Feeling inadequate as a SAHM with the twins

[CalaRei]

The boys are 4 months old and I thought it would be getting easier

Lately I've been feeling outright inadequate. The house is a wreck. If hubby has underwear it's a miracle, and he basically lives out of the dryer tog et dressed in the morning. I might manage to make dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, the others we scavenge like animals or break down and order in. When I do make dinner, it's like this monumental effort to get it done and not end in unconsolable screaming - this generally takes about 3 hours, by the time everything is all said and done.

I can only work in a shower for myself like every 4 days.

The boys spend most of their time in those d****d bouncy seats. Tummy/play time is near non-existent, since after 4 minutes the wailing starts. They don't nap unless they're bounced constantly, either, so it's not like I can sneak in a nap when they do.

Nursing is still every 2 hours on the nose. Tycho cannot resettle himself to sleep, and Kepler's reflux is still going strong. Not to mention solids start soon, and I don't know when I'll be able to sit them down to feed them - I miss lunch myself more often than not. I run on about 4 hours of sleep every day.

Please tell me I'm not some freeloading failure. How can other people do this and have a clean home with you know, dishes to eat off of, or dinner to put on them?

[hergrace]

You are not some freeloading failure at all.

Originally Posted by CalaRei

How can other people do this and have a clean home with you know, dishes to eat off of, or dinner to put on them?

A) They have lots of help,
B) They have extremely easy babies,
or
C) They don't

4 month old twins are hard!!
I couldn't clean with one infant at that age. I don't know how anyone ever manages with two. With the triplets, I had 24/7 help and we still never got the house tidied up properly, let alone clean.

[~bookcase~]

i think what you are experiencing is being a mother of.........multiples

it is really hard for the first year and a bit. or maybe more???

but it will pass. get help if you can and try to relax with the rest of it...we ate junk for a year, the house will likely be a mess for years until one or more of my children decides they want it clean.lol. and we all pull pants out of the clean laundry baskets (one day they might make it to the drawers!?)

so, get the dirty undies out and whatever else your dh needs to look ok for work when you do a wash and try to stay on top of the essentials. if a few items lurk underneath for a few months you won't be the first to have been there. try to make they are dry though or you'll find mould eventually. how do i know that

teach dh to iron, eat beans on toast/ crackers and cheese/ dried fruit/ boil an egg and delay solids with your twinnies until they are reeeeally ready for it! 6 months is still too early for some little ones. they will likely have teeth, be sitting up and reaching out for food when they are seriously ready. babies can thrive on mama milk for months and months.

hope this puts a smile on your face. you deserve one

[karika]

DH did it all for us until I wanted to help more. I agree you are being too hard on yourself. Housework is not real. The babies are. Focus on them and your health, since you are their food supply. I highly recommend taking dairy in all forms out of your diet to help with the wailing and needing to bounce and reflux. It may take a few weeks of no casein to see the difference, but it will help. Eat more protein, nuts, seeds, dried fruit, fresh fruit, steamed veggies. I was more 'on my own' with dd2, and I didn't get to shower as often either, but I would get in the bath with her to take care of the most pressing issues and to rinse my breasts off. The male here did all the grocery shopping, all of the cleaning and most of the cooking for the first few months after birth, in addition to working full time. He took care of the older child for the most part too (his child). I was on babymoon with dd2. When she was 3 mo I began doing the laundry (washing it and drying it, he would still put it away) and the cooking (I like my cooking so much more). He still does all the cleaning, and did even when he worked 52 hrs a week. We don't bother with meals here often, we just eat when we are hungry, and graze all day on our healthy choices. I am now able to make GFCF cookies and muffins again and have since dd2 was around 10 mo. They will only be this small once. I am not sure about the sleep issue? I always sleep when my babies sleep, and we cosleep so I don't have to wake up to nurse but I have only had one baby at a time. I would find I got enough sleep, though it is very broken. If you are not getting at least a 4 hr block, this would contribute to feeling horrible for sure. Hopefully once you see a difference from the casein, they will sleep longer if they aren't in pain. Make sure you go to bed whenever they do, focus on breathing, eating (finger foods, raw, stuff hubby prepares for you and you reheat) , and sleeping only. Don't worry about anything else. If you go to sleep with them in the evening, and stay in bed the whole time they do, and sleep at any naps they have, you should get more sleep. Like 75% of your day will be involved in sleeping activities... also you could try to get an hour or 2 alone in the mornings if dh would let them feed on you then take them to another room with him, if they like that. I remember with dd1 I was such a nervous wreck and not getting enough sleep, so one day, her dad took her to living room just after she ate. I slept. He brought her in when she was hungry and put her to breast, then took her back out after she let go of the nipple (I rarely break mine off). I had 7 consecutive hours of sleep, with only the mild rousing when she came to feed 3 times. We are meant to live in tribe and us women to work together. I wish it were this way. the way it is set up now, the male has to pick up a lot of the other stuff so we can focus on the babies.

edit: I second the recommendation to delay solids until they are older. dd1 was 10mo and walking and talking before she ate solids, dd2 was 8 mo before she really ate any. http://kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html this article doesn't go far enough IMO, but it makes some good points

[Tigerchild]

Well, as a BTDT mama (My eldest was 17 months old when my twins were born), I'm going to give you a little tough love here.

You can either choose to be gentle with yourself and learn to roll with it...or you're going to get steamrollered flat and it's going to be very painful.

You are not going to be Martha Stewart (or even, perhaps, Roseanne) with young baby twins.

Having twins is (IMNSHO) a universal exercise in learning humility. You will need to learn how to accept and ask for help. You will learn that you will not and do not and never will control everything--even in your own house. You will learn that there is not enough time in the day and not enough limbs in your body to accomplish everything that you want to do (or even worse, think that you "should" do.)

I am not saying that it is easy to let go and roll with it. Believe me, I was steamrollered. Again and again and again because I'm both stubborn and a little stupid after popping all those brain cells. But eventually, I learned how to ask and receive help. I hired a housekeeper to come in every other week (I couldn't afford more than that). When my friends said "Let me know if you need anything", I asked one of them if they could coordinate 1 or 2 meals a week for me and emptied my email address book into an email. Or I asked if they could do some errands for me or play with the babies while I slept or to come hug me while they slept so I could cry or laugh or whatever. Even though I was (quite bluntly) an AP snob, I reached out to Those Mainstream People in the local mothers of twins program and cried on the phone to the first year group coordinator (I HATE crying. I HATE showing weakness. EVER. I HATE being vulnerable, it makes me want to snarl and vomit at the same time--don't recommend that though, you don't wanna inhale that.) and you know what? She hooked me up with BTDT mamas who told me that June Cleaver was a fraud and that life will not always be like it is right now, so let us support you as you learn to roll with it.

You just gave birth 16 weeks ago. I'm sorry, sweet mama, but that's not very long at all. It's going to be okay, but you need to also be gentle with yourself. Your babies don't need dinner on a plate right now. That's just you and DH. So you know what? He can pick that up on the way home unless you say otherwise. Time to get your church/friends/twins club mamas to get you stocked up on freezer meals. Eventually you'll even out. But you are in the very early stages right now. It's no failing if you wouldn't fit in to a 1950s Housewife picture book right now.

You are not a freeloader. You are awesome. You are working so hard, with very little reward. You are exhausted, you are still recovering from pregnancy and birth. You are going to get through this time even if you take it hour by hour. But stop whipping yourself. You wouldn't do that to a tired, drained, exhausted mama that you knew, wouldn't you want to love on her and help her keep her chin up? You deserve to do for you what you'd do for someone else, okay?

[dividedsky]

i could have written your post when mine were that age. like, every letter. the first 6 months are insanely hard. we ate a lot of uninteresting sandwiches and plain pasta, and laundry piled up like crazy. two infants are just so much work. you need to either hire someone if you can (every other week, even!) to do the heavy cleaning so that you don't go insane from looking at grody toilets/floors, or get a friend to help, or lower your standards for a few more months.

imo, it gets easier when they can hang out and play and crawl around. 4 months... not easy.

re: tummy time... don't sweat it. they will be fine!

i was thrilled to start solids. having them contained in a high chair is a wonderful thing! that's when i was able to start eating something other than pretzels for lunch......

when everything is too insane, i highly recommend popping them in the car + hitting a drive-thru for coffee and a muffin or whatever... they will sleep, you will eat! hang in there!

[DoomaYula]

All of us with older twins have survived. Even if I ate only cereal for the first year of my childrens' lives.

ITA with what's been said before: (1) humility (2) let it go (3) it doesn't last forever.

My twins are over 7yo (and I have an almost-5yo and a 2yo) and my house is pretty clean now, and we eat well. But it wasn't so for the first year or two. I took help from anyone and everyone and I'm eternally grateful for that.

[AGF]

You are not a failure.

I remember at four months thinking "WHY can't I get it together?". I thought that, I thought my husband thought that, hell, I thought the mailperson was thinking that when they heard the wailing through the mail slot.

And as it turns out, I had it together. We were all fed (albeit not a complete meal at any one time) the babies were properly diapered and relatively clean (i was not, however), and they were loved.

First three goals of the day met.
After that? Gravy.

Let your partner help with the house if it is driving you crazy and do not feel guilty about it. Hop in the shower when they are down for the night. Even if you are exhausted, taking a long shower and waking up with clean hair will help a bunch. (and you are guaranteed at least one tooth brushing for the day.) And see if you can identify your routine (not really schedule) and it will make you feel like there is a rhythm in the madness.

These are all things that ultimately let me forget the guilt and embrace "Yes its crazy! But we are allllllright."


In a few months (mine are 27 months) it will be blurry how that first year went. And you might even give yourself a pat on the back for making it through.

Best to you all!

[Red Pajama]

It is a crazy time, and you need to be gentle with yourself. If they are happy in the bouncy seats/swing, I see no problem with that.

When you nurse your babies with the intent of them going to sleep, I recommend swaddling them.

I've heard of people who take the bouncy seats into the bathroom while they shower-- the noise of the shower, the steam, and you talking to them can entertain them long enough to get a shower.

As the weather improves (assuming you live somewhere where winter is coming to an end), if you have a twin stroller I recommend walks to help entertain them and get some exercise for you as a bonus, as well as just get out of the house.

This time when they really can't move on their own, and require you to keep them happy is an exhausting time. Please go easy on yourself. I second the recommendation to seek help, paid for or volunteer.

[DeerMother]

I needed more help in the 4-6 month stage than when they were newborns. Like others said, be easy on yourself. Lower your standards of cleanliness. Dim the lights and you can't see the mess.

Part of the reason why it was so hard was that the exhaustion was at its peak. They were starting to teeth, I was up all night. . . You can't think clearly enough to make a grocery list or plan dinner. Unloading the dishwasher or folding laundry is a monumental task at this stage.

It's not like you're just sitting around all day twiddling your thumbs. You're busy 24 hours a day. Pat yourself on the back for all the things you ARE doing. You need help. You will survive and see the side of crazy twin toddler life before you know it.

[Intertwined]

4-6 months was really when I hit the wall. I landed myself in the hospital trying to get it all done, so dont do that! Get yourself some disposible stuff and don't feel bad about it, either. I bought Stouffer's meals because all you have to do is stick them in the oven for two hours and VOILA, dinner. Get some ready made bread and bag salad and slap it all on some throw away plates. They don't have preservatives, either.

IOW, my ideas about what "successful" went right out the window. The only thing I stuck to hard core was breast feeding and I didn't let them CIO or sleep train. Otherwise, everything else was negotiable. They had sposies on their butts from time to time and spent WAY more time in "baby keepers" than my singletons did. I mean, it was about survival, mama.

Be easy on yourself and know it WILL get easier (in many ways). You are not failing.

Don't get all "grass is greener" either. I've worked with twins and been home with twins and both are totally hard just in their own ways. Much love!

ETA: I type this while my twin 21 month olds are playing "stack the canned veggies" at my feet. So......those standards have stayed quite lowered.

[CalaRei]

Whew, thank you ladies for helping me through a freak out.

Hubby and I weren't incredibly social animals before the babies, so it's a bit hard for us to rely on friends. Family is in the area, though, and they help us out a lot. My aunt comes over once a week and brings me lunch and sweeps/mops my floors. My parents come on Wednesday nights to visit, and get dinner for us all, and I can go nap, shower, shop, clean or whatever I want to do. I also insist on one "alone activity" a week - sometimes it's scrapbooking, etc. His dad is about begging to babysit, but I don't want to overwhelm him yet, and I don't think he quite gets the need to eat so frequently, so we're waiting for that until they're a little older.

It's so funny, because I feel like I write this same post every month in my head, and then it gets easier, and then harder still. The other day hubby came in and the babies were quiet - because I had given them each a paper towel to play with. Lol.

Thank goodness the sun is coming out around here. (It was 60 degrees yesterday and we *still* haven't gotten all of the snow melted!!) I'm going to get the boys some sunglasses and get a walk in as often as I humanly can. I think the lack of sunshine is only adding to my woes.

[GoodUserNamesTaken]

How can other people do this and have a clean home with you know, dishes to eat off of, or dinner to put on them?

Are there people with twins who can do this alone? I don't think so... I make dinner *most* nights, but I make very easy, no-more-than-5-minute prep (even if it will cook long), and the kids complain that we eat the same stuff more often, but too bad.

But clean house? Real dishes washed? No way, not even possible or on my list of things to do when I have time. I just can't!

You are so not a failure... My twins are 7 wks, and I can only imagine how tired I will be when they are 4 months, given how tired I am now. But we CAN do it, we WILL do it, and by do it, I just mean survive. Heck, I have had help with laundry this week, someone else washed and folded, but it's still sitting in baskets.

I feel guilty about no tummy time and using swings, etc., but I can't deal w/o them. Twins are NOT the same as singletons, I keep reminding myself. I need to do what I need to do to keep us all happy-ish and healthy.

~ Rachel

[kjoy2]

Calarei, everyone already said really great things (Tigerchild had me lol). The only other thing I might add is that there is a really great AP parenting group in Pgh. You'll find it on Yahoo groups. I bet I could rally some help for you (I'm in PGH, sq hill - where are you?). Send me a message if you join, okay?

[Intertwined]

You also might get your Vit D levels checked, if it's been a long gray winter with no sun exposure. I found out last year mine were REALLY low and supplementation has made me a whole different person!

[daisie31]

Would it help if I told you the TV in our house is on almost ALL day long? I feel horrible but know it's only for a season. I have had to lower my standards quite a bit. I do some housework everyday because I would go crazier if I didn't. Yesterday I realized that myself and my three kiddos were in the same close for the third day....and they were pajamas, lol.

I have to agree with others, help is a must. Do you have any? I still have my Grandmother coming in three days a week to help and don't see an end to that anytime in the next year.

I guess we all just do the best we can which isn't much sometimes. I am just happy that my children are loved, held and smiled at.

Dena

[verycozy]

My twins are 4 months old too (born the day before yours), my older son is 2. I know I'm echoing what a lot of people have already said, but what's working for me (to the extent that I'm not a total basketcase) is
1) lots of help with my toddler
2) lower standards (television for DS1, frozen meals, dirty house)
3) my mantra is "I need less going on in my life, not more." Whenever I get the urge to bite off more than I can chew (a solo trip to target with all three kids, making a real dinner, cleaning the tub, etc) I remind myself that I need to sit down and just enjoy the babies.

We also (finally) bought a double stroller so I can take a walk. This is such a wonderful thing

[newmommy7-08]

Just wanted to offer hugs! I'll be where you are in a few months. i can honestly say w/ my singleton I was lucky to shower daily, cook and clean at 4 months. Don't expect so much from yourself mama. The most important thing is being a great mama to your babies. The house and laundry ehhh let it slide...
My MIL had a piece of wisdom she offered to me years before we were ever married. We were talking one day and she made a comment that when her sons were small she used to break her back to keep the house perfect until one day she realized that she was saying no to the fun stuff cause she had to clean. No we can't go to the park, no we can't go out and play ball right now, no we can't do ... She made a decision then and there to not be that mom anymore. If the floors didn't get scrubbed who cares, if the laundry isn't all put away oh well... They're only little for such a short time... then they have better things to do than spend time with mom and dad, so enjoy every precious second!

[aja-belly]

my guys are a year old and i am just now starting to feel like "hey, i'm really doing this!".

at 7 months i did the math and realized i was nursing over 8 hours a day. it kinda helped put everything into perspective. i had a full time desk job!

it really does go so so quickly. just hang on!