WWYD? Excluding a DC from playgroup? - Page 4

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Redifer

gbailey, I think it's very admirable the way you handled the situation.

As someone who doesn't get their feathers ruffled very easily, I find it hard to understand how simple occurences can "ruin someone's day". Not saying it doesn't happen. Just that there are always obstacles in every "good" thing, and I'm a very "shrug it off" person.

Likewise, I find it hard to understand the other mothers' very quick jump to exclusion. What better way to begin teaching empathy into our children than by continuing friendships and acquaintances with people who may have a much "rougher" run in life. The situations described could easily be turned into an experience in patience, tolerance, acceptance, and empathy for others. I'm somewhat saddened by that.

Likewise, in response to your latest post... I think I may have something to offer to ease your mind. I come off as a very friendly, open person. But there are certain things that I'm very, very private about. Not neccessarily out of shame, but because often, I feel that it's unfair for me to lay my (sometimes extensive) problems out at someone else's feet. So there are many times that I will "brush something off" in front of what I consider friends. That doesn't mean I'm shrugging off my responsibilities behind closed doors, but that I don't feel comfortable discussing my struggles at that present time. I, too, have done the "oh, blah blah blah" and made light of a situation, not because I didn't take it seriously, but because at that point I just don't feel comfortable talking about it, even in small amounts.

In any case, you're awesome. Just thought you should know. Everyone needs to hear that sometimes.

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that today

[kis95]

Originally Posted by NightOwlwithowlet 

This is a hard topic for me to respond to because I was the mom of the kid kicked out of the play group. My son was not really talking around other people, he liked other kids, but didn't really interact when he was two. He wasn't aggressive, didn't scream, and mostly communicated with body language, gestures and grunts. We were excluded from the play group because and the exact quote is etched in my brain "He's just not like the other kids, sorry."

Despite that I found another play group, he's almost eight and half the kids coming to his birthday party are from that play group. They were his first typical peer group and they dragged him into their world. He learned to play and talk from them. The moms are some of my son's biggest cheer leaders and supporters. They showed me all the ways my son was like their kids, not how he was different. I can't quote what they say about my son, but they are all good and all supportive.

OP- you did a wonderful and kind thing.

I haven't finished reading all of the responses to this thread yet, but this one post particularly struck me. I have never joined a 'mommy group' or anything like that, but I've been on a few outings, usually with my SIL. I have a 6-year-old daughter, and a 5-year-old and a 4-year old son. Our two boys were diagnosed with autism just in the past year. Our youngest is speech delayed (was almost non-verbal until less than a year ago). Our other son has a number of anxieties and social delays, along with some of the 'weird' behaviours that can go along with autism. They don't always act "...just like other kids", and when they're not, I can generally pick up on how uncomfortable and/or confusing their actions can be to those who don't know. I would like to assume that my SIL only asks us on outings once a year or so because she is busy. It has to be the reason since our children are virtually the same age, they're cousins, and we live within a ten-minute drive of each other. Right?

On behalf of the mother with the 2-year-old who vomits and covers her ears, thank you for reaching out. I would be amazingly HURT if I were left out of a playgroup because of how my children did or did not behave. Of course I understand if a child is simply misbehaving out of choice (for lack of a better word), or if they're acting like a 'typical' toddler. Whenever one of my guys is having a meltdown, I try my best to remove them from the situation - for their sake as well as the people who have to listen. Once the tantrum/meltdown/whatever is over, we try again. I do my best to work with my children and their challenges, and I also try to be considerate of others. I don't want to listen to a kid freak out, and I know others don't want to either. Regardless, tantrums happen at playgroups, SN or not. If other parents find the behaviour of my children annoying or unsettling, then I probably don't want to hang out with them. I want to expose all of my children to tolerance and acceptance, not junior high, 'mean-girl' behaviour.

OP, thank you again for being so kind. Nightowl, I'm sorry that happened to you and your son. I'm so glad you found somewhere welcoming!

[beenmum]

 Oh God, this brings back so many memories.

THIS is why us parents of special needs kids feel so darned alone and ashamed.

I think excluding a mother who is valieantly trying to give her SN child a typical life and typical expereinces is asinine.

Intolerance of SN kids is growing lately. The entire world has a "Its not MY kid, why the heck should I be put out, bothered or inconvienced for a child that isnt mine?"

Right up until THAT persons child develops something atypical....and then she will be next on the chopping block.

Any kid could have a brain injury, a stroke, a near drowning, a spetic infection that limits their abilities. No ones child is immune to these things..

Edited by beenmum - 4/3/11 at 8:04am

[beenmum]

OP. You handled things wonderfully. Thank you so much for that.

[Lisa1970]

Thing is, so many people talk about diversity or wanting to teach their children tolerance and to be giving, especially on these boards. But then as soon as there is a disabled child, they run. It seems if they are raising money for women in 3rd world countries (who knows if it actually goes to anything) is something someone likes to do, or spending an hour sorting clothes at a shelter, but as soon as they have to actually spend time with someone different than them, or expose their children to someone different, which is where the real diversity comes in, they run. 

I am the mom of a "weird kid" too. I have grown to just accept that no one wants him around. It is sad and pitiful. Places that seek out different religions or skin colors just to find "diversity", but cannot tolerate a child with any sort of special needs. Just sad.
 

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by betsyj

A toddler who is screaming and vomiting regularly is not a normal set of behaviors. Include this Mom in other outings but there is no way I think it is right that everyone else has to have a crappy time just to be inclusive.

yeah, moms like me with a sn kid should stay home so everyone else can have fun.

One time, my sister looked at my DD and said, "I wish you were different than you are. It would be so much more fun for the rest of us."

My advice, kindly talk to the mother of the child having problems and suggest an evaluation. Be very sweet, hopefully you'll never know the heart break. Stay her friend.

What to do about the playgroup isn't anything I have experience with. I'm the mother of the wierd kid.

[happyhippie]

I am appalled by the selfishness and the eagerness to discriminate from some of the previous posters.

I applaud you original poster, for opening your heart to this other mama. No doubt, she realizes her little one is making a scene. In fact, my heart breaks for her, because mother's of children with high needs, gravely need support and community.  Honestly, all we have in this crazy world is the love we get and can give. I think the best thing you could do is set an example to the other moms and your child by making sure this mother and her child are not pushed out. That they are loved. If the others don't like it, then I would get new friends. There is a lot of 2 year olds in the world, and a lot of moms too that are aching for some friends. This is that moment where you can "be the change..." Because I really do think this small act of love is a big deal. 

 

Good luck original poster. I have been there, and I am sure someday I will be the mom with the kid who is making a scene. 

[happyhippie]

I totally agree with the previous posters. You are awesome mama! So happy to see some rational responses. My heart breaks for all of you who have experienced this sort of discrimination. 

 to you all. 

[ElsieLC]

OP--I really like what you have said to your mom friend!

It seems like there are two issues in the original question:

1. When is it right to exclude someone from a playgroup

and

2. What do you do when you see another mom under-reacting to worrisome behavior?  When a kid exhibits disturbing symptoms/behavior, and the mom shrugs it off as "quirky"?

I think it feels different if the mom knows what's going on, saying, "My kid has Condition X and we do A, B, and C to make things better for her." Then I can ask questions and help out and feel like a friend.

I find it very hard to be with a mom who seems unaware of how different her kid's issues are. I feel "on guard" all the time, that I am always trying to not talk about certain things.

[EviesMom]

OP, I'm curious how things are now. I have a friend with a child who had neurosurgery for hydrocephalus 6 months ago, sounds similar, but she is supposed to call the neurologist and the hospital/rehab immediately if her son vomits at all. Literally, she's called when everyone else in the house was vomiting with a stomach bug and then her son vomited too. She had to call, they had to do an MRI and make sure it wasn't a life threatening issue. And then they could conclude that it was the same stomach bug the rest of the family had and to go on with their lives. But he had to do the MRI first, because if it had been pressure inside his brain again, it could have killed him. That's my understanding of it anyway. I too would worry that this mother doesn't seem to be doing enough if the child vomits all the time and is sound sensitive. I might ask, nicely, but ask, "Does her neurologist know that she vomits all the time? Were they able to give you some reasoning behind why it happens?" If it's all been analyzed and looked at by doctors, and they've cleared it as okay behavior and not medically worrisome, I'd have a much easier time getting together with the mother and child. 

I do understand the special needs issue, having SN kids in my extended family. However, I think there's a balance. You don't want to cut out an outlet that the child and mother really need, but you want to give each child their own space too. I actually find outgoing/loud/vocal people (my ADHD brother; his autistic best friend as a child) to be exhausting. I didn't mind taking them all sorts of places, when I could drive and they couldn't, but I would burn out on dealing with their comments and behavior before too long. It's not that it was bad behavior per se, they thought it was great fun, but I have sensory issues of my own and need a fair amount of quiet and calm per day. I was very very grateful to also have some times that I didn't have to take along my SN younger brother, or my NT younger brother either for that matter, and could just be myself, have quiet spaces, or be with my friends. My brother's an adult, and I still don't think I've ever seen him still nor quiet, even when he's asleep. 

[~Boudicca~]

WOW how did this thread get dug back up but I am glad it did!

I am the mom of the Weird Kid as well.  I have been lucky enough to have a little homeschool/mom's group that supported me through 2 years of hell with my SPD/speech issue kid.  As a matter of fact, when I was at my breaking point, sick of dealing with the hair-raising emotional roller coaster that was Let's Get the Kids Together on Thursday, 2 kind moms shared their experiences dealing with kids like mine and pointed me in the right direction for help with her special needs.  I feel very grateful for their presence in our lives.  I cannot imagine what it would have been like had they dropped us because of my daughter's long list of physical and emotional difficulties.  It's an uncomfortable place to be without the judgment and intolerance of others.

OP, how did things turn out with the mom and her LO? Are you still in contact with her?

[mattemma04]

If the child did this at every outing I doubt I would want to go.It doesn't sound like fun to have a screaming/puking kid around. If we came across this type of child in a public place I would leave with my kids.

[mamaofthree]

so the mom should be sequestered in her home indefinitely? that doesn't seem right. how can she ever help her dd learn to be out in the world if she has to stay home all the time for fear of people not liking having to deal with a kid who has some issues? how about showing some loving kindness and openness and helping her out instead of running away? it seems the lesson that the other kids are being taught is that being different is wrong.

h

[Just1More]

I don't think people have to go to extremes either way.  There is usually more than one side to a story, and in this case, there are five moms, each with their own experiences/backgrounds/problems/needs/etc.  You can't just say, "Well, x should act like THIS."  Because maybe x can't.  The mom of the sick little girl is dealing with her own things, and just maybe, the moms who don't want to invite the little girl are, too.  You can't know that they are being catty.  You can't know what they are feeling.

Yes, I think the mom needs some support, but no, I don't think the other moms have to give it in THIS way.  Sure, they should reach out to her, but to continue going on doing what they've been doing doesn't seem to be the solution.  I find I can be much more supportive/helpful/long-suffering if the other person is being honest and open.  I don't know how long I could continue a friendship with someone who was in denial about her child's needs, to the detriment of the child.  That's not okay either.  Maybe the mama needs a wake up call.  Maybe she needs other people to say, "You need to fix this." 

And it isn't true that other kids don't "pick this stuff" up. Mine have, and it has been incredibly hard to deal with.  I am careful what we do and who we do it with.  My children have to come first.  No, we don't run from SN, but I don't let my kids be stressed/confused/etc just for the good of someone else.  That isn't my job.  If I am able to help someone else, then I need to do it on my time, not my child's. 

There are almost always ways to balance things, and to compromise on what everyone's needs are.  To say that because someone needs help doesn't negate that I have needs, too. 

So, OP, I think you handled this very, very well, and I hope that you are able to help that Mama see that her little girl needs something.  She is not okay.

[beenmum]

 We have had people cover their kids eyes when my daughter had her feeding tube in.B/c it may somehow become contagious to be around my kid. God that hurt so much.

I had someone ask me why I took IT out in public.

I was told that there were insturtions for kids like mine. That other people shouldnt have to see my kid.

We were asked why we just ddidnt let her die.

We had family refuse pictures of her.

Recently when a child asked why my daughter had a white cane and leg braces.....the mother said it was b/c she was "retarded" and "lets go play over here"

[happyhippie]

beenmum 

I cannot imagine. I am sorry you and your daughter have experienced such inhumanity. 

[Just1More]

I am sorry people have been so awful to you and your family.  I hope you didn't take my post to mean I condone that kind of thing.  I absolutely do not.  Meanness is mean, and it's never okay. 

Originally Posted by beenmum 

 We have had people cover their kids eyes when my daughter had her feeding tube in.B/c it may somehow become contagious to be around my kid. God that hurt so much.

I had someone ask me why I took IT out in public.

I was told that there were insturtions for kids like mine. That other people shouldnt have to see my kid.

We were asked why we just ddidnt let her die.

We had family refuse pictures of her.

Recently when a child asked why my daughter had a white cane and leg braces.....the mother said it was b/c she was "retarded" and "lets go play over here"

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by beenmum 

 We have had people cover their kids eyes when my daughter had her feeding tube in.B/c it may somehow become contagious to be around my kid. God that hurt so much.

I had someone ask me why I took IT out in public.

I was told that there were insturtions for kids like mine. That other people shouldnt have to see my kid.

We were asked why we just ddidnt let her die.

We had family refuse pictures of her.

Recently when a child asked why my daughter had a white cane and leg braces.....the mother said it was b/c she was "retarded" and "lets go play over here"

wow. I just don't know what to say to those kinds of comments. I'm so very sorry you and your family had to hear such vile things.

[beenmum]

 Thank you.

It amazing what people think they have the right to do and say to a child.

I had a PSW who had never seen my child before take the white cane out of my daughters hand and yell at her "Why do you have a blinds mans stick. You're not blind!"

My poor kid just stared up at her with a smile on her face and sid "Thats my cane" proudly.

I wanted to beat the women with it honestly. But I refrained.

[LROM]

First off OP, you're a rockstar for the gracious, open way you've been concerned about this mom and her little girl and tried to make sure they were still included.  You are awesome!

I think you said in another post that you are worried about how much to say/make concerned inquiries to the mom because you had another mom misinterpret your questions recently and it upset her and you, and you don't want that to happen here.  I totally understand that concern.

Have you asked this mom what the doc who has been seeing her daughter since the surgery says about her symptoms?  I wonder if some balance of asking that question plus saying (again) that a lot of conditions, the earlier they are identified and treated, the more likely it is there can be great improvement, wonder if that is worth saying to her a little bit more?

I know it's a fine line, but my heart is just dying for that poor little girl.  I know almost nothing about hydrocephalus, but I do know that if not monitored or followed consistently, it can be an issue well into adulthood.  Her symptoms could be signs that the problem is not totally gone or has come back or who knows what, but it just kills me that her mom is so in denial she may well be letting her daughter suffer irreparable harm.

You're a great friend that you have gone out of your way to try to help this little girl stay social.  It's kinda mindblowing how adults (the girl's mom and the other moms in your playgroup) will go to such lengths not to discuss something so obvious and so concerning. Not that it's the other moms' business what is going on with her child medically, but obviously it's going to affect how others feel about being with you and I'd want others to understand what my daughter was dealing with, at least a little of it.

Anyway, that's not what's most important... what's most important is that you're being incredibly supportive and I hope there's a way for you to gently keep asking questions that are curious but also helping your friend to see you're there for her and you are willing to be a sounding board as she looks into what is going on with her daughter.

ETA: Oh, just realized this is an old thread!  Yeah, OP, what ended up happening?