eventually it got to the point of me being really annoyed and telling her to stop yanking stuff out of her hands.

On the other hand if it is something even possibly dangerous I would expect someone to grab it from her, regardless if I am sitting there or not. It is just a reaction sometimes, I would do the same thing to another baby. I don't really see it as "parenting" so much as a safety issue.

THis is a good example of something that would bother me, though I am usually pretty relaxed. I'd just keep thinking - that dog eats his own excrement and likely has worms. Blech! Internal parasites really gross me out.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

I think it's a good thing that your daughter stands up for herself. I hope my daughter will do the same as she grows older, but I will help her learn how to stand up for herself in a respectful manner. I think it's so important for kids to realize that they can disagree with grown ups (they're not always right just because they're adults), but they must disagree in a respectful manner.

Oh, yes, I agree about the need to learn to disagree respectfully. But my youngest, at this time, sometimes has a low tolerance if she's said her piece and the adult is still trying to push the issue. Like, getting down face-to-face with dd to push the issue ...

Which I realize is the most respectful way to talk with a child -- but when the purpose of getting face-to-face is to push the adult agenda, I think it comes off more to dd like someone being "in her face."

I certainly don't want to make it sound like my child is just going around smacking people. It has hardly ever come to that, because of me being right there and intervening in her behalf if the adult is being pushy.

I think these issues will be fewer and farther between as dd2 grows, and her communications skills are improving all the time. I feel pretty sure that she won't always want to be Baby. She recently told me that when she's done being Baby, her name will be Rosie (I think she really likes Princess Rosalinda from that Disney movie "The Princess Protection Program").

Anyhow, at whatever point she chooses a name, we will call her that, whether or not it's one of her legal names, or a derivative of one of those names. And if she continues liking that new name, then eventually we'll have her name legally-changed.

And once she is introducing herself as something besides Baby, there won't be all these people feeling a need to initiate discussions with her about it. Right now, it seems like some people just can't drop it, even though I've said that for now she's Baby -- and I've also said that the sooner people leave her alone about it, the sooner she'll move on.

It still keeps coming up, so it's like I have to stay right with her and be ready to deal with the people. I'm afraid that my dd just finds it infuriating when people keep trying to talk with her about her name. So, yeah, she needs to respect these people -- but then they also need to learn to respect her!

But, I guess the answer is to just lay low for the time being. It really won't be all that long before she's Rosie, or some other name that won't give some people such ants in their pants.

[mamadebug]

I think it is something that just happens and you have to learn to live with. Right now it is about a baby eating something like a leaf and if another adult should intervene - a couple of years from now it will be about how some kids play or share or whatever on the play ground and if another adult should intervene.

Basically, though, I recognize that I have a higher tolerance for my baby or kid eating random things, taking physical risks, having distance away from me in public places, etc than many parents seem to. I also recognize that usually people who step in are doing so out of concern and because they truly think the child is unsafe or in danger or whatever. There could be the odd time I didn't realize what was going on and would really appreciate someone's intervention. Usually, though, I am aware my kid is eating a leaf and I am fine with it. Sooo, while I may find it mildly annoying in particular instances, overall, I appreciate a person looking out for my kid. I usually just say something simple like, "oh thanks. he's fine". At the same time, there have certainly been instances where I didn't hesitate to step in and interact with a baby or kid when I was concerned.

[GreenMamma]

I haven't read any of the replied, but just wanted to answer your question with my thoughts...and no. If you are nearby and watching your child, I don't feel it's ever ok.

[dogretro]

Unless it's an immediate safety risk, like something sharp, I say to the parent, "He just put a leaf in his mouth." If the parent says it is okay, I smile & say, "Okay, just checking!" b/c lots of parents don't like their kids putting things like leaves into their mouths & would want to know about it. DD was once sitting right by me at a park & she put a piece of broken glass in her mouth! I don't remember if another mom pointed it out or I just fished it out myself, but I don't mind getting alerts & then assessing for myself whether or not it is okay. If the baby had a corn husk & someone asked if it was okay for her to have that, I think that is perfectly acceptable. I can say yes or no. Just taking it away when I am sitting right there is not okay. If I am nowhere around, the adult can assess for themselves & take the action they deem necessary.

[calpurnia]

I just remembered an incident. We'd just got on a 'plane, & DD was toddling up & down the aisles while we waited for take-off. I was sort of staring around & not really concentrating on her while following her up & down the aisles. I thought I saw her pick up a bit of paper from the floor, when a bloke tapped me on the arm & said "she just put something in her mouth". I was all blase about it, felt aggrieved he'd pointed it out that she was eating paper, until I looked at her & she had found a pill on the floor & put it in her mouth.



(She was fine. We had a horrible flight, didn't know what it was, of course, couldn't get off the plane, of course. Think it might have been a sleeping tablet/vitamin pill. If he hadn't pointed it out to me I don't know if I would have noticed in time, I thought she had picked up a bit of paper)