3yo boy insisting on being a girl

[coleslaw]

What should I think at this point? It's to the point that he is rude to people if they call him by his real name (he wants to be called "Hermione") or refer to him as a boy or use the word "he". He is boy-ish in every other way stereotypically. He has a hard time playing with most boys his age and would prefer to play with girls. In fact he says that he hates boys. He gets all alpha male in the presence of boys his age (not older though). Obviously, whatever the situation, I know a)I'll love him and accept him and b) I can't change anything. But I guess I just want to know if this means anything. Obviously, the rudeness is a different situation to address, but I only say it to show how strongly he can feel about it. Thanks for any helpful thoughts you may have.

[MusicianDad]

I would ignore the instisting he a girl and focus on the rudeness. I would help him learn to express his desire to be referred to as a girl and called Hermione in a polite way. Go over a few simple things he can say like: "Excuse me, but can you please refer to me as she/her/Hermione."

Whether he grows out of it or not, he can have the tools to assert himself without being mean about it.

[Oriole]

Dunno if it means anything in your case, but I do know that DSD used to insist she is a boy around the same age. According to her dad, she was really insistent. It was just a stage in her case. I think that's the age when kids begin to examine what it means to be a girl vs. a boy.

[hakeber]

Life would be so much easier for kids if we weren't such a gender focused society. They could just be kids and define their sex when they were sexually matured enough to know what sex and gender really meant.

Have you ever read this short story?

http://etransgender.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=1850

I think this is all healthy experimentation and role play. But definitely give him the skills to do so without stepping on other's feelings or being angry about it, and give him lots of room to talk about his feelings. It can be terribly frustrating to be pigeon holed into a gender role you don't currently relate to, and we push such dichotomization so so young, it can be really confusing and upsetting for those who fall further into the gray shades.

There's an interesting article about this here, too, that might be worth reading.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=3088298&page=1

[LynnS6]

At 3, I'd focus on being polite in his requests to be called by his name/pronoun of choice, but not worry too much about gender identity. 3 year olds have a pretty flexible idea of gender -- it's not necessarily clear to them that they can't 'switch' their gender at will. Wanting to change your name is also pretty typical at that age.

There are a fair number of threads about this very issue for kids precisely this age. Most grow out of it. If he still feels strongly about this in 3-4 years, then I'd think that it's more likely that he's transgendered. (And then I'm out of my depth completely.)

[4evermom]

I did that, lol. I decided it would be better to be a boy and made my family call me "Johnson". I think I meant Jonathan.

It didn't mean anything about gender orientation in my case, just a common little kid phase. With your ds, I'd just suggest a script that he could say when people don't call him what he wants, like MusicianDad suggested. I used to do that sort of thing a lot with my ds, help him come up with phrases to get the result he wanted in a more socially acceptable or polite way. Then I would back him up if necessary.

[philomom]

Gender is something kids "try on" at that age. No biggie.


My nephew wanted to be a fire truck at that age.

[mainemommy1]

same here with a 4.5 year old boy -however my child is something or someone different every other day it seems. Sometimes he is himself-other times he pretends to be our female family dog, his teacher, a girl in his class, Lightening McQueen, Kelly from Handy Manny, Biscuit from the Biscuit book series, Johnny tractor from a book. I pretty much play along but we do talk about being polite to others. He is a bit older so it is easier but I sure do like the days when he is himself. I personally think it has a lot to do with imaginations and pretend play. I don't think "it means anything" this young.

[anj_rn]

My son decided he wanted to be a mommy for a couple of mnths. He wanted to be called mommy and pretended to breastfeed his stuffed animal (who we had to call his baby. It faded. Now he tells random people, "Mommy has boobies for feeding babies, Daddy has boobies because he is fat."

[coleslaw]

Thank you so much for all of your replies! I think you are right about the teaching him how to best express himself, which is what I will do. I just hope the people who know him best will respect that. I don't have a good feeling, which really sucks.

[MusicianDad]

As a PP said, you are well with in your rights to back him up if others (especially adults) give him a hard time.

[coleslaw]

Rebekah, I wanted to thank you for those articles. They were what I needed to read. Thanks!

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by coleslaw

Rebekah, I wanted to thank you for those articles. They were what I needed to read. Thanks!

No problem.

[DaughterOfKali]

My son was that way for years. He's just now getting over it at age 7 (he's now insisting he's Ben 10).

I let my son pretend but I tried to make sure he was nice about it. I told him that although he may think it's fun pretending to be a girl, not everyone is going to like it.

[SeekingSerenity]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

At 3, I'd focus on being polite in his requests to be called by his name/pronoun of choice, but not worry too much about gender identity. 3 year olds have a pretty flexible idea of gender -- it's not necessarily clear to them that they can't 'switch' their gender at will. Wanting to change your name is also pretty typical at that age.

There are a fair number of threads about this very issue for kids precisely this age. Most grow out of it. If he still feels strongly about this in 3-4 years, then I'd think that it's more likely that he's transgendered. (And then I'm out of my depth completely.)

Yep to this. My son started wanting to be a girl at about this age, when he discovered that boys and girls were different. He is going to be 7 in two weeks and is still "a girl in his heart" with no signs whatsoever of growing out of it. He has, however, started learning how to "fit in," which unfortunately means faking it most of the time. (Hiding the fact that he feels he is truly a girl when he is around anyone but me and his sister.) He also still wants to have a girl's name.

I never thought I would be among those to say not to worry about it, but actually at this age I think it's just a phase. As PPs have said, focus on the rudeness and teaching the polite responses to the name issue. At the young age of 3, however, when gender is such a vague concept, wanting to be something else should really be expected. My 4-1/2 year old DD still thinks she is a kitty-kitty about half the time (and lately has insisted on being referred to as a giant squid ). You mentioned that your DS is a "boy" in all other ways, which my son never really has been, so that could be an indication that this is just an experimental phase with him.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by anj_rn

Now he tells random people, "Mommy has boobies for feeding babies, Daddy has boobies because he is fat."

!

[hedgehogs4]

Good advice here - My 3 yo ds wants to grow up to be a "Big Grandma!"

[claddaghmom]

Sounds totally normal. I remember painting my brother's nails and putting makeup on him at that age...and later lol. And whoever was young at that age would wear tutus and veils and whatever dress up clothing was available...and all the young ones pretended to nurse b/c my mom was always nursing.

Just address the rudeness. And try out a few neutral statements like, "He's so bright; he's going through a great imagination stage."

[NightOwlwithowlet]

My son wanted to be a giant scorpion that shot laser beams from his stinger at four. At three, he wanted to be a dragon.......

[B & B]

My son at 4 cried because he realized he would never be able to feel what it would be like to give birth to his twins (he wanted twins when he grew up LOL) he was seriously depressed that he would never experience that and it was a while before he got over that...he is 10 now and such a boy tackle football is what he lives for now..well that and his drums ROFL