In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb? *~*'~* March Dating Thread *~*'~*

[Butterflymom]

Rough and Dynamic now, but settled down into sweetness by the month's end? We can dream, right???

NYC guy wants to buy my mom a first class ticket to visit me for next month to make things up to me. She has to be here to testify in my criminal kidnapping charges (yes, my relationship with my ex is LOVELY).

So if he does that, which he is supposed to call today to discuss, I will forgive him. He wants us to meet next month. Let's see.


Swedish guy is being SO sweet and SO persisitent but I am avoiding him. I feel like a jerk.

Short baldie bought me bengal kitties. all you on my facebook can see them. They are gorgeous.

[Butterflymom]

oh, and Seie, what's up these days with you and the manager?

[LoveOhm]

Butterfly your strength in your situation amazes me constantly. I really adore you and spent time on your blog catching up on your life recently, I am sure you saw my comments with my hard-to-figure-out-who-this-must-be-name

I know you really need your mom there so I hope NYC guy makes that happen! I must have missed it but what did NYC guy do that he has to make up for? What is the deal with the Swedish Guy if you are not into him why not just say it.... unless there is good reason to keep him around. LOVE bengal kittens so cute and wild looking!!!

I am still taking turtle steps with the Artist. He and I both are happy and value each other, but we have yet to find a rhythm that allows us to see each other as much as we desire. Ahh the joys of dating as a solo mama... I do think it will be easier once I have my own place vs. being in my parents guesthouse so at least I can feel comfortable having him visit after dd is asleep and not have to pay for childcare each time I see him.

Lately he has expressed wanting to spend more time with me as well as ways he thinks we can accomplish this while being considerate of my feelings about dd. And both yesterday and today he has hinted at wanting to define our relationship.... I think he is trying to define it mentally for himself at this point and since he has never dated a single mom and I have never been in a relationship since being a single mama it's new for us both. I'm not rushing things, but I do find it funny I was thinking of asking him if he was dating other people tonight (since he & I are still not talking politics) and to my surprise he is trying to define "us" so I kept my question to myself.

[Butterflymom]

He vanished without a trace for a month. After the contact after that to 'make things up to me' he wrote back and forth twice and vanished for a week. Then three days ago wrote and said helping my mom sounds great, let's plan for the two of us meeting in april, etc, and I said great, let's talk on the phone tomorrow, he said he'd call, then yesterday he didn't call as he promised. I asked him directly if he's still single and he didn't answer back. Now we have 48 hours of the vanishing act.

I'm really over these games. Either be cool, figure out what you want to voluntarily offer me from your life and then stick to that, reliably, or then leave me alone.

I'm seeing the TallKinkyGentleman from a year ago, now on a pretty regular basis. Not just an affair, last week we took my kids and his youngest daughter for an overnight trip to the spa. It was so much fun and he........ sigh. Well, I normally don't do this whole Sex & the City comparisons to life, but.... this man is a blonde, european Mr. Big. Seriously. His personality and style of dress and style of dating and just EVERYTHING. Just so tall, handsome, rich, stylish, gentlemanly, irreverent, boyish, charming, sexy, 40something, and infuriating. All of those things. But with my sons, he was delightful. Just so great with them. Made me like him even more.
And he says he'll become single soon. I don't know what I'm thinking.

With a new gentleman I've just met, man, the connection is strong but he's not single either. This one is available, though, in a truly open/poly marriage. His wife has one particular second romantic partner in her life, and she has urged him to have something steady and ongoing, as well, to even things out. They spend so much time apart, as he travels for work nearly constantly, so empty hotel rooms are his norm, and he knows she's not alone back at home but is not the jealous type whatsoever. He has been searching for quite awhile for his muse, but hasn't found one. Until now. He seems to think that I'm the cat's meow and would love to have an ongoing romance with me. But yes, he is married. With or without her utmost blessing and poly lifestyle, *I'm* not poly or interested in playing second fiddle to anyone. However, their openness and honesty with one another, and chosen alternative lifestyle (courageous!) inspires me and is refreshing. And this man really, really is something. I am flying a couple of hours tomorrow to go meet him for dinner, at his expense. We were on the phone for six hours last night. Three weeks of emails and calls so far. Again, what am I doing?

LoveOhm, I hope you and the Artist define things soon, and in a way that suits you beautifully.

Swedish guy is the nicest guy ever, and I dont' have the cahones to dump him and set him free. Somebody smack me.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmm...can I join you mamas even though my divorce is nowhere near finalized? I sort of, inadvertently started seeing someone.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Hmm...can I join you mamas even though my divorce is nowhere near finalized? I sort of, inadvertently started seeing someone.

Of course you can join in

So is it the long time friend? Details, please

[Halfasianmomma]

Heh thanks.

Yes, this person is a long-time friend back from my university days. He's a brilliant acid jazz musician (saxophone) and a high school English teacher...I shall call him Saxman. We studied in education together a decade ago, and *always* had a big flirtation/crush going on, but our timing always sucked. I think we were too young then and both needed to explore various things. Five years ago, we did in fact have a short-lived fling but chose to end it when it became clear that it would be a long distance thing. We continued to be friends afterwards though it was tough.

Then I met STBX and having found out my past with this person, he forbade me to see him. I sent my friend an email effectively shutting him out of my life. After I left STBX, I made a point of getting in touch with all the friends, both male and female that I had shut out of my life, just so I could apologize. Saxman and I started corresponding, tentatively at first, and then more regularly and quite extensively. I made not attempt to hide my current situation and found Saxman to be completely receptive. About a month ago, we met up for breakfast and all the old attraction and feeeling resurfaced, sort of taking me by surprise.

We kept hanging out once a week for several hours until just recently, when he invited me out to dinner and later on to a Turkish tea house for exotic tea, baklahvah and shisha. Let's just say that there were some MAJOR fireworks. Phew!

Just last week, my grandmother passed away and my parents left for the States, leaving me alone with DD. I received some help from family, my neighbors and from Saxman who came over in the late evenings, with offers of massage, wine, chocolate and ...um...kissing.

So that's where things are at right now. I don't want to go too fast for fear of ruining things, and I want to make sure I keep doing stuff by myself. But GEEZ is the man HOT. I haven't been this way since I was 16.

[mumblemama]

LoveOhm, so glad things are going well w/ the Artist. Good signs if he wants some definition, I think.

Butterflymom... I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering "what am I thinking". So I admit it. I saw Mr. Unavailable twice more, and we talk constantly. I keep thinking to break it off, but then I somehow don't. Be careful w/ yourself...

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mumblemama

Butterflymom... I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering "what am I thinking". So I admit it. I saw Mr. Unavailable twice more, and we talk constantly. I keep thinking to break it off, but then I somehow don't. Be careful w/ yourself...

IMO, I think there is a BIG difference between Butterfly's situation with a married man in a POLY relationship versus your situation with Mr. Unavailable, as I am assuming Mr. Unavailable's wife knows NOTHING of your meetings or conversations.

As someone whose X was having similar liaisons from the time I was in my 3rd trimester to the time we 'decided' to divorce, it is VERY hard for me to not want to do a 'shame on you.' BUT, I can honestly say that I pass absolutely NO judgement on you or this situation. Well, at least, once I removed my own painful past from the equation.

What I do wonder, though, is why you would want to be involved with a man that is not 100% available to you? You deserve a man that is 100% yours... in the open, no secrets, no lies and ONLY for you! Kissing ONLY you, saying sweet things to ONLY you, being there for ONLY you, etc, etc. You deserve better... and more!

[Holland73]

As for dating and me... nada, zilch, nothing.

AND I am lovin' it! I am enjoying the peace and quiet... right now. Grad school starts in April, so that is really occupying a lot of my mind, energy and dream space.

Additionally, I was just starting to feel worn out with dating. I wasn't feeling very positive. It was beginning to feel more like a chore than something fun and exciting to do. Good signs - for me - to take a break.

My last date was on February 6th and it was a GREAT date. So, that is good.

I am sure I will be back in the saddle again...

[Eaglevoice]

I'm joining in!! I am still not officially divorce, but I left my stbx a year ago...we've just been slow to file the paperwork, because...well, it's a big PITA!

Anyway, in December my sister and I were looking at match.com together, they had a free 3 day trial, we both signed up. I had full intentions of cancelling before the 3rd day, but then life happened, and I forgot! So I got charged for 3 months. I didn't really do much with it, I found most of the men writing to me on there, were soooooooo not my type. But there was 1 man, I'll call him Panama, who caught my eye after his messages. I don't know what it was about him, but I responded and we started a little flirtatious banter. This was in the beginning of December. After emailing for a couple of weeks, he asked for my cell #, then we texted for a couple of weeks. Then we started talking on the phone in January. We finally met in person at the end of January, and it was insane! Talk about instant chemistry. But...there is some drama here. He is from Panama, he has lived in the US on and off for the past 15 years on work visas. His visa was expiring a couple of years ago, and he was going to have to go back to Panama. His then girlfriend, told him she would marry him to get him citizenship papers. Even before the wedding, they knew their romantic relationship was not what it should be. A month after the wedding they decided to not be romantically involved, and instead, they decided they would stay married until he got his papers, and he in return, would pay for everything...rent, cars, insurance, food, he even gives her an allowance. There is 8 months left until he gets his papers. And they have an agreement that they are allowed to date other people, they just can't bring the other person to the house. Which makes sense. Anyway...its a crazy situation. But I am sooooooo into this guy. He is sweet, funny, he has a great job, he is the hardest worker I have ever met! He met my kids a couple of weeks ago, we were just going to meet for brunch, but ended up spending the whole day together, we went to the zoo, then to a park, then to dinner. They absolutely adore him, and he them. I'm scared to put my whole heart out there, but I'm having a hard time holding back.

[mumblemama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

IMO, I think there is a BIG difference between Butterfly's situation with a married man in a POLY relationship versus your situation with Mr. Unavailable, as I am assuming Mr. Unavailable's wife knows NOTHING of your meetings or conversations.

It sounded like her first one was also married. Tho at least not single. Not sure, but that's the one I was mainly referring to, cuz yeah.. is a big difference.

Originally Posted by Holland73

As someone whose X was having similar liaisons from the time I was in my 3rd trimester to the time we 'decided' to divorce, it is VERY hard for me to not want to do a 'shame on you.' BUT, I can honestly say that I pass absolutely NO judgement on you or this situation. Well, at least, once I removed my own painful past from the equation.

What I do wonder, though, is why you would want to be involved with a man that is not 100% available to you? You deserve a man that is 100% yours... in the open, no secrets, no lies and ONLY for you! Kissing ONLY you, saying sweet things to ONLY you, being there for ONLY you, etc, etc. You deserve better... and more!

I could say it's complicated.. it is, but that's really no excuse. I feel bad about it. His wife went on a date a few weeks ago, and they're obviously having problems. And I know I should just step away and let it work itself out. Anyway, I've known him for several years, as we work in the same industry, and we've always been friends. We haven't passed er.. certain boundaries. The whole thing just sorta happened.

I would've said this is something I'd never do, and I still argue w/ myself on a daily basis about it... it's just hard, I guess, letting someone go you feel such a strong connection with. I've been so embarrassed to even talk about it. I feel out of my mind to be completely smitten with the wrong person.

So maybe I am finally admitting to it so I can have people give me a good kick in the booty.

[Holland73]

The first woman my X pursued, the one while I was pregnant, became my assistant many months later. Once we put 2 & 2 together and figured out who each other was... I was astounded at some of the things she told me about what he was saying about me and our relationship. Total lies and craziness!!! Things that were also validated by others.

It is ALWAYS complicated. And, remember this... ALWAYS drama-filled!

But, it is better to walk into such a situation with your eyes fully wide-open and understanding of the drama, heartbreak and complications that are very, very possible outcomes for such a situation.

[LoveOhm]

My notes are below in purple...

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

He vanished without a trace for a month. After the contact after that to 'make things up to me' he wrote back and forth twice and vanished for a week. Then three days ago wrote and said helping my mom sounds great, let's plan for the two of us meeting in april, etc, and I said great, let's talk on the phone tomorrow, he said he'd call, then yesterday he didn't call as he promised. I asked him directly if he's still single and he didn't answer back. Now we have 48 hours of the vanishing act.

OUCH!!! I now see why he would be in the dog house.

I'm really over these games. Either be cool, figure out what you want to voluntarily offer me from your life and then stick to that, reliably, or then leave me alone.

I think this is really sound advice for all of your relationships...

I'm seeing the TallKinkyGentleman from a year ago, now on a pretty regular basis. Not just an affair, last week we took my kids and his youngest daughter for an overnight trip to the spa. It was so much fun and he........ sigh. Well, I normally don't do this whole Sex & the City comparisons to life, but.... this man is a blonde, european Mr. Big. Seriously. His personality and style of dress and style of dating and just EVERYTHING. Just so tall, handsome, rich, stylish, gentlemanly, irreverent, boyish, charming, sexy, 40something, and infuriating. All of those things. But with my sons, he was delightful. Just so great with them. Made me like him even more.
And he says he'll become single soon. I don't know what I'm thinking.

I think it's false to say "not just an affair" because if he is indeed still married it is an affair but now both of you are including kids in the mix (along with the physical and emotional) which only makes it even more complex. Guard your heart carefully here..... if he wants you and it's meant to be tell him to call you when he is legally separated. No need to mess with your karma on his "word" that he'll be single soon. Honestly I am not judging but you deserve better than that.

With a new gentleman I've just met, man, the connection is strong but he's not single either. This one is available, though, in a truly open/poly marriage. His wife has one particular second romantic partner in her life, and she has urged him to have something steady and ongoing, as well, to even things out. They spend so much time apart, as he travels for work nearly constantly, so empty hotel rooms are his norm, and he knows she's not alone back at home but is not the jealous type whatsoever. He has been searching for quite awhile for his muse, but hasn't found one. Until now. He seems to think that I'm the cat's meow and would love to have an ongoing romance with me. But yes, he is married. With or without her utmost blessing and poly lifestyle, *I'm* not poly or interested in playing second fiddle to anyone. However, their openness and honesty with one another, and chosen alternative lifestyle (courageous!) inspires me and is refreshing. And this man really, really is something. I am flying a couple of hours tomorrow to go meet him for dinner, at his expense. We were on the phone for six hours last night. Three weeks of emails and calls so far. Again, what am I doing?

This situation is intriguing but I could never come in 2nd to anyone..... I have trouble being second to the Artist's family, LOL! Even still if they are both happy and you are happy I don't see any harm in "dating", I just don't know if the long-term potential will be there since to me in appeared you were looking for more of a relationship.

LoveOhm, I hope you and the Artist define things soon, and in a way that suits you beautifully.

Thanks so much!!! I am not at all rushing, in some ways I am dragging my feet. I do adore the Artist but I honestly have to figure out how to make time in my life for a serious relationship. I just figured out how to date casually as a solo mama (hire a sitter 2-3 times a month) but that is just not enough time to sustain the type of relationship that the Artist and I are embarking toward.... fingers crossed for getting my own place.

Swedish guy is the nicest guy ever, and I dont' have the cahones to dump him and set him free. Somebody smack me.

Well there is a reason...... so maybe you need him in your life right now.

[sugarmoon]

In like a freaking lion is right. Apparently, ATG and I are done, although we are going to talk this weekend -- after everything being totally normal when we saw each other Saturday,Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, on Wednesday night, he sent me an email saying that a friend of his had wanted to set him up on a blind date with a friend of hers, and he had said yes...

My response to that email was "Freaking Heck, ATG". Only, you know, without the MDC friendly language. Later that evening, he sent me another email in which he told me, for the first time, that he loves me..

Umm.....yeah.

And just now I got a text asking if I wanted to get together this weekend to talk, so he could explain things better and make sure that we are "cool with each other". I wrote back and said, "ummm...sure. *can* you explain things better?", which may have been just a liiiiiiiitle snarky, but seriously.

I'm actually going to write him a longer email saying that if what he is planning to say is something like "I really like you, respect you, love you, even, and think you are an amazing person, but I'm not ready to be a stepfather/have so many kids/deal with your ex-h drama/commit to you since i want to move across the country and you can't b/c of your kids and ex. I think you are really great/amazing/kick-a and I'm sure you'll meet someone...I really hope we can still be friends" then he can save it. I've heard it all before, and while he is entitled to his feelings, I really don't need to hear it all again -- it may make him feel better, but it doesn't do a darn thing for me.

Grrr. Just grrr.

And seriously? What's with telling me he loves me *after* telling me he wants to date other people b/c he doesn't want to be committed to one woman? Uh...thanks. I sure do feel loved. <snark>

[sugarmoon]

And I'm sorry for the self-absorbed post -- i'll respond to everyone else's stuff when I have a little more time (and when i'm feeling a little less self-absorbed, honestly)

[Butterflymom]

Sugar!!!!!!!! email me your phone number, I want to talk to you.

[Butterflymom]

The TallKinkyGentleman is the older guy who still lives with his self-claimed STBXGF. They aren't intimate, and haven't been in years. NOT the mother of his 3 daughters.

You guys are right I should tell him to call me when he's single.

New Guy and I just hung out last night in a country halfway between mine and his. Sigh. OH. MY. GOD. why can I not find a single guy in my city to have romance like that with???

[Hollycrand]

Aside from sugarmoon's post, I haven't really had the time to read any of the other posts.
I have been pretty silent lately, just wanted to give a quick update.
Well, I am still going out with Swimming Guy, and while things have been hard lately because I am having a lot of issues with my ex, Swimming Guy is such a great guy. He has been wearing my snowboarding boots to stretch them out (we are the same shoe size). He stayed up until 2am one night while I soundly slept close by in order to finish writing down arguements to bring up to my lawyer.
This week I had the kids every single night, and almost every night he found an excuse to come over, play with the kids, and do my dishes.
We do talk a lot about long-term plans, but lately these have been on hold because I have been dealing with manipulation games with my ex.
I bought a book today called 'Self Esteem' which I hope will help me in making some goals in my life, and in picking me up on the days I'm feeling down.
SG usually does a pretty good job, but there are days when it's just really strong and the tears fall. I also recently found out that I have an extreme shortage of magnesium, so am taking supplements for that, which has made quite a big difference the past few days. Exercise too has helped.
I guess only time will tell what will happen between the two of us. We are both big time communicators, and are honest with each other, which I feel is great. SG has none of the drama that my ex had.
I suppose that is my update.
I look forward to reading the other updates!

[Holland73]

Sugarmoon... !

So sorry to hear that you and ATG have hit a rough patch.

Hope you are able to chat with him soon and have more clarity on the situation.