or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › Healing Birth Trauma › 34 weeks - I need help staying calm and rational!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

34 weeks - I need help staying calm and rational!!

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
My previous birth was very scary. I had pre-e so they induced my labor. The induction failed and was moved to a c-section. Soon post c-section I had horrible liver pains and it was discovered I'd developed HELLP. Then I started bleeding severely. I was in and out of consciousness and required multiple transfusions. I must've had some sort of PTSD because it took months before I was able to fall asleep without involuntarily jerking awake.

I thought I was sort of past my fears. I'm 34 weeks now and my DS (who survived the traumatic delivery just fine, thank GOD!!) is 18 months old. I have PIH and had to go to Labor and Delivery for some monitoring. Emotions flooded back and I found myself very anxious to be in the hospital. Several nurses remembered me and remembered my delivery (which is saying something as it is a big hospital and it'd been a year and a half!) I guess I was one of those rare patients that they very nearly lost - so I was memorable. Of course, I was so out of it that I don't remember the nurses...

I'm so worried that I'll freak out when it comes time for delivery. How do I stay calm?? How to I stay rational?

Also, my doctor wants to do a planned c-section at 39 weeks. I can't go to 40 weeks due to my blood pressure, and I can't be induced due to the previous c-section. If, however, I go into labor on my own before 39 weeks she'd give me to option to try to VBAC.

I'm completely unable to make a decision on the VBAC. I really need to make a decision soon, though. I feel like I am almost crippled with the fear of thinking about delivery that I just can't wrap my mind around making a choice. I don't know if that makes any sense... but it's like my mind won't even let me "go there" so I can't come to a decision.

Any suggestions on any of the above are appreciated. I need to get my act together.
post #2 of 8
I don't have anything helpful to say I'm afraid but I didn't want you to have no replies. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything goes smoothly this time.
post #3 of 8
Your experience sounds very, very difficult. I feel for you! A friend of mine struggled with the vbac vs. c-section question for a long time. She read through a lot of vbac birth stories, etc. Ultimately, she decided on the planned c-section. In her case, I believe it was because she felt she could control some things about it, like who was going to do it, the ambiance in the room while it was going on, etc. I think she also feared trying vbac and ultimately needing a c-section, all the effort and trauma (the first birth labor was difficult and long and resulted in c-section) for nothing. Again. Unfortunately, they called her at the last minute saying there had been a change in which doc would be performing the section -- from her favorite to her least favorite. She was pretty devastated, but came to terms with it.

Anyway, I know this is very different from your situation, but just maybe will help trigger some thoughts or ideas. Good luck to you!
post #4 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyZymurgy View Post
My previous birth was very scary. I had pre-e so they induced my labor. The induction failed and was moved to a c-section. Soon post c-section I had horrible liver pains and it was discovered I'd developed HELLP. Then I started bleeding severely. I was in and out of consciousness and required multiple transfusions. I must've had some sort of PTSD because it took months before I was able to fall asleep without involuntarily jerking awake.

I thought I was sort of past my fears. I'm 34 weeks now and my DS (who survived the traumatic delivery just fine, thank GOD!!) is 18 months old. I have PIH and had to go to Labor and Delivery for some monitoring. Emotions flooded back and I found myself very anxious to be in the hospital. Several nurses remembered me and remembered my delivery (which is saying something as it is a big hospital and it'd been a year and a half!) I guess I was one of those rare patients that they very nearly lost - so I was memorable. Of course, I was so out of it that I don't remember the nurses...

I'm so worried that I'll freak out when it comes time for delivery. How do I stay calm?? How to I stay rational?

Also, my doctor wants to do a planned c-section at 39 weeks. I can't go to 40 weeks due to my blood pressure, and I can't be induced due to the previous c-section. If, however, I go into labor on my own before 39 weeks she'd give me to option to try to VBAC.

I'm completely unable to make a decision on the VBAC. I really need to make a decision soon, though. I feel like I am almost crippled with the fear of thinking about delivery that I just can't wrap my mind around making a choice. I don't know if that makes any sense... but it's like my mind won't even let me "go there" so I can't come to a decision.

Any suggestions on any of the above are appreciated. I need to get my act together.
mama. I really can't imagine all the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now. Thats a lot to work through in the next few weeks as you prep for the delivery.

Is it something you truly have to decide on? If OB is open to you trying for a VBAC if you go into labor before 39 weeks, is it something you can see how you feel when you get there? Say at 38.5 you go into labor, if you feel totally paralyzed by fear, you can just opt for a c/s, right? I don't mean that it would be that easy, but it might be the best way of "knowing" for you what feels right, kwim?

GOOD LUCK and lots of good vibes for a healthy delivery and healthy babe.
post #5 of 8
I had PTSD after the traumatic birth and death of my second son. During my third pregnancy I got to a point where I knew DH and I needed to talk through our son's birth. We found a counselor who specializes in caring for women (and women who've suffered infant loss) and it made all the difference in the world.

I'd suggest finding someone or a support group to go and talk it out with.

Best wishes on a lovely birthing experience this time around.
post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thanks so much for the supportive responses. Cheshire, I am so sorry you lost your son. I can't even imagine the level of trauma such a loss would add to an already frightening delivery. I'm glad you were able to work through your fears for your third pregnancy - that gives me a lot of hope.

Maybe I don't need to pressure myself to make a vbac decision right now. Maybe I can try to wait and see how I feel in the moment. I mean, there is a good chance that I won't go into labor before 39 weeks anyway. I can definitely see, though, how I would feel so much more in control with a planned c-section. (I never thought I'd say that... I've always wanted to have totally drug free births... but I was never dealt those cards, unfortunately... and now fear is pushing me even further away from that idea.)

The last couple of nights, all my dreams have been about blood and bleeding. They are disturbing - and also really surprising to me. I really didn't think I had this much fear still in me. My subconscious seems even more terrified than my conscious mind!

Now I am almost 35 weeks and I need to get a handle on things. I don't feel like I have time for counseling - not just because delivery is so near but also because my days are spent trying to prepare for our new arrival and chasing after our 18 month old. I hate to burden DH with my fears, because he has his own fears to contend with... he really thought I was going to die last time and thought he was going to be a single parent to our son.

I worked so hard to convince my DH and family that there was nothing to fear with this pregnancy, that I'll feel like a hypocrite if I admit how terrified I am. I feel like I have to act brave and strong because everyone else is so uncertain.

It does feel good to vent these things here... so I appreciate everyone who posted a response, and even those who just read my words. Thank you.
post #7 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyZymurgy View Post
Thanks so much for the supportive responses. Cheshire, I am so sorry you lost your son. I can't even imagine the level of trauma such a loss would add to an already frightening delivery. I'm glad you were able to work through your fears for your third pregnancy - that gives me a lot of hope.

Maybe I don't need to pressure myself to make a vbac decision right now. Maybe I can try to wait and see how I feel in the moment. I mean, there is a good chance that I won't go into labor before 39 weeks anyway. I can definitely see, though, how I would feel so much more in control with a planned c-section. (I never thought I'd say that... I've always wanted to have totally drug free births... but I was never dealt those cards, unfortunately... and now fear is pushing me even further away from that idea.)

The last couple of nights, all my dreams have been about blood and bleeding. They are disturbing - and also really surprising to me. I really didn't think I had this much fear still in me. My subconscious seems even more terrified than my conscious mind!

Now I am almost 35 weeks and I need to get a handle on things. I don't feel like I have time for counseling - not just because delivery is so near but also because my days are spent trying to prepare for our new arrival and chasing after our 18 month old. I hate to burden DH with my fears, because he has his own fears to contend with... he really thought I was going to die last time and thought he was going to be a single parent to our son.

I worked so hard to convince my DH and family that there was nothing to fear with this pregnancy, that I'll feel like a hypocrite if I admit how terrified I am. I feel like I have to act brave and strong because everyone else is so uncertain.

It does feel good to vent these things here... so I appreciate everyone who posted a response, and even those who just read my words. Thank you.


I know that there is so much to do, and so little time for everything, but finding a therapist might help - your OB might even be able to make a recommendation? It's worth a try, even just for a visit or 2.

And, its completely OK to admit that you're scared! What mother isn't scared about birth or the possibilities?!?!?! Even mothers who haven't had traumatic experiences have fears. Talk to your DH, I'm sure he'll understand, and talking to him might help you calm your fears. Talking to him will also put you both on the same page as far as the birth - he can tell you his preferences, you can talk about your fears about both options, his fears about each option, etc. Hopefully it can be a good conversation that brings you closer!
post #8 of 8
Its amazing how talking to someone outside of your personal situation can help. Even just one or 2 times. Like a doula or a councellor or therapist who has experience dealing with birth trauma. I had a big talk with my midwife last week at our first real appointment, I am planning on a hbac in July. I told her about something that had happened where I felt betrayed by my mother just at the start of my last labor. I started crying again and this is something I talked about with my mother and she apologized and everything but I think I still was holding a fear about not being respected in this upcoming birth and it really helped to talk to the midwife and be told that its ok to cry (even though it was 3 years ago and I thought it was something I had resolved!). I know fear can be one of the hardest things to deal with, if you really can't talk to someone, I would suggest writing about them. Get a journal and blab away, write all your fears and what you would do if they happen. It helps to make things more clear in your mind and get the ball rolling. Good luck.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Healing Birth Trauma
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › Healing Birth Trauma › 34 weeks - I need help staying calm and rational!!