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It's time for "snarky answers to stupid questions!"

post #1 of 45
Thread Starter 
Gah...talking to extended family about having a baby.
They talk to me as though I'm stupid and can't learn anything on my own (hello! I have an advanced degree and do research for a living! and I've been helping to raise a stepdaughter since she was 2, which, no does not give me pregnancy or newborn experience but I can size kids' shoes, OK?), and as though the answers I give them ("no, we're not circumcising," "If he's gay, he's gay") just never occurred to them as a possibility. I can't snark back at them (too much), so I am posting my wished-for answers here.

"What will you do if your son turns out gay?"
"Um...throw him a coming out party? Hope Wisconsin gets its head out of its butt by the time he's old enough and wants to get married? Now, if he decides to live a left-handed lifestyle..."

"You know, he's going to be made fun of and get VD if you don't get him circumcised. Does that change your mind?"
"No, he'll be made fun of because he'll inherit my and my husband's need for glasses, braces, and lack of athletic ability, and he won't get VD because nobody's used that term in decades."

"He'll be born in July. Are you going to hold him back and put him into kindergarten at 6? He'll be better at sports."
"Holding him back until he's 19 probably won't do a darn thing for sports (see last answers). As for holding him back for other reasons, maybe I should wait to see whether those other reasons exist. Maybe he'll be ready for college at 6."

"Wow, you guys got off to a quick start! He's a honeymoon baby!"
"Actually, I'm not sure my husband is the father--could be a bachelorette party baby as well. He looked like he had my husband's forehead on the ultrasound, though, so there's hope."


So...what stupid questions and comments have you gotten?
post #2 of 45
ROFL.
My favs are the "VD" and holding him back comments. I've had little success holding in my snarkiness particularly at work because I work with some folks that think because they were married to someone while they had
a chile they are now an obstetrician. I am thankful half of our family is in Japan so in the small amount of time we talk or spend time together they don't make it to those questions and the other side of the family is just so self absorbed they barely managed to ask about names or due dates. Again, probably for the best due to my inability to conceal snarkiness right now.
post #3 of 45
I haven't gotten any of those dumb questions! I think it's because I am 6' tall. Kidding of course...I did have one friend say, "you weren't TRYING were you?" But she is snarky herself and hates children...so it was to be expected, and she was just messing with me.

With my dd people constantly asked if I was going to pierce her ears. I would always say, "nope, we are doing her nose first" and that would shut them up.

I really don't understand why people would ask any of those questions...like the gay one, that is the dumbest question ever!

Are we supposed to be making kindergarten decisions now? So lame.
post #4 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtsyHeartsy View Post
Are we supposed to be making kindergarten decisions now? So lame.
I actually had a realization with this one...it occurred to me that the decision will be mine and my husband's rather than the school district's!

My stepdaughter has an early September birthday in a state with a Sept. 1 cut-off. By the time she was 4, she could count to 100, was nearly reading (had many sight words and asked me what "MOOT" (mute) meant on the TV remote), could eat, dress, and toilet independently, and was used to spending the day away from parents, etc. Her for-profit preschool/daycare said "we'd be happy to keep her, but she'll be bored off her rocker" and recommended her for early entrance to kindergarten.

She was tested for early entrance...and "failed." Why? Because she was deemed "too shy"--this outgoing, happy child got "slightly clingy" to her mom when faced with a big room full of strangers. (By this metric, most of my friends are not ready for kindergarten.) Her mom appealed the test--enlisted the preschool teacher and a child psychologist friend of hers--and finally, the district decided to give it a try.

Well...lo and behold, she's in second grade now and you wouldn't know she was "too young." (The ironic thing? Her birth was a scheduled C section. If it had been scheduled a few weeks earlier or there had been a pre-term birth, the school district would have HAD to take her no matter what her development, even if she had some prematurity-related delays.)

With a July baby, if he's ready to go at 5, he'll be enrolled (and we're not in a big "redshirt" area, so we won't be keeping him back just so he won't be among the younger kids in the class), and if he's not, we won't. Our decision, not some bureaucrat's. Yay!

(Spinning my wheels...fun times.)
post #5 of 45
Luckily for us, DH's siblings broke in his parents and their potentially annoying questions. We're the last ones in his family to be cranking out kids, so they've pretty much heard & seen everything!

My parents are honestly too sweet to deserve much snark, even though I feel like it sometimes.

Hmmm...and my friends & workplace are all pretty much on the liberal/open/AP side, so no snark there. The only question I'm getting sick of is people asking if we'll find out the gender, and then praising us over-the-top when I say we're not going to. It's a strange compulsion people have, don't know where it comes from.

But I LOVE reading other people's snark!
post #6 of 45
funny questions and awesome answers, ladies!!!
post #7 of 45
Also loving the snark!
All I've had is,
FIL: 'Wow you've put on weight!'
Me: I'm pregnant. What's your excuse?
post #8 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtsyHeartsy View Post
With my dd people constantly asked if I was going to pierce her ears. I would always say, "nope, we are doing her nose first" and that would shut them up.

And about making decisions for kindergarden now - duh! How about you'll see what your child is like when they get here and what the circumstances are. I am a huge researcher, very organized etc. but one of the most difficult things I learned when becoming a parent for the first time is that YOU HAVE TO LET ALL THAT GO.... things don't necessarily happen to plan, you have to give up some of that control, things happen. Things happen. My firstborn is very strongly determined to have a say in what happens, my secondborn is go-with-the-flow. Those two respond to "okay this is what we're gonna do" very differently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by welsh View Post
Also loving the snark!
All I've had is,
FIL: 'Wow you've put on weight!'
Me: I'm pregnant. What's your excuse?


***************************

Okay I have a ridiculous one for you. I'm sad to say it was my own father. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my parents one night, visiting for a brief time, and we were talking about this pregnancy. My dad got on to some article he read in a magazine about the athlete, a woman who won a race, they tested her and there was some question about whether she was a hermaphodite or really male or something. Then my dad gets into this big explanation and asks, "Have you ever had the girls tested?" "Uh no dad, there's been no reason to. There is no evidence to suggest this is an issue with our children."

Where the hell did that come from???????

For the record, if we had hermaphraditic children or gay children, it would not change our love and respect for them in the least!

post #9 of 45
Laughing my butt off! I get the following questions often, & throughout ALL of my pregnancies.

Them: Do you know what you're having?
Me: A baby. *smiling*
Them: (dumbfounded look, *blink, blink*) Well I ment are you finding out if you're having a boy or a girl?
Me: Yes we are, on their birth day. *still sweetly smiling*
Them: Uhh, ok. (changes subject usually)

Them: Do you need "X unnecessary/unwanted (by me) baby item" &/or Formula X?
Me: (grateful, graceful non snarky) Thanks, but we are good.
Them: But when So-and-so had their baby, they couldn't live/function without X item/Formula X ! (pestering to get me to take X item/formula X continues in various ways)
Me: (continuing to be kind) Really, we are good, no thanks.(explaining breastfeeding/no need for items) Perhaps these items we like/need instead?...
Them: Yeah, but you NEED TO HAVE X item/formula X. (raving on & on)
Me: (fed up & feeling the snark) Would you like to buy some Amway/have these extra Watchtowers/used only once phallic shaped adult toy?
post #10 of 45
Thread Starter 
My husband (and tact) will not let me respond to "he should be circumcised so he looks like Daddy" with "OK, how do you propose we scar up his forehead so he can look like Daddy that way too?" (Car accident a decade ago.)

So I stick with "I don't think he or I ever mentioned to you whether he is circumcised or not." (Obviously that won't work on his immediate family, who presumably know, but they have not asked. It's just my Jewish relatives who seem to think this is any of their business.) Or, maybe, "Great! I'll start knitting a little goatee for him to wear until he can grow his own facial hair!"
post #11 of 45
I had one the other day. Not snarky, just odd. A woman said to me "your baby looks healthy". Um, ok. And you know this, how? I just thought that was a really strange thing to say. I am sure she thought she was being sweet and wasn't intending to offend me, (and she didn't), but it was definitely a wierd moment.
post #12 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeannineb View Post
I had one the other day. Not snarky, just odd. A woman said to me "your baby looks healthy". Um, ok. And you know this, how? I just thought that was a really strange thing to say. I am sure she thought she was being sweet and wasn't intending to offend me, (and she didn't), but it was definitely a wierd moment.
Did she mean your in-utero baby or your already-here one? (I can't tell her age from your sig.)
post #13 of 45


one of my favorites:

them: "congratulations! when are you due?"
me: "this summer!"
them: "but when is your due date?"
me: "july sometime!"
them: "what day though?"
me: "well.......(and then i launch into an in-depth and graphic explanation of the woman's reproductive cycle: menstruation, ovulation, conception, the growth of babies and how the due date is calculated and outdated, then a tirade about the U.S.'s c-sec rate partly due to "taking" babies too early as determined by a *very* flawed due-date system, ending with death statistics and other grim outcomes).......so then do you want to know my due date calculated by when i conceived/ovulated or by the outdated due-date calculation methods?"
them: "ummmmmmmm"

i used to be aghast about cultures that ignored pregnancy, cultures that mandated that pg women stay inside when they started to "show" etc., but now i can see the value and usefulness of these ideas. not that i want to be shut away! but the older i get, the more rude and uncouth i feel people are. pregnancy is a very intimate thing, and i now feel that anything beyond a heartfelt "congratulations!" is completely inappropriate. *you* don't need to know when i'm due, it's none of your business. so you can work out when i had sex with my husband???? geesh, get a freakin' life!
post #14 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias View Post
*you* don't need to know when i'm due, it's none of your business. so you can work out when i had sex with my husband???? geesh, get a freakin' life!



As my son is in all likelihood a wedding-night baby (though it could have been a week or so on either side, I kind of like the idea), I get this ALL THE TIME. I don't mind being asked the due date, but some people are downright invasive. Counting backwards on their fingers, "when did you get married again?" then realizing my pregnancy "started" before the wedding (even though those two weeks were the two weeks between menstruation and conception).

I've also been asked, with complete earnestness, whether we "had to" get married. Um, if I got pregnant on my wedding night, or even the week before, and you received the invitation two months before, what do you think?
post #15 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Did she mean your in-utero baby or your already-here one? (I can't tell her age from your sig.)
My in-utero baby! My dd is almost 6.
post #16 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
I've also been asked, with complete earnestness, whether we "had to" get married. Um, if I got pregnant on my wedding night, or even the week before, and you received the invitation two months before, what do you think?
On occassion I get, "was this planned?" because it's our third child and we live in a mainstream-ish city. None of your DANG business, but since you asked, yeah I like putting my legs behind my ears, THIS WAS PLANNED!

Or the other one is, "oh you have two girls, and this is a boy, so now you're done". Uhhh yeah but not for the reasons you think.

Buggers.
post #17 of 45
Dh and I had a molar pg a few years before we conceived our ds. We were (and still are) unmarried, but were very happy to be pregnant (until it was found out to be molar), and were (and still are) committed to each other forever. My grandma asked me when we were going to get married. I told her "I'm having his baby, isn't that enough? Do I have to marry him too?" Ok, not the nicest thing to say to a grandma, but she has more than got me back over the years with basically calling me a piggy when I was pg.

We had 3 cats and a dog when ds was born. A co-worker asked me what we were planning on doing with the cats when the baby came...huh?...getting rid of all of them of course. I didn't have a snarky answer for her, just said we weren't planning on doing anything with the cats. But it cracked me up when dh came by to pick me up from work one day and got into a conversation with her. He didn't know she was the one who asked about the cats and he started saying how somebody suggested we get rid of our cats when the baby comes and how insane that is lol....priceless.
post #18 of 45
As a surro I get totally different questions from my family and mil.


My backward aunts (uber rednecks). Are the worst! I get questions like

Q: Well you and dh want another baby, can't you just take one of these babies?"

A, "Yeah I should just take a baby that doesn't belong to me, after all its not like they can really handle two babies...and why would I want a child of my own when I could steal someone elses" seriously?

Q "Aren't you worried the babies will grow up gay, since the parents are gay"

A, "Yeah I am totally worried, cause only gay people have gay children right?"

Ill think of more later that we get.. I gotta lay down lol
post #19 of 45
Thread Starter 
Oh here's one from today.

"Hi, Grandma! Thanks for the pile of baby stuff. It was a pleasant surprise."* (Small talk.) "By the way, both my husband and I kept our birth names when we married, so you can address things just like you used to."

Grandma: "Oh, I figured you'd change your mind once you had children together."

("Yes Grandma, actually, we've both decided to change our names to something entirely new, but we're not sure whether we should be the Crapo-Butts family or the Lady-Gaga family.")

*(90% of it is getting returned--I'm pretty sure we won't need newborn sized heavy fuzzy winter sleepers for a July baby, but my grandmother seems to think Wisconsin is Antarctica--but that is irrelevant here.)
post #20 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Oh here's one from today.

"Hi, Grandma! Thanks for the pile of baby stuff. It was a pleasant surprise."* (Small talk.) "By the way, both my husband and I kept our birth names when we married, so you can address things just like you used to."

Grandma: "Oh, I figured you'd change your mind once you had children together."

("Yes Grandma, actually, we've both decided to change our names to something entirely new, but we're not sure whether we should be the Crapo-Butts family or the Lady-Gaga family.")

*(90% of it is getting returned--I'm pretty sure we won't need newborn sized heavy fuzzy winter sleepers for a July baby, but my grandmother seems to think Wisconsin is Antarctica--but that is irrelevant here.)
Buawahaha! I am from WI (Oconomowoc). And when my summer baby was born 11 years ago, all of my family was constantly yelling at me to cover the baby up, I was like.. its 100 degrees are you kidding me. Its a WI thing, like a healthy baby to them is a baby that is beat red and sweating bullets lol. I feel ya!
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