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Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad  when it's crying over wants then maybe I'll be more inclined to let him cry. But we're still dealing with *needs* ...
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Ahhh, but wants are just needs in tangible clothing. I'm not picking on you, I know you're not pro-CIO! But many Babywise followers might say: "I know what my baby needs better than her, she just THINKS she needs XYZ," Or, "I meet her needs, The rest is just manipulative, and I don't want to spoil her."
It's always about a need deep down, and the sooner we learn to decipher each others' needs, including our own, the sooner we can solve problems and stop tears. If all you do is ignore the tears, you just say to someone A)"My needs are more valid than your needs." or B) "You do not know what you need, I know better than you what you need." Either message is detrimental to the process of trust building and breaks
down communication between both parties.
This is not to say people, even small children, don't sometimes need to cry to make sense of their own needs, to get through the wants to the needs, but I have yet to see anyone who is better off left to cry
alone. As a grown up I'd always rather be crying in someone's arms than on my own, and unfortunately that might mean someone (my mom, my friend, my partner) will have to forego their need for sleep or peace and quiet...That's what loving people do. However, we are sadly conditioned to deal, suck it up, manage on our own in western society, and I feel that is one of the things that contributes to the high levels of dysfunctionality we see lately, and why we are encouraged to push our children away. If we learn to determine the needs from their wants, we will be forced to recognize our needs through our wants, and that can be a terrifying experience, especially when we realize that most of our needs are not being met by the things we think WE want.
I have studied quite a lot about non-violent communication, but this is a topic that makes me violently communcative. I have a hard time keeping my cool. At the end of the day, your child's needs are more important and it is YOUR job as a parent to give voice to those needs. Mirrormonkey, it is sadly your friend who will pay in the end, not you. Sounds like your ds is doing great so far.
