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WWYD? Excluding a DC from playgroup? - Page 2

post #21 of 79
This is obviously a heated topic, and emotions are running high. Please keep your responses within the User Agreement. Thanks!
post #22 of 79
It seems to me that the first step might be to ask the mother if she has ideas for outings that might be more fun for her DD.
post #23 of 79
Not directed at any person or post directly in this thread but an overall observation here. I love how we've become so tolerant as a society until it inconveniences us. It sounds like the child has an issue or two, but you know what? That doesn't mean that it's insurmountable OR that no other child will end up with their own issues. Keep kicking kids out of the playgroup when they're going through a bad stage and want to guess how many kids will be there by age 5?

DD reacted that way to loud noises, and yeah, she was a pukey kid. The entire cause of her behaviour was an undiagnosed milk allergy. That's it. And I would have SO appreciated it if someone had suggested that could be causing her hypersensitive hearing! If nothing else, we would have had a clue sooner and she wouldn't have gone on like that until she was 5. I have to agree with some of the others, this isn't a playgroup I'd be comfortable continuing to be involved with.
post #24 of 79
Originally Posted by newbymom05 View Post
I think it's great that you want to include everyone, and in a perfect world, I'd be saying rock on. But for me personally, my once a week playdate is a big thing. It requires effort and planning on my part and sometimes money, and I need to feel that my child and I have a good time to make it worth it. If one person was consistently making it unpleasant, either they would leave or I would. In the OP's case, the rest of the group has made the decision for her, despite her sympathetic input. Playgroups are just that--they're a group of like-minded individuals that meet for play and social interaction, not some kind of lifetime commitment.

But seriously, I get what you're saying and think you're coming from a heart-felt place, it's just that in a 2 y/o playgroup, for me personally I would have to put my own sanity ahead of someone else.
If it were making me personally insane, sure. I'd agree with you. But if it were just on the indoor bits of the zoo at outings, ehn. It wouldn't drive me nuts. Or I'd just stay a bit longer to decompress after.

I see playgroups as kind of inherently annoying in a way. The kids fight over toys; sand gets in the stroller, whatever. For me they were about being in a group learning to cope with being a parent and helping my child to cope with being a child. In a very - gritty way, I guess. Not that mine were insane, but for sure there were kids you wondered about. Most of them grew out of whatever it was.

Not to get too Jean Vanier on the thread but I really truly believe that people who have differences (and I'm not clear where this child is on that spectrum) bring out our own challenges.

I pretty much think learning to cope with the screaming vomiting child and just be there with that family in that moment is a gift to me so that I can confront my own 'stuff' in accepting those things. I mean if we were talking about a malicious relative or something, that would be different. But we're talking about an innocent child and a parent trying to socialize.
post #25 of 79
As the weird kid and now the weird adult with a weird kid, please talk with this mother. Share your concerns with her, perhaps research sensory issues and give her copies are bring it up with her. Please don't just exclude her without giving her a reason. How can this mother help her child if she has no idea what the issues are or how to deal with them. Chances are the mother already knows the child is "difficult" but may or may not know how to "fix" her child.
post #26 of 79
I'm confused - does the group not want to invite her to anything anymore - both in home playdates and trips? Or just the trips? Who is going to tell her and how? Because finding out that all my friends took a trip to the zoo without me and my kid would feel really hurtful....Also how does the mom handle the child when she has these screaming fits and vomiting episodes? That would be a big factor for me as well.
post #27 of 79
WOW! I can't believe these women. Excluding a pukey two year old? I could understand if the child were violent AND the mother didn't do anything about it. Ya know what? Some kids are different. People need to get over it and accept that the world isn't made up of cookie cutter gingerbread children.
post #28 of 79
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

Could someone nicely tell the mom that the screaming scares the other kids and maybe if her dd gets overstimulated and has trouble, could she take her outside until the trouble passes so the other kids don't end up getting overstimulated as well from the screaming? Something like that. It seems like "kids starts screaming sometimes" can be handled differently.
Honestly, this sounds like the right suggestion to me. Like if my kid acts up in public I take him outside 'till he can get it togeather. Maybe she thinks that it's ok because it's a kids group and everyone understands. I'd tell her.
It's better she be told than having her feel snubbed by what she calls friends wandering what she did wrong or what rumors were spread.
post #29 of 79
I don't think you should neccasarily exclude her/them, if the moms willing to work with her dd and try and keep the screaming to a minimum. But really, if her dd is screaming and puking on every.single.outting and at every.single.playgroup for weeks or months on end? Then, hows that fun for anyone? Playgroups are supposed to be fun for *everyone* not just a support group for one family whose kids are having issues!!

I goto two different playgroups 2x a week, almost every week. But we've been known to stay home if DS1's just acting crazy and upset about every little thing. I've been known to take him outside or otherwise away from the group if he starts acting crazy. I assume thats standard behavior... if this moms not doing that, if she's assuming that cause' its a playgroup and all toddlers tantrum *some* times, then its OK for her dd to freak out at every single one? THAT I'd have an issue with.

Tolerance and understanding is one thing. Allowing one family to ruin everyones trip every single week? Thats a whole nother ball game. Especially when your going places like the zoo that cost money!!
post #30 of 79
Yikes.........I feel bad for that mom and her DD. Forgive my baby brain, do they want her excluded from the group entirely or just from outings? I would also question whether I wanted to spend time with this group of women. What kind of message are they sending? If someone is different then you, requires some extra help, has special needs, is high needs, etc they should be excluded from the group. How about some empathy or trying to help this mom out? I would think she probably needs the support of a good group of friends more then ever, rather then being ostracized. I'm an emotional preggo right now and that actually kind of makes me sad. I can see the point of not really enjoying the outings (and wanting to do so) but surely some type of happy medium can be reached? Could they suggest that she not attend the outings where her DD is like to get overstimulated (as I can see how this wouldn't be fun for anyone involved......the group or the mom and her DD). Tough situation..........good luck OP.
post #31 of 79
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone who responded. I'm not going to stop joining the other moms because truthfully, I enjoy our time together and DD really loves it. It took me a long time to find some other moms to interact with in person.

But I did decide to call the mom myself. The other moms were just planning to exclude her from our emails. First, I discussed some TV shows we both like and then I asked her how she and her DD were enjoying the meet ups. I was very gentle but honest with her. I told her the other moms were concerned her daughter was not enjoying the meet ups and they worry her daughter not having fun is effecting the other kids ability to enjoy themselves. She actually opened up to me a bit so I am glad I called. This is kind of long so sorry in advance.

Her daughter had surgery for something called hydrocephelus a little over a year ago. She said her daughter was fine at first but is now in speech therapy and having a lot of issues. She told me she covers her ears and screams at the slightest noise, vomits often and is often sick. She said outings are difficult for them both.

She's nervous about having her evaluated because she thinks her daughter may be autistic. Frankly, I'm surprised her pediatrician isn't requesting this. Anyway, I told her we can still do something on our own with our kids that her DD may enjoy more. She told me she appreciated the call and would have been more hurt if no one bothered to say anything to her. I feel bad for what she's going through with her daughter.
post #32 of 79
gbailey, I think it's a beautiful thing that you reached out to this mama. I'm sure you made a big difference just by being willing to talk to her and not just cut her off.
post #33 of 79
I have to say I'm glad you had the courtesy to call her and speak with her directly......it was nice of you to reach out to her. I have to say I find it very sad the other mom's were just going to exclude her from the emails and not have the courtesy of explaining it to her.
post #34 of 79
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post
She's nervous about having her evaluated because she thinks her daughter may be autistic. Frankly, I'm surprised her pediatrician isn't requesting this. Anyway, I told her we can still do something on our own with our kids that her DD may enjoy more. She told me she appreciated the call and would have been more hurt if no one bothered to say anything to her. I feel bad for what she's going through with her daughter.
I think you handled it GREAT!

Early intervention makes a difference. There's no way of knowing what her DD will be like in a year or 5 or 10. The mom might really enjoy reading something by Temple Grandin, who has high functioning autism and has written several books. I'm reading "The Way I See It" right now and it's really super.
post #35 of 79
[QUOTE=mamazee;15165239]parents whose kids aren't high needs see "bad kid" and just really don't get it.QUOTE]


Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
yeah, moms like me with a sn kid should stay home so everyone else can have fun. -- What to do about the playgroup isn't anything I have experience with. I'm the mother of the wierd kid.
Me too.

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
Seems to me that the group is sort of jumping to conclusions. Has anyone tried discussing things with the other mother? Something along the lines of "Little Suzy seemed really upset at the zoo outing. Do you think she might be overwelmed by this type of outing?" Maybe the other mother would welcome a chance to talk about the situation. Or maybe you could help her see that this might not be entirely typical toddler behavior and suggest a quick check with the pediatrician or something.
That and/or suggesting different sorts of playdates that might be less stimulating for the child. Perhaps playing at one another's houses might be less intimidating than an outing to the zoo etc.
post #36 of 79
Well done, OP.
post #37 of 79
oh that poor mama. how hard it must be for her. i am so glad you spoke to her. it makes me sad that so many wanted to just leave her out. i can't imagine how hard it must be for her and then to have a group of "friends" just leave you in the dust. wow.

post #38 of 79
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
Tantrums and reflux? I'd call that within the realm of normal for a 20-month-old.
:Yeah It certainly discribes our 20 month old.
post #39 of 79
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
If your playgroup is 2 year olds I can pretty much guarantee that if you are still meeting by the time the kids are 5, every child will have demonstrated some kind of behaviour that is ban-worthy by then at least once.
No kidding!

OP, I think it's a great idea to do something more low-key with her!
post #40 of 79
OP, you did a good thing.

I'm really saddened by some of the responses on this thread.
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